Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters.
Summary: Sam is Dean's strength and weakness. A story about how Dean felt when Mary died, when Sam went to Stanford, when Sam died, and about going to Hell. Dean's POV. Not wincest.
Lyrics: And So It Goes by Billy Joel
And So It Goes
In every heart, there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
Even now, after all these years, I still remember the night mom died. Being woken in the dead of night to mom's and dad's screams, one laced with pain, the other filled with fear. Feeling the heat of the roaring fire as I ran to your room. Then dad flew out into the hall and handed you to me, telling me to take you outside as fast as I can. And I did without hesitation. I still remember that feeling as dad held us while the firefighters fought to extinguish our house. I had never knew such sadness existed as I realized that mom was gone forever. But then dad gave you back to me, and I just stared at you for the longest time. And after a while I smiled, feeling that, as long as I had you, I would always be alright no matter what happened.
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
The day you told me you had been accepted into Stanford was one of the most wonderful and depressing days of my life. I was so proud of you, and happy that maybe you could have a life other than that of a hunter. But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel abandoned. The day you actually left, I died a little inside. All I wanted was for you, me, and dad to be a family. But I knew we couldn't
keep you in this life forever. So I let you go.
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
Kneeling in the mud and rain, holding your lifeless body to my own, I think that was when I finally gave up. When mom was killed I was sad, but I could go on. When dad sold his soul I was heart broken, but I could live, because I knew I wasn't alone. But then you were ripped away from me, and I realized I had nothing else to live for. I just couldn't survive without you. I would do anything, pay any price to have you back. So I did.
And so it goes
And so it goes
I guess that demon was right. Like father, like son. I sold my soul, and she gave you back to me. Yes, I may only have one year to live, but I don't think I could last half a year without you by my side. At first, I never thought of the prospect of going to Hell. But now I only have about two months left, and it's finally beginning to hit me. I don't regret my actions. Not in the slightest. If I had to do it over, I'd make the same decision. I just wish I was stronger. Whenever Bobby or someone would bring the subject up, I'd put on this strong bravado mask and say, "Worried? Me? Of course not! I'm Dean Winchester, I can handle anything!" And they all believed me. For a while, I thought you did too. But I can't help but feel anxious as the clock ticks closer. My strong walls I tried to build back up after you were brought back are now completely destroyed. I feel so guilty for doing this to you. I just want to say I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. The truth is, I really need your help. Because I don't think I can handle this by myself.
And you're the only one who knows