The Rebirth of the Shakespearean Insult

by ghancock

This is a piece I had to do for school but I had so much fun writing the story that I have decided to share it with you all.

Gracie Hancock

4/3/2012

English Sets 3-4

Inside the molding, crumbling stone walls of Edward IV School for boys and girls, something monumental was brewing in the eight grade classroom. The "Yo Mama" joke fad had long since taken hold of America, but a different sort of insult, old as the school itself, was about to capture the youthful minds of England.

"Thou waggish clay-brained clot pole!"

"Thou yeasty white-livered rabbit sucker!"

With every insult thrown, a ripple of laughter. Mr. Evans, the antsy, stout substitute teacher shook nervously. "Now, now children, lets calm down and finish the lesson…" The blinking idiot was cut off abruptly. "Thou peevish lily-livered canker-blossom!" Yelled the notorious trouble maker Mason Edwards. The classroom erupted into snorts and chortles. "Be quiet, thou saucy evil-eyed nut-hook!" Shouted the bold class pet Elsie Rowan who was coincidently also Mason's arch-nemesis. Red faced, Mason dove into his novel and silently class continued.

Soon after class ended, Mason confronted Elsie. "Why, thou vacant mad-bred snipe, did you embarrass me in front of the whole class?" With a slight whine he demanded an answer. 'Two can play at this game', thought Elsie. "Well, thou greasy dog-hearted dogfish, you were being annoying and I actually do want to pass the eight grade." Her voice was edged with acid. "Why I oughta! Thou rank paper-faced eggshell!" Their arguing voices were drowned out by the shouts of bystanders. Neither Elsie's bouncy blonde pony tail or Mason's mad chocolate brown curls were no longer visible in the sea of people. "Thou grizzled shag-eared hedge-pig!" Screeched Elsie in all of the commotion. "STOP!" Suddenly the crowd of students muted. People parted to let the gorgeous green-eyed Florence Hall through. "Thou both purpled onion-eyed pantaloons, now stop this nonsense and get onto class!" Immediately and shamefully the student body dispersed.

No one knows why this specific day stands out prominently in their minds, whether it's because this was the day another one of Florence's trendy new hair-do's caught on, which on this particular day was the side-braid or if it's because of the cleverly thought insults, but this day will forever be known, by some few, as the Rebirth of the Shakespearean insult.