PROLOGUE…
He was a logical, passionate man, an enigma unto himself. His true love was a whiteboard full of a medical mystery. It was the only girl that never broke his heart or wounded his body. It was just as real as a…well, normal…relationship: he could touch the whiteboard, talk to it. He could manipulate it, if only up to a point.
It was life.
It was…just…it.
To this man, a whiteboard full of medical mystery was all that was beautiful and right in the world: it was love and blue skies and good jazz and ice cold beer with greasy pizza and loud monster trucks.
It was the reason he still got up in the morning and put on his jeans and popped Vicodin and limped into this realm of meaning.
He was absolutely convinced this analytical world of medicine, where A + B should always equal C, was life at its very best. That is, unless A + B didn't equal C because a little bit of D, E, F or G suddenly sprung up. Then it became exciting; it was all just gravy.
But one thing he could never justify (or tolerate) was unadulterated, unequivocal, absolute happiness based entirely out of the illogical. He couldn't understand why a fat, frolicking Labrador puppy was simply the cutest thing ever or laughter at the completely inane was cherished or moonlight, beach-front picnics where lovers fed each other strawberries and drank champagne was the most romantic thing. It was stupid; it served no purpose. So why waste my time?
Not only did this attitude alienate the people around him, it's was also a sedative to the other 'man', his other 'self' lying dormant in a sleep of repression, laid buried beneath the medical books and song sheets in his mind. At the slightest hint of stirring, of waking, of knowing this other man was coming out of hibernation, the doctor took over and sought to bury him in more and more logic. The man represented the 'unnecessary'. Only sissies needed emotion; only those too stupid to solve the puzzle used tears to get what they want. If only they hadn't fcked up and listened to lullabies and musicals and walked in the rain they'd be just like me: miserable but not delusional.
But in this sleeping self within the man were his feelings. Here, buried underneath his logic, lies a life lulled into a dull, monotonous hum that didn't hurt like a man who lets his feelings run rampant. He just knew if his feelings were tightly controlled his life wouldn't hurt quite so much or be quite so complicated.
In short, Dr. Gregory House was a 'fraidy cat. He was afraid to feel so he had only half a life. He was truly only half a man. While, in and of itself, this is a sad situation, it doesn't compare to the fact that there was a time he felt, a time he truly knew what it was like to let himself go and just…be. It wasn't with Stacy, the woman he did love years before. With Stacy he was still only half a man.
That one time he did live completely was as buried…for the most part…as his feeling self. It kept the weights on the man, chained underneath the logic and, for the most part, he did an impressive job of keeping it…mostly…out of sight, out of mind. And he reasoned if he could keep it as bottled up as possible it would never harm him and he'd never have to deal with it.
But, in the meantime, he wasn't thinking about that. He was comfortable in his position and hadn't thought about that time for while. He'd actually tried to reason it away, which helped him momentarily forget that time…
It was interesting how life always has a way of biting you in the ss sometimes…
*****
"I've got to make the call…I've got to make the call." She muttered as she paced her office, eyeing her phone with every pass. She knew she had to; she knew if she didn't make that call she'd hear about it for years afterwards. Why didn't you call me? You were in town and you didn't tell me? How's that supposed to make me feel?
And she wanted to, she really did. She wanted to tell her best friend that she was going to be in town…but it was bigger than that. So very much bigger. It meant the possibility of reliving…that…it…HIM…again and she didn't need that. She'd managed to move along quite nicely without anyone knowing about it.
It wasn't like she didn't have reminders of that time. Everywhere she turned she'd seen it, felt it, even tasted it. And these senses just heightened whatever remembrance was there…
Take the last week, when she made a rare trip to a department store some hundred miles away. Where she hailed from, department stores were few and far between so she took time to relish her experience. As she walked through the men's fragrance department, a musky, rough masculine aroma raced through her nostrils. She'd never smelt it before and it invaded her taste buds. She was instantly transported to that one day…to it…so very long ago. It had been a brief time filled with musky, hot masculine hazy cloudiness and confusion. Granted, it had always been a deliciously wrong moment but this millionth remembrance was different than all the rest. The force had been so great, so powerful, so hypnotizing that her very core, the one that hadn't been explored by another man since her husband died five years before, tingled, throbbed, and gasped.
She couldn't catch her breath as memories of someone long ago invaded her brain like a black-and-white projector. Each flicker of each image stopped her heart and quickened her breath.
It was one of the scariest experiences she'd ever had because it was so fierce, so overpowering…so out of nowhere…that the experience still lingered even as she paced that room, days later. Even now it was dictating what she needed to do when she didn't want it to. She wanted to be free to make the call, to live her life as if what happened never happened before.
For fifteen minutes she couldn't make a decision. Suddenly she stopped, took a deep breath and opened her cell phone, thereby resolving to put an end to the nonsense underfoot. Punching in the long-distance number, she sighed and closed her eyes, listening to the ringing on the other end…
*****
"Dr. Lisa Cuddy."
Dr. Leah Rogan and Dr. Lisa Cuddy had been best friends, growing up in Chicago. Leah, older than Lisa by 5 years, had been a smart Irish-Polish beauty who, at 12, had taken the slightly awkward Jewish 7-year-old under her wing. Their friendship had been instantaneous and blossomed, even from their young ages. Leah soon became Lisa's mentor; she'd realized from the first that it was somehow her responsibility to nurture the younger girl and to watch out for her because Leah had seen what Lisa could do. Lisa was truly on the cusp of greatness. Both had been toughened by their childhood, thereby giving both girls the will they needed when they plunged headfirst into med school. It had started as a childhood dream for Leah, as far back as she could remember, which quickly fostered the small kindling that Lisa, at 12, had to become a medical student herself.
Cuddy watched as Leah grew up, so determined to be a doctor. She later followed Leah to Michigan, where they had became roommates when Cuddy was a freshman and Leah had started medical school after having graduated with her bachelors in history. But it was when Leah first met Jake Rogan that she began drifting from Lisa, moving on with her life without the younger woman, and out of the apartment they shared after only a year. That was another regret of Leah's.
You can do this. Just do it girl. "Hey Lise." (pronounced 'Lease') "How are ya?"
Cuddy smiled. It was good to hear her friend's voice, even if their verbal conversations were dreadfully few and far between. Nowadays they'd been stuck to emailing each other. "Well, well, well! Dr. Leah Rogan, as I live and breathe! How are you? How's Wyoming? Why haven't you called sooner?"
Leah laughed guiltily. See? Not so bad… "We're both fine, but Wyoming is huge, quiet and the most beautiful piece of country you'll ever see. Yeah, sorry about the whole 'not calling you sooner' thing. I guess my work consumes me." Are you sure?? Leah paused. Here goes nothing… "Listen, I'm coming to Princeton for that Nephrology convention. Can we swing by, grab a bite to eat, catch up on old times?"
" 'We'? Who's 'we'?" Cuddy gasped. "Leah! Have you been seeing someone??"
PAUSE. Not hardly. "Not since Jake."
"Leah! Jake died five years ago. You never mention men in our emails; you always avoid the subject. Have you even tried to date??"
"I figured I make a better looking widow than a middle-aged fish swimming in piranha-infested dating waters. How often do you find those?"
"I know you and Jake's marriage lasted a long time…"
"…fifteen years…"
"…but you're still so young. You're only 45. You need to get out there."
"How's your love life?"
"Must you ask?"
Leah's laughter from the other end of the country warmed Leah's heart. Oh, it had been too long. She began relaxing; Leah hadn't realized until she talked to Lisa how much she really did miss her. "I'm bringing Jaymie and Billy. My daughter's never been east of the Mississippi and I thought it would be a good getaway for the lovebirds."
"How long have they been married?"
"Four years. It's hard to believe she's already 27!! Time really flies."
"Yes it does." Cuddy chuckled. "Listen, I'd love to have you folks stay with me. I have plenty of room and it's been ages since we've gotten together in person. What do you say?"
"Well, we're actually staying two weeks."
"Can the kids be gone that long?"
"Billy's ranch is the most successful in the county. He's got a trusted crew who've been pushing him to spend some fun time away. They've been looking forward to coming."
"Well, that's great! When are you coming?"
"Friday. Is that too short of notice?"
Cuddy shook her head as she studied her calendar. "Nope. I'm glad you called me on Monday instead of Thursday."
"I don't do that; you do."
"I've got this big, important job. I live by my Day-Runner now."
Leah chuckled. "Yeah, yeah. We'll see. Ok, I'll call you Thursday with more details." PAUSE. "Lise, thank you so much for this. I've missed our girl talks."
"Me too. Talk to you later??"
"Bye."
Leah flipped the phone closed, laid it against her forehead and closed her eyes. Instantly she knew the next two weeks would go down in infamy. There was no way to avoid the issue now; Leah hadn't been unaware of where or what her 'issue' was doing. After all, her best friend was the issue's boss.
*****