Opening up to others about his feelings wasn't something Andy Flynn was very good at. Which was sort of odd, because in many ways, he was an open book most of the time. It was a curious contradiction.
But Sharon was different. Over the year and a half they've been going out to dinners and spending time together, it was hard for him not to notice how introverted she was. In a private setting, she was funny, deep, insightful, smart, honest and even flirtatious at times, but Andy could tell that all of these were just the tip of the iceberg; she kept her emotions bottled up, and heavily guarded, her defenses so strong that even Andy had to admit that he didn't know her as well as he wanted. But now that the matter of their relationship was addressed by Rusty and Nicole, there was no way around it. They needed to have an honest conversation and sort things out.
Now she was sitting across from him on the couch in his living room, her back straight, her legs crossed. She held a mug full of tea close to her body, as if it was a shield. Andy was surprised that she agreed to come over and have this conversation at his place. Dinner was in the oven and they had enough time to talk before it would be ready.
"So, you know…" he started. "I was thinking about the situation we got into," he found it difficult to look her in the eyes. "And I even spoke to my therapist about it," Sharon's eyes widened in surprise. "And he said that I should be completely honest with you."
"I'm listening," Sharon said, her expression not giving away her emotions.
"So first of all, I want to apologize. Using you to get closer to Nicole was wrong. I shouldn't have done that." Andy said.
"No, you shouldn't have," Sharon agreed.
"And initially, I really just needed you as a buffer, you know?" he took a sip of his tea. He didn't really drink tea before he and Sharon started spending time together. She introduced him to a wonderful world of herbal teas and he found that he liked it. "But with time, our friendship grew stronger, and recently, I started thinking that I want more than that." He was still unable to decipher Sharon's expression and it unnerved him. "And you have to understand, I never told Nicole that you and I were together, but in an unconscious manner, I started behaving and feeling like we were a couple whenever we spent time together. Sometimes I felt like we might move into that territory, but I was waiting for a sign from you."
"So what you're saying is that you saw our outings as dates?" Sharon asked, her voice low.
"Well, not exactly. You see…" Andy paused and took another sip of his tea. "Let me explain it in a different way; a while ago, my therapist asked me to do this exercise in session. He wanted me to close my eyes and imagine what it would be like if you and I were a couple and he wanted me to describe it," he said. If Sharon was shocked to hear that he had spoken to his therapist about her on several occasions, she didn't show it. "So when you and I were going out to say, dinner, I'd do that exercise. I'd pretend that we were on a date, even though I knew we weren't."
"For how long have you been doing this?" Sharon wondered.
"A few months," Andy admitted.
"So why didn't you tell me about it?"
"I tried to, the day we went to The Nutcracker. When I came into your office, I wanted to tell you that I had… have feelings for you and that maybe we should explore this option, but you shot me down; you didn't let me finish what I wanted to say." The memory of that day made Andy feel frustration all over again. "And after that night, you seemed angry at me. Are you still angry?" Sharon took a long sip of her tea and stared into her mug for a moment before looking at him again.
"I am not angry, Andy. I am confused," Sharon said. Andy waited for her to continue, but it seemed like she didn't have more to say about the matter, or at least not anything she could handle saying.
"Look, Sharon, I just opened up to you about my feelings and I know you don't feel comfortable talking about yours, but would you please not shut down right now? I want to understand you, but I can't if you don't tell me about it."
"You want me to be honest," Sharon said softly and Andy nodded. Sharon sighed and looked into her mug again, biting her bottom lips as she tried to translate her emotions into words. "The thing is, Andy, that I didn't think of us like that; I couldn't really think about us like that because I… you have to understand, Andy, I've been on my own for so long that the idea of love is completely foreign to me." Rosiness spread across Sharon's cheeks as the admission left her mouth.
"What are you talking about, Sharon? You're full of love. You're one of the most loving people I know."
"Not that kind of love," Sharon sighed. "Andy, I only fell in love once in my entire life. I thought it would last forever, I really did. And when things became hard between Jack and me, I thought that love would conquer all if I just try hard enough, but nothing worked and it was impossible to salvage my marriage," Sharon paused and for the first time that evening, Andy could see in her eyes all the repressed feelings that she usually hid from him - sadness, disappointment, hurt and anger. She must have held them inside for years, because her gaze was so rich with them and so intense that Andy felt tears stinging in his eyes. "I'm not good at romance, Andy. I don't understand that kind of love and I don't recognize it when I see it." The mug was shaking in her hand and Andy reached out and took it from her; he placed it on the coffee table and then took her hand in his.
"So you're a little slow to figure out that I'm into you, that's not a big deal," Andy said.
"It seemed like the entire world knew about it before I did," Sharon stared at their joined hands and sighed inaudibly.
"Look, it doesn't matter how you found out about it. What I think you should think about is if you want to try and feel that kind of love again, and if you want to do that with me," Andy said, hoping that his words would help her focus.
"I like you, Andy, a lot," she uttered the words carefully. "And I suppose that our friendship could transform into something more if we give it a shot, so maybe… maybe we should go on a real date. What do you think?"
"I think that sounds like a great plan, Sharon." The oven timer dinged loudly and startled the both of them. "It seems like dinner is ready," Andy said and they got off the couch and walked to the kitchen. Sharon set the table while Andy took the vegetarian lasagna out of the oven and placed a bowl of beetroot salad on the table. Sharon love that salad, and Andy thought back of a dinner that they had a few months earlier in a vegan restaurant; Andy had ordered beetroot salad and Sharon admitted to him that she has never tried eating beetroot. That evening, she barely touched her own food and they ended up sharing the salad. Since that evening, he always made beetroot salad for her when they planned to have dinner at his place.
Andy pulled the chair for her and she sat down. He served her lasagna and then took his own seat in front of her and served himself. Their dinner was uneventful, and they spoke about their regular subjects: family, friends, movies, baseball and books.
"So, ummm… do we consider this evening a date?" Sharon asked hesitantly as they cleared the table.
"No," Andy replied. "We started this evening as friends, so we should probably decide that tonight you and I are just good friends spending time together and the next time we have dinner, we will be a potential couple on their first date." Sharon considered the idea for a moment and then nodded in satisfaction. She looked into his eyes and then wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a hug, resting her head on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" Andy asked, gently wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Yes, I'm just closing my eyes and trying imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with you," Sharon said quietly, referring to the his therapist's exercise.
"Then I should do the same thing," Andy said and closed his eyes. They stood there for nearly an hour, each of them imagining their best case scenario of a relationship between them, before they pulled apart and looked into each other's eyes. They both felt the sudden magnetic pull towards each other but stopped just shy of an inch from each other's mouths. "It's not a date," Andy whispered and Sharon nodded, pulling away from him but still remaining in his arms.
Next time, they promised themselves. In the meantime, they needed something to look forward to.