Author's note: This is a WIP, I'll try to post regularly, but I can't make any promises. Please don't bug me about updates. That said, I would love to know what you think! I haven't written a Glee fanfic in ages, so I'm in a very nostalgic mood right now. I have a vague idea where this is going, but I have no idea how long it's gonna be. Could be five chapters, could also be fifteen. In any case, allons-y!
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me; writing this for fun and all that jazz.
The heavy rain spatters against the window pane were the only sound in the house. He was quite alone, and for once not listening to music. There was a melancholy that had taken a hold of his heart, the feeling that he was just wrong, wrong, wrong, that made him lie motionlessly on his comforter and stare at the darkly brooding sky beyond his window.
If Blaine was to be believed, Kurt had brought this on himself, and his instincts told him to believe the other boy. Had he not been afraid that his own principles, his sensibilities, would come back to haunt him?
Prude, he thought viciously like he had so many times before, damn prude.
Being scared of physical intimacy, of any kind of intimacy, had not served him well. It was the sort of fear that people expected him to get over, and quickly at that. First boyfriend at sixteen, my oh my, what a late bloomer. Not putting out? You've got to be kidding me.
Every mean thought he'd ever had about himself came crashing down, suffocating him underneath their combined weight.
It wasn't really cheating, Blaine had said, if Kurt kept denying him what he needed.
Even the scent of alcohol on his breath had not been enough for Kurt to forgive him, not this time. For a brief moment he wondered if he should have just allowed Blaine to have fun with whomever he wanted – it did take the pressure off himself – and then he hated himself even more for thinking so. How broken did you have to be to go down that road? Wasn't it better to be single than to let other people hurt him? On a good day he would have agreed with that sentiment, but today was not a good day. With the breakup a fresh and gaping wound in his chest, he was afraid of turning 18, 20, 30 and still be alone. Would anyone even want to date him if he wasn't experienced? He couldn't help but doubt it.
If the thought of letting others see him naked, of letting them touch, letting them penetrate him didn't scare him even worse, he probably would have crawled back to Blaine this very instant, offering his virginity on a silver platter.
A nasty voice in his head reminded him that a perfect first time was a myth anyway, and Blaine would at least have been considerate of his feelings, would have been romantic and gentle.
A shiver ran through his body and he rolled to the side, curling into a fetal position.
Tomorrow he would have to be strong; teenagers loved nothing more than to exploit the weaknesses of their peers. If he showed the cracks in his armor, there were those who would rip it apart and expose the bleeding creature underneath. And Glee Club especially was a battlefield more often than not, involving dangers far worse than those of the regular hallway; people knew him there, knew how to exploit him for their never-ending tug-of-war of popularity and recognition. He would become a mere chess piece for whomever managed to sink their hooks into him first.
No.
Kurt would much rather be called the villain of the piece, the unfeeling ice queen, than be used in any way. He just needed to pull up the draw bridge and fortify his walls; then he could lick his wounds in private, analyzing every mistake, making sure it didn't happen again.
By the time his family came home in the evening, a soft light was burning in his room and he was cutting out pictures from his pile of magazines, carefully gluing them into his scrapbook while Sia played quietly in the background. When Finn knocked gently on his door frame, Kurt was ready to play pretend.
Putting down the glue stick, he turned around to face his stepbrother and immediately recognized the look of concern in Finn's expressive eyes, which meant that news had already traveled through the grapevine.
"You okay?"
Kurt bobbed his head, not quite prepared for the sting of guilt that came from lying to Finn Hudson.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
Finn frowned but didn't call him out on his lie. Instead he watched Kurt a little longer and then straightened up.
"Mom's almost finished with dinner," he offered, and Kurt was once again struck by the boy's emotional intelligence that was only rarely allowed to surface and was all the more powerful when it did.
"I'll be down in a sec," he murmured, and waved at his scrapbook.
Finn nodded and slipped out of his room, leaving behind a hole where his warmth had been.
Kurt sighed and wondered if he'd ever truly be happy.
He doubted it.