The Hylian Civil War
A Tragecomedy With The Musical Stylings of The Hylians and Zorans
Cast of Characters (Grouped by Family)
Name
Link, King of the Zoras
Ruto, Queen of the Zoras
Rutania, Zoran Princess
Rutasha, Zoran Princess
Lutko, Zoran Prince
Zelda, Princess of Hyrule (Soon to be queen)
Zeleena (later, Leena), Princess of Hyrule
KING of Hylrule
Malon, Gay He-She
Midwife, Important Doctor/Nurse
Ms. Harren, Rutania's school teacher.
Prologue: Zora's Domain
NARRATOR: All was peaceful in the land of Hyrule. Ganon's immortality had been broken. A short while later, Link, the Hero of Time, stood before the altar at Hyrule Castle to be married to the Zoran Princess, Ruto...
(scene fades to the altar. LINK is standing before the King of Hyrule and his daughter, Zelda. RUTO is standing next to LINK. She is wearing a beautiful aqua-green gown and the jewel on her veil resembles the Zora's Sapphire. Her veil is made of a watery material so she could remain on dry land for this occasion.)
KING: Who gives this woman's hand in marriage?
ZELDA: I do.
KING: Let us proceed, then. Do you, Link, take Ruto to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
(Link looks awkwardly at Zelda)
ZELDA: (whispers) Don't look at me! Ganondorf's the one who made you fall in love with her!
KING: Zelda? Is there something wrong? (voice is cheery)
ZELDA: No, Father.
KING: Then why is Link looking at you like that? (twirling his hair into curls)
(Link continues to look at Zelda. He is completely lost in a trance.)
KING: Link?...Link?...
(Zelda sends out a bolt of energy towards Link)
ZELDA: LINK! Snap out of it! Do you want to marry Ruto or not?
LINK: OH! I do...I do!
KING: Good. And do you, Ruto, take Link to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
RUTO: Of course I do.
KING: Good, good. The rings, please.
(servant brings King the rings. Link's ring is a simple, silver band with the words, "I Will Always Love You" inscribed in Hylian on the inside. Ruto's ring is also a simple, silver band, except it has three sapphires separated by two smaller diamonds. The KING hands Link Ruto's ring, and hands Ruto Link's ring.)
KING: Link, take Ruto's ring and place it on the first knuckle. Good, now repeat after me as you slowly place the ring on her finger: "With this ring, I thee wed."
LINK: With this ring, I thee wed. (he then looks straight ahead at Ruto, but quickly looks away.)
KING: Very good. Now Ruto, you do the same.
RUTO: With this ring, I thee wed. (her eyes are facing Link's face the entire time.)
KING: By the powers vested within me by the Goddesses (crosses fingers across chest as if drawing the Triforce), Din, Nayru, and Farore, I now pronounce you man and wife. (to Link) You may kiss the bride.
(LINK pauses awkwardly, but after a brief moment, gives RUTO a quick kiss)
NARRATOR: A year quickly passed. Link managed to tolerate Ruto, and found out a lot more about her than he did when they were kids. He also knew that he would have to work hard to make their marriage last, especially with a new baby on the way...
(scene fades to Ruto's bedchamber)
RUTO: LINK!!! Come quickly!!! (winces in pain)
LINK: (out of breath) Ruto...what's the matter? (places hand on Ruto's belly, only to have the baby kick him.
RUTO: I think...the baby...is...coming...(again winces)
LINK: I'll go get the midwife. (rushes down the winding stairs to the midwife's room)
RUTO: HURRY!!! OWWW!!!
(Link knocks on the midwife's door)
MIDWIFE: Who is it?
LINK: His Majesty, Link, King of the Zoras.
MIDWIFE: Oh! Come on in, then.
(LINK enters the midwife's room.)
LINK: Ma'am, you have to help me. My wife just went into labor and--
MIDWIFE: No need to say any more. I'm going up there right now. (picks up a black bag and hurries up the winding stairs. Link follows after her, but the door to Ruto's bedchamber is closed in his face.)
LINK: What the--
MIDWIFE: (opens door a tiny bit and pokes her head out) You'll have to wait out here. I'll tell you when the baby arrives.
LINK: All right. (midwife closes the door)
What Will It Look Like?+
I always wanted to have a son
Who will play catch with me
And learn to swim and run.
He would have my hair
And his mother's eyes
And if he looks different
I would surely be surprised.
Maybe I will have a daughter
Unlike Zelda
On evil grounds she'll not falter
I wonder what the baby will look like
Well, I don't care
All that matters is that I will always love my child
My beautiful child...
No matter what...it...looks...like...
(Midwife pokes her head out the door again)
MIDWIFE: You can come in now. The baby's here.
(Link enters the room to see a very exhausted Ruto holding a tiny baby in her arms)
RUTO: Link...say hello to your beautiful daughter, Rutania.
(Link slowly walks toward Ruto. He lifts the veil covering the baby's face)
LINK: (sings) I will always love my child...My...beautiful...SWEET HYRULE!!!
(Link quickly puts the veil back over the baby.)
LINK: What in Ganondorf's name is this?!
RUTO: It's your daughter. Our daughter. I know she may not look right, but--What are you doing?! (begins to panic)
(Link grabs Rutania and runs out of Zora's Domain and mounts his horse, Epona. He rides off to Lon Lon Ranch)
I Can't Believe It's True+
I can't believe it
I surely can't believe it
I truly can't believe it's true
This baby girl of mine
Has her mother's eyes
And my ears
And some freckles on her cheeks
But one thing that startled me
One thing I wish I never knew
Her skin..her fair skin...
Like her mother's...
Is...BLUE...
Blue, like the sky
Blue, like the mood I'm in right now
I cannot bear to raise a child
With such abnormalities...
That's it! I've decided!
I will drive that harlot out!
She will live with a woman that I know
Who loves people oh...so...
Much...
(Link dismounts Epona and enters Lon Lon Ranch. He carries Rutania in his arms as he knocks on Malon's door.)
MALON: (opens door) Oh, hello, Link.
Link: Hey Mally, what's up?
Malon: I see you have brought Rutania (smiles)
Link: Uh, yes. Lift the veil and see how abnormal my daughter looks.
Malon: (lifts veil of Rutania, but quickly puts it back) What was that thing?
Link: The daughter of Ruto and I. You mustn't be horrified. (rocks Rutania)
Malon: I thought you had married Zelda. (looks puzzled)
Link: No, I . . . no, I would never dream of it. I love Zel-- I mean Ruto. (fakes a smile)
Malon: Well, don't expect me to mother this child. I only help.
Link: But, wait. Malon, you don't--
Malon: I don't care, Link. (slams the door and locks it)
Narrator: With a few touch-ups with white powder, Rutania could pass off as a normal baby. Now Link could go home to Ruto and not worry of what others think of their child.
(Link mounts Epona and rides back to his huge palace)
Link: (knocks on the door) I hope Ruto can forgive me.
(after a few knocks, Ruto finally answers the door)
Ruto: L-link, is that you? (rubs eyes) Rutania!
Link: (hands Ruto her baby) I must leave now.
Ruto: What do you mean, sweetheart?
Link: Ruto, you don't understand how I really feel.
Ruto: (puts Rutania in the rocker) Please, Link, tell me what's going on. I love you. (eyes twinkle)
Link: You aren't the (coughs, and pauses) You aren't the . . . mother of Rutania. (stares at Ruto, but then looks at his feet)
Ruto: I don't understand. Who is?
Link: Zelda is the mother. (pauses) But you must realize that I reluctantly married you.
Ruto: (looks angry) What?! I gave birth to this baby; it has to be mine.
Link: Yes, that would be true in most cases, but this is different. Ganondorf and Zelda are the parents, but a spell was put on you so that you gave birth to the baby.
(Ruto throws a lamp at Link, and grabs Rutania by the neck)
Link: What are you doing with Rutania?
Ruto: This isn't even Rutania. This is Zeleena!!
(Ruto throws Zeleena out the window after smacking her head against the stone wall. Ruto takes a steak knife and uses it to stab Link repeatedly, and finally he dies)
Ruto: That will teach you to mess with me...Zelda. (lifts off masks, revealing that LINK is really ZELDA.)
Narrator: Years flew by as Ruto awaited the return of her husband, Link. Even more, she couldn't bear being seperated so long from her dear Rutania. Meanwhile, the real Link was being held hostage by Malon.
(Malon holds knife by Link's throat)
Malon: What is so special about Ruto?
Link: She may not be able to be on dry land, but she is interesting.
Malon: Link, you know for a fact that I am the most beautiful woman in all of Hyrule.
Link: (confused) I thought you were a man.
Malon: What?! Anyway, that doesn't matter. What does is that Ruto doesn't deserve you.
Link: Of course she does. I have gotten to truly find pleasure in Ruto.
Malon: We both know you didn't want to marry her. I also know about your undying love for me. After all, what man wouldn't want to marry me? (waves in her own direction)
(Link begins to sweat, and not because of the knife by him)
Link: What are you implying?
Malon: (folds hands) I have waited forever for the day you and I would be married.
Link: Stop this now!
(Link is dragged into darkness by Malon. Scene ends at a nearby church. Malon magically ends up in a pearly gown with lavendar trimmings and a crown on flowers on the purple veil.)
KING: Who gives this woman's hand in marriage?
Malon: I give my own hand.
King: Oh, well who is the groom?
Link: (whispers) Uhm, I. . . am.
King: Link? I thought you were married to Ruto.
Link: I was, and we were sort of... things aren't really, er. I can't explain. (stares at Malon)
(Malon nudges Link in the stomach)
Malon: He means that the marriage isn't exactly working out between Link and Ruto. Link feels that he needs a more stable of a woman to have a life with.
King: Funny. I could've sworn for the longest time you were a man. (turns to Link) Doesn't she seem like a man to you?
Link: Yeah, I don't know why.
Malon: Why does everyone think I'm a man?
Link: I suppose you give off a manly scent. (shrugs)
Malon: Whatever you say. Let's just get this wedding over with.
King: Okay, okay. (Looks at the empty pews collecting dust, except for one seat with a person sleeping) Does anyone wish to object to this wedding? (flips through a playgirl and fashion magazine.) Did you guys know I'm gay?
Link: Uh, no. And that was oddly disturbing.
King: Oh, and Zelda is really a man in a wig, and we got married three to five years ago. (not meaning what he says, but the KING is tired and half out- of it)
(RUTO blasts through the large doors and runs up to the altar)
Ruto: Link! Don't do this! (panting)
Malon: How did you know about this wedding?
Ruto: I assumed that since Link took forever to return, you (glares at Malon) had to have done something to him.
Malon: (slips on a wedding band) It's too late, Ruto. Link and I are already married.
King: I missed the entire thing? Oh, well you may kiss the bride now.
(Link looks from Ruto to Malon, but runs into Ruto's arms. He gives his bride a kiss and is happy to see she is wearing her wedding gown.)
Malon: (clutching Rutania) You forgot I have your daughter right?
Ruto: Give us our baby, fiend.
Malon: Fine. But first I shall make it so Rutania is forever tormented because of her inhuman exterior.
(Malon vanishes in thin air)