Pairing: College!Brittana AU
Words: ~5K
Summary: This was inspired by a few different tumblr posts that have circulated over the years. I started it a few years ago and put it on the back burner because it took a turn I wasn't expecting and couldn't write it for a long time. If anyone has issues reading about depression, this story is not one for you, it's vaguely touched upon and at the end it gets a little deep. I don't want to give anything away though, for those that want to read it. I didn't want to say anything in the first place but I know that people can be sensitive to the topic, so be careful if you're easily ruffled by the topic. Otherwise I hope y'all enjoy. Depression effects many people and in all different types of ways, this is only one take on the complicated issue.
Santana hated mornings. So when she had to sign up for a 7am lecture because it was the only available timeslot left, she nearly cried. It was the second week and she already hated her fucking life. If she wanted to shower in the morning she literally had to wake up at 5:30am so that her hair could be done and she had already realized that picking an outfit out the night before made things a lot easier (though sometimes she forgot to and had to rush). Then she had to pack her bag and make it to the room on time. It was difficult especially when the line at the campus café was long, because if she chose to forgo her cup of joe before class, then she'd probably commit mass murder. But today went rather smoothly, except for the close call with almost losing hot water during her shower.
Santana made it to class a few minutes early and was able to take one of her favorite seats in the back by the window. She took out her notebook and pen, but ended up on her phone browsing social media sites while she waited (aka snapping an adorable selfie for Instagram and SnapChat, adding a caption about lame morning classes). Other students filed in and eventually the seat next to hers was occupied. She watched from the corner of her eye as a cup of coffee, surprisingly larger than hers, and container of Monster landed on the table. Next to be thrown down was a neon blue backpack, followed by a lithe body falling into the chair. Santana glanced over to get a better look and watched a blonde beauty pull her hair into a messy bun. The girl, Pierce she recalled after a moment of thinking, was wearing a pair of black sweats and a sweater that was falling off her shoulder.
As if feeling someone staring, the girl looked to her side and noticed Santana. Who in turn noticed the dark circles that had formed under the girl's blue eyes. The blonde offered a half smile, tugging the cap off her coffee and cracking open the energy drink. Santana watched as Pierce guzzled a bit of the Monster before pouring the rest into her coffee. The girl's blue eyes stared down into the swirling mixture and Santana grimaced, imagining how gross it would taste.
"I'm going to die," Santana heard the girl murmur before grabbing the cup and chugging it. The Latina watched in horror until the last drop was gone. Pierce made eye contact again and Santana tried to look unaffected, but she felt a touch nauseous from the sight. "Hi," the blonde spoke directly to the brunette, "You okay over there?"
"Am I okay?" Santana reciprocated. She paused before gesturing with both hands towards the girl's desk, "I'm not the one who just―" but stopped there, not sure how to finish that sentence.
"Oh," Pierce wiped her mouth and gave another half-smile. "Yeah, I've never tried that before but it seemed like a good idea. Hopefully the caffeine kicks in soon because I am so beat." The blonde sighed and leaned her torso onto her desk, stretching her arms forward and yawning, letting the lanky appendages sag off the edge as her head lowered to rest on her arm. Surprisingly enough, she had turned her head to keep looking at Santana through drooping eyes.
Santana watched the girl for a moment, totally amused, before snickering and saying, "Just don't suddenly have a heart attack or something okay?"
Pierce hummed, eyes fluttering open and shut as she mumbled, "Heart attacks are just from loving too much."
Santana cocked her head slightly, but couldn't help the small smile from tugging the corners of her mouth upwards. This blonde was adorable! How had she not noticed her in class before? Oh, well, that answer should be obvious, Santana had to focus extra hard on the teacher just to make sure she didn't fall asleep mid-lecture. That's why. She rubbed her coffee between her palms and eyed the now dozing blonde, obviously asleep because she was making tiny snores. Santana bit her lip and lowered her gaze to her notebook, after all it wasn't polite to stare at strangers. Even though this Pierce girl was unfathomably beautiful and Santana could see a plethora of freckles dotting her cheeks and nose. So maybe the bags under Pierce's eyes or the slight transparency to her skin due to lack of sleep was a little off putting, but surely that would go away once the girl started sleeping again.
The teacher arrived and yanked the door shut loudly, causing Pierce to jerk awake, can rattling as it hit the floor and coffee cup falling as well. A few eyes turned her way and she grunted out a quiet apology, grabbing them and setting them down beside her bag. Santana smiled to herself, watching the dazed girl force the zippers of her bag open, causing it to fall over and knock down the cups again. Hearing the exhausted sigh, she felt a pang of something and found herself reaching down and grabbing the two cups herself, then she flashed a crooked smile to the blue-eyed blonde before making quick work of walking them to the garbage near the front of the room.
When Santana returned, it seemed as though Pierce hadn't moved, instead had watched her. She sat and furrowed her brows at the girl in silent question, until Pierce spoke up quietly, "What if I had intended to save those?"
Santana balked. "Uh," she glanced around, feeling that panicky boob sweat forming as she couldn't come up with an answer. A soft laugh reached her ears and she turned back to face the blonde, who was now grinning from ear to ear and eyes much brighter than when she first sat.
"I'm just pulling your chain," she said through her grin, then looked down to grab her own notebook. After a bit of rustling quietly while the teacher talked about their plans for today's lesson, Brittany huffed and Santana peeked at her from the corner of her eye as the girl leaned towards her, asking in a whisper, "Got a spare pen?"
The Latina chuckled and tossed the girl the one in her hand, hearing a soft thank you, as she grabbed the spare from her bag. The Professor was doing roll call and Santana listened distractedly until she heard her name, to which she called out "Here" and then a few names later she perked up hearing "Pierce, Brittany." Brittany was the girl's first name! Yeah she'd totally known that. There was a long, silent pause and Santana had to glance to her right to check if the blonde had nodded off again. But she was sitting there with her eyes open and Santana confusedly looked to the front of the room at the Professor. A Professor who was staring right at the back of the room where Brittany was seated. He cleared his throat and called out another "Pierce, Brittany" and this time the blonde in question looked up, "Here, sorry." He made a little note on the list and continued. Brittany turned and noticed the Latina watching her, and offered a lopsided smile.
Partway through the lecture, Brittany had to step outside and Santana watched the way she effortlessly walked down the aisle. Well, at least there's something to look forward to in this class now, she thought to herself.
Two days later Santana squeezed into class barely on time and scanned the room for an open seat. The only one was in the back corner, furthest from the window. She scowled until noticing who was in the next desk over. Brittany. The brunette ducked her head and quickly walked to the back of the room, taking the empty desk and getting her notebook out. Like the other day, Brittany had draped herself over the desk, arms hanging off the edge and look entire too exhausted to be there. It was really fucking cute. So much so, that Santana sat there and admired her for a long moment.
"It's rude to stare," the blonde mumbled, nearly causing Santana to jump out of her seat.
She was quick to stutter out a, "S-Sorry!" But the way Brittany's lips curled upwards had Santana relaxing a bit. "How'd you even know?" Santana asked, seeing how those blue eyes had yet to open.
There was a soft laughter before Brittany said, "I actually didn't. I just could feel the breeze of you walking, then the chair squeaked because they're so old. And your perfume, it smells really nice." Finally Brittany's eyelids fluttered open, "So I knew you'd sat down. And when your stuff stopped ruffling around I just.. thought I might screw with you a bit."
Santana's face scrunched as she giggled to herself. "That's cute," she said offhandedly.
Brittany grinned at that, sitting up straight and stretching her arms above her head, commenting, "Not as cute as you."
Santana flashed a matching grin in the blonde's direction, more genuine than her flirtatiously crooked smiles. They both stared at the other for a little while before returning to their notebooks and the board.
So chugging a Monster and coffee the other day had left Brittany buzzing with energy and a hammering heart all day, so badly that she thought she might have a heart attack. But it had been the start of a great friendship between her and the fine looking Latina!
After much quiet banter being tossed back and forth during classes twice a week, the duo took to hanging out. Mostly it was just grabbing a quick coffee together after class and then separating again until lunch time, during which they would lounge in the quad and eat sandwiches, chatting about inane things like their professor's annoying arrogance or what papers were due soon.
Currently Brittany was laying on her back, staring up at the slow rolling clouds, murmuring about shapes in them that Santana absolutely did not see. But the brunette nodded along anyways between bites of an Italian hero and Brittany munched on a peanut butter and fluff sandwich of her own.
Their peaceful chatter was interrupted by the sound of a phone going off. Brittany rolled over and rifled through her bag to find the device. "Hello?" she sighed into the receiver. Santana turned away to give her some semblance of privacy. "Taking a lunch break, I can talk for a second." She nudged Santana's leg, mouthing "Sorry, my mom."
The Latina smiled in return, nodding in understanding.
Brittany smiled back and shuffled around until she could lay her head on the other girl's thigh, beaming up at her. "Mhm.." She closed her eyes and twirled a piece of hair around a finger. Santana could hear an older woman through the phone, asking how college is. "It's good.. Good. Sometimes I get the overwhelming urge to eat glass.. But it usually passes without incident."
Santana covered her mouth to stifle her laughter and Brittany peeked open an eye, flashing a crooked grin at her friend. "Mom, it was a joke. Things are fine," she said with a small laugh. "I'm actually having lunch with a friend, so can I call you back later?"
There was an exchange of goodbyes before Brittany hung up and tossed the device into her bag. Santana reached down and brushed some hair back from those blue eyes. "So, do you feel like eating glass?"
Brittany's grin was blinding as she tilted her head back and laughed heartily. It died down into peals of giggles and eventually she got out, "N-No, not right now.. Sometimes between lectures though. I have yet to go through with it though."
"Good, I'd rather you not eat glass. Sounds a little dangerous y'know." Santana chuckled softly and scratched her nails against Brittany's scalp, earning a lazy smile in return.
"Yeah sounds just a little dangerous," she teased, as her eyes fluttered shut.
Santana smiled softly down at the blonde, continuing to tickle her nails along her scalp and play with the slightly greasy blonde locks. "Britt, why are you always so tired?"
Brittany's serene expression shifted. Her eyes peeled open, focused on the brown orbs floating above as her lips settled into a thin line. Santana's expression was soft, curious even. Brittany saw no judgment there, and from their time spent together figured the Latina was asking because she cared. "I don't really sleep a lot," the blonde admitted.
Dark hair spilled over Santana's shoulder as her head tilted. "Why's that?" she prodded, voice quiet as her fingers brushed against Brittany's jawline.
The blonde sighed out a deep breath and reached up to take Santana's hand in her own, looking at the tan fingers as she played with them. "I'm at this college for a dancing degree, it's my passion. All forms of it from hip hop to classical dancing and everything in between. I want to be a dancer first and foremost."
"I didn't know that," Santana murmured, twisting her hand and holding Brittany's for a moment, giving it a squeeze. "I'd like to see you dance some time."
Brittany's laugh was hollow. "No, you don't. I'm doing horrible lately because my schedule is so crammed. Y'see I also commute to MIT a few times a week because in high school I scored off the charts on the SATs and they pulled me out of my second senior year to start at MIT. I'm some mathematical genius or something," she admitted that last part with a mumble.
"That's amazing!"
"It's exhausting," Brittany said on an exhale, finally meeting the other girl's eyes. Santana looked down into dim grey eyes and found herself frowning. "I have daily classes where I have to dance. Composition classes. Not to mention all the general education courses I still have to take. All the dance students know I'm at MIT too and they're not exactly nice about it. I get a little leeway with my grades in gen eds because I'm considered a genius but I can't get through them without a hassle. And then when I should be studying or eating a good meal I'm on a train for three hours going to MIT or a consult about whatever and they send me back with stuff to figure out and it's just completely and utterly exhausting."
Santana stayed quiet for a while, watching as Brittany's glazed eyes shut tightly, body trembling. She ran her fingers through the girl's hair and rubbed her thumbs gently over her eyebrows and cheek bones. "You're spreading yourself so thin," she murmured. Brittany laughed, another hollow sound, though this time a bit more watery. "Maybe it's time to cut back on something?" Santana didn't want to come barreling into Brittany's life and make her change, but this girl was obviously juggling too much.
"I can't," she mumbled, turning her body and pressing her face into Santana's stomach, tugging the hand she was still clutching up to cover her pounding heart. This time Santana didn't ask why. After a little while, Brittany spoke into the fabric of Santana's shirt.
"What was that?"
"I said," Brittany huffed, flopping onto her back again, "I don't want to be a disappointment."
Santana chewed her lip and gave a gentle tug to Brittany's hair. "You're going to run yourself into the ground at this rate."
"I know," she whispered, dull eyes focused on the sky. Santana stroked her cheek and connected the dots between freckles until it had Brittany laughing under her breath from tickles. Brittany's eyes slowly fluttered to a close. But they snapped wide open after feeling a pair of lips press a kiss to her forehead. She looked up to see Santana smiling down at her, cheeks burning. Brittany grinned, her own cheeks going pink.
It went on like this for a while.
Brittany and Santana would grab lunch after morning classes and hang out. But then Brittany would either be going to another class or heading off to MIT, while Santana went to her own classes. Santana was looking forward to when they could finally do something else but also too nervous to make a move on the girl because she didn't want to add anymore responsibilities to Brittany's plate.
Santana was tucked into the desk in her room, slowly copying notes over and praying that she was soaking information in as she did. She was debating finding a snack to munch on when her phone vibrated. Santana chewed her lip, eying the device and hesitating on checking it or not. She shook her head and lowered her eyes back to the notebook. But when the second vibration went off as a reminder, she grabbed the device and couldn't fight the smile seeing Brittany's name across the screen.
From: Brittany
cute date idea: let me sleep in your bed for hours on end because I'm tired of being a person
Santana bit her lip, hovering her thumbs over the keys before responding.
Outgoing Message:
Britt are you asking me out on a date?
From: Brittany
too lame of an idea?
Outgoing Message:
no it's great. I'm bored anyway. come over whenever
Santana was startled halfway out of her chair when seconds later there was a firm knocking on the door. She jumped up and crossed the room, cracking open the door slowly to see a bashful and exhausted looking Brittany standing there with a duffel bag over her shoulder.
"Sorry to spring this on you. I didn't bother stopping at my own room. Hope you don't mind?"
"Not at all," she ushered the other girl into the room, taking Brittany's bag from her gently as the blonde went right for the bed until she had face-planted.
Santana smiled fondly over at the other student, setting the duffel bag at the end of her bed. She glanced to her open laptop and books, hesitating for only a moment before saving the document and closing the device. After all it wouldn't be much of a date if she ignored the beauty who asked her out. She slid over to the bed and began getting Brittany's shoes off. "No way am I letting you get my bed all dirty, Pierce."
Brittany just groaned and wiggled her feet around. Santana laughed under her breath as Brittany managed to make the relatively easy task, incredibly difficult. She playfully swatted at the girl's calf after she was done and crawled onto the small bed with her.
With a tilt of her head, Brittany revealed her face to softly tell the other, "You don't have to stop working. I won't be good company, I'm about to pass out."
"It's alright, I don't mind keeping you company until you fall asleep on me," she teased. Brittany rolled her eyes, hiding a smile into the brunette's pillow. She inhaled deeply, enjoying the way Santana's familiar scent enveloped her senses. It was comforting and calming, a welcome feeling in her whirlwind world. Santana's soft voice drifted to her ears, "I didn't think I'd see you tonight." Gentle hands ran smoothly up Brittany's back.
Brittany hummed then was quiet for a long stretch of a moment. "Their plans changed," she eventually explained, "No need for my expertise this time… But I got the message while I was on the train already heading there.. So I got off at the next stop and caught a train right back." She sighed deeply and folded her arms under her head, turning to crack open an eye and look up at the other girl. "Figured we could spend some time together."
Santana smiled softly, "What a good idea."
Brittany grinned and scooted over against the wall, patting the now open space for Santana to join her. The Latina crossed the room to flip the lights off before lying next to Brittany. "Nap together?" she whispered.
The blonde nodded with a big smile. She hesitated a moment before opening her arms and looking sheepish. Santana laughed under her breath and rolled over so that her back was pressed against Brittany's chest. Finely sculpted arms wrapped gently around her waist and Santana could feel Brittany's breath hitting the exposed skin of her neck where her hair had been pulled away. She smiled slowly and wiggled against the girl to get comfortable, then grabbed her phone to set an alarm, because she did have work to do after all.
Santana could feel Brittany nuzzle into her hair and take a few deep breaths. But within moments she could hear (and feel against her neck) the way the other girls' breathing evened out and slowed. Santana let her own eyes fluttered closed and focused on the rhythmic pump of Brittany's heart she could feel beating against her back.
Brittany was knocked out cold. Even the screeching alarm couldn't wake her. But Santana was quick to extricate herself from the blonde's grasp and silence it. She checked over her shoulder, watching Brittany roll onto her stomach, grumbling and burying her face into the pillow where Santana had previously occupied. She smiled, stepped closer to tuck an errant strand of hair behind her ear and press a kiss to her cheek.
Santana let her sweetheart sleep and returned to her desk. Damn college papers didn't write themselves unfortunately.
Her focus shifted dramatically while listening to Brittany's soft snores. She opened a new google tab and started looking up solutions to a problem that wasn't hers. She wasn't sure if Brittany would be upset, technically she was sticking her nose into business that wasn't hers. But she cared deeply for the other girl after their time bonding together. She wasn't afraid to show the blonde how she felt, and she wasn't used to having her heart on her sleeve like that. They hadn't made efforts to officially become an item but without words it had been concluded that they weren't interested in looking for other people. Santana loved the sense of freedom being around Britt gave her. And she just wanted to allow the girl the same thing, even though it meant invading her life and sticking her nose where it might not be welcome.
Santana's eyes were burning by the time she closed her laptop again. She made quick work of replacing her dry contacts with her glasses. Which she probably should have been wearing anyways because they had that anti blue-light and anti-glare protective coating on them. She rubbed her temples before setting the frame on her nose, cursing her mild headache from over thinking and straining her eyes on the computer.
She crawled into bed and curled up against Brittany, who sleepily turned and pulled the smaller girl into her chest. Her lips were pressed against Santana's shoulder as she mumbled.
"What's that, Britt?" Santana asked, sliding her fingers through Brittany's hair.
With a turn of her head, she spoke more clearly. "Why'd you leave me?"
"I had to try to get some work done," she murmured, nuzzling an ear.
Brittany scoffed, thinking about her own pile of work.
"Do you need help with any of your assignments?"
Brittany groaned, "Only if you can figure out a way to cut time by teleportation."
"You're the genius," Santana giggled, squeezing Britt's waist.
"True! Too bad I can't take on another project right now."
Santana bit her lip, humming thoughtfully. "What if you didn't need to teleport to have more time on your hands?"
Another scoff, "I wish."
"Britt," her tone was so soft that the blonde shifted enough to look into her eyes. Santana swallowed thickly before clearing her throat. "I was doing a little research.." Brittany's eyebrows pinched together in confused curiosity. "I didn't solve teleportation, but I might have another solution to your transportation issue.." Brittany's expression didn't waver much and it was making nerves tingle in Santana's fingertips. She barreled on without being told to explain. "Most of your time is wasted on the train right? Well, what if you didn't have to travel to MIT at all? It's not fair for them to always expect you to come running whenever they need you. I've seen some of the stuff you work on, and half of it could be faxed over here, 3D representations instead of life models, skype video calls or conference calls. Babe you've gotta figure out ways to cut the travelling, tell them you can't be making these trips all the time, it's effecting everything from your schoolwork to your health. You've lost weight again," her voice quivered with emotion at the end.
Brittany's eyes sparkled with tears and the muscle in her jaw twitched from grinding her molars. Santana immediately reached up, smoothing her thumb along her jawline. Brittany closed her eyes, leaning into the touch as tears escaped.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to−" Santana whispered, her voice cracking.
"Don't," Brittany cut her off, and Santana snapped her mouth shut. Blue eyes fluttered open and zeroed in on the way a plush bottom lip trembled, tears threatening to fall from the prettiest brown eyes she's seen. "Don't cry," Brittany whispered, cupping Santana's cheeks, "And don't apologize." She swallowed past the thickness in her throat, but her words still came out tight as she struggled with the emotions overwhelming her. "No one has ever tried so hard to help me."
A tiny smile pulled at Santana's lips as she covered the hands holding her cheeks. "I care about you so much."
"You're the absolute best, Santana."
"You're not mad?" she asked, voice small as she shrunk back into the pillow.
"Absolutely not," Brittany leaned in, pressing her trembling lips against Santana's. The kiss was as tentative as it was salty, from their tears and bubbling emotions. Brittany broke away after a moment to whisper, "You might just have me falling for you."
Santana let out a breathless laugh, throwing her arms around Brittany and rolling the girl on top of her for a tight hug. "Don't worry, I'll catch you."
"You sure?" Brittany whispered, fitting herself comfortably between Santana's legs and curling their bodies together. Her legs trembled where they were pressed against Santana's ear, "I can't guarantee an easy journey."
"I've made it this far, haven't I?" she teased, stroking her fingers through Brittany's hair.
"I mean it, Santana," she closed her eyes, pressing her forehead against a tan shoulder. "I'm not always the easiest to deal with. You're great and I really enjoy being around you, but you know you can't cure me with kisses and kind words right?"
Santana squeezed her into another tight hug. "I'm under no delusions Brittany." She pressed her cheek against the side of her head. "I just want to be by your side along the journey. I know it won't be sunshine and rainbows."
Hot tears dropped against Santana's skin. "I'm not used to having these feelings Santana," she sobbed. "They're terrifying and I won't always know how to handle it. You turned everything upside down."
"I'd apologize, but you told me not to," she whispered, letting her fingers stroke through blonde locks again.
"I-I've been considering it y'know. Talking to my parents, telling them about this depression. Maybe even going to a therapist. But I don't have the time, and I'd have to cut something out of my schedule for sure and talking to strangers about this stuff seems weird. And I don't want to disappoint anyone. Especially not my parents."
"I've never met them, Britt, but from what you've said they've always been supportive of your choices. I don't think they'd see it as a disappointment. They might be sad, because you didn't tell them sooner, but I think they'd just want to help you get through this."
"It won't just go away."
"I know."
"It'll always be there."
"Have you thought about, uhm, going on medication?"
Brittany hesitated. "I don't want to be a zombie," she whispered.
Santana kissed her temple, "There's all kinds of different medications. You might have to try a few before one really works for you. Everyone's different in that regard."
"I don't know," she nuzzled Santana's neck, taking a deep breath and exhaling deeply. "We're getting ahead of ourselves. Maybe I should just try your idea first. Consult with MIT long distance. It'll be less of a strain for sure. One step at a time right?"
"Whatever you wanna do, Britt. I never want you to think I'm telling you how to live your life."
"I don't think that at all." She pushed up onto her elbows, staring down at her closest confidant.
"Okay good," Santana smiled softly, reaching up to stroke Brittany's cheeks. The redness of her cheeks, and puffy eyes made Santana want to curl around the girl and hold her all night. She noticed Brittany staring at her intensely. "What're you thinking about?" she whispered.
"Just wondering how I managed to land such an amazing gal pal." Her lips quirked into a smirk.
Santana snorted. "Definitely had something to do with that crazy idea of mixing coffee and Monster."
"Don't forget the two and a half shots of espresso they threw in there."
"Two and a half?"
Brittany shrugged, "The machine broke."
Santana smiled fondly, her cheeks dimpling as the smile grew. She stroked Brittany's cheeks and gave a gentle tug, "C'mere."
Brittany leaned down and gently locked their lips together. Much like their other few kisses it was gentle and tentative, laced with emotions too deep to be spoken of.
Okay. So I'm pretty sure this story is kind of awful. And I do apologize if its contents have offended anyone. But like I said up top, this is only one take on a very complicated issue. Otherwise, I do hope it was somewhat enjoyable and that at least a few other people can relate to Brittany's character here and feel comforted that they're not alone in their struggle. Life isn't picture perfect, and I'm learning to reflect that in my stories now more than ever. I've been meaning to finish this one for years as I've admitted to myself (and friends, and family) my own struggle with depression. This story is important to me and I hope it can help someone else a little.