Alfred's Big Bipartisan Birthday Bash
Note: Axis Powers Hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya. Any politicians and media figures who appear in this belong to themselves. This story is technically a tie-in to Partisanship, although you can probably understand this without reading that story.
Warnings: Like Partisanship, this story makes fun of various politicians and media figures, and doesn't really see liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican boundary lines- everything is fair game, and everyone gets mocked, although I feel that it's all rather good-natured. Political rivalries get skewered and politicians get into arguments regarding moon-bounces. But if you feel this might offend you, please go find something different to read. And happy Independence Day! :)
"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Rush Limbaugh groused, stuffing himself and a case of fireworks into the back of Glenn Beck's car. "There's going to be liberals everywhere! Can't we just celebrate by ourselves?"
"And miss Alfred's 235th birthday party?" Sarah Palin exclaimed. "No way! Besides, are you going to let all the LIBERALS hog him today? Why, there's no way we'd let that happen, nosirreebob!"
"She's right," Glenn Beck replied. "Now budge up, we've still got to go pick up Colbert and Stewart, and then get President Bush! How are we going to fit everyone with your fat ass taking up the entire back seat? And if I know Colbert, he's going to have that huge cooler of his full of beer!"
"Yeah, yeah," Limbaugh grumped. "I got ya. I still just don't see why we can't have our own party for him? We could have fireworks and cake and everything!"
"Because he invited us to his party," Palin interrupted. "And wherever the country tells me to go, I'll go!"
"So, WHY do we have to have this party with conservatives?" Nancy Pelosi complained. "They'll ruin the whole thing! They ruin everything!"
"Because Alfred wants them there, that's why!" Obama replied sharply. "It is his birthday, after all. And besides, remember what he said? No talking about politics! He just wants to have fun with his friends- all of his friends- and he doesn't want to see his special day wrecked by partisanship! Can you do that for me? For him? At least do it for him."
"Fine," Pelosi grumbled. "But I am not talking to Glenn Beck."
"And that's fine," Obama replied. "Just try to be polite, OK?"
"I will if they will," Joe Biden replied. "I just want to eat some cake!"
"And you will get to eat cake," Obama replied. "The chefs made six different ones, so that everyone can have their choice!"
"You're really going all-out for this," Nancy Pelosi remarked. Obama shrugged.
"Well, it's not every day you turn 235, is it? And have you seen the Clintons?"
"No, but Hillary called. They're stuck in traffic," Biden explained. Obama sighed.
"Of course, it just wouldn't be the Fourth of July in DC without it..."
On the White House lawn, Alfred adjusted the tablecloth for what seemed like the four thousandth time. Even though this whole affair had been his idea in the first place, he was worried it was going to end badly. Why the hell hadn't he done what he usually did on his birthday and gone to watch the parades and fireworks shows in his honor? Nooo, he had to have his own party, along with all of his friends! After all, he was turning 235! That was a special year! He just wanted it to be different, and in his excitement to celebrate along with the most influential figures in his government, he'd completely forgotten how much they hated each other. If he had been thinking things through, he would have had two parties- one for the liberals, and one for the conservatives, but of course, that little detail slipped his mind. Now he was going to have to deal with Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh in the same venue as President Obama and Hillary Clinton. And of course he had a feeling that Stephen Colbert was going to do something ridiculous like he usually did at these kinds of events.
"ALFRED!" a loud voice called out, snapping him out of his thoughts. Just as he turned around to see who was yelling for him, he found himself being wrapped in a tight hug, gripping him against the chest of the hugger. "Happy birthday!"
"Ooof..." Alfred said, feeling the wind knocked out of him. The hug-happy woman released him, and Alfred grinned up at her. "Hi Hillary," he greeted the former First Lady. "Do you squish everyone like that or is it just me?" he teased. Hillary laughed.
"Just you, America," she replied. Then, she presented him with a rather large box. "Happy birthday! I hope you like it! Bill and I picked it out especially for you!"
"Actually, she picked it out and I kind of just stood there," Bill Clinton added. "Hey, where is everyone else? It's 3:00 already!"
"We're right here," another female voice said. "Alfred, you have seriously got to do something about the parking in this town! We had to park all the way over by the Lincoln Memorial! And oooh, do you look so cute! I could just eat you up!"
"Please do not eat the nation, Ms. Palin," Hillary said cooly, turning to the former Alaskan governor. Palin snorted.
"It's a figure of speech, used to show affection," she replied. "Alfred knows that, right, Alfred?"
"Uh... yes," Alfred said, trying to think of a way to quickly defuse the situation. "Um, why don't you guys have some punch? It's over there on the table."
"OOOOH! PUNCH! Is it spiked?" Stephen Colbert grinned while Jon Stewart sighed.
"What do you think?" he retorted.
"Hi guys," Alfred greeted cheerily, welcoming the television pundits as Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and George W. Bush approached slowly, carrying the biggest box of fireworks that Alfred had ever seen, complete with comedy-sized bow on the top of it.
"Happy birthday!" they all shouted in unison. "It's from all of us! And we went all the way to South Dakota to get them! You can buy any fireworks you want there!" Bush continued happily. "I hope you like them, Alfred!"
"Wow. Thanks, guys," Alfred said, touched.
"I was going to bring you some moose steaks to grill out, but someone unplugged the refrigerator and they went bad," Palin continued, shooting a glare at Glenn Beck.
"HEY! It's not my fault you didn't tell me they were in there! I usually don't keep that fridge plugged in, it drains power and spikes up my electrical bill!"
"It doesn't matter," Palin sighed. "I'll just FedEx them to you."
"Who put these fireworks on my lawn!" Obama yelled, walking up to the gathered group. "Oooh! Bottle rockets! Who brought these?"
"We did," Limbaugh said proudly. Obama nodded.
"Hmmm. Seems you pundits are good for something after all!"
"Mmmmmmm... this punch is great, Alfred!" Jon Stewart interrupted. "Where'd you get it?"
"Actually, the White House kitchen staff made it for me," Alfred replied. "I'll tell them you liked it."
"Please do."
"What else are we going to have to eat?" Pelosi asked. "Although I'm sure that Ms. Palin probably brought some more of those... moose steaks of hers," she added, wrinkling her nose in distaste. Palin glared at her.
"I would have, if someone hadn't unplugged the fridge I was keeping them in."
"What a pity," Pelosi replied, not sounding like it was too much of a pity at all. The two women glared at each other so intensely that Alfred feared that the confrontation was going to escalate, but then, Stephen Colbert ran through, convieniently breaking the tension.
"You know what this party needs?" he asked rhetorically. "A MOON-BOUNCE! Good thing I brought my own!"
"You what?"
"Brought my own moon-bounce!" Colbert replied cheerily. "It's in the back of the truck! Mr. President, Ms. Clinton, will you please help me set it up?"
"A MOON-BOUNCE? FUCK YEAH I LOVE MOON-BOUNCES!" Limbaugh yelled. "I'll help!"
"..." was the general consensus as the man bounded off after the other three.
"Wow, I think that's the first and only time Rush has actually wanted to help the Democrats," Glenn Beck remarked. Everyone else just nodded along with him.
"And who would have thought that cranky old bastard liked moon-bounces, of all things?" Biden asked no one in particular. "Did you know that, Alfred?"
"Well, I've never met anyone who didn't like them," Alfred replied diplomatically.
"Hell, I've always wanted a moon-bounce of my own!" George Bush added. "I'll have to ask him where he got it."
Believe it or not, with everyone's help, the moon-bounce was set up and going strong. "Alfred, it's your party! You get to go first!" Colbert exclaimed. "Just take your shoes off first!" Still a bit surprised by the weird turn the events of the day had taken, Alfred nodded and removed his shoes, climbing into the bounce house. It was surprisingly fun, he noticed, as he hopped around. He didn't feel as ridiculous as he had thought he would. Before too long, the entire party had found itself in the moon-bounce, despite Colbert's angry yells at various partygoers. "LIMBAUGH YOU DUMBASS, TAKE YOUR DAMN SHOES OFF! And, uh, Mr. President, with all due respect, you too. Don't pop my moon-bounce!"
"This is actually really fun!" Pelosi said, Palin and Hillary Clinton agreeing with her. Bill Clinton and George Bush were doing some sort of weird bounce house tango, hopping about and laughing uproariously. Biden was lying down on the spongy surface, chilling, while Glenn Beck jumped as high as he could, trying to send him flying through the air.
Alfred had to laugh. Surprisingly, everyone was getting along about as well as could be expected. At the very least, no brawls had broken out among the guests yet, and they were conversing rather civilly, with the exception of Pelosi getting into a minor shouting match with Beck when they accidentally collided with each other in the moon-bounce.
"Hey! Look! Cake!" Colbert shouted randomly, gesturing out the mesh window of the bounce house. Indeed, the kitchen staff had come out with a gigantic cake on a platter, complete with three candles in the shape of a two, a three, and a five. "Sorry sir, we couldn't get 235 single candles to fit on it," the chef said apologetically.
"No, no problem at all!" Alfred replied. "It's wonderful."
"We made it with coffee-flavored frosting, your favorite, sir," another staffer said. "There are five other cakes in various flavors we'll bring out, so that everyone can have their pick."
"Impressive," Jon Stewart muttered, everyone nodding in agreement.
"Come on, what are we waiting for?" Bill Clinton asked. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU-"
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR ALFRED, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOU!" everyone sang (rather off-key, to be honest). Alfred grinned widely. It was so nice when his politicians would put aside their biases long enough to have a party. And the fact that his birthday was the party in question only made it better.
"Thanks, everyone," he said.
"Come on, what are you waiting for?" Bush exclaimed. "Blow out the wish and make a candle! Er..."
"It's OK, George, he knows what you meant," Hillary grinned.
Alfred closed his eyes, and thought very hard. Please, Birthday God or whoever is out there- let this last forever. Let them stop fighting amongst themselves long enough to actually do something good for the people. Please, I want an end to all of this partisanship! With his wish firmly in mind, the country took a deep breath and blew out the candles, to raucous applause.
"YEAH!" someone cheered (Alfred couldn't tell who, but he had a feeling it was either Beck or Colbert).
"What did you wish for, Alfred?" Palin asked curiously, earning herself a long-suffering sigh from Jon Stewart.
"Don't you know anything? He can't tell anyone what he wished for, else it won't come true!" the fake news pundit groused. "Do you not have birthdays in Alaska or something?"
"We do so!"
After having cake and a delicious dinner of hamburgers (of course), it was finally dark enough to light off the fireworks. "Wow, you really went all out," Obama said, impressed, looking through the large boxes of fireworks brought. "But I don't think we can light the mortars... I don't want the Secret Service tackling me."
"Fair enough," George Bush said magnanimously. "He's right, you know- the Secret Service would freak."
"Then we'll go light them off at my place later," Palin said. "We're allowed to do whatever in Alaska. Alfred, how would you like to stay with me and my family for a few days?"
"He can't," Obama replied. "Official government business."
"Oh, I see." She probably would have gone on, but was interrupted by a horde of excited politicians and pundits tromping through, lit sparklers aloft.
"LOOK! I'm writing my name!" Pelosi yelled, waving her sparkler about like a madwoman. Bill Clinton laughed.
"Hehehehe... look, I'm drawing!"
"Look! I'm an air traffic controller!" Glenn Beck yelled, holding a sparkler in each hand and waving them back and forth as he walked backwards.
Alfred couldn't help it. The sight was so hilarious that he couldn't help but crack up. He held his stomach as he laughed loudly, trying hard to remain upright. Everyone stopped what they were doing, worried about the fate of their nation. Alfred hadn't laughed that much since WWII had finally ended, something that none of the visitors had been present for. "Are you alright?" Hillary asked. Alfred calmed down long enough to respond to her.
"I'm fine. I just wish that we could do this every day. Now, hand me some firecrackers!"
/END
Author's Comments:
Yes, I know that there's no way in hell that any of these politicians and pundits would be able to stand each other's company long enough to have a party, but it's the Fourth of July. In my own head-canon, whatever Alfred says on the Fourth, goes. And if you've read Partisanship, they're all pretty much acting the same way that they do in that story, although this is the first time I've tried to write them all together at once.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and happy Fourth of July, if you're American. If you're not, then happy Fourth of July anyway, because it's still the 4th no matter where you are in the world (except maybe Australia, where it might be the 5th already).
-GoesKaboom 7.4.2011