Gary Oak sneered at his lowly rival Ash Ketchum as he totally bodied his Muk. "Hah! You're still the biggest loser!" he laughed snobbily, the superior phlegm coagulating in his trachea.

Ash wept and beat his fist on the ground. He wailed as his Muk longingly clung to life with its outstretched arm.

Gary snorted some more and gave his prized Arcanine a joyful, perfection-infused whack on the bummer.

"Oh, Ash, you could have won had you used a Water-type like Squirtle," said Misty.

"Or a Rock-type like my delectable abs," added Brock.

Ash continued to cry and then he got his game face on. Ash did a sumo stomp and then charged toward Gary with seething rage. Gary was then piledriven into next Tuesday.

Gary awoke next Tuesday. He will say: "Wow, I traveled through time and space…"

But then is later, and now was now. Thus we resume our heartfelt adventure through the mindset of a true winner.

Gary blocked Ash's charge with a mighty jolt from his Electivire. Ash used Pikachu to absorb the electricity because it really do be like that.

"Oh, Ashy Boy!" taunted the Gary. "Ya'll are stupid!"

Ash could not believe his eyes, so he didn't. He proceeded to extract them from his skull and sold them to charity. Now Mr. Fuji would receive better methods for reviving Cubone's mother.

"You may have one this battle, mine rival," said Ash eyelessly. "Yet I still retain my dignity!"

"You've already won at life Ash," said Misty. "You have the power of love from your Pokemon."

"Aye," agreed Brock as he flexed his wholesome glutes to infinity and beyond. "You are the true winner when everything is all said and done."

"Thank you, fellow trainers!" said Ash. He then turned his cap around with serious ten-year-old angst. "I am THEE Battle Master!"

Gary scoffed at his foe's abrupt claim. "How do you even come close to assume such a title, Ashy Boy? Isn't it obvious that I am the Battle Master since I defeated your sorry tuchus?"

Ash did his victory dance and won 1,000 free V-Bucks. "I am the grand winner of life because my Pokemon's hearts all glow with shimmering determination!"

Gary was taken aback by the claim. "My Pokemon have more love, rendering me as the Battle Master!"

"Nah, bruh!" said Ash. "You don't have the allocades!"

Brock laughed and did more hunky flexes with his formidable six-pack. "It's so true! Gary's got no allocades!"

Misty was so offended by Gary's disturbing lack of allocades. She left the premises and became Cerulean's Psyduck enthusiast for life.

Gary wept bitterly for his apparent lack of allocades. Without allocades, Gary was nothing but a shell of his former self. No wonder his grandfather disowned him in that alternate universe made for 8-bit handheld devices.

All Gary retained was the girls and the badges. He didn't have any allocades.

And that's why Ash was THEE Battle Master.

It was a proven fact.

FINNEON