Chapter 1
"Get you lazy ass out of the house!" My mother shouted at me and I got dressed
I walked over to my dresser and pull out an outfit to wear today instead of my cheerios uniform and I can see my mother still standing in the archway of my door staring coldly at me as she took a swig of her vodka. I ignore her and I remove my shirt so I can change. I turn towards my bed that faced opposite of the door and I feel a sudden burst of pain as glass shatters against my back.
"What the hell?" I turn toward her as she walked up to me with a drunken look on her face
"You dare raise you voice at me you slut . . . you are in my home and you treat me with respect you hear?" She spat at me as she sloppily grabbed my face and turned it so I was looking at her and I could smell the obnoxious amount of alcohol forming from her breath and it reeks.
"You're the one that cheated on dad not me . . . so I'm not the slut" I say in a low voice so she doesn't hear, but she does and I can tell by the anger and hurt in her eyes but the hurt leaves and she just has anger.
She opens her mouth to say something but she closes it before turning on her bare heel and walking out of the room slamming the door on her way out and I roll my eyes before walking to the full-length mirror that stood by the door and I turn away from it and look over my shoulder at my back inspecting the cuts and piece of glass that was sticking out of my back. I wrap my hands gently around it and try to rip it out like a band aide but it hurts like hell and I try not to scream as the last piece of glass is pulled from my back and dropped onto the edge of the small table that stood beside the dresser.
The door swings open revealing my Uncle-who was having an affair with my mother- holding a belt and his own bottle of whiskey as he angrily marched up to me. I turn just in time to see the belt lash at me and strike my chest. It's hard to breathe right as he delivers another lash on my right leg and another two on my stomach. I try to block the lashes with my arm but I can't, he throws me hard against the wall and my head hurts like crazy. I can taste the blood in my mouth and my vision is getting blurry. He drags me to the ground by my hair and it feels like I'm going to explode and here and now I just want to die.
"Stop! Please . . . Uncle, stop I'm sorry!" I scream out as he straddles my waist completely forgetting about the belt and starts using his fists. His hands are big and they leave terrible bruises on me every hit he takes, he aims at my stomach with his right hand using his left to pin my small arms down and I cry as I beg for him to stop but he doesn't. He keeps beating me until he gets tired and I'm almost passed out by the time he lets up and gets ready to walk out of the room.
Before he leaves he grabs my face just like my mother did before saying, "Never . . . ever, disrespect your mother again like that . . . do you understand me bitch?" I nod, "Good now clean yourself up you look like a fucking hoe". With that he left and I just lay there crying for a good ten minutes before I do what he says.
When I get to school it's already third period and lunch time, I usually don't eat because I don't have any money to pay for the lunch but instead I sit in the janitor's closet curled up in a ball or on the rooftop sleeping or trying to sleep in my case. I walk slowly to my locker, my hands moving from being jammed into my sweats pockets or tugging down the ends of my sweatshirt that was too big for me.
"Hey . . . hey dyke-a-tron!" Someone shouted at me as I walked by but I keep my head down and keep walking slowly until I'm cornered by four boys I recognized one, Jessie St. James, then there was Jake Puckerman, and two others that I didn't know of, "Hey didn't you hear me talking to you bitch?". The someone was Jessie.
"Maybe she doesn't speak English . . . maybe she speaks lebaniese!" One of the random boys joked causing the others to laugh too and I see some of the glee kids watching from a far as I pick my head up before lowering it back down at my feet.
"Good one" I say before trying to walk away but Jake stands between me and me not getting beat up as he grabs me and pushes me towards the other random boy.
"Ew gross, I don't want her . . . she's got Lesbian-itis" He says before pushing me to the next boy and they keep pushing me around until Jessie moves out of the way and sticks out his foot causing me to fall over and they laugh.
"You know girls here don't have a thing for clumsy lesbians . . . in fact nobody does. You're just going to die alone knowing that everyone hated your guts because you're a freak. Why don't you just go and kill yourself" Jessie spat before stomping on my lungs causing my to groan and clutch my chest before curling up into a ball as they leave laughing at what they had done
The bell rings and everyone leaves, even the glee kids who were watching the whole thing and did nothing, Finn and Rachel being two of them. I stay in a ball and I can't breathe he broke my lungs, I know he broke them or shattered them or bruised them or something because my breathing feels funny and I can't sit up straight without hurting myself.
"Santana?" I look to where the voice came from and I see Mr. Shue bending down beside my with a concern look plastered all over his chiseled face. I open my mouth to say something but pain replaces my words and I just groan and hold my chest some more, "Santana what happened to you?"
I can't talk and the next thing I see is black nothingness.
It's been two weeks since that happened and everything has gotten worse, Jessie got suspended but now he's back and so is Jake. Jake joined the glee club and Jessie is still beating me up every damn chance he gets. I'm tired of it and I knew what I had to do as I sat in the back corner of the glee club choir room planning out every second of the end of my life. I had a loaded gun in my backpack that sat against my ankle, and I planned to kill myself after this during free period.
I watched as Brittney and Artie sat in front of me whispering and laughing at one another while Rachel and Finn were singing some song that I wasn't paying much attention to and Quinn and Puck were in the corner practically making out, Mercedes and Sam sat with each other and Tina and Mike sat with each other. I had nobody, I was a complete wreck and it's all Finn's fault for completely outing me. That commercial that's been airing about me begin a lesbian has torn my family apart.
My papa left because he said I was such a disgrace to the family and because my mother cheated on him and my mother has taken up a drinking and drug addiction. She began to beat me along with my Uncle-who raped and beat me-who she cheated on my father with and my abuela never wants to see me again. My older brother doesn't want anything to do with me unless he's pushing me down the stairs or helping my mother beat me up.
"Santana . . . Santana are you alright?" Mr. Shue asked from the front of the class causing everyone to look back at me and I inwardly groan at causing attention to be drawn my way, "You seem a little out of it . . . would you like to go to the nurse?"
"Uh . . . yeah I think I should, I'm just not feeling the whole singing dancing bit today . . . Bye guys" I say quietly and I'm pretty sure only Mr. Shue was listening because everyone else is so wrapped up in their own damn world that they can't even see that one of their own is about to commit suicide.
As I get out of the choir room I look around before walking down the hallway, I hold my bag up by its handle as I reach with my other hand to slowly unzip it and get the gun. I pull it out and run my fingers over it again and again.
"Santana . . . Santana what the hell are you doing?" It was Emma, Shuester's girl, she must have been making her rounds around the school and now she was racing towards me
"Stay away from me . . . I-I don't want to hurt anyone . . . please just leave me alone" I plead as I raise the gun to my head a tear rolling down my face
Emma stops with her hand held up showing she means no harm, "Santana please you don't want to do this . . . you're so young and you have so much to live for"
"So much to live for . . . I was bullied every day of my life. I was bullied from my family, and from students, and from the glee kids that were supposed to be there for one another. Every day I was dying inside and nobody noticed, because nobody cares . . . Mrs. Pillsbury I've already died"
"Please Santana look we can get through this, we can help each other" She stepped towards me and I quickly reposition the gun to face her, "Santana you don't want to hurt me"
"You don't know what I want . . . all the things people have done to me . . . I want revenge and you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time"
"Sandbags . . . what the Hell?" Sue calls out from behind me and I move the gun to my head again my eyes probably as wide and deranged as ever, "Whoa calm down now Sandbags you don't got to go shooting yourself, especially all over my new tracksuit"
"See . . . she's just one more person to add to the lists of reasons on why I'm doing this" I shout my eyes closed and my fingers grazing the trigger
"Whoa . . . easy there Sand- uh . . . Santana, I didn't know what I said to you affected you this much. Okay, I'm sorry, really I am but killing yourself is not the way to go" Coach said as she was slowly walking towards me and I slowly walked away from her causing me to come closer to Mrs. Pillsbury,
"Santana please give me the gun you don't want to hurt yourself and you don't want to hurt any of us . . . so there's no reason for the gun" Mrs. Pillsbury soothe and I had to admit I was kind of buying into her bullshit.
"Stop being a bitch Santana" My Uncle's voice rang in my ears
"Don't you ever disrespect your mother"
"Get up you lazy ass piece of shit" My brother's voice yelled and passed along with the image of my body rolling down three flights of stairs
"You whore" My mother snarled
"Bitch"
"Slut"
"Freak"
"Lesbian"
"Hoe"
"Piece of shit"
The gun slowly slips from my hand and I began to see everything in slow motion; Mrs. Pillsbury and coach running towards my falling body and the gun hit the floor still fully loaded. As they reach me coach takes the gun and Mrs. Pillsbury began to comfort me and tears fell from my eyes and I couldn't stop them or hold them in anymore as I clung tightly to Emma as she softly ran her hand through my hair and lightly hummed some song I didn't know.
"Santana, please never ever pick up that gun or anything that could harm you like that ever again" Emma pleaded as coach grabbed my bag that had fallen off my shoulders in the whole process of the argument.
"Yes ma'am"
"You're such a sweet and respectful girl Santana, you should never want to kill yourself"
"Mrs. Pillsbury when you have a life like mine in this kind of town you are going to want to kill yourself everyday of of your life. You just have to wait until you finally get your courage.