Envisioning The Carnage
The shift had started so well yet had ended so horribly, and he had no real answers. He knew what had happened, but had yet to reconcile all of the facts in his frazzled mind. One minute they were racing to the scene of a fire, the next he was covered in glass and suddenly the tar-seal was his view.
He wasn't even sure how he got back to the intersection where the two fire trucks had collided but now as he stood on the corner in the darkness of the night watching the traffic lights he tried to picture the crash in his head, tried to replay his actions, tried to remember the moments in the lead up to the crash. He was the driver of Truck 81, the driver that could have killed a fellow driver, that left his colleagues and brothers injured.
He didn't know how long he had been stood there but it was long enough to know the timing and sequencing of every light of that intersection but he did know that the number of vehicles that went through the intersection had dropped meaning it was late into the night.
"Cruz… Joe…" Otis had been searching for him and had to admit he was annoyed at himself for not thinking that he could have gone back to the scene of the crash earlier in the night as he had tried everywhere else he could think of first. Cruz hadn't heard him call out the first few times.
"Otis… what are you doing here? You should be at home resting." Cruz was alarmed at the sight of Otis, even though he had been cleared at the hospital and had escaped with only some scratches and bruises he still should have been resting.
"Looking for you, I wanted to make sure you are alright." Otis spoke softly alarmed and concerned for Cruz's mental state. He knew he was shaken especially given all the differing opinions of what happened, and the investigation that was ongoing.
"I keep going over everything, trying to work it all out…" Cruz admitted as he watched the lights change from yellow to red again.
"We know you had the light." Otis assured him even though he knew it was pointless as Cruz wasn't listening too focused on the lights and the pattern of the changing.
"What if he doesn't make it? What if Molina dies?" Cruz paused before he finally looked at Otis. "They're saying I could face manslaughter charges." He delivered the final piece of bad news that he had been sitting on since he had been informed of the possibilities.
"You can't think like that…" Otis wished he could be more reassuring, could ease the panic and the pain that Cruz was in but there was nothing that was going to help until everyone was recovered and the investigation was over.
"I might have killed someone… I could have sworn I had the light but now I don't know, its just a blur all of it." Cruz admitted, his mind was all over the place, and the panic was only increasing as it coursed through his body.
"Joe… There is nothing that could change what happened today, and you haven't killed anybody. It was an accident and that will all be revealed." Otis knew that going over it repeatedly would not change the outcome nor would it change what he was going through.
"I could have killed any of you… Casey, Mouch, Herrmann, you… And Molina is fighting for his life and for what? Because we wanted to get to the scene first so we didn't have to take orders from Welsh. None of it makes sense. None of it fits." Cruz was deep in despair.
There was nothing that Otis could say, nothing that he hadn't already said, that was going to take away Cruz's guilt or pain. That was the thing that Otis admired about Cruz, it was the way he cared and how deeply he felt about things but sometimes he wished he didn't because he hated seeing him in pain, hated seeing him torment himself. Instead of words he used his actions and he pulled Cruz into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around his brother in silent comfort. On a silent street corner where the slithers of glass speckled under the street lights, and where both men could vividly remember the visual aftermath of a horrific accident that would haunt them for days and weeks to come they held each other in silent comfort and support of each other, both needing it.