STOP! BEFORE YOU READ THIS, TURN ON "HIDE AND SEEK" BY IMOGEN HEAP TO ENHANCE THE EXPERIENCE. THANK YOU, AND ENJOY READING.
Slow heart, dark weight, down, love, black canvas, revolve within, you understand
The hardest thing was where to start. Once you know where you start you know where you're going. Don't give me that bullshit, that sometimes when you start, you don't know how to stop, you think it's only once, no one really thinks it's only once. You try to convince yourself, yeah, you try to convince yourself that after a while you'll stop but you know where you're going when you start. I knew where I was going. Every fucking second, I knew it. I put on a happy face, yeah, that's what they all say, but that's what I did, I fucking put it on so no one would fucking know.
Fragile earth where cracks in the temperature, keep it cool to give, you understand
With Irkens it's bad to kill yourself. Well yeah, it's bad to kill yourself anyway, in other standards, but with Irkens there's no middle ground. There's no disdain, there's no "stop crying your fucking life away and stop trying to get attention", there's none of that. When you try and you don't succeed people know and people love you. It's not phony love either, let me tell you that. They want to make it all better, regardless of how it just won't. But another thing people don't realize is the pressure. The fucking pressure. When you try to kill yourself it's not because no one loves you it's because you don't want to do your job anymore, it's because you've been rejected, it's everything that no matter how hard people try, it just won't go away.
Keep it cool to give, you understand
I think Pur knows. Yeah, he's gotta know. I've been doing it so much now. I knew where I was going to end up, just like I told ya, but I figured he didn't really need to know. He says he found some needles in my trashcan and he's worried about me. He's never worried about me, bullshit he's worried.
Slow heart, dark weight, down, love, black canvas, revolve within, you understand
It hurts the first few times, but this ain't the first few times anymore.
Fragile earth where cracks in the temperature, keep it cool to give, you understand
I looked at myself the first time in a few weeks today. I've been avoiding it just because. What, you think I'm fucking ashamed? I'm not fucking ashamed. I just don't like looking anymore. I like the old picture I have of myself, me, Pur, using our money, our power, just having the time of our lives. That was it, that's what I'm going for.
Keep it cool to give, you understand
I wonder if any of this would be different if I had had a childhood. You know, the stories of people with messed up childhoods who grow up to be serial killers and peel the skin off their victims and wear it like it's the greatest fashion. I didn't have that, I didn't even have a childhood. I just went through some training, me and Pur, and then before we knew it Tallest Spork or whatever his fuckin' name was got knocked off and we were next in line. So I guess that's a pretty good portrayal of a messed up childhood, you know, not having one at all I guess.
Cause I just can't find the strength to pull you up and keep you taut
No I just can't find the strength to hold you up and keep you taut
I got medical problems. I do, really, like breathing funny and stuff, I'm tired all the time, aside from when I'm using, I'm not tired then. I'm not tired when I'm high. And I'm cold all the time! So Pur gave me this shit to take when I'm cold. I didn't like it. Took away the high.
Hijacked, lost tracks, light fades another day lapsed, long shadows lure you in
I have this nagging cough. I haven't really been coughing in front of anyone but like, the past few days I can't help it. So I figure if I'm getting worse it can't get much better, ya know, so I figure I'm just done with this shit right now.
The more you look the less you see, so close your eyes and start to breathe
I went into my bathroom and locked the door. I tried to ignore it but this asshole was looking at me, through a window or something, just looking, so I guess I couldn't help to look back. Poor guy was a drug-starved lunatic. Looked really horrible, like, bags under his eyes and everything. I saw he had the same room as me, I was fucking looking through a mirror. I knew this when I started though, so I didn't care. I knew this is where I was going. I knew this was where I'm going.
Oh, you said yourself, this wasn't easy, mm, you said yourself this wasn't easy
I opened the cabinet. The bottom one where the sink was, the pipes for the sink were there, and I got out my shit and started doing it. After like fifteen minutes I was out and I needed more. I needed more, I don't know why, maybe 'cause I figured earlier I was just done with it all, the cough and all like I told you, so I reached down and found some stuff to clean the sink with. Why not. I found some stuff to get rust off the pipes with, and why not to that too, hell I figured I took everything in that entire lil' cabinet. Interesting high. Interesting, interesting, interesting.
Oh, I just can't find the strength to pull you up and keep you taut
No, I just can't find the strength to hold you up and keep you taut
Cause I just can't find the strength
To keep you taut
When I woke up in the hospital with Pur standing there, knowing as much as I did, I just felt stupid. Not ashamed, because I'm not ashamed, but like, just stupid. Ya know? I figured he was the ashamed one, so I guess I didn't need to be, since he was it, but I still felt stupid. When he looked at me I just felt stupid, so I just smiled, and I can't remember if he smiled back or not.