Serena dies on a rainy night in June a week after they finish school. Nate is standing with Chuck, drinking bad coffee from the machine in the hospital waiting room. When they find out he feels as if he's been punched in the gut and for the first time in his life he witnesses Chuck Bass speechless. He leans his head back against the cool, white walls and closes his eyes in a desperate attempt to make this fact disappear along with the rest of the room. He opens his eyes when he feels Chuck's hand on his shoulder and it's as if he can feel the world shift. Nothing will ever be the same.
-
Jenny comes up to him afterwards and puts a cool hand over his and makes a long speech about being there for him for whatever he needs. He nods, unable to say anything. He hasn't been able to say much since Serena died because he can't figure out what he should say. He loved her, once. The weird thing is that until her death he was convinced that he still did. Then he saw Dan's face as they spoke of her in the past tense and realized that he never even came close. When she had left for boarding school he had made them out to be some epic love story, but that was never what they were. They were just two messed up kids who ended up together because neither knew what they wanted from the world. But then Serena found Dan and she found what she wanted from the world. He clenches his glass as he thinks of the unfairness of it all and suddenly he has to get the hell out of the room. He brushes Jenny's hand away and moves toward the door, not even noticing any of the faces that turn toward him as he leaves. Once outside he sees Dan getting into a cab. He doesn't blame him for leaving; he knows that Blair left almost as soon as the funeral had ended. He doesn't have the energy to leave so he sinks onto a bench outside. He isn't sure how long he sits there before Vanessa finds him.
"Sorry, I didn't know anyone was out here. I'm looking for Dan," she explains awkwardly.
"He left."
"Right, well then I should probably go to," she says and turns to leave. Suddenly Nate has an overwhelming urge not to be alone.
"Wait," he calls after her and she turns. He has no idea what to say now, but she seems to get that and without him having to say anything she makes her way over to him and sits down. They're silent for a while, before he finally speaks.
"I didn't know you were at the funeral."
"I stood in the back."
"Right."
"Nate, I'm really sorry," Vanessa says and it sounds so sincere and so real that he feels a sob rise to his throat. She takes his hand, and somehow it feels completely different than when Jenny did the same thing earlier that night. He really shouldn't be surprised by what happens later.
-
Vanessa doesn't like to think about the night of Serena's funeral. She doesn't like to think about a lot of things actually, like how her best friend has become a shadow of his former self or that Nate Archibald has been dating Jenny Humphrey for a few months now. So she doesn't. She's always been practical and level headed and Vanessa knows enough to know that whatever happened with Nate that night was because of grief and loss. She also knows that it wasn't just his grief. She didn't know Serena well, but her death changed everything. She goes through senior year no longer having to worry about losing Dan to the Upper East Side since they have both retreated back into their own small world. Most of the time she doesn't think about the world that they have turned away from because it is better that way. Yet, when she sees Nate with Jenny her heart always jumps to her throat, no matter how many times she tells herself it doesn't matter.
-
Nate is well aware that he is a stupid bastard, but self-loathing has always looked good on him. He dates Jenny because she's there and she's nice. He knows they're horrible reasons, but he can't bring himself to break up with her. There are rumors that swirl around, all of them saying that she's just a replacement for Serena. This isn't true, but he doesn't have the energy to deny it. He and Chuck have repaired their friendship and he spends most weekends of senior year too out of it to care about anything. He's never been any good at lying about his feelings so he just tries to forget them instead. Most of the time it works, but he's begun to realize that the only time it doesn't is when Vanessa Abrams looks at him.
-
She gets into NYU and before she tells Dan or her parents or her sister she tells him. She doesn't really know why she feels like her acceptance into a university is because of him, but she does. She knocks on his door and waits, the letter cemented to her fingers. Vanessa is still in shock and every once in a while she'll glance at the letter to make sure this isn't all a dream. He opens it and from the look on her face she knows this is a very bad idea, so she cuts to the point immediately.
"I got into NYU," she says, holding up the letter as if she needs to justify the statement. Nate looks startled and then his face breaks out into such a wide smile that only further proves what a bad idea this was.
"Vanessa, that's, wow, that's amazing. I knew you could do it," he says and then suddenly he's hugging her. Her breath catches and she feels as if she's been sucker punched.
"Thanks," she says, hastily pulling back. Nate's brow furrows and then he smiles again.
"I have good news too," he says and suddenly he's a child with a secret. Vanessa feels a smile creep onto her face and she suddenly remembers how much she hates the way he makes her feel. It's as if she's a twelve-year old girl with a crush. She takes the bait anyway.
"USC?" she asks and he nods.
"Congratulations, Nate," she says and she means it.
"Thanks, do you want to come in?" he asks and she can feel the implications of the questions settle over them.
"I have to go. Dan and I are seeing a movie," she says, because she made her choice a long time ago, before she knew that there was actually more to Nate Archibald than a pretty face and before her best friend fell in love with someone from this world of wealth and privilege. She turns around and leaves, pretending she doesn't hear him call after her.
-
At the graduation party Nate breaks up with Jenny and then proceeds to get drunk. He finds Blair sitting in a corner, for once not surrounded by her group of loyal followers.
"What?" she asks, raising her eyebrows as he slightly staggers toward her.
"I broke up with Jenny," he says and then downs another shot. Blair rolls her eyes.
"You're an idiot."
"For breaking up with her?"
"For not dumping her sooner, you ass."
"I don't get it."
"Get what," Blair asks, her impatience cutting across the conversation.
"How you do it. How you're okay all the time," he says, because he has wondered all year long how Blair has not collapsed in the same way Dan has. Nate knows he hasn't dealt with Serena's death well, but at least he has dealt with it. Blair stares back at him, but there's enough liquor in him to make him stare back and finally she relents.
"Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe I'm not," she replies and then walks away from him. As he watches her go he suddenly realizes that the girl he dated, the girl he had once loved is no longer there. He has never wished for Serena to be alive more than he does at that moment.
-
It's the night of Dan's graduation and Rufus and Lily have made a small dinner for the five of them. Vanessa watches as Rufus and Lily banter about his cooking and wonders if she will ever have someone like that. She looks over at Dan who is reading. The closer they get to the anniversary of her death the quieter he becomes. The dinner is wonderful and afterwards Dan begs off from her pleas to go see the end of her sister's show. She doesn't push and instead they stay up watching Animal House, which was a part of the graduation basket Rufus had presented Dan with. Around one Jenny comes back hysterically crying and through the mess of tears Vanessa is able to grasp that Nate had broken up with her. While Lily tends to her, she and Dan finish the movie. She walks back to her apartment that night and finds a familiar figure outside of it.
"Hi," he says.
"You're drunk," she replies.
"Not really," he says and then stands.
"Go home, Nate."
"Do you really want me to go home?" he asks. She looks down at the keys in her hands and sighs.
"No."
-
She doesn't know why she didn't want to go to college. In her four years at NYU she is able to impress every single film professor and become somewhat of a campus legend. She talks to Dan at least once a week and never thinks of Nate. He was always a bad idea and she needed no further proof than the fact that the morning after his graduation he was nowhere to be seen. Somewhere in the middle of college Dan becomes Dan again, or at least someone who closely resembles the Dan she once knew. She doesn't know when she falls for him again or if she has always just been waiting for him to come to his senses, but when he pulls her into a kiss at his graduation all she can ask is what took him so long.
-
Nate stays in California because he has always been a coward. He thinks about Vanessa often and no matter how many girls he falls into bed with it's always her face that swirls in his mind the next morning. Chuck visits, always bringing news of the east coast, but never of her. It's during one of these visits that he confesses that he is in love with Blair and that he is finally going to do something about it. Nate encourages him and when he leaves Nate is filled with the hope that happy endings are possible. He uses this feeling to carry himself through the digits of her phone number. He doesn't even get through one ring before he hangs up. He really is a coward.
-
She moves to LA the same week he moves to New York. They never could get the timing right.
-
Things with Dan are good. Except, really they aren't. He's writing and she's directing and this is supposed to be that life she pictured living when she was fourteen and still let herself daydream. So here she is, living that dream. When he proposes to her the first thing that goes through her mind is Nate's face after they had kissed outside her apartment so many years ago. The second is Serena. She doesn't know why he looks surprised when she says no.
-
Nate finds out about Chuck and Blair's divorce before anyone else. He calls Blair, but she refuses to talk to him. He then takes a cab over to the hotel where Chuck is staying. His best friend opens the door and ushers him inside. From the look on Chuck's face he immediately knows whom it was that asked for the divorce.
"Chuck, what are you doing? Go home to your wife. Don't do this man," Nate says. Chuck smiles a sad smile and pours them both a drink.
"Nathaniel, I'm afraid things aren't that simple."
"They could be. You found the woman you love and you were able to be with her. Explain to me how it's complicated."
"Because I'm still Chuck Bass," he says and Nate falls back into a chair. "And I do love her. I love her enough to know that it isn't fair to her for me to stay with her when most days I don't know if I want to."
"I'm supposed to be the indecisive one," Nate points out, already knowing that there is no avoiding the fact that Chuck is doing the right thing.
"You forget, Nathaniel, things change."
-
Vanessa drops the phone when Jenny tells her that Dan and Blair have gotten married. She scoops it back up and is sure that Jenny is playing a ridiculous joke on her. Then she pulls the photos up on her computer. She feels the tears burn her face and she angrily brushes them away, cursing herself for being so pathetic. It's only then that she realizes that she has actually lost her best friend. Deep down she knows that she lost him the night Serena died, but it's only now, almost ten years later that she's able to admit it. Vanessa has never felt more alone.
-
Nate knocks on Blair's door the morning he gets back from Europe. He had heard about her surprising marriage almost as soon as he landed in the city. He knows he has to call Chuck, but he needs to talk to her first. After another knock the maid comes to the door and he's announced. Dan walks out of the kitchen and Nate has to keep his mouth from dropping. It doesn't matter that he had read the entire wedding announcement in the paper on the way to his apartment, actually seeing Dan in Blair's apartment still jars him.
"Nate," Dan says and shakes his hand. He sees Blair come down the stairs. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and then falls back next to Dan. He tries not to gape when Dan slides his hand around her waist.
"It's nice to see both of you," he manages to get out and Blair rolls her eyes.
"Let's just get it over with Nate. Yes, we're married. Any specific details you want to know?" she asks coolly. Dan ducks his head with a smirk.
"Just wanted to congratulate you, both of you and wish you good luck," he says, desperately hoping it doesn't sound like the pathetic cover up that it is.
"Well, I have done this before so I have some practice," Blair replies.
"Blair," Dan chides and Nate can see him slightly tighten his hand around his waist, making her look up at him.
"Sorry," she says, but Nate knows that he isn't the one she's apologizing to. Suddenly he gets it. It's as if the two people in front of him click together. It's like they're two puzzle pieces that have finally been rotated and manipulated enough that they fit together. Maybe they aren't head over heels in love, but there's something there that makes it work.
"Congratulations, you look very happy," Nate says. He sees Dan's face soften with the realization that Nate actually means the words.
"Thank you for coming, we appreciate it."
"You're welcome. Maybe we'll be able to do dinner sometime," Nate says.
"That'd be nice," Blair says and as he turns to leave he sees Blair's face relax. For a moment he is able to see a glimpse of the vulnerable girl who he knew before her best friend's death and before her divorce. But at the same time he knows that she's become a completely different person. As the elevator doors close he realizes that Chuck was right. Things change.
-
He flies out to LA a week after seeing Blair and Dan. He's not sure what made him finally buy a ticket or use the address he has had tucked away in his apartment. The thing is that he gets it now. He gets that it's okay for him to take a chance like this and that maybe everything doesn't have to be lined up perfectly for things to work out. He shows up at her door and when she opens it she falls against it, as if she's too tired to even be surprised by his appearance.
"What are you doing here?" she asks.
"I wanted to see you," he says, because it's the truth. Even now he's drinking in her appearance and wondering how he went for so long without seeing her.
"Nate, it's been almost ten years," she says, with a small shake of her head.
"I know."
"We can't just go back. Things change, Nate."
"Exactly," he says and kisses her.
-
They're together for a year before it all comes crumbling down. He's told that he has to move back for work the same day she is allowed to go ahead with her latest film. They really do have the worst timing. They end up arguing about it for a week straight. Nate considers quitting, but really that's completely out of the question, especially since Vanessa will not even consider giving up her job. He pushes long distance and she feels like the air around her is quickly being sucked away. He calls her stubborn and she tells him that he refuses to acknowledge reality She always knew this was going to happen so she doesn't understand why he's fighting it so hard. In the end it's just a simple fact: he can no longer stay in California and she can't move to New York. Vanessa doesn't understand why he can't just let go. She has. She cut ties with Dan and she hasn't spoken to Jenny in months. The day he's schedule to leave, she tells him that it's for the best.
"We tried and we're just not meant to be," she says as he stands in front of her door, hands in his pockets and head hanging in a way that makes her feel seventeen again. She really needs him to leave.
"One day, you're gonna get it," he whispers and then he kisses the top of her head and leaves. She stands, rooted to the ground for two hours with tears slowly working their way down her face.
-
Nate goes back to the city and focuses on work as a distraction. He keeps waiting for her to call or show up at his apartment, but she doesn't. He does this for an entire year until he realizes that maybe he was wrong. Maybe they aren't meant to be.
-
She was never supposed to end up with Nathaniel Archibald. She tells herself this every single morning after he leaves. There are mornings when she considers buying a plane ticket or simply picking up the phone, but these feelings always pass almost as quickly as they come. She focuses on her new project and decides that she doesn't need someone else to be happy. A year passes and she finishes the film. Then she wakes up one morning and realizes that she's been stupid and that she needs to call him. She's gone an entire year with his face in her mind and she needs to just bury her damned pride and call him. She walks back to her apartment with this on her mind and feels excited for the first time in a year. Then she passes by the bookstore and sees Dan's latest book. Her stomach plummets and she feels sick. She isn't sure how long she spends staring at it in the window, but when she moves her legs feel weak beneath her. Somehow she makes it back to her apartment, and by the time she is there she has a completely different thought on her mind. She cannot call him. She has to let go, she has to let go of all of it.
-
A little over two years go by and she still doesn't call. He keeps waiting for a time to come when he doesn't expect to open his door and see her. It doesn't.
-
She starts to date a producer and desperately tries to be happy. Jeremy is nice and smart and funny and cute. He gets her pop culture references and has actually seen her films. Her friends like him and he grew up in Maine so he has no knowledge of the Upper East Side. And he likes her, he may even lover her. They got together a month after her decision to cut ties and have now been together for almost two and a half years. It's good and it's healthy, which is why it makes absolutely no sense for her to be unhappy. She knows the reason behind the unhappiness, but she tries to bury it. Then Jeremy starts talking about the future more and more and she finally gives up. She breaks up with him on the same day she buys a plane ticket for New York.
-
She lands in New York and decides to walk around the city in order to clear her head. It's then that she sees Dan. Suddenly, standing on a sidewalk in New York she realizes that she has never gotten over the fact that her relationship with Dan became so broken. So she takes a deep breath and says, "Dan."
-
When he opens the door he doesn't look surprised to see her. She sees emotions cloud his eyes, but before she tries to interpret what they mean she cuts him off.
"Don't say anything, please," she says, holding her hand out and feeling like she is a second away from crying.
"I just saw Dan, for the first time in over five years. And he has a kid with Blair Waldorf, because he married her. And I said things to him, horrible things that I never should have said. But I think I needed to say them even though they were horrible and cruel. Because here's the thing. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be wrapped up with the Upper East Side. I was supposed to be separate from that, and I was for a really long time. But, Dan couldn't be separate from it, which is why we didn't work. So I cut ties with him, and it should have just been easy. But then you just wouldn't accept that. You kept finding me. And I don't know what it is about you or about me when I'm with you or about us, but I can't get you out of my head. And what you said to me when you left California, that one day I'd get it. Well I get it now. And I know that it's taken a really long time and I know that this is ridiculous and pathetic, but I get it, Nate," she says and by the time she finishes speaking she's crying and feels extremely frazzled, which seems to make Nate smile. She hasn't said anything that honest in a really long time and she can still feel her heart racing.
"Okay," he says and pulls her into his arms.
"Okay," she repeats and she kisses him.
-
He thought that once Vanessa showed up at his door, once she got it, everything would just snap right into place. It doesn't really. No matter how much she swears that she understands that they are right together, he still sees her shy away whenever he mentions the future. He understands her hesitations about marriage, but he can't get over the feeling that she still has hesitations about him. They've been together for six months when they see Dan and Blair. Although he never became close to them, most likely because of his continued friendship with Chuck, he is on good terms with them. Vanessa has just run into one of the shops to quickly look at a pair of shoes and he runs into Dan and Blair as they come around the corner. He's been talking to them for about five minutes when Vanessa comes out of the shop.
"So I bought them, like you said I would, but they…" she trails off as soon as she sees who he is talking to. Nate has never asked Vanessa about Dan. He knows that they were together for four years and that she turned down his proposal, but both these pieces were gathered from local gossip after Dan moved back. She's only ever mentioned him once and it was simply to say that they were a mistake from the very beginning and that she should have known better.
"And of course you know Vanessa," he says, trying to melt the sudden frost that has settled on the conversation.
"Hello," Blair says, while Dan remains silent. He's suddenly become fascinated with his shoes, and Vanessa is looking anywhere but at him.
"Hi," Vanessa says, but it comes out as much more a squeak. Blair smirks and Nate notices Dan slip his hand into hers. It's a mindless gesture, but Nate sees Vanessa's eyes become glued to their hands. Nate understands, these are two hands no one ever expected to see together, but he still feels annoyance prickle at his back as he watches his girlfriend watch her ex-boyfriend.
"I wasn't aware you two were together," Blair remarks and Nate briefly wonders how Blair can make every single word drip with disdain. He drapes his hand across Vanessa's shoulder and gives her a smile.
"Six months now."
"Well, we should have dinner. Catch up," Blair says and Nate sees Dan's eyes snap up to his wife's face. Vanessa looks horrified, but Nate suddenly feels like they have to do this. He had thought that Vanessa was over what had happened with Dan, but it is now clear that that was simply not true.
"That's sounds wonderful," he replies and feels Vanessa's sharp intake of breath beside him. He thinks this is something necessary
"Excellent, tomorrow night," Blair says and Nate simply nods, wondering what exactly he had been thinking when he started this conversation.
-
She yells at him for three hours straight when they get home, but she's dressed and ready to go by eight the next night.
-
"Dan, why don't you show Vanessa around the apartment," Blair says, almost two minutes after they arrive. Dan mutters a muffled "smooth" as he kisses Blair's head and leads Vanessa towards the living room. Nate squeezes her hand before she goes.
"You always did get right to the point," Nate says.
"It's a wonderful quality," she replies, turning to watch her husband and his ex-girlfriend go into the other room.
"Do you really think this is a good idea?" he asks, because he's been debating this very question with himself since they had talked the other day.
"Best friends are important, you can't just let them get away," she says and Nate watches her face turn much more serious than before.
"That's a good point."
"I want you to know that I'm glad you stayed close to Chuck," she says, turning to look at him and putting up a hand to stop any of his questions. "People talk. I know you visit him and that he visits you. But it's good because you guys were always best friends and that's more important than what happened between Chuck and me. Best friends are more important."
"Blair," Nate whispers watching as the emotion seems to take hold of Blair.
"I'm okay. I just miss her," she says softly.
"Me too. I think we'll always miss her," Nate offers. He hears Blair take a few deep breaths and then grow much calmer.
"Right. I just wanted you to know that I was happy that you two were able to keep your friendship."
"Blair, for the record, I never agreed with his choice."
"I appreciate that. But it's over now. That chapter of my life is done."
"You seem happy," Nate says. Blair turns to him with a large smile.
"I am. How about you?"
"I'm getting there," he says, his eyes drifting toward where Vanessa had disappeared to.
"So when you disappeared to California the year Dan and I got married it was for her?" Blair asks.
"Yes."
"I should have known," Blair says and Nate smiles back.
-
"I see your wife has yet to master the art of subtlety," Vanessa says as she follows Dan into yet another room of the apartment.
"I think we've gone far enough," is his only reply as he turns to face her.
"Right," she mutters, looking down at her feet.
"This is important to Blair," Dan says, causing Vanessa's head to quickly jump from her shoes to his face.
"What?"
"It's important to Blair that we talk."
"Why?"
"Because she lost her best friend and she can't bear for anyone else to lose theirs," he says, looking her dead in the eye. Vanessa feels herself stiffen and feels foolish for forgetting the tragedy that shaped their lives. Taking a breath she says what she had come there to say.
"I'm sorry for what I said when I saw you. I shouldn't have judged your life the way I did."
"It's okay, I understand why you did. I'm sorry for everything that happened with us," Dan says, hands in his pockets and shame written across his face. She nods and wills herself not to cry. She doesn't know why she's suddenly so emotional, but she's desperately trying to keep herself focused.
"It's fine."
"No, it's not."
"No, it's not," she agrees, dropping to sit on a couch.
"Vanessa, you have to know I never meant to hurt you."
"I do know that. It's just I lost my best friend and I did it to myself. I let myself destroy our relationship because I thought it would be worth it. It wasn't," she says. Dan nods and then comes to sit by her.
"I thought so too," he says.
"And then I thought that I just would never see you again so it would be fine."
"Me too," Dan admits and Vanessa lets out a laugh.
"We always did think alike, didn't we."
"Yeah, we did," Dan agrees, joining in her in the light laughter.
"I don't know if we could go back to what we were, but we could try. I think that's the only way we could actually move on because I've been trying to ignore what happened for the last five years and it hasn't really worked out."
"I would like that. We could meet for coffee tomorrow," Dan says and Vanessa feels a smile wash over her face.
"Coffee tomorrow. That'd be good."
"I think we can go back now," Dan says standing up. Vanessa rises as well, but steps in front of him before they walk back.
"Right, I just have to say something else. I'm sorry for what I said. I know I already said that, but the thing is I was wrong. I was really wrong. You're happy with Blair and with your daughter and that's… I'm really happy you're happy," she finishes, feeling a bit foolish, but desperately hoping that he understands how much she meant all of it.
"Thank you," Dan says and she sighs with relief because she knows that he understood. "I hope you're happy too."
"I am," Vanessa says and suddenly she realizes that she truly is and it is all based on the man standing in the other room.
-
They don't stay for dinner, and both of them doubt that that was ever the actual plan. Blair complains of a headache when the two get back and Vanessa is more than happy to go along with that. Dan also states that he has an early meeting with an editor, but they promise to reschedule. As they leave Dan reminds her of coffee and Vanessa nods earning her a look from Nate and Dan a look from Blair. When Vanessa and Nate step out into the cool night air it is as if a weight has been lifted off both of them. They begin the walk toward home and Vanessa grasps Nate's hand.
"So coffee?" Nate asks, moving his hand from her hand to around her shoulder and pulling her closer to him.
"Coffee. It's good, it's a good thing. I think or I hope, I don't really know right now, but I think it's good," she says with a smile.
"I think so too," Nate agrees.
"I need to thank you for having us go. I know I wasn't exactly happy about it, but it was important that I talked to him."
"I know."
"Nate, I know that I haven't been the easiest person to be with," she starts and Nate simply lets out a small laugh. "But, you have to know that I want to be with you and that I'm sorry it took me a long time to figure it out and even when I figured it out I still haven't been the best girlfriend, is what I'm saying," Vanessa explains.
"Stop, you're being ridiculous," Nate says, but she shakes her head in protest.
"I'm not, but that's not the point. The point is that..." and she hesitates for a moment before stopping and looking up at him. "I love you." It's hangs in the air for a moment before Nate is kissing her, he then pulls back and rests his forehead on hers.
"I love you too," he says and Vanessa laughs. This is the moment she's been waiting for. She thought she understood, she thought that she got it, but she's never truly understood it until this moment.
"I was wrong, in California, I was wrong. You're it. You're the one," she says.
"I think so too," Nate replies.
"I'm still not ready to get married," Vanessa says and Nate bursts out laughing.
"We have all the time we need. We can think about that later," he replies and grabs her hand again. He feels as if everything in the world has just lit up again and he remembers why it is exactly that he could never let go of the feeling that they were meant to be. They walk home, hand in hand, feeling happier and lighter than they ever have before.