A/N: Sorry this is a little late! I had spent nearly an entire day trying to get this prepared for load on top of the fact that I was busy preparing for my big weekend. They say better late then never, right. At least I got this loaded in time for my birthday. :D
This is the longest of the three ones shots I did for the event. All three parallel each other, so it's best all three are read. Even though this was the hardest one for me to write, I did enjoy the premise behind it.
For KuroKura Week 2018 Day Seven: Fate/Regret.
Summary: When both Kurapika and Chrollo had decided to set aside their differences and end the vicious cycle of hate between them in favor of finding love, it turns out not to be what they had anticipated it would.
In all of his life, Kurapika never thought it would have come to this. For so long, all he envisioned was completing his mission and fulfilling his destiny so he could finally escape from the pain and hardship of life. That in the end, he could just… Fade away.
However, he now found himself wrapped up in a situation that might be considered absurd, brash and downright hasty.
Perhaps they were right, and he had been blindsided and injudicious. For Kurapika however, he had long since accepted and welcomed the changes. Even if those changes had dramatically altered his life.
Still, he didn't know what to do. He had already sacrificed so much and given up nearly everything. The attraction was strong, and the desire burned continuously. No matter how hard he tried, Kurapika couldn't shake that feeling of emptiness.
Chrollo.
The man's name slipped from his lips like a gentle whisper of the wind and occupied his mind like a potent drug. Every waking moment was spent thinking of what happened, what was and what could have been.
Or what really could be.
He had spent many sleepless nights only dreaming of those blissful moments when times were better, where he was happy and when life was normal. It had been his wish, and his desire to have a perfect reality.
White picket fence, a house large enough to raise a family in, complete with a yard and a garden that had flowers like back home.
Also a swing set.
The vision of small children playing about it. Innocent. Happy and his.
No. Theirs.
It was something that Kurapika could only hope for, or imagine. Ever since he was able to find the will in extricating himself from his past, moving on from the hate, despair and binding animosity did he see the ability to find peace. Find love.
It was the very same love he finally established with the one person whom Kurapika had never thought he would have ever come to care for, much less forgive.
However, it was during a moment of clarity and deep introspection where Kurapika had come to realize without a shadow of a doubt what he had been missing the most in his life.
Culmination.
For a long time, Kurapika was unable to live with himself. Unable to carry on. Existing. Empty. Hollow. Each day was a constant reminder of what kind of life he had or lack thereof, and because of that, he had been so willing to give in. He wanted to drown in the dissention of his emotions and succumb to the misery of his pain, as every waking moment was another reminder of just how dismal reality was. It was all he had ever known.
That was until fate had dealt another hand.
Such a vivid memory. It was like yesterday. Kurapika had spent so long tracking down the only person he knew could end all his suffering and finally give him the closure he needed. However, the tides instantly turned, and everything radically changed. Kurapika could even remember the aesthetics, down to the warmth of the day, the scent in the air, birds chirping, dark auras, those abyssal, fathomless, yet, captivating eyes.
Coils of silver had lain in wait, their surface glinting against the tranquil scenery, a gentle breeze whisking through his golden crop as Kurapika knew what he had to do. Every second ticked towards an eternity, breathing slowed as he watched and waited, prepared to strike at the right moment, while nothing else around him was existent, the world fading into the background. Even the resonance of the day had become a low drone of sounds, the echo of his heartbeat the only thing which seemed to vibrate loudly in his ears.
His blood thrummed and body tensed. Every part of him was ready to strike, eager to bring upon the one moment when everything in its entirety would finally have meaning, and where he would bring the end to his plaguing nightmare.
Then Kurapika saw him, remembered that coat, the raven-colored hair, the tattoo emblazoned upon his forehead and the color of grey that bore down into the very reaches of his soul.
So many times he had fallen victim to his instincts and reacted without thinking as the more primitive impulses had gotten the better of him instead of being rational about it. These simple notions were the reason Kurapika soon realized how many times that type of behavior had gotten him into so much trouble in the past. Time and time again it would only prove that although he believed it was the best way to handle things, in truth, he never really saw how useless and futile it was.
However, old habits die hard, and even then, Kurapika found it difficult to resist. Instantly, he was down upon the ground while on his knees and positioned above the man who led the Genei Ryodan. His were chains coiled ruthlessly, and mercilessly around that large frame, the silver tip of his Judgement Chain ready to strike, to end it all and bring about his salvation, his demise.
Hope was like a powerful drug which had kept Kurapika going for so long. His convictions were the only fuel he had left to accelerate his drive. The desire to see everything come to fruition was the spark which only shadowed his heart. There were so many instances where all he saw was his downfall, the end of his unwanted endurance and to permanently falter into the fold of darkness and its welcoming embrace. It was that very same vision he saw within the older man's eyes, where the last ounce of his strength would wane and breathe his last, so Kurapika could take comfort in knowing he would not die in vain.
However, something swayed his judgment and stayed his hand. The look in those dark eyes was beseeching, almost pleading, and Kurapika strung curses, angry with himself that he couldn't even carry through with the one thing he vowed to do. That he was weak and insignificant, easily manipulated and that he would never see the cessation of his suffering.
The very thought crossed his mind, causing Kurapika to believe he was to wallow despair for the rest of his life, and that he would never be able to bring forth justice to his fallen kin like they so deserved.
However, life doesn't give many second chances. One Kurapika had thought he was unworthy of and yet, fate had other plans.
"It doesn't have to be like this. You don't have to throw your life away."
Kurapika remembered those words as if they were yesterday, just the way they were said, and the softness of their tone. The expression on the older man's face was enough, and the force of it was intense. Then, he felt something inside of him snap, something that changed. Perhaps it wasn't by his own volition or will, but to hear that man utter those words made Kurapika shiver, made him think and seriously wonder if the leader of the infamous gang of thieves and murderers did care.
Was that even possible? Was someone like Chrollo able to exhibit compassion and empathy?
Time seemed to stop, and during that critical moment, Kurapika could see nothing but the faces of everyone he had lost. Their expressions filled with urgency, fear, and trepidation. Just the looks alone and their imploring pleas, it was almost like he could hear their voices.
Was he willing to throw it all away? To give everything up for a moment of glory that in the end will bring him no semblance peace?
In reality, was it all worth it?
"How would you know or be able to understand? You've taken everything away from me and left me like this!"
Fate was cruel, and in so many ways, Kurapika knew. He understood every day what pain felt like and the toll it took. Just like how he struggled to retain composure and his sanity. Nothing was easy, not even this. The same had bode true after the deaths of Pakunoda and Uvogin.
"Believe me. I know more then you think, and I understand the feeling of pain and loss. However, we are almost the same, Kurapika. So I know there is no need for it to end this way."
It was unbelievable, and the thought made him wonder. However, somewhere in the back of his mind, Kurapika knew what the other man said rang true. So as he stood beneath the caress of the sun, while the breeze carried the scents of the October afternoon, it was then Kurapika had his greatest revelation. It was in that very moment when the need, the desire, along with his chained reality becoming exposed and melting away did the feel of something soft, almost light and feathery bring him into a more calm state. The sensation had awakened his senses and left him nearly satiated.
The instance was like a blanket of comfort, making him almost forget - as he should forget - his mind trying to create an illusion, and Kurapika nearly capitulated. Such was not to last, and he soon faltered, finally realizing what had been drawing under and making him house an affinity for finally letting go. The simple reasoning came when the other man had pushed up and began kissing him, which much to Kurapika's surprise he graciously accepted and returned the kiss with equal fervor.
Every urge, all instinct, will or drive to refute the man, to push the other away and deny the touch, that he had no intention of letting someone like Chrollo retain contact, much less kiss him had ebbed away and without a second thought. It had been within that moment where the only thing which mattered was the warmth of those lips and how good they made him feel.
All his worries and cares, none of it existed at that point. What counted was the fact that for once, Kurapika was finally able to see. His eyes were open as recognition struck tried and true, and for all this time he had been living a lie. There was no need to continue as he had.
"You're right. It doesn't." He whispered back finally.
Kurapika had many regrets, but this was not one of them.
However, now, he was alone. Every day a constant reminder of what regrets he did have, and the fact that there are decisions which he did make. Ones that were crucial and had changed the way things turned out on such a grand scale it left him feeling empty, abandoned, and practically neglected. Looking back on it, deciding to go had not been the best choice, as now he did hold remorse for it while contending with the loneliness in his heart.
Why did he agree to it? Why did he think it would have caused less pain if Kurapika had never met him?
Why were things like this?
Why did he and Chrollo walk away from each other? Especially after everything they had been through together?
It had been a mutual decision. Kurapika and Chrollo were able to believe they could be together considering the lives they led and that in the end, it would inevitably drive them apart.
Now, Kurapika didn't want to be this way, for destitution was something he no longer wanted.
There had to be something better than this.
He wanted Chrollo back in his life.
Need, want, desire, many of these were simple, yet fundamental structures within the human psyche. Innate and primitive, it was something seen as unnecessary. For Chrollo, he didn't have as many worldly attachments as most, and for him, certain vices he thought of were only a weight, like that of love.
As a thief by nature, to survive and exist, Chrollo had learned to steal, pilfering whatever it was he needed, regardless of circumstance. His only reasoning for everything he did was the negative outlook he had, and how mercilessly the world treated him.
It was how he lived for the majority of his life while barring no emotion and looking upon humanity as nothing more than tools, puppets that were manipulated and controlled by fate, by preordained destiny. For him, unnecessary ties were a setback, a weight that would only restrict him and in the long run, was something he ultimately did not need.
Chrollo had lived that way for a long time, realizing he needed no companion or friendships aside his Spiders, that the Genei Ryodan was all that mattered.
Living on the edge, going as he may and wherever the winds guided him was more than he needed. What little he owned he owned, and the successes of his missions were gratifying enough. Always enough.
That was until he came along.
Chrollo never had any wants or many that he didn't see as a limitation. Romantic interests were one aspect he never craved or yearned for. He never found anyone worthy of his attention or consideration, as each person was more unworthy than the last.
However, all that changed.
Kurapika.
He loved the way the younger man's name rolled from his lips, how sweet the sound and beautiful it was. As the vision of an angel, so was Kurapika. The capricious, but mesmerizing young man was enough to inveigle him and make everything he had forsaken, neglected and denied in his life evaporate away.
It was something that Chrollo had never understood, or was able to rationalize. Still, regardless of the circumstance, he had quickly fallen for the one person who had only sought to end his very existence and found contentment within it. Kurapika had given him the life he never knew and offered him something that he could appreciate and eternally cherish.
Never had he been privy to a world that wasn't cruel, heartless and downright barbarous. Every memory, all his experiences, none of them had been memorable, pleasant or wondrous. He had suffered for much of his life wandering through the vestige and sediments, bearing no name or importance, hailing from a city that housed nullity. So as a result, he had found nothing but emptiness.
That was until fate had chosen another path.
Remembering was easy. Forgetting was impossible. Not that Chrollo wanted to forget. Letting go of that moment in time was the same as wasting a valuable treasure. For as long as Chrollo could remember, the experience he had of when he realized what had been missing from his life was something that was too precious to rescind from his mind.
Sacrificing something like that was just not an option.
He recollected that day like it was yesterday, the image so vivid, so surreal, he felt like he had been living a dream. It flashed through his mind, bringing back nostalgia and of that time when his entire life had changed.
Warm. It had been a beautiful day. The sun was so luminescent as it cast its welcoming caress around him it had offered a serenity that embodied the scene, and peace he rarely saw. It all felt real, down to the feel of the wind through his hair and the sounds of tranquility in the air. It was one of few places where he found retreat, never anticipating of finding his destiny amid a pretty field of flowers.
However, things don't always happen as planned.
Like a flash, the sensation of cold metal had surrounded his body, coiling around him like a malevolent viper and felling him to the ground as he became a victim of his pretense and dereliction.
It was in that very moment when he had prepared for the end and was ready to welcome death, to fall into the grips of oblivion and let tabula rasa welcome him. Even as he looked into those hellbent, blazing eyes that seethed in vibrant scarlet, even then, he had believed the end was nigh. How beautiful Kurapika looked. Like a vengeful angel ready to strike down judgment on the condemned, and smite him where he lay in the name of atonement. Which only left him feeling admiration, yet reverence.
Giving in was hard. Regardless of pretext, or the conditions between them and of their past circumstance, Chrollo had found that he was unable to resist. For much of his life, Chrollo had been prepared to die, always walking the edge of a razor, and dancing with death was nothing new to him as its presence was a constant companion. Long ago, he had come to terms with that, because at some point, his life would see its cessation and he was all right with it.
However, as that deadly curved tip of arctic silver remained poised over his bare chest, ready to drive into him, something halted its descent, the chain only swaying aimlessly in its movement. Then he was able to see it, the uncertainty in the younger man's eyes and it was then Chrollo knew. Never once had he thought he'd have an epiphany, but it was at that point when realization hit and like an anvil to stone.
Maybe Kurapika had seen it in his eyes as well, or, perhaps the Kurta had known of his wish and desire to end such a vicious cycle.
"It doesn't have to be like this. You don't have to throw away your life."
Vast potential. Kurapika had such wild energy and unbridled skill. The younger man was all that and more. To see it all thrown away for one moment of exoneration seemed like such a waste. Still, he couldn't see the last of his kind perish for Kurapika held significance. Letting him elapse from the world was something that Chrollo didn't want to see.
Maybe he was selfish. Perhaps he was only thinking of his gain.
Instead, it was for preservation, and not Chrollo's own.
Life had a funny way of working, even though the spirit of change could be as erratic as time, itself.
"How would you know or be able to understand? You've taken everything away from me and left me this way!"
Everything slowed, the world practically freezing around them as he had faltered back to that night when everything had changed, and he invoked the catalyst the would inevitably force them to cross paths, and towards the very point they were in now.
Looking back on his past had brought about much insight.
One thing Chrollo believed was that he long since had forgotten those faces, and with enough time, they would eventually fade into nothing but a distant memory. Each one of them had looked into his emotionless eyes as they had ebbed away into nothingness, leaving behind an imprint which had stayed with him, and nearly haunted his very existence like a relentless ghost. The phantoms of the past continued to linger, and he saw them in Kurapika, saw the younger man's unremitting pain.
"Believe me. I know more then you think, and I understand the feeling of pain and loss. However, we are almost the same, Kurapika. So I know there is no need for it to end this way."
There was a lot he too, had lost. Chrollo had sacrificed so much to be where he was, and the fact remained that he had got dealt his fair share of affliction. Nothing was worse than the feeling the loss of his friends. He didn't care for many in the world, but those who had loyally and unequivocally followed him, who had pledged their lives to his and for their mutual cause, it was in their loss that he felt anguish and sorrow for. At one time, those emotions had been absent from him, and he knew nothing of compassion or remorse.
Until he saw the despair in Kurapika's beautiful blue eyes.
He didn't need to think, nor understand the reasoning for his actions. It was purely instinctual, and Chrollo felt the need to show empathy and tenderness. At one time, he wouldn't have considered it, much less, allowed himself to falter into something so essential, so intimate. Still, he had allowed himself to remain in the sensual feel of downy, of softness, of the closeness of another. Nothing else mattered, and he only wished to abolish the enmity, to break the cycle.
At that moment he had conjured the will to rise, not caring about the risk his actions may invoke and captured Kurapika's mouth, pulling the younger man down into a gentle, but passionate kiss.
Taking chances was always a gamble, but they were something he could not ignore.
All his suspicions and worries were laid to rest when the younger man reciprocated the kiss, returning it in earnest.
It was then Chrollo knew.
"You're right. It doesn't." He heard Kurapika whisper against his lips when they finally broke apart.
Perhaps it was a resolution, a finality, a profession of a new beginning. There were so many regrets Chrollo had and grief that he felt. One thing was absolute, and that was there was no mistake in his decision to fall for Kurapika, for the younger man had awakened something in him that had not been there before.
Such pleasant memories. Chrollo reflected on the pleasant sensation it produced, and couldn't help the feeling he had in the present.
The wash of loneliness hadn't abated, nor had it gone entirely away. Each day, from the moment he awoke, to the time he slept, Chrollo was constantly reminded of the fact that Kurapika was no longer with him, and the hollowness he felt because of it.
How things ended the way they did was something Chrollo housed heartache over, for if anything, it was something he did regret.
So many times he asked himself why, and each time the conclusion remained the same.
Both of them had agreed to it, Chrollo would remind himself because neither felt they could remain together with how they chose to live and the paths they walked. It had been that very aspect which caused them to decide it was best to walk away, and for that, if left him feeling the aftermath of that choice.
If he could go back in time and undo his mistakes, stop himself from turning his back and prevent himself from ever turning away from Kurapika, he would. For living without the gorgeous and extraordinary young blond boy was something Chrollo realized he could not do.
He needed Kurapika. He truly needed him.
The early spring breeze whisked through short, aurulent tresses, brushing them astray and before lovely blue eyes, nearly obscuring them from view as Kurapika stood amid a lush, verdant meadow. A myriad of flowers had come into full bloom, and they leaned against the wind, bending into its touch. It had been quite some time since Kurapika had last been there, the remembrance of it only left him thoroughly reminded of where it had all began.
It was hard returning to the place that only seemed to resurface painful memories, but he couldn't help being drawn to it as the very reason was now standing just mere feet away. His eyes quickly fixed longingly on dark, bewitching greys, the very same he always held a fondness for and seemed to captivate him, yet bore down into his very soul. Kurapika expelled a sharp breath, and the tightness in his chest only proved of the apprehension he was feeling. It was hard enough being here, and being so close to the one person he had to let go, only made it that much more difficult.
Why they had both agreed to meet Kurapika was still unsure. There was something more, something underlying, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He was sure of it, but each moment they were there only made him feel anxious.
What he hadn't realized immediately was that Chrollo had been feeling the same way. The older man was struggling with his own emotions, resisting every urge to run to Kurapika and embrace the young blond, every part of him straining with the agony that the other man was so close, but seemed so far, and out of reach.
They stood in silence for what felt like an eternity, neither making a move, only defying the impulses that coursed through them.
"Why are we even here? I thought we had made our decision a long time ago." Kurapika broke the silence, though the ache in his voice was evident.
Was there a definite answer? Would either be able to see the reason?
Both of them knew what they wanted; it was just something neither felt was achievable. Being here only made it harder.
"We did. Despite I know the outcome which ensued from it, and with as difficult it has been, I just-" Chrollo paused, the rhythm of his heart had become erratic, the thumping almost agonizing and he felt his breathing become laborious, "I had to see you. It's been so long Kurapika and each day has been hard without you."
Why did he do this to himself? To continue suffering and make things worse than it was?
Being so close to Kurapika, seeing him again.
"Chrollo…" Kurapika began, and his eyes started to sting as crystalline droplets threatened to break from the dams that fought so hard to keep them back and soon, were streaming down his pale cheeks, "Why-?
He was cut off instantly as Chrollo spoke once more, "No need to speak, Kurapika for I know you feel the same way I do." He admitted, voice pleading. It was amazing just how much Kurapika had changed things in him. The Kurta was indeed, special.
"Then why did we do it? Why did we agree? I have hated the decision ever since."
He did hate it too. Chrollo had hated it with every fiber of his being since that day, and the memory, the misery of it was real. All too real.
The wounds had not healed and probably never would. They were both afflicted. Both shackled and chained, laden by the choices they made and the lives they led. There was just no ability to wash away the heartache they both felt.
They couldn't be together, yet, could not be apart.
Did it have to be like this?
"I too, have hated it," Chrollo confessed, tone affirming his struggle, "there isn't a day that goes by where I regret my decision. As strange as that may sound, being without you has been excruciating."
Kurapika found it near impossible to remain stationary, translucent rivers now flowing abundantly down his cheeks, and falling like scarlet droplets from the base of his jaw. No longer could he hold back, to restrain the urges, his mind only focused on the older man who still seemed too far away.
"I have felt the same way. Being apart from you, I can't do it any longer. Losing you has been like losing a part of myself. I don't want to continue like this." Kurapika uttered, unable to choke back the tears.
Without thinking, without resisting any further and of his own volition, Kurapika closed the gap, the distance only infinitesimal as he soon found himself within the embrace he had long for, yearned for, and missed more than mere words could express. The warmth was so inviting as those powerful arms encased him within their protective shelter and it was then Kurapika completely ceded.
How Chrollo had missed this, even as he wrapped the blond up and held him firmly against his body, never wanting to let go. Even if this was wrong, even if he thought they might be making a terrible decision, and one that could hold immediate consequences, fate be damned, they were going to defy the odds and be together. They would make it work this time.
"I know. There has been a void in my own heart ever since. Being apart from you, I don't think I can bear it any longer." Chrollo realized in his own heart just how right it was
He locked eyes with the raven-haired man, tears blurring his vision. Hearing those very words exit from Chrollo's lips; it was enough to strengthen his resolve. At one time that very resolve was held for those he had lost, now he clutched to it because of his love for the one person who had saved him, who had given him a reason to live, and for whom he had never stopped loving.
What scared Kurapika the most was them being forced apart again because of who they were and the choices they had made. Kurapika was a hunter, Chrollo a class S criminal. However, none of that mattered when it came to the aspect of love. They had seen past the differences, learned to move forward and had exonerated each other from their trespasses, both having found forgiveness. Even then, they couldn't find happiness.
Since the beginning, they had met in secret, keeping their love, and their relationship concealed from those around them out of fear and shame, for they had connections to people who would not approve of their affection and would only seek to bring about its cessation. Because of this, because of that fear, it was due to that they agreed to separate.
But now…
"Let's run away. The thought of another day without you…"
Chrollo never thought he would hear Kurapika so willing to throw everything away and without hesitation. Many times he had entertained the idea but was never able to bring himself to do it. Hearing Kurapika so eager - being with his lover was all that mattered. As preposterous it sounded, the Genei Ryodan would survive without him. They had been forged that way and were conditioned to do so if something happened to him. Leaving them to manage on their own, well, it would be easy to do.
Leaving that life behind seemed the right thing to do although it was how he had lived for longer then he could remember.
Kurapika meant that much and more to him and if the younger man was willing to walk away from it all, then so was he.
"Are you sure about this?" Chrollo asked before committing.
"Yes. I am sure." Kurapika confirmed without hesitation.
Of course, he would miss Gon, Killua and even that big lummox, Leorio, but like he was sure the rest of Chrollo's spiders would never approve of them, he was confident the same would be regarding his friends. It was the only solution they had. As painful and irreversible the decision was, it needed to happen. The pain of them being apart had far outweighed the pain of severing the rest of his ties.
"Then that is what we shall do." Chrollo finally professed, comfortable with his decision.
Kurapika smiled, ready to embrace that of a new future, even if it meant starting over, starting anew. Like the legendary phoenix that arose from the ashes and was reborn, so would they. All the needed was each other.
There would be no more need for regrets.
"Let's go someplace far away from here, to where no one knows who we are." He vocalized slowly, fingers interlacing with Chrollo's own. "And to where love is more than just our names.
After Thoughts: I had actually altered the original premise behind this one to conform to the last set of prompts. It was at first being written for the first set of prompts I wrote for then this just... Went in such a completely different direction that I ended up changing it to fit the Fate/Regret prompts. In the end, I think it turned out quite well. Or at least I hope it did lol.
Also bonus points for anyone who can find the one easter egg I hid within this story. ^^
Thank you to everyone who participated in KuroKura week! We had such a nice turn out. :D Lotsa great works by so many talented people. You guys are awesome!