A/N: All other stories are still on the radar (especially Extra Credit) but I saw a gifset on tumblr which inspired the title and then… Sometimes, the only way to get over pain is to feel it.

Set completely in canon (but disregarding *most* spoilers) following on from the Season 4 finale.

Side note: I have changed my name! I used to be reginakatic. I hope you're not too confused.

I'll Be Good

Regina felt the darkness whirl around her, whipping at her body, binding her tighter and tighter until her arms were pinned at her sides and she ceased even to struggle. Resistance was futile. A familiar utterance came to mind.

I'll be good.

What a lie that had been. She had been anything but good. She had been evil, pure evil, and now she was getting the punishment she deserved. The punishment she had always deserved, ever since she cost Daniel his life.

It didn't matter that Cora was long dead. Regina's body would remember forever. As the tendrils of dark magic tightened around her, she fell into complete submission. She waited for the inevitable pain.

Two belts of dark leather strapped her arms to her sides, tightening painfully. They cut into her even through her riding jacket. She cried out - she had not yet learned not to. Suspended ten feet above ground, her mother still seemed to tower above her.

"Why must you hurt me so, Regina?" Cora asked sadly.

At fourteen years old, Regina already knew better than to believe any emotion displayed by her mother.

"I'm sorry, please don't do this. Please let me down," Regina begged.

"Begging is for paupers, girl. Are you a pauper?" Cora demanded.

"No," Regina gasped; the belts were still tightening and she was beginning to feel painfully hot.

"Have I not provided for you? Have I not given you everything?"

"Yes," Regina said. "Everything."

Cora waved her hand. The heat intensified; Regina could feel sweat blossoming on her brow and trickling down her face, mingling with the few salty tears she hadn't been able to hold back.

"I'll be good," she promised desperately.

Cora turned away. For a moment, Regina thought it was over. The belts loosened and unwound from her torso, but they did not disappear, and she still could not move.

At the first strike she screamed so loudly her father, who had been frozen at the side of the training grounds, actually moved. He opened his mouth, looking towards Cora, but then, with a final pained glance at his daughter, he practically ran back to the house.

"You will be silent," Cora said without turning around. "You deserve this. You give me no other choice."

And with that, she too walked away.

Regina blinked, pushing the memories out of her miserable brain. If this was the end, so be it. She would accept her fate with her head held high. At least in death, she would be saving-

"EMMA, NO!"

BREAK

Emma watched as the darkness swirled around them, looking for its target. It would choose her, it had to. She knew it, just as she'd known, deep down, that the chernabog would want her and not Regina. But to Emma's horror, the black snakes of magic began to wrap around the very person she needed most to be safe.

Regina was Henry's mother. And she was the only person who had ever understood.

"REGINA!" Emma cried.

She ran towards the former queen, seeing something in the woman's eyes. Darkness, not from evil, but from terrible pain. No, no, no, she couldn't leave, she couldn't. She was already trying, she was letting herself go, sacrificing herself because of the lies she believed, the lies she had been told her whole life.

Emma knew about lies only too well. But the difference was, she didn't believe them. She knew she was strong, she knew she was powerful, she knew she could beat the darkness if she wanted to.

But did she really want to? Emma ignored the flicker of guilt in the back of her mind. She knew what she was doing. She had to stop Regina. For Regina, this was suicide. For her, it would be…

Destiny.

She raised the dagger, trusting her gut that this would work.

"EMMA, NO!"

She saw the begging in Regina's eyes and met them with her own, trying to convey her strength and conviction to the woman who was quickly becoming one of the most important people in her life.

Trust me.

It was a foolish wish, and she did not voice it. Regina would not trust her, whether the trust was in her loyalty or her survival.

Emma plunged the dagger into the darkness and cried out as the black consumed her. She had felt dark magic before, but never like this. This was pure hatred, pure ugliness, and she revelled in it.

Emma, the saviour, the golden girl, brought to Storybrooke to save a whole world, again and again and again. Mother, daughter, sister, Sheriff, idol. She'd never wanted any of it, she'd never needed any of it. she'd never wanted to be a hero and she hated what they'd made her. And now she knew what it had cost? She was damn close to hating them too.

She had been nothing, all her life. She had been abandoned, unloved, and alone. She'd dreamed of finding her parents, her family. She'd dreamed of being loved. But now she had found them, she wasn't loved, she was used. They were never cruel, but they'd never treated her life as her own. Even before she was born, they'd used her, tried to force her destiny instead of giving her the freedom to be good on her own. They had doubted her since conception. Their love had never been unconditional.

She knew all too well how being replaced by a shiny new baby worked. Naming him Neal had been just another kick in a long line of perfectly aimed blows covering her already battered and weakened body.

She had been so good for them. She had done everything. But it meant nothing, and they weren't worth it.

She hated them.

She wanted them to suffer.

Darkness came horrifyingly easily to Emma Swan.

BREAK

The dagger clattered to the ground. Regina stared at it for a long moment.

Emma Swan.

She picked it up, almost cradling it, holding the only trace of the woman's soul she had left.

"What did you do?"

Snow. Regina turned, but for once, she had no snide retort.

"Nothing," she murmured. "She sacrificed herself. For-"

"For the town," David said quickly, looking pointedly at his wife. Regina was momentarily confused, but then nodded.

"For the town. Of course."

"As she should, she's the saviour! But why is she gone?"

Regina wondered why they were all looking at her.

"I don't know," she said, a little defensive now.

Robin reached her and immediately tried to hold her but the memories of being crushed were still far too fresh. She struggled out of his grip, ignoring him as best she could. Since New York, she'd had no idea what to say to him.

"How do we get her back?" Hook asked.

Hook grabbed for the dagger, but Regina had already realised the same thing and poofed it away.

"What are you doing?"

"We can't summon her," Regina said slowly.

"Why not?" Snow demanded, fury with the woman she still saw as the Evil Queen coming naturally to her.

"Because she left willingly. We must allow her to return willingly, too."

"What?"

Regina searched for simpler words to use to explain her belief to the imbecil. "If she wanted to be here, she would be. She just saved us all. Again. Give her a break, she'll come back when she's ready."

"She just absorbed all the dark magic in Storybrooke! How do we know she's okay?"

Regina resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.

"Because she just absorbed all the dark magic in Storybrooke. Combined with her own plentiful supply of light magic, she will be inordinately powerful, possibly the most powerful creature in all the realms-"

"She's my daughter, not some creature!"

Why did they always think she was criticising?

"I merely used the word because she is no longer simply human. And as I was saying, with that power, returning to us will be easy for her when she chooses to do so."

"But then… Why isn't she coming back?" Snow looked around as if expecting her daughter to pop up at any second.

"I guess she's just… Processing," David consoled.

BREAK

Emma roared. She had never felt so pure, so honest, so real. And she had never felt such rage.

She remembered every foster parent, every care home, every night of loneliness, every empty stomach, every moment of neglect. She remembered every cut and bruise, she remembered even the most invisible scars. And finally, after more than thirty years, she allowed herself to feel them. She allowed herself to feel angry about them.

Snow and Charming would be fine. They had their perfect replacement baby. Henry would be fine. He had his real mother. Storybrooke would be fine. She had saved them, yet again.

She had saved them, a town of fucking fairytale characters whose world she apparently belonged to. At least it explained why she'd never fitted in anywhere else.

Emma rolled a shoulders, finally examining her surroundings. She was in a forest. Her fingers tingled with magic. She hated the countryside. She remembered Regina explaining how to "poof".

New York.

Nothing. Fuck. She tried again, but it was no good. She could feel magic, coursing through her veins like deliciously deadly energy. So why wouldn't it…

That apple tree.

She materialised beside the tree she had focused on. So it did work. It just… She groaned. She must be in a different realm. Great, fucking great. Not only was she the fucking Dark One, but she was stuck in some godforsaken plane of the universe that probably didn't even have indoor plumbing.

Wait.

She was the fucking Dark One.

She materialised a bathroom. Regina Mills' bathroom, to be exact. It was the nicest one she'd been in.

She left it there for the forest creatures after she'd taken care of everything. She also created a new outfit. If Regina could be a vision in black leather, so could she. In the bathroom mirror, she'd noticed her skin had an odd quality to it… It was as if the magic was barely contained; her body was so saturated by it that she sparkled. She conjured an eyebrow pencil. At least she could fix that part.

I look like a fucking twilight vampire. She exploded a nearby tree. Interestingly, it only blew up when she specifically willed it to. She had seemingly endless power - even the huge bathroom had hardly made a dent - but she was completely in control.

The darkness, however… Emma cackled. Time to find some hearts to rip out. Maybe she was in her parents' realm. It did seem familiar… Maybe she could kill an ogre. Now that would be fun. She conjured a gun, glad she knew enough about the inner workings of her favoured weapon to get it right. Then she fired it into the air.

"COME AND GET ME!" she taunted. She fired again. "Come and get me, assholes!"

She heard the thunder of giant footsteps and braced herself for a much needed brawl, a wide grin on her face.

BREAK

"She sacrificed herself?"

Regina looked at her son, who was a little boy no longer.

"Yes," she told him.

"Why?" he asked, somewhat accusingly.

"Because your mother is an idiot," Regina spat.

"Didn't she save your life?"

"Precisely!"

Regina raised her eyebrows as Henry, who was several inches taller than her now, wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

"You're… You're no less important than anyone else, Mom," Henry said quietly.

"Thank you, dear," Regina said quietly.

"So now… Now we have to save her," he said, letting her go.

Regina rolled her eyes. "Ya think?"

Henry laughed. "You sounded a lot like her then."

Regina rolled her eyes again, but she was smiling. "So… Operation Emma?"

"That's like her too. No imagination whatsoever when it comes to naming missions."

"Come on, Henry. Let's go home before your grandparents insist we plot and plan with them."

Henry was more than happy to hurry home with his brunette mother. He loved his grandparents, he really did, but keeping calm in a crisis was not one of their strong points.

"So why did she disappear? And why hasn't she come back?"

Regina tilted her head to one side. She had several theories. She decided Henry was old enough to understand, even if he might be hurt. Lying to him would hurt him more. If she'd learned nothing else in the last three years, she had learned that.

"The… The vortex of darkness, had enough power to do just about anything," Regina explained. "It could have taken her anywhere. I believe… It's definitely possible that it took her wherever she wanted to go. She may have been thinking of a specific place, or maybe just 'far away'. If she is still in this realm, we can summon her with the dagger."

"But you didn't let Hook try. Why not?"

"Because neither he, nor anyone else, owns her, and none of us have the right to summon her. She left because she wanted to, even if it wasn't consciously."

Henry looked thoughtful. "But… if she was in this realm, wouldn't she… Wouldn't she come back for… For me?" he asked in a small voice. Regina took his hand.

"Of course she'll come back for you. I know Emma Swan, and I know she loves you more than anything."

Henry sighed. "I… I believe you. But she gave me up once before."

"She gave you up because she had no other choice. It was not her fault, and it was never because she didn't love you."

Somewhere in her mind, Regina registered how strange it felt to be defending Emma. But the thing was, it also felt right.

"What if she's not in this realm? Maybe she can't get back," Henry suggested.

"That's entirely possible. But she'll find a way - she is inordinately powerful. If and when she wants to be in Storybrooke, it will not take her long to get here."

"Like, with magic beans?"

"Exactly. There are several other ways, too. Portals exist all over the place. You have no need to worry about her. I am sure she is just fine. She has… She has a lot to work through."

"Because Grandma and Grandpa had another baby and named him after my dad even though my dad let her go to prison?"

Regina held back a chuckle. "You're a very insightful young man, Henry. I would imagine that is an element of it, yes."

Henry played with his mug; he'd finished the cocoa that had been in it.

"What's going to happen with Robin?" he asked.

Regina grimaced. She'd almost forgotten about him after they slipped away from Main Street. She sighed.

"I don't know," she admitted.

"He's your soulmate?"

Regina leaned against the counter. "So I've been told."

She believed it, too. Robin was her soulmate, and even that wasn't enough. She still wasn't first choice. Or second choice. She wasn't even third choice, if you counted Greenie's spawn. She felt for the spawn. Children don't choose their parents. But still.

"Maybe," Henry said, looking a little awkward as he talked about his mother's love life, "you should just… Not listen to destiny and stuff. I mean, the author was bullshit-"

"Language, Henry!"

"Sorry, Mom. But he was. And he's basically the same as destiny. Maybe you should just choose what you want."

Regina suddenly found her fingernails absolutely fascinating. Henry moved around the kitchen to put his arm around her.

"The way I see it, Mom, people have been telling you what to do and how to be your whole life. Even Robin makes decisions for you. But I know you have a good heart, and… You can make your own decisions."

Regina leaned into her son's embrace.

"I want to be here for you, and I want to repay Emma," she said softly.

"I don't think Ma was looking for repayment."

"Of course. But I… I am in her debt, regardless."

"Not everything comes with a price, Mom."

Regina held him tightly. "I very much hope that you are right. But I fear… I fear there must be consequences. Emma has absorbed a huge amount of dark magic."

"She's the saviour. She can handle it. We'll help her. And then we'll be a family again."

"A family?"

"Don't you think she's our family?" He smiled evilly. "I mean, she's technically your grand-"

"Don't you say it. But yes, Henry. She is."

She's our family.

BREAK

Ogres were even uglier when they were dead. Emma had a thought. If she was in the White Kingdom, she could poof to somewhere she knew. Like… Her old bedroom.

A puff of black smoke and there she was. It was in ruins. She was a little relieved - this meant she probably hadn't gone back in time. That had been a mess. Regina had looked hot, though.

She brushed the dust off a teddy bear. Then she ripped its head off. It was no good to anyone. And they'd known she would never have it. She threw the lifeless body across the room and thought about the wardrobe. The wardrobe her parents had decided to put her in, instead of keeping her with them.

Emma didn't blame Regina, the so called Evil Queen. It hadn't even been her curse, it had been Rumpelstiltskin's, and she didn't blame him either. They'd had shit, they did what they had to. Snow and Charming, though… She'd been their baby.

Their baby.

And they'd sent her away, all alone, into an unknown world. A helpless child. She could have died. And they'd been fucking with her long before that. She couldn't even think of Lily now. She kicked whatever was nearest - the crib. Why had they even had this stuff? It made no sense. They'd known, they'd known what they were going to do long before she was born. They'd been planning for Snow to go with her.

Why had they waited? Why hadn't they gone before the curse was cast, before Snow was in labour?

Emma felt the room start to burn around her. She poofed out of the palace, then let the fire spread. She wanted it all to burn. All of it.

BREAK

Someone was pounding on the door of 108 Mifflin Street. Regina wondered, as she pulled on her grey silk robe, if there was really any point in having a door. It didn't really keep anybody out.

"What?" she demanded, channeling as much evil as she could muster. She wanted them to go away. It wasn't like she would actually hurt them.

The opened door revealed the two idiots, Captain Guyliner, and (joy of joys) Robin Hood. The philanderer spoke first.

"Regina, we need you to give us the dagger?"

Regina took a deep, cleansing breath. Archie would have been proud.

"Why, Robin?"

"Because you… You shouldn't have that temptation."

At least he had the decency to look embarrassed when he said that. Regina resisted the temptation to slam the door in his face. She was too tired for this.

"Temptation?" she asked, fairly sure she knew what he was getting at, but wanting him to say it. She had to be sure.

"You can't have control of Emma's power!" Hook said.

Regina turned on him immediately.

"Oh, of course, because you having it would be far better. I can just imagine it. Dark One, I summon thee. Dark One, I command thee, tell me you love me, make me a sandwich, warm my bed."

"You heard her say it. She said she loved me."

"And your immediate reaction was to try to control her. You know her past, you know her desperation. From the moment you met her you've fought for her like she was a piece of meat. You treat her as a body, she has to be everything you need." At this she spared a pointed glance to Snow and David. "Emma has felt unwanted her whole life. You counter that feeling, Mr. Jones, and because of that, she'd do pretty much anything to keep you around."

"You know an awful lot about the saviour all of a sudden," Hook said angrily, disliking the sense in Regina's words.

"She is the mother of my son, the breaker of my curse, and the saviour of my town. It is in my interest to know her," Regina said tiredly.

"You still shouldn't have the dagger," Charming said. "It's not that we don't trust you-"

"It's just that you don't trust me. Right. Thank you. Rest assured, I have no intention of using the dagger. When Emma returns, I plan to give it to her."

"But we need to use it. We need to bring her back now," Snow insisted.

"No. Even if we could use it to bring her back, which is by no means a certainty, we should not do it. She is angry. She is angry with you, with… Probably with this entire world. She also has the power to destroy it. Her magic works outside of Storybrooke, you know. It did even before she was the Dark One."

"What about Henry? He needs his mother."

Regina heard a shuffle behind her. She looked around. Henry had been listening.

"How much did you hear?" she asked him.

"All of it," Henry admitted guiltily. He joined Regina in the doorway.

"Regina's my Mom, Grandma. Ma is too, but she needs her space. She never signed up for this, for any of this, and I'm fine with Mom. I think we just have to wait for Ma to be ready."

"From the mouths of babes," Regina said, looking at Snow again.

Henry elbowed her. "Hey! I'm not a baby," he joked, standing even taller to look down on her. Regina laughed.

"Right, anything else?" she asked her unwanted visitors.

"Regina, we need to talk," Robin said.

"Not now. Tomorrow, Granny's."

"But Regina, I-"

Henry moved between them.

"Get away from my Mom, asshole. She said not now."

"Henry," Regina muttered. Henry turned to Regina, his mouth set in a firm line.

"Mom," Henry replied. He sounded… Both desperate and strong. Strong, himself, and desperate for her to be strong, too.

"Thank you," Regina said, taking his hand and leading him back into the house. She closed the door without so much as a goodbye.

Henry looked at the closed door.

"Do you love him?" he asked suddenly.

Regina bit her lip. "I don't know," she whispered.

"If you loved him, you would know."

Regina didn't deny it. "When did you get so smart?" she asked. Henry grinned.

"I've always been smart. You've just started listening."

"I'm so sorry," Regina said, her voice dripping with emotion. "I'm so sorry I didn't listen before. I'm so sorry I made you feel crazy, I'm so sorry I lied."

Henry pulled her into another hug. "You've always been a great Mom. You haven't always been great to other people, but you've been nothing but great to me. And you want to know the real reason I'm smart?"

"What?"

"I get it from you. Mom?"

"Yes, Henry?"

"Do I have to go to bed?"

Regina laughed. He was still her little boy, really.

"Why would you possibly not have to go to bed?"

Henry grinned. "Well, what with Operation Emma and all, I can't really go to school tomorrow, can I? And after all that," he put on a silly voice and put his hand to his heart, "horrible drama outside, I just couldn't sleep."

Regina rolled her eyes. "As it happens, I don't really want to go back to bed either."

"Wanna watch that Detective show you like?"

"One episode. Then we go to bed whether we like it or not."

"I'll get the ice cream."

"I never said you could have-"

"It's mint chocolate chip."

"Okay, fine, but do not tell Emma."

Henry cackled as he scooped generous helpings of ice cream into two bowls. Emma would have eaten it out of the tub, but Regina just wasn't ready.

"I'm going to get fat," Regina said as she eyed her ice cream warily.

"I don't care if you get fat," Henry chuckled, diving into his own. "But anyway, one bowl of ice cream isn't going to make a difference."

"I was never allowed desserts…" she said. Henry looked away from the TV, meeting her eyes.

"You don't talk about it much. Your life in the Enchanted Forest. I'd like to know, I mean, when you're ready to tell me. I want to know what your childhood was like."

Regina leaned on his shoulder. "Lonely," she said carefully.

"I… It wasn't how I expected. I'd wanted to go there for so long but it was… It was hard," Henry admitted.

"I would never have raised a child there," Regina said. "It's a cruel realm."

"And your Mom… My other Grandma. She was even more evil than you."

Regina laughed humorlessly. Henry made a face.

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant… From what people said, it seems like she wasn't a very good Mom."

"She always wanted the best for me."

"That's not the same thing."

"I know."

BREAK

A/N: So! What did you think? I'm partly using this story to explain why I find CS and OQ so problematic. There is going to be a fair bit of Henry, because I think he's awesome, but Emma will be back in Storybrooke very soon and this is first and foremost a Swan Queen story.