I'm probably deleting this tomorrow.
There was no such thing as a quiet night at the Boar Hat.
Someone was always screaming, always singing, always yelling into their pillow about how Diane won't love them. The criminally thin walls and floors of the tavern made it feel like an echochamber of idiocy, like the stone bricks of the building were lined with speakers playing nothing but white noise.
And poor Meliodas had to take it all.
Meliodas was behind his bar counter, stacking his shelves with the liquor he had just recently bought from a nearby town. He'd needed to restock for a while [specifically, since Ban started living there], so he thought he'd take the chance while they had the luxury of having thrown off the Holy Knights' scent for now. As he picked up a bottle from one of the wooden crates, he couldn't help but despairingly think that most of this alcohol would either go to Ban or himself.
Setting down the bottle on the display shelf behind him, Meliodas leaned down to pick up another one as he was suddenly hit by a powerfully annoying sound coming from upstairs. It could best be described as a mix of screaming and wailing, and the voice it came from was very gravelly.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Ban yelled out from his room. Meliodas' grip tightened around the neck of the bottle in contempt, almost cracking the glass. As the cry faded out, Meliodas put down the bottle and looked up at the ceiling, wondering what the hell was happening with Ban, as it happened a second time.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!", he yelled again. As it faded out, it was accompanied by the sound of doors upstairs swinging open. Meliodas was starting to consider seeing if Ban's regeneration had limits to it, and if he was willing to test those limits tonight. Before the next cry, Meliodas could hear a monotone voice upstairs accompanied by footsteps.
"Hey Ban, are you dying? If so, can I help you die faster?" Gowther asked.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Ban yelled yet again. It was clear this wasn't going to stop anytime soon.
"I'm also okay with helping you die slower. Whichever one you prefer the least."
Three hours later, it was almost midnight. Meliodas was huddled under the bar counter, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. The screams only got worse, like Ban somehow found a new octave of annoying with each exhale. Meliodas didn't know what would happen first, if he would go deaf or if Ban's throat would give out, but the exhausted Irishman was hoping for the former.
As Meliodas was just about ready to jab himself in the neck with his own broken sword, he heard something else- footsteps walking down the staircase.
"BOYFRIEND!", yelled out Elizabeth. "WE'RE LEAVING!"
Meliodas crawled out from under the counter, seeing Elizabeth, Gowther, King, and even Hawk standing by the front door. "The fuck do you mean, you're leaving?", he asked.
"We're going out to get away from Ban." Hawk explained. "We can't stand this anymore!"
"Bye, Captain. Enjoy the tinnitus." Gowther swung open the door, and the four ran off into the darkness of the forest. Meliodas hoped he would never have to see them again.
As Meliodas prepared to re-orient himself in the fetal position and wait until his eardrums gave out, the screaming momentarily stopped. After a couple seconds, he noticed that it hadn't started again. He thought it couldn't be true, that in just a few seconds it would just start back up, but instead all he heard were footsteps, again, down the stairs.
"I thought they'd never leave." Ban said, jovially hopping off the staircase and onto the wooden floor. "It's just you and me, Cappy."
Meliodas looked at Ban with a mix of anger and confusion. "Wait, what? Were you screaming-"
"Just to chase them out of the house." Ban proceeded to make his way over to the bar and snatch a bottle of booze from a crate. "You want a drink? My throat is parched."
By a series of circumstances that mainly surrounded the words "fuck it", Meliodas found himself at one of his tables, sitting across from Ban and pouring two steins of sweet relief.
"So Ban, would you mind explaining why the fuck you were screaming like an ape during a vasectomy?" Meliodas asked, sliding the other stein across the table to Ban before taking a hefty indulgence in his own.
"I needed to talk." Ban said, nervously tapping his fingers along the rim of the mug. "You know that's it's June, right? Month of… pride?"
"Ban, I don't know where that arse Escanor is, and I don't care." Meliodas told him, his mind immediately going to his own faction's lion sin of pride. Sensing this conversation would be a long one, he started taking a much, much longer swig of his drink.
Ban took in a deep breath, looking down into his stein of ale. "Cappy… I think I'm bisexual."
Meliodas' eyebrows raised as he parted the mug from his lips. "Oh… cool."
"Wha- COOL? That's all you have to say?", questioned Ban, who wasn't really offended as much as confused.
"I don't know what to fucking say!" Meliodas replied. "We have a literal fairy in our group, I ain't gonna judge that you play for both teams."
"Fair." Ban took the first sip of his drink, no longer feeling nervous. "It's just that… have you ever met another dude who… y'know, likes other dudes?"
"Ban, you would not believe the shit that went down in the boy's dorms at Liones before you showed up." Meliodas took another long swig of ale before slamming it back on the table with a mighty exhale. "Lot of guys… experimenting."
"Were you one of them?" Ban bluntly asked.
"I… I was." Meliodas was blushing a little, either from embarrassment, drunkenness, or both. "Those were wild times." The blond lad got up from his chair and walked back towards the bar counter, momentarily looking through the stacked crates for something strong before pulling out a bottle. "I'm going to sleep. Night, Ban."
"Night, Cappy." Ban watched as Meliodas ascended up the staircase, liquor in hand.
A little while later, Ban was back upstairs, lying on his bed as his eyes grew tired. He was glad his tactic of incessant screaming worked out, proud of the next-level psychological warfare he was able to pull. He could feel he was reaching maximum drunk, at least as much as he could without his liver exploding again. And as his eyes grew heavier, he was suddenly startled by a loud yell coming from the next room over.
"OY, BAN!", yelled Meliodas, who was slurring his words quite hard. "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"
Ban sprung out of bed, stumbling out his door and walking over to Meliodas' room. Turning the doorknob hesitantly, he opened the door to see something he never thought he would in a million years.
Meliodas was laying on the bed, completely nude. In one hand, he had the bottle of liquor he took up with him earlier, which was now half empty. His other hand was around his throbbing erection, basking in the sliver of moonlight from through the closed curtains.
"Cappy, what is this?" Ban asked, a little startled at this series of events, though deep down, he felt like he knew where this was going.
"I told you Ban, I like to experiment." Meliodas said seductively, standing up and placing the bottle on his nightstand. "Now, come over here and take a bite out of this twinkie."
Ban smiled, licking his lips. Meliodas walked towards Ban, pulling him into a tight embrace. He began to unbuckle Ban's pants, dropping them to the floor as they ran back to the bed, practically leaping onto the mattress- and onto each other.
Ban leaned in and kissed Meliodas, their tongues clashing like a swordfight of pure drunken lust. He could feel's Ban's erection hardening against his thigh, wrapping his arms around the blue-haired bandit's neck and pulling him in for one final passionate kiss before Ban lifted his face from Meliodas' lips.
"Hey, Cappy." Ban leaned over and whispered into his ear.
"What is it, Ban?"
"Gimme your sword."
It was time for the captain to take charge.
As Ban's chest raised up, Meliodas swinged around onto his back, mounting him doggy-style. He thrusted his cock into the bandit, a wave of euphoria hitting the both of them. Meliodas felt like he was back in Liones, just another Saturday night with the guys. And for the first time in his immortal life, Ban felt truly alive.
"Oh… oh yeah, Cappy. Give it to me!" Ban yelled out. "GIVE IT TO ME!"
Meliodas didn't care that Ban was an annoying, self-absorbed nuisance right now. He didn't care what the rest of the Sins would think. There was no rhyme or reason right now, no right or wrong, nothing else in this world- except him and Ban. He could feel he was close to climaxing, and Ban could feel it too.
"Take this, you fucking bandit!" Meliodas shouted, feeling a strong release as the two fell on opposite sides of the bed. They stared into each other's eyes, beginning to drift off, with no regrets for what they just did.
The next morning, Meliodas awoke in a groggy and slightly hungover state. He couldn't really remember anything after going upstairs with the bottle of liquor, so his first assumption was that he got drunk and fell asleep. That assumption soon changed, as he opened his eyes to see Ban next to him, draped in sheets and sleeping peacefully.
"Ahh! What the fuck?" Meliodas exclaimed, realizing that he wasn't wearing any clothes. The shout woke up Ban, who was equally groggy and taking in his surroundings.
"Cappy?" Ban said, realizing where he was. A couple vague memories were coming back to the both of them, but good lord, they wish they could've been more vague.
"Ban! Did… did we-?"
"I think we did!" Ban looked under the sheets wrapped around himself to find he was completely nude. "What the fuck?!"
"I… I can't… WHY?" Meliodas stuttered, trying to rationalize the situation he was in. Before he could say another word, the two heard the door open accompanied by a familiar monotone voice.
"Captain, why are you shouting-?" Gowther peaked his head through the slightly opened door, his eyes widening to see what was before him. "Oh. OH!"
Meliodas turned away from the two in shame, looking over at his nightstand and seeing the half empty liquor bottle. Ban leaned over to the captain. "Look Cappy, I-"
Meliodas glanced angrily at Ban. "Not. One. Fucking. Word."
I'm going to hell for this, aren't I?