A/n: Hey! So happy to be back with more! I have a long A/N at the bottom to address some concerns, so be aware of that I guess. It has to do with reviews on The Incidents since the concerns will probably carry on through this fic.

Hope you enjoy!

"Hey, where's your Mrs.?" Sakura pops up in Naruto's doorway.

"Hm?" Naruto looks up from his desk.

"Sasuke. Where has he been?"

"Oh, uh…" Naruto purses his lips slightly, "he's on maternity leave."

"M-maternity leave?" Sakura repeats.

"Yup."

"You have a kid?"

"Of sorts." Naruto frowns at the papers on his desk.

"What do you mean of sorts?"

"Hubert."

"Is that supposed to make sense?" Sakura enters the classroom.

"Hubert, our snake." Naruto says calmly.

Sakura stares at Naruto.

"He's on maternity leave. For a snake."

"Yup."

"How did you manage that?" Sakura places a hand on the corner of his desk.

"Honestly, they'll do anything to shut him up at this point." Naruto looks up at Sakura, "Wouldn't you?"

"Well, that's just strange, though! Why do you even have a snake, anyways?"

"He keeps bringing damned snakes into the house so I decided to get him one. We know what this one is and she's not poisonous so…" Naruto shrugs.

"Venomous."

"Hm?"

"The word you are looking for is venomous."

Naruto shakes his head.

"Whatever. She's not venomous." Naruto corrects himself.

"Her name is Hubert?"

"Sasuke refuses to believe the snake is a female."

"Let Sasuke call it a male, then. It is Sasuke's snake, right?"

"Yup. I let him name her Hubert, too."

"I would've thought Rosemary or something, seeing his obsession with the name."

"Nope, surprisingly not."

"When can I meet it, then?" Sakura asks, "It is your child, isn't it?"

"Oh, he'll come around, I promise you."

Sasuke does, in fact, come around.

He enters Naruto's room in the middle of his lesson, toting Hubert on his shoulders. He watches Naruto contently as Naruto teaches his class. Oh, love, what a wonderful emotion.

The students whisper back and forth to each other. Sasuke eyes them suspiciously.

"Hey, Sas! What's up?" Naruto greets Sasuke as he sees him.

"Oh, nothing. Just thought I'd stop by, is all." Sasuke walks up to Naruto.

"Well, it's always nice to see you."

"And Hubert." Sasuke raises Hubert slightly. "Hubert, too."

"Yes, Hubert, of course." Naruto eyes the crown on the snake's head. "This would be the one time I'd be happy you splurged on something."

"What?" Sasuke looks at the crown, "No, I made that! Isn't it cute?"

"That's very uh… elaborate, Sas, you sure you aren't going crazy?" Naruto leans down to inspect the crown.

"Bold of you to pretend I wasn't already crazy, but thank you." Sasuke gestures toward the snake with his head, "Kissy."

Naruto tries to hide his eye roll as he gives Hubert a small kiss on his head. Sasuke beams as Naruto stands up straight.

"King Hubert is pleased with your contributions today. You shall be rewarded upon your arrival at home."

"King Hubert, huh?" Naruto puts his hands on his hips.

"Yup! King Hubert and Queen Bitch!" Sasuke says happily.

"What am I, then?"

"Daddy."

The class laughs as Naruto sighs.

"Daddy, of course. Why didn't I see that coming?" Naruto mumbles to himself.

"We just came to say hi, since Hubert wanted to see you."

"Hubert did? What about you?"

"I can do with a few hours of quiet a day, thank you."

Naruto looks offended.

"I'm glad our daughter likes me, then."

"Son." Sasuke glares. "Son."

Naruto sighs. "Son, yes."

"He told me he's our son."

"Of course, dear – wait, is he talking to you?" Naruto asks.

"Occasionally."

Naruto tries to calm himself. Sasuke says stuff like that a lot, he shouldn't take it at face value, he assures himself. It's just… alarming to hear that.

"Alright, how about you and Hubert go on home, then."

"Kissy. For me."

Naruto smiles softly.

"Of course."

Naruto places a soft kiss on Sasuke's lips. Sasuke smiles.

"Thank you." Sasuke sings out.

"Your welcome, Sas."

Sasuke exits the classroom. Naruto sighs.

"Why are you married to that thing again?" A student asks.

"Hey! I love him." Naruto pouts.

"Does he just randomly visit like that?" Another pipes up.

"We would've heard of it if he did." Someone replies.

"No, he doesn't usually…" Naruto trails off.

Oh, no.

Naruto tries to steady his breathing as he stands in front of the door. He hopes his gut feeling is wrong, but it almost never is.

His hands shake as he opens the door. Please, no…

Naruto enters the house. It's quiet.

"I have funny story to tell you today."

Naruto groans.

"You see, there was this man selling magic jelly beans. And they were uh… magical. He said they grant wishes! The man had a cloak and a staff so I assumed it was legit, but to be honest, I think the cloak may have been a trash bag and the staff just a really sick stick he found somewhere in a magical forest so I guess in any case it was magical. So I took them and guess what? Dreams come true! He was right! I gave a bean to Hubert, too!"

"This one better not be big, Sasuke."

There is a few moments of silence.

"He's not that big." Naruto can hear the pout in Sasuke's voice.

"He isn't, huh?" Naruto approaches their room slowly, "Why is he here?"

"Hubert needs a friend."

Naruto groans.

"Hubert does not need a friend, you are Hubert's friend."

"I'm Hubert's mother, he needs a friend friend. He wished for one!"

"Where is it, Sasuke?"

"Here."

Sasuke appears behind Naruto. Naruto jumps back.

"Oh my god, don't do that, especially when you have an unidentified snake."

"He's not unidentified, his name is Rhosemarie, and I love him."

"We need to put Rhosemarie back outside." Naruto watches the snake in Sasuke's hands.

"But he's a baby, Naruto! We need to raise him!" Sasuke brings it up to his face as he pouts.

"That thing is in no way, shape, or form, a baby."

"He's our baby, Naruto. We have to take care of him."

"Where did you even find that thing?" Naruto asks.

"The pet store."

"The pet – oh, thank god." Naruto sighs in relief.

"Yup! The pet store. Right in the parking lot."

"Please, Sasuke, no."

"They had some on display out there!"

"That's good, that's good."

"And I found this one on the ground."

"That bad, Sasuke, that's bad."

"They said I could keep him!"

"They… they told you that."

"Yup!"

"Did they really tell you that?"

"Yes." Sasuke frowns.

Naruto looks down at the snake. It hasn't bitten Sasuke yet, so it should be fine… right?

"Did he bite you?"

"No! He's a good boy." Sasuke kisses his head.

"Fine, I suppose we can keep Rosemary, then."

"Rhosemarie, Naruto." Sasuke corrects him.

"The difference?"

"The spelling."

Naruto sighs.

"Of course, dear, of course."

"So, how was everything last night?" Sakura asks.

"He brought another one in."

"A third?" Sakura asks.

"A fourth, actually."

Sakura tries to fake pity but she's also trying to hold back a laugh.

"You really didn't expect this, huh?"

"Hubert needs a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend in case he's bi, pan, or maybe in a polyamorous relationship, I'm afraid of what he thinks Hubert needs next."

"Are these from the store?"

"I'm 99.9 per cent sure he found a snake dealer somewhere."

"You think he has a snake dealer?"

"Probably."

"How many snakes before enough is enough?"

"I'm not sure it'll ever be enough for him."

"Sasuke?" Naruto calls out into the house.

"I have a funny story to tell you!"

Naruto groans loudly.

A/n: Hey guys! Feel like I have to address some concerns here:

This "series" is not a serious one. It's a side project. Yes, it occasionally (and more often than not) appears forced, because it is. This is my "I have writers block and/or I'm depressed because of something else I'm writing and I need it to stop" fanfiction. It's not supposed to be good.

It was directionless at some point. The tie in in Sasuke's past was spur of the moment, glad you enjoyed that. This series wasn't supposed to go on so long! It was The "Daddy" Incident, written because of a stupid joke I made on Tumblr, but people requested more of the AU, so here it is.

It's supposed to be over-the-top crazy. Sasuke's supposed to come off as a lunatic because, again, I hadn't had his past planned out. This is kinda a substance-less ramble.

I feel it's a little weirder to read here than on AO3 because here it's in one fic here and on AO3 they're separate pieces, because they're in the AU but not very connected.

I save my serious writing for other fics and the book I'm working on. This was never serious. I'm sorry if it came off that way, but this was more of a crack fic than anything. A lot of my ideas for this series are things my readers on AO3 throw at me. If it was merely what I was going to write, it would've been 4 installments and then done.

I thank you for the criticism, really! I always appreciate it! I just feel this time people are trying to see this series as something it's not. I'd very much enjoy more on, say, I Love You, Naruto Uzumaki, one of my (very rare) serious ones.

Sorry if this disappoints, my dudes, but that's how it be on this bitch of an Earth. I'm not a very serious fanfic author, so don't expect so serious out of me.

Anyways, sorry about the long A/N, I've been getting occasional "I'm wishy-washy about this" and then "this wasn't written very well" reviews so I felt that should be addressed! I'd very much like people to like what I write, which requires understanding!

But again, I'm but a humble fanfic author, who does this for free (like most if not all fanfic writers), so I may or may not take any advice you send my way on my fanfics. I tend to take them straight to my writing for my book, so your concerns might not be addressed here, and certainly not on this fic, because it's not a serious one, but they're always appreciated!

Thank y'all for reading this, though! And doubly thanks for the feedback!

Fun Fact: If you've ever watched the movie Tremors (or its sequels), the monsters are never explained in any movie. Isn't that funny? It's not as masterfully done but the "Daddy" thing will also never be explained.