Hard Truths
"Severide: Is there any chance that the baby…?"
Kelly let the door close behind him and let his duffel bag drop to the floor; he was exhausted from his shift at the firehouse, and all of the turmoil going on in his life. He looked around the room and noticed a white bag sat down on the floor beside the dresser, he shuffled slowly across the room and stopped. He quickly realised what the bag contained, the only thing that Renée seemed to have left behind after her admission that he was not the father of the baby she as carrying, and suddenly he found himself on the floor with his back against the wall and his knees up to his chest. He reached into the bag and pulled out the firefighter's outfit that she had shown him in his quarters at the firehouse, having bought it for the baby.
"Is there a chance that this baby…?" He had asked Renée after he thought about Shay's words. He had been bitter when Shay had doubted Renée, had doubted that the child was his, but all she was doing was trying to protect him and as usual she had been right. And then she had told him he wasn't, "This baby's not yours Kelly. I know how crazy this sounds, but I wasn't lying to you. And I actually convinced myself that it was yours. It was ours. You'll make a great father someday…" and just like that all the plans that he had in his head were gone, and she was gone once again.
Why did I ask? He questioned himself despite already knowing the answer to his question and that was that he needed to know the truth, although he did believe Renée when she told him she wasn't lying, that she genuinely believed that he was the father. Should I have gone after her? Told her that it didn't matter, that the baby was still mine, biologically or not, that we were a family. He shakes his head at that thought knowing that she made the choice to leave after confirming the paternity news although he hadn't stopped her either. I loved her. He admitted it to himself silently because he owed her a great deal, she had saved him and in part healed him, finding him a great surgeon who had made his return to Squad a reality. But it cost her. He knew it had, he had said goodbye to her even before the surgery, let her go to Madrid on her own despite all the plans they had made. They were happy.
There was a relief that he knew the truth, deep down, despite the fact it still hurt. He scrubbed his hands over his face tiredly as he rested his head back against the wall and let his eyes close. Did I step up because I loved her, or was it more out of obligation, not wanting to become my father abandoning a child? The thought was fleeting, the question making him uncomfortable, and despite knowing he loved her, he also knew that he never wanted to be like Benny, that he would do anything for a child or the children he fathered. But just like the other questions that were floating around in his head, he knew the answer to this one too, and that was there were equal parts of truth to both parts of the questions, he did love her and wanted the best for her and the child he thought was his but he also didn't want to follow in his father's abandoning footsteps.
He had laid awake the first night after her return once she was asleep just watching her, watching her stomach, and had rested his hand over the stretched skin feeling the baby move; it was enough to scare and excite him. He remembered the overwhelming and sudden surge of love and protectiveness he felt in that moment, feeling the child's foot pressed up against the palm of his hand, the thin skin the only thing separating them.
He heard the soft footsteps stop at his door; he opened his eyes and looked up at Shay who was leant up against the door frame, concern all over her face as she took in the scene in front of her.
Shay walked into the room and sat down beside him, letting her body touch his. She reached out and took his hand in hers bringing it to her lips and placing a kiss across the back of it.
"I'm sorry Kelly." She said softly feeling terrible for the pain she had inadvertently caused him despite just wanting the best for him.
"I needed to know the truth, and I should be the one apologising, I am sorry." He replied honestly. She always amazed him, her kindness and willingness to forgive him despite everything. Renée's return had come at the worst possible time, it had been a rough day with the prison lockdown and hostage situation, but worse still they had found out that the insemination hadn't worked and they hadn't really talked about that. It was as if all of Shay's dreams for a baby had died when Renée showed up pregnant and claiming that he was the father. And he knew without even asking that she was hurt, and she was grieving for a baby that never was.
"Want to tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" She asked breaking him out of his thoughts as she squeezed his hand, having wanted to give him a few moments before she asked as she could see there was a lot going on in his mind.
"Too much… I came to a realisation, a few really." He told her closing his eyes again.
"What realisations?" She asked knowing he was waiting for her to ask. She turned to look at him, watching his reactions and body language.
"I invested everything so quickly, was so blinded, because I don't want to be anything like Benny. I never want to abandon a child like he did with me. I grew up knowing what I didn't want to do in situations like these." He admitted even though it wasn't really a new realisation, just an old way manifesting itself in a new, in a different way.
"You're nothing like Benny, never will be. Not when it comes to your family, not with women and not with children. You're already a great man for having that realisation and being aware of it, of not wanting to repeat a parent's behaviour." She knew the man he was, had seen and experienced his caring side so often, and her heart hurt for him, for the insecurity and the damage that Benny had unknowingly done all those years ago and kept doing. She knew he carried so much of that pain, of that damage, and he held it close, never sharing it.
"I was also thinking about you." He told her as she finished speaking her final words and he opened his eyes, angling his head so that he was looking at her. He caught her surprise at his words.
"What about me?" She asked wondering where exactly he was going with it.
"We never got a chance to talk about the insemination failing." He told her straight, figuring ripping the figurative band aid off fast was better than building up to it. He saw that he had caught her off guard and almost regretted bringing it up but he knew he had too for both of their sakes.
"Things kind of changed... Couldn't really ask you to donate again when we thought you had a baby on the way... And the cost…" She trailed off completely unprepared for the change in the conversation topic.
"I know but we still need to talk about it. We were trying for a baby, together." He replied, reminding her that they were in it together, that they had been making plans to have a baby together, to raise a child together.
"I wasn't prepared for the bitter disappointment that came with the news the insemination didn't take." She admitted with a soft sigh.
"We knew there was always going to be a chance that it wouldn't take. And what about now? Where are you with it now?" He replied getting to the crux of what he wanted to know. He realised as he spoke the words why his blind acceptance of Renée's pregnancy had come so easily, it was because he was already preparing to bring a child into the world, the only difference was that it was with his blonde best friend.
"Can't really afford another round, and I don't want to ask my parents for money. With everything that has been going on, I don't want to rush." She hadn't really thought any more about it given all that had been going on around them and in their lives.
"Nothing has changed for me, not with us, not with our plan. When you're ready, all you have to do is tell me." He wanted her to know, needed her to know that he still wanted to make her dream possible. "Could even try it the old fashioned way if money is the only problem." He smirked at her, giving them both a bit of levity despite all of the seriousness that embodied the conversation.
"Nice try, but seriously I love you." She replied because she did love him, and although things had changed for each of them, they were still there for each other.
"Love you too." He replied before he kissed her temple.
"What are you going to do with that?" She asked pointed at the baby firefighters outfit that was now on the floor.
"I'll put it in one of those charity clothing bins." He answered almost immediately.
"It's alright if you want to keep it you know?" She told him, even though there was no hesitation in his answer, she figured he probably hadn't even considering keeping it. It could serve as a reminder of what he lost, and what he wanted.
"I know but why let it go to waste when some baby could be warm in it." He answered easily, the sentiment wasn't lost on him, nor was what she was trying to get across without spelling it out to him.
Neither made an effort to move off the floor, both taking comfort in the other as they let the silence take over.