Summary: Not Slash. Filch is captured and taken away from Hogwarts and gets put with the other captive, Dudley Dursley. Can the two of them survive eachother long enough to escape?
Rating: "T" in FF-net's terms, but "PG-13" for those of us who are not trying to be confusing dunderheads (in Snape's words).
Disclaimer: All characters that I did not make up are owned by J.K. Rowling. If there is a Harry Potter book in the series you haven't read all the way through- why in all the worlds haven't you? Go read it!

Cell Mates

By: Cheelalaucha

Argus Filch walked the halls of Hogwarts, following his cat, and searching for any stupid child that dared come out at night. Oh, how he loved punishing them. He'd love it a lot more if he could hang them by their thumbs and listen to the music (screaming) that they made. They were all so lucky to have the chance to get everything they wanted from their magic. Just let 'em rot, for all he cared!

And that Potter was the worst of them all now that the twins were gone. He had fame, money, family and had Headmaster Dumbledore watching out for his well-being around the clock, every night he could spare. What a bunch of idiots. He was looking forward to the end of that Potter's school years. A secret party had been set up at his graduation to celebrate. Snape, the Bloody Baron, and Peeves had all agreed to come and throw darts (since Filch couldn't use magic spells) at Potter's picture. The one who scores in both eyes gets the chance to torment him first on his last day. It wasn't much, but what else did they have to do? Anyway, Potter's going away was a great cause for a party.

Just as that thought left his mind, he rammed into a stone wall with a thud and fell backwards. He'd been thinking too much about that Potter and hadn't looked where he was going. Damn the whole Potter family yet again! I wish I could just-

But with a start, he abruptly realized where he was. Without thinking, he'd gone in a circle and reached somewhere he had been not five minutes ago. But, there was something strange about this dungeon corridor. He was sure that when he'd come this way and all the torches had been lit. Not a single one was burning now. Why was that? Argus could feel his leg twitching- a sure sign that there was going to be trouble. That was probably the only bit of magic he had in him; he could tell when dark magic was lurking. But knowing something was hunting him did not ease his mind

Argus moved only his eyes to look around, fearing that if he moved a hand or hair, he'd be dust. He saw nothing out of the ordinary, apart from the torches not being lit. His leg twitched a little more, and he knew it was only seconds before something was going to pounce on him. Sweat from his palms soaked spots on the cold stone floor that he remained sprawled upon. Like a flash of lightning, he was on his feet and running down the hall. A stream of red light wizzed over his head and ripped apart the painting of a mighty red dragon. That one had almost gotten him. Gotta move! Filch thought.

He ducked behind a statue of Thisbe Dumas, the first Hogwarts caretaker, and just narrowly missed another loud crack of light. He was going die, he knew it. But wasn't green light the Killing Curse? He'd heard of it so many times from wizard's books. He hated reading some of those, but that was the only thing in the library that held only his slightest amount of interest. What a hellhole.

BOOM! The statue exploded into pieces, and another red light shot past him. He crouched low and was able to miss it. You learned to be quick in this castle. But one thing remained a disadvantage... this place was Hogwarts, and anyone who set foot in here was put onto danger, even though it was concidered the safest place in the wizarding world. the bottom of the foodchain. Doomed for life, was his last thought as yet another red light appeared from before him, and he fell over, unconscious.

Dudley Dursley was nestled in his absolute favorite spot in the whole house... his bed. Three days he'd been home and had only left that poor mattress twice. If not for being human, he'd have never left it! The lovely Dursley mother had brought every meal to him, not to mention some sweets. What am I saying? Candy was his meal! Days were spent playing video games, sleeping, and eating. Every so often, he'd lean over and pull the window open for some air, but that was because he couldn't stand the smell of himself. It was a terrible stench - a lesser man would have long ago passed out from such a thing. But, seeing as he was so plump to begin with, it might take a few years for him to even get dizzy from it.

Ah, yes! Another point for Dudley Dudderkins! The next level of his game was supposed to be the best yet! Level six: Adding with Whole Numbers, ages three to seven. His father had bought him this stupid game in a an attempt to get him interested in addition. Apparently, his mathematics grades were a little (well, a lot) on the poor side. What could they have done wrong? He was such a loving, caring gentleman who always ate his vegetables. In fact, he always ate.. everything.

While chomping down on another piece of chocolate cake, Dudley heard a weird-sounding kind of 'pop' from under him. For a moment, he thought it might have been another one of those candy balloons his mum had brought him earlier. He'd started out with fifty and then at the end, he'd missplaced three (and he had also been practicing his addition skills, not that he had any to begin with though). Finding no such treasure, he huffed and returned to his game. Not five minutes later - if he'd counted correctly - there was another strange 'pop' from what seemed like the first floor of the house.

A shrill scream rang through every room in number four, Private Drive. That, of course, was Patunia Dursley who was by far the thinnest to set foot in the place. Dudley jumped at the sound of the scream and, surprisingly, slid right off his bed and... picked up the crumb of cake he'd dropped on the floor. That was tasty cake, after all, and you couldn't waste it! Yum, at least he'd gotten most of the dirt off before he stuck it in his mouth. He could still recall the last bit he'd dropped.. ehh, not so sweet. Chocolate-covered ants were not to be eaten after sweet tarts. Never.

Another scream echoed past his ears just as he burped. His mum must have seen a rat; those were the only time she'd scream so loudly. Oh well, just another snack for later if he caught it in the trap. The tiny creature might not go for it though, without the cheese. He'd gotten hungry before bed last night, and the cheese hadn't been that moldy.

Within seconds of the thought, Dudley found himself face-to-face with a hooded, robed, and menacing figure that held some kind of long shiny thing. Hey! That was a wand! Wands cast spells! His last thought before he fell unconscious was, Does cherry wood have real cherries in it?
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So, do you think what I put about Dudley was fitting, or was I too harsh? I thought I was pretty fair, taking into acount that he's a nasty cousin.

Many, many thanks go out to "A." for being my beta in this fic. :-)

May 19, 2005