Perfecting the Students, Staff and Parents of Hogwarts.
Summary: Fashion, hair and personal hygiene are matters NOT to be taken lightly. Follow two girls on a quest to perfect the inhabitants of the greatest wizarding school known to man. Humor, anguish, doom and perfection achieved.
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Snape was sitting at his desk grading some rather horribly boring essays his fourth year class had written. "Another failing paper...my my, not a good one in the lot so far..." He murmured to himself.
Had someone been looking into his office, one might think he looked slightly grave and possibly sarcastic but mostly just pitiful with his head full of greasy hair.
Suddenly, while almost halfway through the stack, the windows of his dungeon office burst open and two girls sailed gracefully in.
"OW!" Cried one, for in reality 'sailing gracefully in' was more like 'tumbling wildly, knocking things about, making a mess of everything valuable and raising a cloud of dust from the stone floor."
"Ahem, cough," the taller of the two leapt to her feet, "AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION, CONCENTRATION AND PREPARATION WE HAVE ARRIVED TO REDEEM YOU!"
The shorter one popped up as well, ferociously trying to adjust her skirt, "AMEN!"
Snape just stared at them.
"And you somehow feel the need to make that arrival through my window?" Was the dry comment that came from his downturned lips, while his brain was listing this little visit as a mental breakdown.
The shorter blonde one glared, "SHHHH with your little comments! Didn't you hear? We are here to save your poor lost little soul from the pain and anguish you've suffered!"
There was a moment of silence as she seemed to expect something, unfortunately Snape was in too much shock, although his stony countenance betrayed none of it.
"Have a seat" The taller one intoned in a mock-dry tone. "Why thank you we will," she answered her own imitation and the girls both took a seat on the desk, facing him.
The two girls just sat there, staring hard at him for a moment or two before Snape decided that he should probably take some action against these visions or delusions or whatever they were. Snape rose to his feet, flinging his musty black robes back with relish and cried, "RIDICULOUS!" He snapped his wand at them and the command rang out with an air and echo of authority and finality.
The brunette one made a face while the blonde one just laughed and said "Really? I mean...Really?"
Defeated, Snape frowned and sank back into his chair.
"Since you're not boggarts and I since I have absolutely no idea what do to, explain. Hopefully you'll just fade away, as all annoyances do eventually..."
"Well," the tall one gave a winning smile, "Today is YOUR lucky day, my friend!"
"Oh really? I rather doubt that since I seem to be under a delusion...that or I'm stuck in some kind of hellish nightmare of a spell..."
"Mister negativity over here! Stop moping! We're here to give your life a new zest! More meaning! THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN GROSS OLD ROBES AND BIG BLACK POTS FULL OF SLOP!" The blonde one rose to her feet punching the air with a fist of victory!
"We're here to fix your hair." The brunette one explained.
"My...hair." Snape just stared at them with no emotion in his dull, black eyes. Inside, his mind was a bewildering whirlwind of chaotic confusion. "I do not seem to understand."
"Ahem." The brunette hopped off the desk and began to pace the floor as she started explaining, in what she imagined were professional tones of voice. "You see, after much observation, brainstorming and several blind studies...we have come to the conclusion that all of your problems in life are rooted in the fact that you have overly active oil glands - you're hair is greasy - and that's bad."
"So bad. SO VEEERY bad." the blonde emphasized, pulling out a bottle of Paul Mitchell's Cleansing Shampoo from her pink tote bag. "This man is a TRUE wizard when it comes to hair care, Snapey-poo. Trust us...we trust him."
Snape squinted suspiciously at the white bottle.
"I've never heard of him." He looked up at the girls to see sympathetic looks on their faces .
"We know." The brunette said, "Its all too tragically apparent." She patted his arm. "But, thats all in the past Severus. We're here to help!"
The blonde also produced some scissors, a comb, some mouse and a hairdryer from the tote. At the inquisitive look from the black haired man of grease himself, she beamed. "Precautions." She explained.
"First, we rinse." Announced the brunette, moving behind him with speed of one who is quite experienced with moving speedily. She snapped on some blue rubber gloves and then there was silence for a moment.
Just as Snape was about to inquire to what she was doing, a cold splash of water cascaded over his head leaving him gurgling something that might have been English at some point, but then turned into shocked and outraged and finally indignant, incoherent shouting.
"Second step: LATHER!" The blonde leapt forward, her hands also gloved, and began to squeeze quite a lot of a clear gel-ish formula from the white bottle. As soon as she used up about half the bottle, she began to lather, with an albeit slightly disgusted look on her face. After about ten minutes of intense lathering, she beamed and stepped back. "THIRD STEP!" She called.
"REPEAT!" The tall one leapt forward and dumped another bottle of water on Snape's hair. He managed to keep his mouth closed this time but unfortunately his eyes were soon overcome by soapy suds slipping down his face. He gave a small scream of agony.
"IT BURNS!" He shouted, thus failing at the whole 'keeping his mouth closed' bit.
The blonde frowned and smacked his head. "Don't be a BABY!"
She began ferociously applying the last half of the shampoo to the already sud-soaked hair, and after fifteen minutes of vivacious lathering, three more water bottles were emptied to throughly rinse all suds.
The girls beamed at one another.
"It's so clean!" Squealed the blonde.
"Smells so pretty!" Cooed the brunette.
"IT STILL HURTS MY EYES, YOU BLASTED GITS!" Snape hissed angrily. Another water bottle was splashed into his eyes, leaving them red and slightly crazed, but soap free.
"Now for the best part!" The short blonde one pulled forth the blow-dryer and began blasting air at Snape's head. Every time he would protest the tall one would snap the scissors at his face before going back to snipping bits off here and bits off there.
This all went on for quite some while until finally there was silence and Snape dared to open his eyes.
Both girls, decked in fashionably flattering, cute and yet incredibly sturdy and serviceable clothing, were gazing admirably at his hair.
"Well?" He intoned, his voice hoarse, like one of a man close to death having just suffered ultimate pain and suffering...
"All done!" Chorused the girls, beaming wildly and nodding their heads.
"Perfect!" Exclaimed one.
"Magnifique!" Declared the other.
"HAVE A LOOK!" A small silver mirror was shoved in his direction.
He took it, and with apprehension and horror growing in the pit of his stomach, looked into its reflective depths.
And there it was.
His hair.
Clean, glossy, jet black, stylishly soft and bouncy, floating around his head like a smooth yet fluffy black halo in chic neat layers.
It was sexy hair. Very sexy hair.
He frowned and opened his mouth to protest when a bright flash went off. He looked up, startled to see one of the girls with a contraption in her hands, while the other cheered like a lunatic.
"SMILE FOR THE POLAROID!" They cried in unison and ran over to hug him.
"Ughhh..." was all he could utter, much less explain to them spitefully that his greasy, neglected hair had been part of his embittered, sarcastic, undernourished and unloved image.
"Well that was fun!" Said the blonde, backing towards the window, stuffing her supplies back in the pink tote she had brought them out of. "Next week we can concentrate on minimizing those pores!" She winked.
The brunette nodded and patted his amazing hair of awesomeness. "And you should also try bathing...it helps." She beamed and joined the blonde at the window.
"So long!"
"Cheerio!
"Auf wedersame!"
"LATER!"
And suddenly both girls were gone with a flash of light and a puff of smoke.
Snape just stared at the spot where they disappeared.
Three hours later, Filch entered the room.
"Professor! I've been pounding on your door for the last hour and a..." The old, grouchy, icky man paused and stared at the sight before him: Severus Snape, staring bewildered out a window, sporting the most beautiful hair ever seen on the grounds of Hogwarts.
It was Very. Sexy. Hair.
Filch felt a jolt of jealousy surge through his decrepit and left in a huff.
Elsewhere in the castle, Draco Malfoy was being berated by two strange girls who had apparently apperated out of no where and were thus lecturing him about his unhealthy addiction to hair gel.
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More perfecting to come! Stay tuned! Ha! Hogwarts will be a delicious smelling, attractive, even AWESOME-er place to live then it already is.
Review so more perfection can come...
=D =D =D
-Rixi&Raph
PS: Up next: Draco and Hermione. =D