A (Not Quite) Thorough Research Report
By DeadeyeDave and Mr. Crash
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DeadeyeDave: Ahem. Thank you all for coming. This theory...
Mr. Crash: ...which is to say, is ours...
DED: ...is ours. By which we mean...
MC: ...it is not yours.
DED: Ahem. It goes as follows, and I quote...Ahem. Ahem. Ahem..........
Once, long ago, something cataclysmic happened, and the universe was somehow formed. This is generally regarded as a bad move, and largely disagreed with, but that's beside the point. After several billion years, the Earth cooled, yadda yadda, single celled organisms, etc., etc., creatures on land, blah blah blah, Civil War, World War Two, Regan finally gets shot, Y2K, Grbac throws four interceptions against the Browns, which brings us up to today. So now, we backtrack....
Once, long ago, something cataclysmic happened, and the universe was somehow formed. This is generally....wait, I'm repeating myself.
Several thousand years ago, before the art of molesting squirrels was invented, there was a small race of mice called the "chus". One day, such a chu was caught in a storm. Shielding itself with a golf club and a sheet of metal, it ran for cover under the tallest tree on the highest mountain on the most elevated terrain on the continent with the lowest average for sea level height on the bluest planet in a solar system with a middle-sized sun. It was, amazingly enough, struck by lightning.
It felt charged with power, as though it were invincible.
Then, it suffered a massive heart failure and died.
Moving on...
Genetic engineers in Japan were working on two highly secret and very important projects. One was giving men breasts, and the other was combining a rat with electricity. It was highly successful. The men were extremely satisfied, even though their wives later divorced them in favor of men with a feminine side not quite so strong.
The rat project, however, was a complete failure. Several men were laid off, and later joined the military and bombed Pearl Harbor.
The only rat with any physical improvements (nicknamed a "pika") was also a failure; it was bright yellow, had smooth fur, and honking-big ears. It was dumped out in the nearby forest.
Unfortunately, a tragic side-effect on the pika was a very very very very very high testosterone level. Not know knowing what was good for it (having no knowledge of AIDS), and Trojan's influence rendered useless due to the fact that it could not produce an extra extra extra small size for the chu, the pika pretty much mated with whoever spread for it.
One such conquest happened to be one of the last remaining chus in the world (coincidentally, a small colony was located nearby). Most of the chus had been killed off by Fitler, a porcupine from Hermany, who went insane and convinced all the others of Hermany that the chus were a threat to the Hermans. Six million chus were killed.
Anyhow, the offspring that resulted were the twins, pchu and chuika. Chuika was one day struck by lightning. However, because it was part chu and part pika, it was able to withstand the blast. It grew a lightning bolt-shaped tail and its cheeks crackled with electricity.
A few moments later, a barn owl swooped down and ate it.
Pchu, however, fared better. It survived for a long time.
Elsewhere...
A small, Japanese playing card company called Nintendo inexplicably began manufacturing video games. It enjoyed a successful career.
In late 1998, a game called "Pocket Monsters" was in the making. The only problem was that the developers needed a creature to fit the spot of #25. After many an unsuccessful brainstorming sessions, R&D became so fed up that they said they would just march out into the woods and base #25 off of the first creature they came upon.
Lo and behold, the Veep of R&D stumbled on Pchu himself. He was hospitalized for several days, and was treated for shoe injury.
Upon his return, R&D captured Pchu, and researched it. They learned that it was in fact a cross between a chu and a pika, and, brimming with originality, created Pikachu as the name for the creature of slot #25 (yeah, real original, guys. I mean, you have a pika and a chu, and you call it "Pikachu." I mean, for crying out loud, can't you be original? And you know what else? What's the deal with Idaho? I mean, it's border is like a freakin' river, and then it messes up Montana....What did Montana ever do to you?! Why can't you be square, like Wyoming or Arizona? Square! Square!).
They also gave it the added ability of electricity. A short time later,
"Pocket Monsters" made it's debut, and Pikachu became one of the most popular
creatures.
Pchu went on to become famous, for foolish American tourists would go spelunking and often see it. Children thought that "Pocket Monsters" was real. Pchu married a chu, and they had 9,213,453 children. Pchu died, when, drunk, he stumbled into a mouse trap.
Pika went on to become the first mouse sex god. He fathered over 98,723,569,873,498,723,948,736 bastard children.
The Japanese scientists began working on other projects, including splicing hawk and pig genes, so that pigs could fly. They did this to prove those bastards in Washington wrong.