Memories
Summary: Losing a best friend is hard, losing a sister is harder. Lucy reflects on Susan after they return from Narnia.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Chronicles of Narnia.
A/N: This is for my best friend Niki, who is more like a sister to me than anything. She has been there for every moment of my life since I was ten and we have shared ups and downs, from helping me through depression, to parties, to boys, to bitching and to pouring alcohol in punches at New Years. Our lives no longer run along the same path, but we will always be there for each other.
It had only been days since they had stepped back through the tree from Narnia and into the train station. Lucy was sad to leave Narnia but she knew and hoped that she would see it again some day. She noted that Edmund was quieter and Peter more withdrawn and neither of them wanted to talk with her about Narnia. But the biggest change she noticed was in her sister Susan who had barely spoken a word since they had gotten home.
Lucy missed Narnia and she knew Susan missed it more and hoped that she would hold onto the hope that they would indeed go back some day.
She wrapped an arm around Susan as the stared out at the night sky and all the stars above them that were shining brightly. They reminded her of happiness, of peace, something that her sister wasn't filled with at the moment. Lucy gently took her sisters hand and squeezed it tightly. Susan turned her head slightly to gaze at Lucy and she gazed right back and smiled slightly. Her sister did not return the smile, instead she stood up and left where they were sitting.
Lucy sighed at got up before heading to bed, hoping that her sister would return to normal soon.
A few weeks had passed since the return from Narnia and her brothers seemed to be getting better, they were more lively, more fun to be around. But Susan hadn't changed, she was still quiet only answering when spoken to and saying no more then she needed to. She looked after Lucy with the same care as before except it seemed more forced then anything.
Lucy had been counting the days since they had gotten back. It had been a month and a half, forty-five days to be exact and she was really beginning to miss her sister.
One night she made her way into Susan's room to find her beautiful sister staring at herself in the mirror and tracing her features with her fingers as if trying to memorise the keys on a piano. Lucy watched for a moment before knocking softly on the already open door. Susan turned around to look at her after the knock and Lucy saw clearly that her eyes were foggy with tears.
"Oh Susan," she breathed stepping into the room. "What's happened?"
Susan shook her head and sat down on her bed. "Nothing Lucy," she said quietly. "Your just imaging things."
Lucy scrunched up her nose. "It's something Su. Tell me please." She hated begging but she needed and wanted her sister to tell her what was wrong, she wanted to comfort her and tell her that everything was alright like Susan had done for her when she was in need.
"You're being silly Lu," she said coldly before lying down and covering herself with her blanket. "Nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be wrong."
"But -"
"Maybe you should go to bed Lucy, it is getting late."
Lucy obeyed her sister knowing that she wouldn't find out what was wrong for a while, not until her sister was willing to open up and continue to live her life the way she used to.
Susan had always been there for Lucy and now Lucy had to be there for her elder sister. She didn't know what to do or what to say, she was only the younger sister after all. She had tried to comfort Susan after leaving Narnia for the second time but nothing would work.
She could see that Susan was slowly shutting herself off from the rest of the world, from her family and she wasn't going to come back anytime soon. Lucy hated to see her sister like this, she wanted nothing more then to comfort her and tell her that it was alright and encourage her to believe but she didn't know how.
So she sat across from her sister silently and watched as Susan continued to ignore her. Her elder sister was reading a book, something that she never did especially around Christmas when the whole family got together and celebrated.
"Do you want to help me decorate the tree?" Lucy asked as Susan turned another page on her book.
Susan glanced up at her. "Why don't you ask Ed or Peter," she suggested.
Lucy sighed but wouldn't give up. "I'd much rather you help me."
"I think you're old enough to decorate the tree yourself now Lucy," Susan replied as she looked back down at her book.
Lucy stood up angrily and strode out of the room only to run into Peter who was coming down the stairs. Tears were swelling up in her eyes quickly and she just wanted to retreat to her room but Peter wouldn't let go of her shoulders. "What's wrong Lu?" he asked, worry lacing his voice.
"Susan," she spat. "That's what's wrong."
Peter let go of her shoulders and ran up the stairs locking herself in her room for the rest of the night.
"You could be easier on Lucy you know," she heard Peter scold at Susan.
"Sorry your Highness," Susan retorted.
Lucy knew her brother well and could tell he was running his hand through his hair. "You've changed Su. What happened?"
"Nothing happened," came Susan's usual reply. "I don't know why you all think I've changed."
"But you have Susan. Ever since we came back from Narnia," - she heard Susan suck in a breath - "you've been acting strangely. Does it have to do with us not going back or Caspian?"
"Don't say those names," Susan hissed. "They don't exist. None of it exists. It was all some silly little game we played when we were little."
"If it was some silly little game why are you acting like this then? Why are you acting as if it was real and you were actually heart broken?"
"Peter, please just leave it alone," she pleaded helplessly. The door of Susan's room which they had been conversing in flew open and Peter looked at Lucy hopelessly before exiting, his cheeks red with anger.
Lucy looked at her sister, who stared straight back which was something she never did anymore. Susan opened her mouth but nothing came out.
"Please Susan," she didn't know what she was asking for, probably forgiveness for listening into the conversation or probably for her sister to change back to who she was before they left Narnia for the second time.
Susan nodded and stepped forward to hug her sister tightly. "I'm so sorry Lucy."
Months later Lucy was interpreting Susan's sorry in a different way. A first she had thought that it meant that change was coming, that her sister was going to try and return to normal but now she was interpreting it in a different way. The sorry now meant that less to her because she knew now that her sister was sorry for what was going to come, for more changing.
Lucy watched as Susan put on some lipstick and fixed her hair. She looked stunning, not that Lucy would tell her that, she already had enough boys following her around.
"Why are you doing this Susan?" she asked as her sister fixed her hair again.
"I don't know what you mean Lucy," Susan replied before putting some makeup in her handbag.
"I thought you loved Caspian and yet here you are ready to go out with some random that you met at some party."
"John isn't random," she replied seriously. "He's in Peter's year."
Lucy shook her head as Susan left the room to go on her date. "You look good by the way," she called softly after her sister knowing she wouldn't hear.
"Why do you want to go to America anyway?" Lucy asked as Susan packed her bag.
"Why wouldn't I?" Susan replied. "I'm sure if mother and father offered to take you, you'd surely say yes."
Lucy being the Valiant Queen she was decided to try one last time. "Do you remember anything at all?"
"Anything about what?" Susan always seemed to answer Lucy's questions with more questions.
"About," she hesitated before saying the name, "Narnia."
She saw her sisters jaw tighten. "Narnia does not exist. It was some silly little game we played when we were little. You're growing up now Lucy, she should really act like it."
Lucy hesitated in the door way to Susan's room. She had just come back from her cousins and Susan had gotten back from America.
"Hello Susan," she said softly wishing they could talk like they used to. "Did you enjoy America?"
Susan grinned and Lucy smiled at her sister, it was the first time she had seen her happy for a while. "Oh Lu," Susan gushed. "It was utterly fantastic."
Lucy really wanted to ask her if she wanted to talk about her trip to her cousins and about herself and Edmund going back to Narnia and seeing Caspian but she kept her mouth shut. "Did you take pictures?" she asked, urging on her sisters happiness.
"Oh, yes." She sounded so excited that Lucy couldn't bring herself to tell her about her recent trip. "Would you like to see them?"
Lucy nodded eagerly and listened as Susan rambled on about her trip to America and everything she had seen. Once she had finished Lucy heard her ask, "She how was your trip to our cousins?"
Lucy shrugged her small shoulders. "Boring. Tell me more about America."
She couldn't, nor wouldn't tell her sister about the trip with Caspian in Narnia.
"Susan it's been years," Lucy pleaded. "Why can't you just tell me what made you change."
"Lucy," Susan said angrily. "Why must you always bring this up."
"Answer me Susan." She had tried being kind about it and not forcing her but she was getting tired of this whole things, she wanted the old Susan back, the one that used to laugh with her and her brothers, the one that still believed in the place that they all called home, that was grown up but still didn't like the make up and the boys. She wanted her best friend, her sister to talk to her like they used to and tell each other what was wrong.
Susan was crying now and she didn't know why. She placed a gentle hand on her sister shoulder in order to comfort her but instead brought more tears.
"You don't know how hard it is," Susan sobbed. "To forget about the place you call home, to live without the one you love. It was so hard a first, but I learnt to shut it away and the pain went with it as well. But you, you couldn't let go and you even got Peter and Edmund to talk to me which reminded me so much of back there, so much of him."
"Susan, I didn't know," Lucy said softly, tears brimming in her eyes.
Susan shrugged Lucy's hand off her shoulder. "Of course you didn't. Nobody knew, nobody could know what it feels like to be me. So I'm so sorry if I've been ruining your life by being miserable."
"You haven't -"
"Admit it Lucy," she said forcefully. "You've been unhappy because of me. You've probably been back to Narnia behind my back and haven't told me because you didn't want to hurt me. Well you hurt me more alright. So can you just leave me alone."
Lucy stretched out her arms to hug her sister, but Susan shied away from the touch and Lucy left the room feeling emptier then before.
Memories flashed across Lucy's eyes. Memories of herself and her sister before Narnia when they were frightened, during the first time they were there, when they were incredibly happy, when the whole family was happy. Memories of them after the first time they left when they were sad and lonely and during the Revolution when they were happier then they could of imagined and memories of the time that had spent together afterwards during the time when Susan lost all hope, all faith in Narnia. Lucy could feel Edmund next to her as she slowly died and thought of her sister and all the times they had shared.
Lucy smiled sadly, back many years ago she had lost her best friend, her sister and now the same thing would happen to Susan. Susan would lose her sister that meant to world to her and feel the loss of somebody you cared about as they slipped away from you. Susan would cry the many tears Lucy had for the loss of her best friend that had been by her side as she slowly drifted away, she would cry more tears for the sister that she loved more then anything in the world.
Lucy hoped that with her death Susan would find herself and realise that she was wrong all along and that all she need was faith and that she had never needed to changed. As Lucy died quickly she thought of Aslan and prayed that he would guide her safely - and Susan when her time came - to the afterlife.
Their lives were no longer living in the same world, or running along the same path, but Lucy knew that they would always be there for each other.
This is my first Narnia Fan Fiction, so review and tell me what you think.
Nice reviews are welcome, flamers can go away.
- BFC