Stood Up
[yellow box] [white box] Deadpool speaking to the boxes
Okay, should I wear the blue tie or the black tie? Fuck, should I even wear a tie?
[You should just show up in your best suit. Your birthday suit!]
It's a nice restaurant and this is our FIRST date! Showing up naked might be sending the wrong message.
[Well, you do want to get naked with him. I don't see how that says the wrong thing.]
That is not what showing up naked would say.
[How the hell could that say anything else?]
I'm completely insane and should probably be locked up.
[You mean we shouldn't tell him that?]
Not on the first date! If we want to have any chance of tapping that ass we should probably wait for him to find that out until after the third date.
[If you say so.]
[We should still show up in our birthday suit]
Both of you shut up and help me pick out a tie!
"The boxes talken to ya again Wadey-boy?" Wade Wilson turned around to see his roommate, Harleen Quinzel standing in the doorway holding her stuffed beaver, Bernie. Harley was probably the only person in the world who could match Wade's insanity and she always seemed to know when Wade was talking with the boxes in his head.
"Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what tie to wear tonight. I really wanna impress Pete tonight." Harley nodded. That's right, by some grace of God (or Stan Lee, same thing really) Wade actually had a date tonight. And it wasn't with his right hand even! No, he had a date with an actual human being. Not just any human being either. Tonight he had a date with Peter Parker, who officially had the best ass of anything or anyone on planet Earth (Quill might disagree but he's banged all over the galaxy). Harley and Bernie looked at Wade and the ties appraisingly.
"Bernie says the blue and I agree." Wade looked at the tie in question.
"Really?"
"Trust me, brings out your eyes. You've got good eyes Wadey and since they're still in your head you should show them off." Wade shrugged and put the black tie down before setting work tying the blue one around his neck. "So where you taken this Peter kid tonight, someplace classy?" He nodded.
"Apparently there's this nice place across the street from his work that he really likes. I'm meeting him there and I wanted to look nice. Or at least as nice as I can look considering this." Wade gestured at his face. About ten years ago not he'd been in a fire that left him with severe burns all over his face and body. He'd been saved and healed but no amount of surgeries could completely fix the damage. The result was the look of what had come out of Ryan Reynolds hate-fucking a Shar Pei. He frequently got stares on the street and the occasional small child running away in horror, even though both Harley and her girlfriend, Ivy, insisting that it really wasn't that bad once you got used to it. Which was what Harley was doing now.
"Shut Up, it's not that bad. Definitely makes ya interesten to look at. Besides your eyes are still great and you have a hot bod. That's more than most of those guys you see on the street. Besides,"
"Do not say I have a great personality. That just rubs salt in the wound Harls."
"Fine, but Bernie and I were thinking it. And ya look nervous. Why ya so nervous?" Wade almost laughed aloud. As if he didn't have a million reasons to be nervous. Last time he checked Peter was ridiculously hot. Sure he was kinda nerdy, but that just made him even cuter in Wade's eyes. Peter was the total package: hot, smart, funny, and completely adorable. And despite Harley's assertions that Peter must not care what Wade looks like if he agreed to go on a date, Wade couldn't help but feel he was walking into a joke where he was the butt (and not in the good, sexy way). As much as he tried he couldn't totally suppress the part of himself that was saying he's going to be stood up.
[You're going to be stood up.]
[Yeah, there's no fucking way that he's actually coming tonight.]
Sometimes he really hated having the boxes in his head.
He hated it even more when they were actually right. Wade had been sitting at this table for almost a half hour with no sign of the lovely Peter Parker anywhere and he was starting to get worried. Wade had been really excited and anxious so he'd showed up to the restaurant fifteen minutes early just to be sure he was there on time. He'd been impressed with the place Peter had picked. It was a nice little Italian place called Bellissima that looked like it had someone's Nonna in the kitchen making the recipes she'd brought over from the Old Country. The kind of place where Olive Garden was a four-letter word. The host had immediately found the reservation that Peter had made and he was seated quickly. The whole atmosphere was quaint and homey, the perfect place for a first date. And the breadsticks were free!
But now Peter was 15 minutes late and the waiter had just brought over another order of breadsticks, placing them on the table with a sympathetic look. It was looking more and more like Wade had been stood up.
Wade wished he could say that he was surprised but he really wasn't. He'd been expecting this. The fact that Peter had agreed to the date in the first place had been less believable than this. Peter had probably been put on the spot when Wade had asked him out back in Starbucks and didn't want the ugly guy to make a big scene in public. He'd probably just agreed so that he could just not come later and wouldn't have to deal with rejecting Wade face-to-face. But if he was just going to reject Wade, why had he made a reservation? No, Wade was being stupid. There was no way the amazing Peter Parker was actually going to be showing up to go on a date with him. He'd been stood up. The real question now was how long should he sit here, waiting for someone who wasn't coming.
[Fuck Peter!]
[Yeah, we should just go home, or to a bar!]
[Or a strip club!]
[Oh! That's a better idea.]
[Tits or dicks?]
[Both? I vote both!]
Yeah, you guys are probably right. But I'm not feeling a strip club tonight. I'm just gonna go home, pull up Pornhub, and jack off till I fall asleep.
[Sounds like a good fucking time to me!]
[At least the breadsticks were good.]
Yeah, sucks that I can't come back here anymore. It looked like it would've been really good.
It was at that moment that Wade's phone went off, Barbie Girl by Aqua blaring throughout the small restaurant. People stared but Wade could honestly care less as he whipped out his phone to check caller ID. It was probably Harley or something, wanting to check up on him. He was surprised that it wasn't Harley. Instead, it was some unknown caller. It was a little late to be a telemarketer. Maybe it was one of those phone scammers or something. He'd remembered hearing about that when he was watching the news the other day (Okay, so it was when Ivy had been watching the news over at their place and Wade and been sitting there playing on his phone but he'd still heard about it from the news). He should just brush it off.
[Ignore the phone and let's get some takeout and go home.]
[Yeah, we have the oh so sexy ladies and gentlemen of Pornhub waiting for us.]
Yeah, you guys are right. I'll ignore it.
{Wade.}
Gotta be getting home anyway
{Wade! Wade Wilson!}
[What The Fuck!]
[Since when did we get a new box!]
{I'm not a new box.}
Are you my conscience? I thought those were supposed to be crickets.
{This isn't Pinocchio and I am not Jiminy Cricket. I'm the author. Mallorie, we met in Starbucks and AirDrop.}
Oh yeah! How's Brayden *wink*?
{He's fine, but we are not here to discuss my love life. We're here to discuss your love life.}
What love life, last time I checked I was in the middle of being stood up on a first date.
{Just shut your trap and pick up the phone.}
Why?
{Because I'm the author of this fanfic and I'm telling you to pick up the phone.}
I really don't see why I should listen to you. You're the reason I'm in this mess in the first place!
{LISTEN HERE DEADPOOL! I AM THE AUTHOR SO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!}
ALRIGHT! I'M ANSWERING THE DAMN PHONE! You need to have a drink and chill out.
{We'll talk about this again next month when that's actually legal, now answer the phone.}
And since he was finally listening to his author! Wade answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"Wade?"
"Yeah? Who is this?"
"Oh thank god! It's Peter. The guy you're supposed to be on a date with."
"Yeah, I'm kinda at the restaurant waiting for you."
"Fuck! I'm so sorry. I was really trying to get ahold of you! I can't make it tonight."
"I kinda guessed that when you didn't show up. It's cool. Trust me, I get it."
"NO! Really, I didn't mean to stand you up and I really, REALLY want to be there. I'm at the hospital and my phone died and I've been trying for the last half hour to remember your number and I've made a billion wrong number calls and some guy named Bruce yelled at me when I told him I had the wrong number and-"
"Whoa! Whoa! Did you say you're in the hospital? Are you okay!"
"I'm fine! I was on my way to meet you when my Aunt May called. She broke her leg falling down the stairs and she needed me to take her to the hospital cause it was really bad. She's in surgery right now so they can reset the bone properly. I'm really sorry. I was really, really looking forward to coming tonight. But it's my Aunt May, I love her she's all I have left."
"It's cool, trust me. I get it." Wade had always done everything he could to be there for Harley back when she was dating her abusive ex and he put her in the hospital. Actually, Wade had a plan forming. "You said you were in the hospital, that's Mount Sinai right?"
"Actually Elmhurst. I'm really sorry. Can I get a raincheck?"
"Definitely." Wade had a feeling that he'd be seeing Peter a lot sooner than Parker expected.
"I'm looking for May Parker's room?" Wade asked as soon as he walked up to the front desk of the ER. The nurse looked at him skeptically.
"Excuse me?"
"May Parker, I'm looking for her room. At least I think that's her name."
"You don't know the name of the person you're here to visit, sir?"
"Well, I know her nephew is Peter Parker?"
"Sir, if you don't know who you're here to visit I'm going to have to ask you to sit down."
"But-"
"Sir there is currently one young man with an arrow in his arm, three people who are bleeding from various injuries, and one young woman who has a child's toy stuck in an orifice of her body. I don't have time to search the whole hospital for a person who may or may not be here since you don't actually know who you're looking for."
"But I know who I'm looking for! It's May Parker!"
"Wade?" Wade turned around to see a very confused Peter looking at him. He was wearing black jeans and a dark red blazer over a white button-down shirt that looked as though it might have been ironed at one point but had long since wrinkled. There was a loosened black tie hanging around his neck and a look of complete confusion on his face. "Wha-what are you doing here?" Wade happily bounded over to Peter.
"Looking for you."
"But, why?" Wade smiled and held up the bag of takeout in his hand.
"I figured since you couldn't make it to our first date, I'd bring the first date to you." Peter was staring at Wade in open-mouthed shock. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. It had sounded good when he was talking about it with the boxes. But maybe Peter didn't appreciate Wade just showing up at the hospital unannounced.
[But we brought chimichangas!]
[Chimichangas are the best fucking food in the world! How could he not want some of this? And we're in a suit!]
"I brought enough for your Aunt too, if she's hungry… I'm sorry. I should've thought this one through." That seemed to snap Peter back to reality.
"No! No! No! I'm really happy you're here! You don't even know how happy I am to see you! I'm just surprised is all. I can't believe you came to the hospital with takeout for us and Aunt May after I stood you up." Wade shrugged.
"You didn't mean was a family emergency. Besides, it's gonna make a cool story someday. How many people can say their first date was in a hospital? Who knows? Maybe some twenty-year-old fangirl will write fanfiction about it someday."
"What?"
"Don't worry about it, where's your aunt? The food is getting cold." Peter leaned in and kissed Wade on his scarred cheek and pulled him into one of the hospital rooms. Inside an older woman with white hair and a leg cast in a sling was laying in a hospital bed.
"Peter, who is that with you? He looks too handsomely dressed to be a nurse."
"Wade this is my aunt, May Parker. Aunt May this is Wade Wilson. We were kind of supposed to have a date tonight. " Wade walked up to the bed and held out his hand to shake hers.
"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Parker." May pulled Wade in for a hug and kissed him on the cheek.
"Please, call me Aunt May. It's a pleasure to meet you, young man. I'm so sorry that my clumsiness made Peter miss your date. I told him that he didn't have to stay but the boy has a stubborn streak in him. Reminds me of his uncle, Ben."
"Aunt May!" Peter was blushing bright crimson. Wade was really liking Aunt May.
"Oh hush, Peter! Now it looks like your boyfriend brought us some food."
"He's not my boyfriend Aunt May, it's just a first date."
"Peter, he showed up the hospital with takeout. I don't care if this is your first date, he's your boyfriend now. Trust me. Not what have you brought us, Wade?"
"Chimichangas and plenty of them."
"Sounds perfect. Never met a chimichanga I didn't like." It was official, Wade loved Aunt May.
[She is a precious cinnamon roll who needed to be protected at all costs.]
[Amen to that!]
Wade, Peter, and May spent the rest of the night enjoying chimichangas and May's stories of Peter when he was growing up with her and Ben. It may not have been the perfect first date but Peter and Wade wouldn't have traded it for anything else in the world. Besides, those chimichangas were the best Wade had ever eaten. And that was saying something.
Hey Guys! I love writing and reading awkward first date stories. Reminds me of my first date. We got lost, found the shitiest corn maze ever, and he flipped Chevrolet the bird when we turned around in their parking lot to get to Wendy's (he's more of a Dodge man). But it was still a memorable first date (and first kiss) and it's been three years since then and we're still going strong, so I think it worked out. Even the crappiest first dates can be perfect if you're with the right person. Be sure to keep reading, reviewing, favoriting and following. And be sure to check out my other stories in this universe. They have more Spideypool goodness and Harlivy for those of you who enjoy it as much as I do.
~ Mallorie a.k.a. Lilymaid620