This Is Their Story: Part 1
"We can hardly stand the wait, please Christmas don't be late!"
The Chipmunks' Christmas song blared through the breakroom as the SVU squad sat around the table sipping red wine and munching on Christmas cookies.
"Rollins, why are you making us listen to this corny music?" asked Carisi, shaking his head.
"Because it wouldn't be Christmas without the chipmunks!" she said. "This song is a classic!"
Fin rolled his eyes. "I can't decide if this is the lamest Christmas party I have ever been to, or the best."
"How so?" asked Carisi.
"Sitting around listening to Rollins's crappy playlist and drinking cheap wine with you three isn't exactly the hottest ticket going. Then again… there aren't that many more people I would want to be around."
Benson sighed as Rollins through a rolled-up napkin at her partner. "It would be nice if some of the old faces were here. But then again, this is kind of nice itself; just us. What is everyone's plan for once we're out of here?"
"Christmas Eve tonight at my mom's house," said Carisi. "Rollins and Jessie are coming. My mom flipped out when she heard they were going to be alone."
"I'm spending it with my son and his family. Looking forward to that; it's been awhile. What about you, Liv?" asked Fin.
"Hot date," she said, winking. "Noah and I are having his favorite Christmas dinner – pizza delivered to our door. But in my defense, we are going to bake cookies for Santa."
"I think that sounds nice," said Rollins, smiling and resting her hand on Liv's shoulder. She could relate, having spent several holidays of her own just her and Jessie.
"On that note, we really should get going. Mama Carisi will never forgive me if I'm not there in time to carve the bird, and we still have to pick up Princess J."
"All right, let's go. Merry Christmas you guys!" As they left in a hurry, Fin and Olivia split the remainder of the wine.
"Those two make me a little nervous," said Fin. "Love'em both, and I'm glad they have each other and everything. But I don't think you need to be part of an elite detective squad to pick up on the fact that their feelings for each other go a little deeper than friendship."
"I think they're the only two who are oblivious to it," said Olivia, nodding in agreement.
"And I'd be all for it. I love Amanda like a daughter, and Carisi is one of the few guys I can honestly say would be good enough for her. But it could get tricky. If they're a couple, it could make things really complicated here."
"Everything we do is complicated," said Olivia, polishing off the rest of her wine and putting on her coat. "But point taken. Let's just keep an eye on things for now. I don't want to embarrass them, especially if nothing's going on. And on that note, I have to head home to Noah. I hope you have a blast with Ken and Alejandro."
"Thanks, and you take care of yourself this weekend. Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas, Fin."
Back at her apartment, Olivia settled into some cozy sweatpants and, at Noah's insistence, changed him into his Christmas pajamas. Olivia ordered the pizza and then turned to Noah.
"Pizza is on the way. What do you say we start getting the kitchen ready to bake our cookies?"
"Yayyyy!" said Noah, charging into the kitchen. Olivia laughed and started to follow him when she heard her phone vibrating.
"Please, not tonight," she murmured as she fumbled around the coffee table for it. All she wanted was one quiet, peaceful Christmas night.
"Benson," she said when she had found it, hoping her tone conveyed her exasperation at being interrupted.
"Liv, it's me."
"Oh!" She smiled. "Merry Christmas, Raf! Sorry for my tone but I was really afraid this was a work call." Then she paused. "It's not, is it?"
"No, no, not at all. I'm sorry, I must be interrupting you."
"Nah, we're just about to start baking Christmas cookies. Hey, we missed you at the SVU Christmas party today."
"I was sorry to miss it, too. Things have been pretty hectic here, but I'm finally getting out."
"Are you going to your mom's for Christmas?" Olivia asked. She was getting concerned about the state of the kitchen, hearing Noah's clattering and thumping in the background.
"That was the plan, but she is stuck in Florida. Her flight was canceled so she's just going to reschedule and spend Christmas with my aunt down there. No big deal though, I can catch up on some work."
Olivia sighed. "Rafa, don't be an idiot. If you don't have any plans, come spend Christmas Eve with us. Noah requested pizza, but we will have homemade Christmas cookies. And once Noah goes to bed, I have it on good authority that there's a bottle of scotch under the tree with your name on it."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, I was going to give it to you at the party but…"
"No, I mean you seriously don't mind if I crash your Christmas celebration with Noah?" He sounded hesitant and Olivia wondered if she had said something wrong.
"Of course not, as long as you don't mind getting a little messy. I just peeked in the kitchen and Noah has disappeared into a cloud of flour."
Rafael laughed. "I think I can handle it. Okay, I'll see you in half an hour or so. Thanks Liv, really."
When Olivia hung up she joined Noah in the kitchen. Noah was fiddling around with a Christmas playlist on her tablet, and put on the Chipmunks Christmas song. As the notes filled the room, she looked down at him. "Noah, did Aunt Amanda teach you this song?"
"She loves this song, Mommy. It's the Chipmunks."
"I'm going to have to talk to her when I get back to work," said Olivia with a laugh. As she took the ingredients down from the shelves that were out of his reach, she asked him, "Honey, how would you like it if Uncle Rafa came over and helped us make Christmas cookies?"
"Yes! I want him to come. Actually, I made him a present at school."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "You did? What did you make him?"
"Well I can't tell you," he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I want it to be a surprise."
About twenty minutes later, as the first batch of cookies was going into the oven, the doorbell rang. "That's either Uncle Rafa or the pizza," said Olivia. "Why don't you put out some plates and I'll go check."
Olivia opened the door and Barba was there holding the pizza, smiling. "The pizza guy and I arrived at the same time, so I paid him for you."
"You didn't have to do that," she said, opening the door wider so he could come in.
"And you didn't have to invite me to your family dinner. It's the least I could do."
"Noah, I was right. It was Uncle Rafa and the pizza!" called Olivia, as they entered the dining area. Noah came over and fist-bumped him. Barba looked at Olivia, confused. "That's his thing now," she said with a shrug.
"Merry Christmas buddy! I'm so glad to be able to spend Christmas Eve with you. And I heard there might be cookies. Can I have some, or are they all for Santa?"
"You can have some," Noah said, seriously. "But first we have to eat dinner."
"Of course. Dinner before treats," said Barba in an equally serious voice. Olivia smiled, taking his coat and hanging it in the coat closet.
Dinner was festive, despite the lack of traditional holiday trimmings. Olivia and Rafael took turns switching out batches of cookies as each one was finished, and when they were all done they moved into the living room. Noah played with his toy police car while Olivia and Rafael settled into the couch with cookies and decaf. They chatted about how crazy the past year had been until they realized that Noah had gone quiet. When they turned they realized he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching them.
"Noah, is everything okay?" asked Olivia, setting down her coffee mug.
"Yes," he said, "But I need to ask you a question."
"Of course, go right ahead," said Olivia. She glanced at Rafael, feeling a little concerned.
Noah glanced back and forth between them. "Are you two gonna get married?"
Next to her, Olivia heard Rafael choke on his coffee. She felt her own face turning red. "What? Oh gosh, Noah, what would make you ask that?"
"Well, remember when I slept over my friend Michael's house that time? That's what his parents do at night, after dinner. They drink coffee together and laugh. I thought that's what moms and dads do together. You know, married people."
Olivia turned to Rafael in astonishment, but his face was buried in his hands. Getting no help there, she turned back to Noah. "Sweetie, lots of people have coffee and laugh. Aunt Amanda and I have coffee and laugh every day at work, and we're not getting married."
Noah rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Forget it." He looked irritated, and Olivia wasn't sure what to say. "Don't be mad."
"Oh sweetie, I'm not mad at all. You can ask me anything you want."
Rafael stood up quickly and seemed to want to change the subject. "At my house it was a tradition that I could open one present on Christmas Eve, after we went to Midnight Mass. So, if your mom doesn't mind, I have one now you can open."
"Thanks Uncle Rafa!" said Noah, as Rafael pulled out a brightly wrapped package. Noah tore into it and removed a little tablet.
"This is a special tablet," said Rafael, crouching down next to him. "It's not like Mommy's where you can go on websites and send emails. This one only has games, and the games are to help you learn Spanish! Then you and I can have secret conversations and your mom won't know what we're saying."
"You know Raf, I do speak Spanish," said Olivia, shaking her head.
"Ehhhh, I've heard you speak it. I'd say that's debatable."
She punched him lightly on the arm. Noah was tearing at the corner of the box. "Thank you, thank you!" He said. Rafael shook his head.
"I think you mean, gracias." Noah nodded in agreement.
"Yes, gracias. I can't wait to have a secret language! Oh, I forgot, I made something for you." He trotted into his room and came out with a sheet of construction paper. He handed it to Rafael, who seemed confused. Olivia leaned over his shoulder.
The drawing featured a cluster of stick figures with looks of wide-eyed shock on their face. Someone that looked like a childish drawing of a vampire hovered over them, his stick-arms raised menacingly. The vampire and the crowd were separated by what looked by a table. In the corner of the drawing was a wreath.
"Noah, this is great. Can you… can you tell me about it?" asked Rafael.
"Mommy told me that people are scared of you in court. So, you're the vampire and those are the people in court who are scared of you. Only the teacher said it had to be a Christmas picture, so I drew a wreath."
Olivia and Rafael burst out laughing and he knelt and gave Noah a big hug. "It's the best picture of me I've ever seen. This is going up in my office for sure, as soon as I get back."
Noah looked extremely proud of his handiwork. Olivia wiped her eyes and composed herself. "Okay Noah, if Santa is ever going to come you're going to need to get to bed. Say goodnight to Uncle Raf and brush your teeth and I'll come in to tuck you in."
When Noah was safely in bed, Olivia grabbed the gift bag from under the tree. "Feliz Navidad," she said, presenting him with the bottle of scotch.
"My favorite," he said, smiling. "Shall we break it open?"
"Mmm, let's stick with wine. Scotch will knock me out and I have, shall we say, a full morning tomorrow."
"Fair enough," said Rafael, popping the bottle of Pinot Noir they had opened during dinner and refilling two glasses. "You know, I don't say this enough, but you have done an amazing job with Noah. He's smart, he's adorable, and most importantly he is a good kid. You're a great mom."
"Well it takes a village, and I have a great one," said Liv, clinking his glass. He smiled and leaned back on the couch. They're eyes met for a beat longer than usual, but Rafael broke it and reached for the remote.
"What do you say we look for a Christmas movie on TV?" he asked. "It wouldn't be Christmas without a black and white movie."
"Oh, Miracle on 34th Street is on!" said Olivia. "That was one of my favorites as a kid."
"Me too," said Rafael, as he switched to it and set down the remote. "Believe it or not, it was the first movie I saw that made me want to be a lawyer."
"You wanted to be like Mr. Gailey? Rescuing Santa Claus and single moms alike?" she teased.
"No, I wanted to be the prosecutor. That man was clearly unfit to be out in society. He assaulted a doctor with his cane! Plus, I always loved the line toward the end. 'Your Honor, the State of New York concedes the existence of Santa Claus.'"
"You would never have conceded," said Olivia.
"Hell no. That guy folded like a house of cards. I would have had Kris Kringle convicted of the Kennedy assassination before that trial was over."
"Well that's a fresh take on a classic!" said Olivia, with a laugh.
The two of them settled into the movie and silently sipped wine as it proceeded. Olivia felt a strange feeling, one she hadn't felt in a long time. It reminded her of some of the long nights at the precinct that she used to spend with Elliot: a familiarity, an intimacy, but different somehow. With Elliot, as close as they had been, there was an unspoken but very real distance born of necessity – he was a married man. He had a wife and children. It didn't matter how close they were. And they had been close. She would willingly have taken a bullet for him. Someone else would always come first. She hadn't begrudged him that, but it was an undeniable fact.
She didn't feel that barrier with Rafael. She had been wary at first, but for a different reason. He had a wall around him, an image that he had constructed of the fearless courtroom dramatist. Most people didn't even attempt to get by that image; after all, it was all they really required of him. When he finally opened up to her as a friend, she felt that she had won some intangible victory. With Elliot, all his emotions were out there on the table; he could hardly keep his feelings contained. Rafael never revealed his emotional side in public. The courtroom was for theatrics. The real Rafael Barba, the caring friend, the willing listener, the calm voice of reason… that was a reserved for a select few and it made her feel strangely honored that she was among them.
The warm apartment, the smooth wine, the smell of pine needles and Christmas cookies, and the familiar strains of the movie coming from the television put Olivia in a trance-like state of relaxation, and before she knew what was happening she was falling asleep.
Some time later, Olivia lifted her head. The television was still on, but it was tuned to a cable news channel and muted. She rubbed her eyes, confused. The room was dark except for the flickering of the news program. Why was she asleep in the living room?
"Hey, you're up," said Barba. She jerked her head up and realized she was asleep essentially on top of him. He was sitting up, reading a copy of the New Yorker and she was laying down with her head on his chest and her feet slung over the side of the couch.
"Oh my God," she said, sitting up. "I'm so sorry. Why didn't you move me?"
He smiled. "You looked so comfortable, I couldn't bring myself to move you."
She glanced down. "I drooled on you."
"Yeah. That was… interesting. You were really out cold."
"Oh my Lord, I am so mortified," she said lowering her head to her knees and covering her face with her hands.
"Olivia, stop it," he said, taking her hand and pulling her up. "Do you realize how much you do? You oversee one of the most high-stress, high-profile units in the entire New York City Police Department. You are a tireless advocate for victims. You investigate the darkest corners of our society day in and day out. And you do this all while raising a son as a single mom. You're amazing. It's okay if you fall asleep on me. It's not like this is cashmere. This is the shirt I don't mind if I get flour on."
Olivia laughed out loud, and was momentarily distracted from the fact that Rafael was still holding her hand. They both realized at the same time that their hands remained laced together, and they glanced at each other but neither pulled away. His hand was soft, Olivia realized. And she had never really looked at his fingernails before. They were jagged; he must be a nail-biter. How had she never noticed that? And why were these inane thoughts going through her mind? And why was she still holding his hand?
She looked up at him again, trying to think of a wisecrack to break the tension of the moment. But before she could say anything, Rafael leaned over, rested his free hand on the side of her face, and kissed her.
Olivia's mind was racing. Her first thought was how good it felt to be kissing someone. She had not kissed a man since she had ended things with Tucker. Rafael's lips were gentle yet insistent, and before she knew it she was running her hand through his soft, brown hair and her other hand was gliding along his upper arm. For several minutes they continued in this way until another thought hit her like a thunderclap. This was ADA Rafael Barba. She was sitting on her couch making out with the ADA assigned to her unit. A walking, breathing conflict of interest. But God, he was a sexy conflict of interest.
She forced herself to stop kissing him and broke away, breathing shakily. He was breathing audibly, too. In fact, their breathing was the only sound in the apartment. It felt like the only sound anywhere. With the muted television, Noah fast asleep, and the soft blanket of quiet that settled on New York City on the night before Christmas, they might as well have been alone in the world.
"Raf…" she began. But not knowing how to continue, she simply stopped. Their hands were linked again.
"I'm, I… I'm so sorry, Liv," said Rafael, his eyes locked on hers. She had known how intense his eyes were; she had seen them sparkling with passion during particularly impassioned closing statements or cross-examinations. But it had never occurred to her that they could look at her that way. Or had they been looking at her that way all along and she had just been too blind to see it?"
"No," she said, shaking her head. "Don't be sorry. It takes two to tango and I wasn't… That is, I didn't tell you…"
He nodded. "Yes, but I should have known better than to initiate anything. I'm really sorry."
"Don't be," she said. After a moment of silence, she laughed lightly and shook her head. "Jesus, you're a good kisser. Where the hell did that come from?"
"Practice," he said, smiling mischievously. Then he glanced at the time emanating from the digital clock on the end table. "Listen, I should probably get going. I don't think Santa is going to come with me hanging around. It's late."
"Yeah, I guess so," said Olivia, still feeling slightly dazed.
Several silent moments went by, and Rafael tilted his head downward. "You're still holding my hands."
Olivia dropped them as if they were on fire, and they both broke out into nervous laughter.
Rafael stood up and collected his coat, the gift bag, and Noah's drawing. Olivia walked with him to the door. At the threshold she grabbed his arm.
"So, what do we do? Did it happen? Did it not happen? Do we just pretend…"
He smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "Liv, it's Christmas. Get some sleep. We both need to… cool off a little."
"Yeah, I guess we do," she said. "Well, good night Raf."
"Good night, Liv. Merry Christmas. We'll talk soon." He started down the hall and Olivia closed and locked the door. Then she leaned against it and slid to the floor.
"Fuck," she said out loud. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Olivia wasn't much for swearing, but it was the only word that seemed to adequately capture her feelings at the moment. She made a dive for the bottle of Pinot Noir but there was not a drop left. The only alcohol remaining in the house was a bottle of Peach Schnapps left over from a cocktail party four years ago, and she wasn't feeling quite that desperate. She reached for her phone; she wanted to call someone, scream in someone's ear that she had just made out with Rafael Barba but there was no one to call. When she needed to vent about something, she called him! "I need a female friend," she said out loud. She had Amanda, but confiding in her was out of the question. At least, it was out of the question for the moment. Frustrated she slammed her phone down on the cushion next to her. It was still warm from Rafael's presence. She could still smell his cologne hovering in the air next to her, taste the wine on his breath as they kissed. In fact, his absence felt loud and pervasive after the intensity of their kiss. It was a few minutes before Olivia realized she was pacing. With what? Anxiety? Nerves? Sexual frustration?
"Fuck," she said again, whispering this time in case Noah could hear her. Then she shoved one last snowman cookie in her mouth and then took a deep breath and started to dig Christmas presents out of the linen closet. She wasn't going to get anything settled tonight. Maybe things would be clearer in the light of day.
In the meanwhile, there was a little boy expecting Santa to come, and he couldn't be disappointed!