"At this rate, you really should start keeping a change of clothes here." Felicity's nasally voice rang as she opened the window and walked to the kitchen. Roy jumped down from the fire escape and crawled in quickly, hoping none of her neighbors saw him. This was the second time this week he was sneaking into her apartment in the middle of the night, but he knew her mind was racing too fast to let her sleep. He slipped off his shoes and socks and began to unbutton his jeans when she came back from the kitchen with two bowls of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Roy gratefully took the bowl and proceeded to shimmy the denim fabric down his legs. Felicity disappeared down the hall as he folded his jeans and laid them over his shoes, returning in her favorite pajamas, which happened to be his thermal and a pair of short shorts, with a box of tissues and a big fleece blanket. The settled into the couch and Roy clicked on an old rerun of Say Yes to the Dress; a cliché but still her favorite show to watch when she was feeling down. Roy remembered the first night this week he slipped into her apartment; Oliver had broken her heart by saying they couldn't be together, again. Felicity had literally run into him in the hospital, completely distracted and blinded by her tears. Roy had grabbed her shoulders to stabilize her and asked her what was wrong. She couldn't speak passed the tears clogging her throat and so broke away and kept walking. Roy felt torn between going after her and continuing down the hall to see Baby Diggle. Oliver rounded the corner a few seconds later and everything clicked in his mind. They had made eye contact, and then Roy looked away, not wanting to see the regret and hurt in his mentor's eye. Roy nodded to Oliver and continued down the hall. After he visited the Diggles, while informing John of the newest development in the "Olicity love battle", as he and Diggle termed the back and forth dance they were doing around each other, Roy snuck into Felicity's apartment to see her curled on the couch with a bowl of ice cream, tissues on the end table, and Randy helping a bride who beat breast cancer find her perfect dress to hide the scar from her lumpectomy while still showing off her shoulders. Roy slipped his shoes off with more noise than necessary to let her know he was behind her and slipped under the blanket to watch the show with her. Halfway through the episode she'd snuggled into his warmth and tried so hard to stop her tears from falling as she explained her disappointment in herself for ever believing she and Oliver could be together. He nodded at the appropriate points but didn't say a word, just held her and took turns scooping ice cream out of her bowl.
Now as he repeated their earlier actions, the reason for his visit was much different. Sara was dead, and they both needed someone to help them cope. They had talked a little about her death in the Foundry and at the cemetery, but he knew she had a lot more to say. Like clockwork, at the midpoint of the episode she began to open up.
"I was so jealous of her." She sniffled. Roy tightened his arms and looked down at her. Felicity kept staring at the bride-to-be talking about the type of dress she wanted for her rustic wedding. More silenced filled the room, but Roy knew she had to think through what she wanted to say. It was kind of funny to him that she could babble for miles when she was happy or nervous, but when she was sad she took the time to choose her words carefully.
"I was so jealous of her abilities. Sara was…amazing. She was tough, she could fight, and use weapons, and she could mix poisons and analyze blood work. She could be serious one moment and laugh the next. She was full of love and life. She even had some talent with computers. I wanted to be her so badly, without truly realizing what she went through to become who she was. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, or in her case, mask I guess. I felt like because of her, I had no place on the team…or in Oliver's life. And I know I shouldn't have thought that way, but it was only a few weeks after Russia and our conversation that I was dumb enough to fall for the oldest line in the book, that he and Sara started dating. And I guess it would have been better if he'd told me they were dating instead of me waltzing into the Foundry and checking the security cameras." Felicity took a deep breath to slow her thoughts down.
"But that's not the point. The point is I was so envious of Sara and now she's dead. I feel like I'm in some way responsible for her death too. Like my corrupt thoughts went into the universe and produced Sara's death."
"Ok that's crazy." Roy broke his silence. "You are not responsible for Sara's death. You were jealous when Mommy and Daddy brought the new baby home, yes, because you had to reevaluate your place on a team that has had a big impact on your life. No one would blame you for that, but you didn't wish for her death, you didn't put her on that roof top, you didn't tell Sara's killer where she'd be, you didn't notch the killer's arrows, you didn't draw the bow, and you didn't release the string. Envious thoughts don't make you a murder."
"Then why do I feel like one?" Roy couldn't answer her, because he didn't know. He felt guilty for the last words he'd said to Sara, and at the time him calling her out on her support of Oliver because she was screwing him felt right; when Thea was in danger it felt right to go after Slade and save her and say to hell with anyone who didn't want to help. But now it all felt so wrong and pointless. Sara's death felt pointless. Roy shook his head and pulled Felicity closer into his body. He pressed a kiss to her forehead then rested his cheek into her silky hair.
"We can't bring her back, but what we can do is make sure Sara isn't forgotten. We can look after her family and her hometown. We can make sure her killer faces justice. And we can make sure that we live a life that would make her proud, by doing what we have to and still loving in the process." Felicity nodded, slightly dosing off to the sound of his voice. They watched the rest of the episode then shut the T.V. off.
"How do you think Nyssa's going to take it?" Felicity's sleepy voice filled the dark room after a period of silence.
"I think we'll be seeing her soon enough." Roy was dreading the moment, but he knew Nyssa was coming back, bow drawn, with righteous grief, rage, and fury surrounding her like her command of assassins.