"SonofaBITCH!" The last word was punctuated by the sound of a coffee cup smashing against the wall of her quarters. "He PROMISED!"
After dropping off the Admiral at the VIP quarters, she'd returned to her own and attempted to get some sleep. Instead she'd tossed and turned for over an hour, then resigned herself to another sleepless night. She'd spent the last hour pacing the outer room of her quarters, muttering to herself. "How did it get this way? What the hell happened? Why did he abandon his promise?"
"Seven of Nine is going to die… in the arms of her husband… Chakotay."
The Admiral's words had cut her to the quick. Hearing that Seven would die had been like a punch in the gut, but the revelation that Chakotay had been married to the ex-Borg nearly dropped her to her knees right in the corridor. She'd been so caught up in the news, she barely registered the Admiral's final revelation.
"...And then, of course, there's Tuvok's illness…"
"Illness?" She barely croaked out.
"He has a degenerative neurological condition. The cure is in the Alpha Quadrant, but I didn't get home in time for it to make a difference. You can, if you just follow my plan and use the trans-warp conduit in that nebula."
The two Kathryn Janeways had headed straight to their ready room and shared a cup of coffee while the Captain grilled her older counterpart.
"They've been dating for a few weeks. Nothing serious, yet, but he's afraid to tell you."
"He should be afraid! How dare he!" she slumped back in her seat and rested her head back against the cushions. The Admiral mirrored her actions at the other end of the sofa. She rolled her head to the side so she could look at the Admiral. "You had to perform the wedding ceremony, didn't you?"
The Admiral swallowed hard and tears filled her eyes as she nodded. "It was the most difficult day of my life. After that, the only reason I wanted to get home was to get away from them, so I didn't have to see them be happy together."
The Captain clasped the Admiral's hand in a show of solidarity and comfort. "Did you ever say anything to him about his… other… promises?"
The Admiral shook her head. "By the time he told me about his relationship with Seven, he was too far gone for it to make a difference." She suddenly sat up, tightening the hold on the younger woman's hand. "But it's not too late for you. You can remind him of his promise, point out that you'll be home tomorrow, and that you expect him to hold up his end of the bargain."
Kathryn shook her head and sighed. "That promise was made five years ago. It seems as if it's too late for us."
"Hrumph..." The Admiral sat back against the couch again. "If I had realized how quickly you would give up, I might not have made this journey."
"Tell me about Tuvok. He's sick?"
"Yes." The Admiral sighed and nodded.
"But it can be cured?"
Another nod.
"But that cure is in the Alpha Quadrant."
Another nod.
"Why can't we cure it here? I'm sure if the Doctor was able to study it…"
"The Doctor is already studying it. He's come up with a treatment that is slowing the progression of the disease, but he won't be able to hold it off forever."
"Why can't we cure it here?"
"The cure requires a deep mind meld with a direct family member." She held up her hand to stave off Kathryn's response. "Before you try, the meld is much deeper than the regression you and he performed. It requires a fully-trained family member to meld and, essentially, rewire the degenerating pathways. It's already serious enough that he will need to be taken directly to Vulcan as soon as you get home."
The Admiral sat up again and leaned toward Kathryn, clasping her hands tightly. "Kathryn, please, you must get home in time to help him." The tears were back in her eyes and her breath hitched. "My Tuvok… he's… he's locked up in a hospital, huddled on the floor scribbling notes only he knows what about."
Kathryn stared at the older woman, trying to imagine Tuvok behaving the way the Admiral had described. It was terrifying… and heartbreaking. Why the hell had this woman, this bitter older version of herself, decided to come back to shatter her life? She sighed painfully. The Admiral had come back to make sure that her life wasn't shattered. Kathryn straightened her shoulders. It was time to get working on a solution they could both live with.
That had been several hours ago. The two women had actually come up with a solution, which was all set and ready to go in the morning. Now all she had to do was wait for the plan to get underway.
Kathryn sighed and rested her head against the bulkhead. The hope that she had held onto for so long had been crushed by only a few words… 'Seven of Nine is going to die… in the arms of her husband… Chakotay.' The tears slipped down her cheeks unnoticed.
Crickets! She'd trusted his words to her all those years ago on that planet she had insisted they name New Earth. At the time, she had needed something simple that expressed her desire to be back with Voyager… still heading toward that lofty goal.
"...And in that way, he began to know the true meaning of peace…"
Her Angry Warrior laid his heart out to her with his made up legend. His words, in turn, opened her heart up to an opportunity at a life she had never imagined for herself. With his guidance, she learned to embrace that life - and him.
They spent their days working to make the shelter into a home - Chakotay gathering the supplies to build onto and strengthen the shelter, and Kathryn researching the local plants and soil to determine what could be cultivated for food, alleviating their dependence on the replicator.
The evenings were spent together - talking, laughing, sharing stories of their lives. For the first time in her life, Kathryn found herself able to turn herself off in the evenings. She'd always been so driven that her mind was constantly in motion - reading, studying, researching. She was often barely able to sleep as her mind revolved around some specific idea she had been working on. There were even times when she didn't eat because she was so engrossed she forgot that a whole day had passed.
Now, she was much more interested in spending quiet time with Chakotay. They took things slowly. They had all their lives - or so they thought - so they allowed their relationship to evolve at a leisurely pace. About a week after his legend, they shared their first kiss under stars that were slowly becoming familiar. Their conversations became deeper… the silences more comfortable… the kisses more passionate.
She fell in love with Chakotay - sometimes she felt she had always been in love with him. Despite the fact that her scientific mind would not allow for the idea, she began to believe that the two of them were soulmates. Kathryn had no doubt that it would only be a couple more days before they both gave in to the passion that was growing between them. Then, out of the blue, came Tuvok's voice over the communicator badge she had forgotten existed, and reality reared its ugly head.
After she cut the communication with Tuvok, the two of them simply stared at each other for a long moment. Then Chakotay mumbled something about needing space and disappeared down the path they had worn to the river.
She busied herself with cleaning up the shelter, then focused her mind on decisions about what to take with them and what to leave. The bathtub would have to stay, but she thought the headboards would work on the beds in their quarters. Chakotay had completed several sand paintings and an etching of her little primate friend. She decided that those should come with them.
Suddenly her knees went out from underneath her and she landed in the chair he had carved for her. Them. Was there a 'them' back on Voyager? Could something like the relationship they had built here work between the Command Team on a starship lost in an unknown part of space?
All afternoon her mind turned around in circles, exploring every inch of the possibilities and ramifications of a relationship between the two of them while on board Voyager. In the end, her conclusion had been simple - she loved him. She loved him more than either of the two men she had been engaged to in her past. Together, they could survive anything.
The sun was setting by the time Chakotay returned. Anxious to share the musings of her day with him, she met him at the edge of the path. But fear took over when she looked into his eyes, They were guarded - closed off from her. He didn't respond to her hug when she greeted him, moving away from her instead. He led her to the bench he had built under the tree near the shelter and began speaking. As he spoke, the life she had grown to love shattered and crashed around her.
"We can't be together on board," he said. "We're the top two officers on the ship. We can't afford the distraction of a personal relationship. I've experienced what a relationship like that with a member of your crew does to your decision-making abilities. Seska undermined me, confused me, distracted me. There's no room for that on Voyager. If we have a fight, there's no escape. There's a reason Starfleet has protocols against fraternization. Our command decisions will be affected. What would happen if one of us had to make the decision to send the other into a dangerous situation? How would we handle it if someone had to be left behind?"
On and on he droned, pulverizing the shards of her heart that might have remained. Kathryn's mind was reeling so much she was no longer able to take in the details of what he was saying. Finally, he took her hand and turned her to face him, then lifted her chin until she was forced to look him in the eyes. In them, she found the same shattered pain she knew was in hers.
Tears rolled down his face as his final words shoved the knife into her heart, "Kathryn, I love you more than I can put into words. I will love you until the end of my days - and into the spirit world after. There will never be another for me. But I can't be with you while we're stuck in the Delta Quadrant. It's just too dangerous - for us… for the crew… the ship. My pledge remains - I will always be by your side, doing whatever I can to make your burdens lighter. But I can only do it as your friend."
Kathryn could barely speak, "I love you Chakotay. We can work this out. There will be difficult times, but we can do anything together. Please don't end this. Please."
"We have to, Kathryn." He took a deep breath and looked deeply into her eyes, "On my life, I will promise you this: If we are both still alive when we get home to Earth, I will take you into my arms and never let you go. I will make you my wife, and I will build my future around you." He kissed her gently, then got up and walked into the shelter, leaving her sobbing.
They returned to Voyager the next day, given a clean bill of health by the Doctor, and went on duty straight away.
Kathryn had steeled herself for the return to a command relationship, but was finding it difficult. Being overly formal with him was the only way she could get through it. He responded in kind. After ordering him to complete several reports, she remained on the bridge only a short period of time before escaping to her ready room and burying herself in getting up to speed on what had happened on the ship while she'd been away.
That evening, she tried once more to approach Chakotay on the subject of their relationship, but he shot her down before she could get more than a few words out.
"Kathryn, my mind is made up. Please don't bring this up again, or I'll have to bring harassment protocols into play."
Shocked at the harshness of his tone, she let him walk away from her. Having nothing left and no-one to go to, she headed to her quarters in a daze, barely making it there before the tears came.
The following months had been pure torture for her. There was nobody for her to confide in, so she hid in her quarters and licked her wounds in private. Chakotay slipped back into his on-board friendships easily and was soon visiting Sandrine's and playing pool as if he hadn't been away for six weeks. A month or so after their return, she overheard a conversation between two members of the crew.
"What the hell is up between the Captain and Chakotay? She's holed up in her ready room or her quarters, and he's wandering around like a little lost puppy."
"I heard that something happened between them down on that planet, but that she called it off when they came back to the ship."
"Why the hell would she do that?"
"I'm not sure. B'Elanna said she'd asked him about his relationship with the Captain, but all he would say is that it was 'complicated' and mentioned the idea of protocols getting in the way."
"Seriously? Protocols 70,000 light years away from StarFleet? What does she expect? Make him be alone for 70 years? What a bitch!"
"I don't really think she's a bitch. I mean, she's sentencing herself to the same 70 years alone. She's just really too caught up in those stupid protocols that don't mean a damn thing all the way out here."
Kathryn's first instinct had been to race after the two women and set them straight about who was forcing protocols on whom. But she'd stopped herself just in time. The same protocol that Chakotay had invoked to avoid her confronting him about their personal relationship also banned her from discussing it with anyone else. So, she had kept the truth to herself and let the crew think it was she who had pushed him away.
She had never spoken of their relationship to him again. It had taken some time for her to lock away her heart, but she had somehow managed. Once the passion had cooled between them, they had been able to build their relationship into the deepest friendship she'd ever known. She treasured that bond, depended on it when the DQ tried its best to destroy her.
Many times she nearly confronted him again, wanting to point out that their differences of opinion had not destroyed the friendship between them - nor had their friendship gotten in the way of their command decisions. Afraid of destroying what they had been able to build kept her quiet.
When she got the "Dear John" letter from Mark, a part of her had hoped that he would bring it up then. But, although there were a few tension-filled moments, he never spoke up. All she could do was cling to the promises he had made on the planet, and continue to look for a way to get them home as soon as possible.
The strength of their bond was tested and weakened over the years, but they always found their way back to each other. Chakotay had a few relationships with the 'alien babe of the month' (as she liked to think of them). There was the blond former borg that had implanted him with a borg transponder and joined him into her 'collective'...and the member of Species 8472 who had appeared as a human woman.
She'd even come across a mention in the journal she kept (her 'true' personal log she hand wrote so she could keep it secret from Starfleet - and anyone else with prying eyes) about some woman who made them forget everything about her and her species as soon as they left the ship. Despite his seeming defections, she always forgave him. After all, as the saying went, 'a man has needs'.
She wasn't entirely innocent, either. There'd been the Langolian Prince who had insisted she remain planetside for the entire duration of their negotiations, and subsequent shore leave time. They'd spent many hours together touring his beautiful planet. The last night of their visit, she had spent in his bedroom.
The look on Chakotay's face had been priceless. She knew that he had access to the Doctor's report on the physiological compatibility she'd asked for - which meant that he knew what was happening between her and the prince. He never said a word about it, or about anyone else. He'd even encouraged her to spend time with that hologram (she still couldn't believe she had gone that far). After all, a woman 'has needs', too.
The situation on Quarra with Jaffen had really put a strain on their relationship, though. This hadn't been a 'babe of the month'. She'd moved in with the man for heaven's sakes! Although they had talked about her feelings on having her mind altered and her life rewritten, they'd never gone so far as to talk about that part - or the fact that she'd still been reeling from the crushing loneliness of returning to the constraints of being Captain when she said goodbye to Jaffen, and had actually invited him to come with her.
Had that been the final break in their bond? No. Unless he had bugged her quarters or read her journal, Chakotay would have had no way of knowing about her invitation. She had also mentioned in her official incident report that she, along with the rest of the crew, was still having trouble coming to terms with how their personalities had been altered.
She'd used herself as an example - that she would never have moved so quickly in a romantic relationship. If he had read her official report, he would at least know that much.
Still, that had to have been some kind of turning point. It can't have been very long after they left Quarra that this 'thing' between Chakotay and Seven had begun. He had apparently given up on her - on them - and moved on. He'd forgotten or ignored his promises to her and decided to build a life with someone else. According to the Admiral, he'd done so completely, and never looked back.
What a hypocrite! He had gone on and on about how a relationship with someone in the crew wasn't possible for him. Yet, here he was, dating (and eventually marrying) exactly that. Maybe he hadn't really loved her after all. Maybe back on that planet, she'd been nothing more than a convenient lay - the only possibility for the rest of his life. Maybe his words of promise to her had simply been a way of letting her down easy.
Gods, she was a fool! How could she not have seen it? His refusal to discuss the situation when they returned to the ship… the ease at which he moved on while she was nearly frozen with grief… his willingness to be nothing more than her friend. She'd always thought that the closeness of their friendship was due, in part, to the unspoken love that they shared. How could she have been so blind? Her heart once more broken into a million pieces, the tears poured down her face.
*Captain, the time is 0500. Captain, the time is 0500*
"Computer, reset time 24 hours, lights 50%." She mumbled just loud enough for the computer to hear her then sat up, disoriented and achy. It took her a few minutes to realize that she had been curled up in a ball on the floor of her quarters. She must have cried herself to sleep where she was.
'At least I was able to get a few hours' sleep' she thought wryly. 'Even if I am too old to be sleeping on the floor.' She stretched and rubbed the crust from her tear-swollen eyes, replicated a cup of coffee, and headed for the shower. Much as a bath would help ease the kinks out of her neck and back, she didn't have time. She did allow herself the luxury of a piping-hot water shower, though. It cost her a large number of replicator rations but she figured that, one way or the other, she wouldn't need them after today.
She emerged from the shower feeling better and more focused. Pulling on her uniform, she took a good hard look at herself in the mirror. "You've had your time crying over spilt milk, now get up and face the world with your head held high. You are Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. In a few hours, you will have led your crew across 70,000 light years of unknown space and brought them safely home. You have successfully beat the Kazon, the Hirogen, the Borg, the Devore, and many hundreds of other hostile races. You have made successful first contact with hundreds of peaceful ones. Whatever your personal situation, you are a damn fine captain with a damn fine crew." She turned on her heel and strode out the door.
She could feel the shock wave from the torpedo as the ship shook violently, then suddenly all was calm. The viewscreen showed several Federation ships - all with their shields up and weapons armed - all facing them. Kathryn sat for a moment, stunned. "We did it…" she whispered to herself, disbelief in her voice.
"Captain, we're being hailed." came Harry Kim's voice from behind her.
"On screen.." The view of the ships disappeared and was replaced by the shocked faces of Admiral Paris, Reg Barclay, and several other Starfleet officers. "Sorry to surprise you. " She couldn't help the joyous sarcasm. "Next time we'll call ahead."
"Welcome back. " A stunned Admiral Paris stared at her through the viewscreen.
"It's good to be here."
"How did you…?"
Out of practice with responding to a superior officer, she cut him off. "It'll all be in my report, sir."
"I look forward to it." Luckily, everyone was still stunned, and she was speaking to her old mentor, so he let her insubordination go without comment.
The transmission ended and Kathryn gave herself a moment. "Thanks for your help, Admiral Janeway."
"Sickbay to the bridge. Doctor to Lieutenant Paris. There's someone here who'd like to say hello." They could all hear a baby crying in background. Tom swirled in his seat to look at her, eyes wide with amazement.
"You'd better get down there, Tom."
"Yes, ma'am." he choked out as he flew to the turbolift.
She looked to her left to celebrate the moment with Chakotay… but he wasn't there. Confused, her eyes searched the bridge. There he was… standing next to Seven at the auxiliary station where she had been working. '...and there went his final promise - to always be at my side.'
Part of her just wanted to leave it alone… head to her ready room and let them carry on as if she wasn't there - not that she thought he would even notice at this point. But she'd had enough of keeping herself on the back burner. She was still the Captain, so she did the only thing she could think of to get the two of them apart… even if it was for a short time.
"Mister Chakotay."
"Yes, Captain."
"The helm?" She swept her hand toward Tom's empty seat.
He started, as if just realizing where he was, then trotted down to the helm with a quiet "Aye, Captain."
"Harry, are we where we thought we would be?"
There was a moment of quiet while he checked the readings. "Well, yes and no, Captain." His voice was hesitant.
She turned to look at him. "Well? Which is it?"
He quietly cleared his throat, "We are in the Alpha Quadrant, but… umm… we're still several dozen light years away from the Sol system."
She stood and turned to look at Seven squarely. "Seven?"
"It seems that I miscalculated which conduit to take, Captain." Her typical matter of fact tone grated on Kathryn's nerves.
"Well, then, I suggest that you get down to Astrometrics and figure out how that happened." Anger dripped from her voice. Seven nodded, and disappeared through the turbolift doors.
"Harry - open a ship wide channel."
"Channel open, Captain."
"Voyagers, I'm happy to announce that we have succeeded. We are in the Alpha Quadrant and have already been in touch with Starfleet. We're still a few light years away, but we should be home in another week or so." Harry reversed the comm so the cheers of the crew could be heard.
She turned back and settled herself in her seat. "Set a course for home."
"Captain..." Chakotay sounded bewildered. "Starfleet Command has ordered us to an all-stop."
She was perplexed - why would they do that? There seemed no reason. She thought about contacting Admiral Paris again and arguing her point, but hesitated to be seen fighting Command from the bridge. She would speak to them later on - in private.
Her crew would be even more confused, she realized. "Voyager is damaged, and Starfleet isn't accustomed to moving while doing extensive repairs like we are. We'll let it go for a while, then I'll speak to them later on." She hoped she sounded reassuring.
She stayed on the bridge only a few minutes more. Needing space to take in all that had just happened, she handed over the bridge to Chakotay and escaped to her ready room.
Chakotay watched her go. There was something wrong. She should be jumping for joy and celebrating like the rest of the crew. Instead, she was hiding in her ready room. He tried to console himself with the idea that she was overwhelmed with all that had happened in the past few days and didn't want the crew to see her reaction. But he knew it was something more.
A few moments after she had disappeared, she called Tuvok into her ready room. When the Vulcan reappeared, he bade the entire bridge crew a 'Live Long and Prosper' then disappeared into the turbolift. They all watched him go, confusion written all over their faces. Had he just said a definitive goodbye? As if he was leaving the ship for good? It certainly sounded that way. Chakotay had had enough. It was time to get some answers.
He was just standing up when her hail came, "Chakotay, please join me in my ready room."
"Harry - you have the bridge." He gave the ensign a brief glance, and noticed the look of relief on the young man's face. He chuckled to himself - once the Captain had spoken to him, there was always more clarity to her movements. He hurried to her door and pressed the chime.
The Captain was standing at her window, looking out over the stars - a pose he had seen so many times it was burned in his memory. "Captain? You wanted to see me?"
With no preamble, she began speaking. "Tuvok has left the ship. He needs immediate medical attention that, now we are in the Alpha Quadrant, he will be able to receive in time."
In time? This must be one of the revelations the Admiral had put forth to convince the Captain to go along with the plan. "Can I ask what is wrong?"
"No. It's his own private matter. He must be the one to speak to you, if he wants you to know about it. Suffice it to say, the cure for his ailment is available here and he is on his way to receive it."
"But the cure was not available in the Delta Quadrant."
"Correct." She still hadn't turned around.
"Thank you for informing me. I will make sure to ease the crew's worries."
"I appreciate that." He saw her sigh deeply, then she turned and stared at him. "I know about you and Seven."
Damn. "Kathryn, I…"
She put up her hand to wave him off. "I just want you to know that I won't officiate at your wedding. I won't be in attendance at all."
"Wedding? Kathryn, what are you talking about? We're not getting married!"
"That's not what I've been told." Her voice was cold… distant.
He was dumbfounded. In his confusion, he focused on the wrong part of what she was saying. "Why wouldn't you even go?"
She gave him a death glare, "Because you don't have a very good track record for keeping your promises."
"Kathryn, I…"
She cut him off again, "I expect we will need to work together during the debriefings, but after that, I see no need for further communication between us."
"What! Kathryn, what are you saying?"
"I should think that's pretty obvious, Commander. Once one the debriefings are completed, our… connection… will come to an end." She gave him another hard look and took a deep breath. "That's all I wanted to say to you. Dismissed."
"Kathryn…."
"I said dismissed, Commander."
"Aye, Captain." he couldn't help snapping back then turned on his heel and walked out the door.
Kathryn sagged against her window. That had been difficult, but necessary. Although, she had to admit that she had rather enjoyed it. After the pain-filled, sleepless night she had endured, watching his face run through all those emotions had been satisfying. Dismay over how she knew; confusion over what she meant by a wedding; finally (and this one really gratified her wounded heart) fear and pain over losing her friendship.
'How does it feel, Chakotay?' She hissed under her breath. 'It's not really the best feeling to be betrayed, is it?' She moved toward her desk - she had a report to write. One, she was sure, that all of Starfleet Command was waiting for.
Chakotay left her ready room even more perplexed that he'd been walking in. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the questioning look on Harry's face. "Tuvok is in need of medical attention he can only get on Vulcan. The Captain and Starfleet Command have given him leave to do so." He could almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the bridge crew.
If only he felt as relieved as they did. What the hell was she talking about? Marriage to Seven? They had only been on a couple of dates. How had she even heard about them?
Seven wouldn't have told Kathryn - it had been her request that he keep their relationship a secret. Uncomfortable with the Doctor knowing about her romantic attempts because of his avowed love for her, she didn't want input from the Captain, either. Since he was also uncomfortable about it (although he wasn't quite sure why), he had readily agreed. But still… marriage? Where had that come from?
And what the hell did she mean about our connection coming to an end? Did she mean she didn't even want to be friends after the debriefings? Had their friendship simply been something she created just to get through the tough times? He didn't - couldn't - believe that. But, then, what was she saying?
Over and over, the questions ran through his head. It was a good thing they were in the Alpha Quadrant, at all stop. Had he needed to do anything other than sit there, he would have been useless. He noticed that she wasn't downloading the damage reports, so he did his best to take them in and put them in order of priority. Even then, the job was half hearted and sloppily done.