Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the associated milieu belongs to J. K. Rowling and various publishers. I'm just borrowing the characters and the world for my own fun.
AN: All right, this is just a really weird and silly idea that popped in my head suddenly, and I just had to write it down. I guess this isn't for those easily offended, but hopefully someone gets a laugh out of this...
He wasn't the kind of bloke to talk about it, but in all honesty he did feel a bit left out with his best friends dating. He knew that they tried to include him in everything as much as possible, and he was grateful for that, but it didn't change the fact that his friends had a world of their own – a world that he couldn't be a part of. But as always, he just shrugged the thought off as he entered the Head Students' suite and the lair of his two best friends.
Harry and Hermione were talking about something and seemed to be so focused on each other that they didn't notice him entering. They were sitting on arm chairs, facing each other, and all in all the situation seemed quite innocent.
"No, Harry, that's just... rude," he could hear Hermione's slightly vexed voice saying.
"Well, what about flower then?" asked the patient voice of Harry as a reply.
Ron knew his best friends so well that he could practically hear Hermione thinking about whatever they were discussing. "Well, that's much better and certainly nicer, but isn't it quite cliché?" she finally asked in return and now she seemed somewhat pleased.
"But you call it monster, so I don't see what the problem is," Harry replied in an amused tone.
"Well, you said you didn't mind it, and I think it is very suitable," Hermione defended herself, although she seemed to be amused too.
"No, I don't mind, and I agree with you, anyway. It does suit very well," Harry replied with a slight chuckle and besides being amused, his voice was also somewhat sweet.
Ron had finally heard enough to know that whatever they were discussing seemed "safe", so he decided to make his presence known to the two, as they still hadn't noticed him.
"Hi, Harry and Hermione," he said as he walked towards them.
"Hi, Ron," they replied as one when they heard him, and Ron saw them grinning at each other at that.
"So, what were you talking about?" Ron asked conversationally as he sat down on another arm chair near them.
"Uhm, are you sure you want to hear that?" Harry asked in return, slightly uncertainly.
"Oh, come on, you two have been cooped up in your suite for most of the weekend. And besides it didn't sound like you were talking about anything like that," he said finishing with a slight pressure on the last words, something that Harry and Hermione were quite familiar with.
Harry turned to look at Hermione, but she just shrugged a bit, and Harry could have sworn that there was a slight mischievous twinkle in her eyes, although she hid it very well. "Well, all right then," he said with a shrug, smirking inwardly as he turned towards Ron.
"I was just trying to come up with a name for Hermione's... female part?" he continued unabashedly, but he turned to look at her questioningly at the end.
"Just call it 'vagina' for now, Harry," she replied helpfully.
Ron had at first gone totally red, even surpassing his hair in depth of colour, but then he somehow managed to turn almost totally white in just few seconds. "Uh... huh? Wha– What?" he managed to choke out.
Hermione ignored his reaction and rolled her eyes without a trace of embarrassment. "Honestly, I can't understand why there isn't a decent word for those two parts of anatomy, because believe it or not, sometimes there actually is need to talk about about them. The clinical terms are just so... well, clinical, and there's not a bit of romance in them. And all the slang terms just seem so vulgar and rude," she rambled, but then she turned to look at Harry with a lecherous grin. "Although they are quite suitable in some situations," she said in a slightly hushed tone and waggled her eyebrows suggestively at Harry, and he grinned back at her.
Then Hermione sobered and turned back to Ron and continued in her normal voice. "So we've decided to come up with our own words for them, and I already named Harry's penis as 'monster'," she said, finishing with an amused smile aimed at Harry.
Ron had managed to go through a full transformation from white to red and back again three times during her speech, but now he managed to miraculously settle to something between the two states, looking both pale and blushed. "Ugh, you two..." he said, quite shocked, shaking his head in disbelief, and not really looking at either Harry nor Hermione, and he stood up from his chair.
"No offence, but you two are absolutely..." Ron started, but trailed off at a loss of words. "Ugh, right, I'll just see you later," he managed to get out and he started walking towards the door.
"See you, Ron," Harry and Hermione replied cheerfully, again speaking in harmony.
As Ron got to the door and opened it to go out, he heard the two talking again.
"Cave! Monsters live in caves!" Harry's triumphant voice said suddenly.
"Harry Potter! You're definitely not going to call one of my most precious body parts a 'cave'!" Hermione's irritated voice replied, and that was the last thing Ron heard as he closed the door behind him and groaned. He was quite mortified about what he had just heard his friends talking about, but at the same time he couldn't help feeling that he should really get a girlfriend too.