(Cue Tool Time theme song)
Heidi - Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience - It's TOOL TIME!
Heidi - That's right! And here's the host of Tool Time, the big man himself, Darth "the Tool Man" Vader!
(Applause as Darth Vader and Al Borland stride out from behind a curtain, waving)
Darth Vader - Silence, Rebel scum! It is Tool Time! You all know my assistant, Al Borland!
(applause)
Al - Hello, everybody!
Darth - And today we will be demonstrating the proper method for repairing a lightsaber's on/off switch. Al, if you would hand me my Binford hand-held metal sander
Al - Here you go, Tim
Darth - You know, Al, I bet if I sanded your mother's face with this, she might not look half-bad!
Al - That's not funny, Tim. My mother is a lovely women.
Darth - Lovely for a mynock!
(Audience laughs. Al glares at Darth)
Dark - Aw, Al, lighten up! Now, we take our metal sander and gently sand off any rough spots around the switch pot, like so.
Al - And of course we want to remind our viewers to make sure and wear protective goggles before doing any sanding!
Darth - Goggles? Hell! I can do you one better!
(He knocks his fist against his helmet. Audience laughs)
Darth - Ok, now that we're done with that, it's time to solder the switch in place.
Al - And of course we want to remind our viewers to make sure not to touch the hot end of the soldering iron!
Darth - Al, why don't you give our studio audience a demonstration of what that would look like?
Al - I don't think so, Tim.
Darth - Y'know, Al, I was thinking. Maybe a soldering iron is too small for such an important job?
Al - Tim, I don't think-
Darth - Seems to me the best way to FIX a lightsaber...
(Audience hoots as Dark Vader produces another lightsaber and switches it on)
Darth - ...is with A LIGHTSABER!
(Audience hoots and applauds. Al shakes his head in disapproval)
Al - Tim, I think we should-
Darth - More POWER! Awrk awrk awrk awrk awrk!
(Audience gives the "Arsenio" fist pump)
Audience - Woop woop woop woop woop
(Darth swings the lightsaber down onto the broken lightsaber. The entire worktable catches on fire. Al is quick to come to the rescue with a fire extinguisher)
Al - Just a reminder, folks: No workshop is complete without a top-of-the-line Binford dry chemical fire extinguisher!
(Audience hoots and applauds for Al, while Darth stands by looking a little dejected)
Darth - Alright, alright! Enough funny business! It is time to bring on today's guest! This is a man who knows construction, folks! For the past four years, he's been hard at work on what is arguably the biggest construction project the Galaxy has ever seen, the Death Star II!
(Audience hoots)
Darth - Heidi! Bring out our guest, please! Ladies and gentlemen, give a warm Tool Time welcome to Commander Jerjerrod!
(Audience applauds as Heidi leads a very nervous, shifty-eyed Commander Jerjerrod out from behind the curtain. Al shakes his hand, but Jerjerrod's eyes are on Darth Vader)
Darth - Now, Commander, perhaps you would care to explain to us all why the Death Star is not yet operational?
Jerjerrod - Lord Vader, I need more men! We cannot possibly meet our deadlines with the crews we have now! And your Binford endorsement deal? What's up with that? Binford still hasn't sent us ANY tools!
Darth - The Emperor wants results, not excuses!
Jerjerrod - But he asks the impossible!
Darth - Then perhaps you can tell him that yourself when he arrives!
Jerjerrod - The Emperor's coming here? To Tool Time?
Darth - What? NO! To the Death Star, you fucking lunatic!
Jerjerrod - Oh, right! Of course! Shit! Well, fuck it! We'll double our efforts! We'll get that pussy purring!
Darth - I hope so, Commander, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am!
Al - Commander Jerjerrod, everybody!
(Audience applauds as Jerjerrod is led away by Heidi)
Darth - Well, I'd say this was an excellent show today!
Al - Not bad at all, Tim!
Darth - I expertly fixed a lightsaber
Al - And expertly set fire to the studio!
(Audience laughs. Darth gestures at Al with his thumb and forefinger)
Al - Tim, your Sith Choke doesn't work on me, remember?
Darth - Aw, fuck it! See you next week! It is unavoidable! It is our destiny!
(Roll credits)
THE END.