THE ADVENTURES OF JERRY BRUCKHEIMER AND SPOKES THE DOG

By David Solomon

CHAPTER 1: DIFFICULT EASY BAKE OVEN

"We need a good idea, Marvyl" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer pointed out.

"I need to have a real job," Again Diagnoser Marvyl Von Kalamazooson added.

"Titanic made a lot of money. Why don't I just get Randal Wallace to rip that off?"

"But James Cameron would purchase your small intestine and choke you to death!"

"Bah! I'll just have him change the setting from the Titanic to Pearl Harbor."

"But that makes no sense!"

"Does it, Marvyl? Does it? Ask yourself that next time you organize a party in your bathroom. By the way, I think I left my portable Easy Bake Oven in your toilet. You didn't happen to flush the toilet again since last year?"

"What toilet?"
"Uh oh." Jerry had inadvertently left his Easy Bake Oven in the clutches of Spokes, Marvyl's dog.

"You realize he won't give it back to you unless you win a game of Death Basketball against him?"
"I guess I have no choice," Jerry reflected.

For the uninformed, Death Basketball is like regular Basketball, except you play with someone's severed head.

At Josh Harnett's house on Jupiter…

"Hello, Josh?" Jerry asked, knocking on his door.

A green alien wearing a thong and a t-shirt answered the door.

"Josh? Are you okay?"

"I've been waiting for you, you goddamn son of a bitch." He shoved a pistol into Jerry's head. "Get in."
"What is it?" Jerry was rather confused.

"You know damn well what it is!" Josh pulled a sock out of his drawer that had morphed into a pigeon. "All of my socks are like this! And I know you did this to me just because your jealous of me!"

"Jealous? Why would I be jealous?"

"Because I have this!" Josh pulled out a carrot.

Jerry sighed. "Josh, I have many carrots at home. I don't need yours."
"Are you kidding? This carrot can read the minds of others!" He spun it around, and threw it at the wall. But before he hit the wall, Josh screamed really quickly, "what'sjerrythinkingofrightnow?" And the carrot hit the wall, and landed in a trash can.

Jerry sighed. Josh began crying. "Life hasn't been the same since the planets have come out of alignment! I've been noticing strange freaks appearing on my front door, asking for maroon rocks!"

"Josh, it's okay," Jerry began. "You just need to stop acting like a psychotic freak. And…" With a wave of his giant cleaver, Jerry chopped off the head of Josh Harnett, the resident alien of Jupiter. He took his head back to Earth, where Spokes was waiting impatiently on a basketball court.

"I can see you've been taking steroids," Spokes commented.

"What are you talking about?" Jerry asked. "I've never taken steroids before!"

"Whatever. Do you have a head?"
"Spokes, I present to you, Josh Harnett!" Jerry pulled the severed head of Josh out of a bag he was holding. "Have you got the liquid rubber?"

"Do I?" Spokes ran off for a second, and came back pushing a giant tub of liquid rubber the size of a small cottage.

"Isn't that a bit much?" Jerry asked. "We only need to rub a little over the face."

"Not the way I play!" Spokes climbed to the top and opened the cap. "Give me the head!"

Jerry threw the head up to Spokes, who promptly attached the head to a fishing reel, and dunked the head in. About an hour later…

"Spokes, is this going to take much longer?" Jerry asked.

"Almost…there!" Spokes yanked the head out of the giant container of liquid rubber. "Here, catch!" Spokes threw the head at Jerry. Jerry missed the catch, however, and the head proceeded to bounce up into the atmosphere.

"I think you overdid it a little with the liquid rubber," Jerry replied.

"It'll come back down," Spokes pointed out. So they waited. And waited. And waited. After about 2 or 3 hours, the head came down, only it was on fire.

"Oh, God. RUN!!" The flaming head of Josh Harnett came down with a BANG, demolishing the entire basketball court. Fortunately, Spokes and Jerry were already out of the way enough so that they were only knocked against a wall by the explosion.

"Sweet Jesus!" Spokes shouted. "What have we done?"
"WE done?" Jerry asked. "You're the one that let the head absorb half a ton of liquid rubber!" They would have continued to argue, but they both noticed the flaming head bouncing back up into the atmosphere.

"Oh my God." They both looked up. "Say, Spokes, can you just give me my Easy Bake Oven? I don't think this is going to work."

"Absolutely! Not! Actually, I would give it back to you, but I think it's broken."
"What makes you think that?"

"I broke it."

"Jeez…" Jerry sighed. "Wait a minute, you're a dog! How can you talk?"
"Woof woof?"

"Okay, that's NOT FUNNY! I am not schizophrenic! DO NOT TRY AND TRICK ME!!!!!"
"Calm down, Jerry. Man, you are tense!"

"Maybe that's because the basketball court just got blown up by a FLAMING HEAD DOUSED IN LIQUID RUBBER!!"

"What the hell happened?" Screamed one of several punks prepared to play basketball on the court that was now blown up.

"Well, you see it's a funny thing…" Jerry and Spokes ran off to the office.

"You WHAT?" Marvyl asked.

"It was all his fault!" Jerry pointed to Spokes. "You're only supposed to rub a little liquid rubber over the head! But noooooooooooooo. Spokes insisted that he knew what he was doing."

"Well, it worked fine with human heads! But Jerry had to get an alien head!"
"Shut up, the both of you!" Marvyl stood up and walked towards the window. "It just disappoints me that a famous Hollywood producer and a dog could cause so much-"

All of a sudden, the flaming head of Josh Harnett came down right next to the skyscraper they were in, caused a small but important explosion, and bounced back up. The building began to shake, and then slowly tipped over, causing Marvyl to almost fall out the window. Jerry ran to grab him, but he was too late. Marvyl lost his grasp, but he was hovering.

"How are you doing that?" Jerry asked.

"I can't die right now!" Marvyl replied. "If I do, it'll remind people of September 11th, and we could never do that!"

"But by saying that, you already reminded people of it, Marvyl."
"Damn! Oh, well, screw it." Marvyl fell to the ground, but before he could die from his fall, a bird quickly flew by and pooped on him to death. So the cause of death was the bird.

"This looks like the end, Spokes!"

"It is the end, Jerry! Of this chapter!"

"What?"

"You see, the author figured it was about time to start using that whole chapter system, so that he could say stuff like 'Chapter 4 is up!' and get comments like 'write more!'"

"So what happens to us?"

"Find out in the next chapter of the saga…"
THE ADVENTURES OF JERRY BRUCKHEIMER AND SPOKES THE DOG!!