It had been a good couple of days since the heat had settled down in Alexandria. The tension and drama had come to a sort of calm. In the matter of a week, Rick Grimes had his life turned inside out. From finding Alexandria, confronting Deanna, reuniting with Morgan, killing Pete,…meeting Jessie. In the previous months, Rick had devoted his life to protecting his family. Yet, now that his people were no longer in danger, he was granted the rare occasion of self attention. He knew he had to let a few days pass before he acted on his feelings for Jessie. The situation was far more complicated than it appeared. However, now that the chaos had subsided, he had little use for his abundance of time.
Rick stepped off of the front porch and into the cloak of the night, walking the streets of Alexandria with his destination set for Jessie's house. Should he be doing this? It had not yet been a week since he had killed Pete. While Jessie should have been ridden with mourning, she simply carried on with life as usual. Yet, even before he had killed Pete, Rick could see it in her face that she didn't love him. From the moment she uttered the word "yes." She had tricked herself into believing that she did, to justify the abuse. Now that was exposed, for Rick to see.
A firm knock on the door pulled Rick out of his thoughts and brought him back to the present. As he awaited an answer, he began to doubt himself for the first time in a long time. Sure, he had second thoughts on many things in the past few months. The prison, Beth, Aaron. But those were all just safety precatuons. What he felt now was doubt.
"Rick," Jessie's face appeared in the doorway. The blue ring around her eye had nearly faded and the porch light illuminated the left side of her face. "What's going on?"
"Can I come in?"
Jessie stepped back from the doorway to fully open the door, allowing Rick to saunter into the home. Jessie gave Rick the impression that her sons were asleep by the tone of voice she held, and the house somehow seemed quiet now that Pete was gone. Rick had anticipated that Jessie would sit them down in the living room but she did not move past the dimly lit front hallway. Her eyes searched his face, for a sign of what he would say.
"You asked me why I cared so much about what was happening with Pete," he started, both hands perched on his hips. "But you knew why. You knew why I had to stop it."
Jessie nodded, demonstrating understanding of Rick's remarks. Since she had first met him, it became increasingly apparent how he felt about her, especially after the infamous owl statue incident. This mysterious sheriff scared her. It scared her that he came into her life so quickly. It scared her that he had just destroyed the system that she had lived by for so many years. And it scared her that she had told him to do it.
"We've both been married. And we both have lost those marriages," Rick paused to be assured that he had himself collected before he continued. "After I lost my wife, I was certain that I'd never love another woman, never even touch another woman again. But lately I haven't been so certain."
Jessie took a step back, exhaling with a dangerous mix of nervousness and indecisiveness. She had agreed to let Rick end her situation with Pete. Had she just used Rick to help her escape? What did he want in return for that favour? It was being made clear to her how Rick felt. But what about her? It would be a lie to say that she hadn't looked at him with a lustful eye before. He was supposed to be her hero, after all. Right? If only things were so simple.
"I don't know about this. It's been less than a week since Pete's been gone. What are people going to think?"
"You're worried about what people think? You let your husband beat you for years and everyone knew about it. Deanna knew it. Carol knew it just by talking to your son. And you're telling me you care about what people think?"
"Rick, stop."
Rick glanced down at the wooden floor, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he bit his tongue. He knew from the beginning that this conversation wasn't going to be easy.
"I can't tell what you're thinking. I don't know what you want. I don't think you even know what you want. Just tell me to stop." Rick took a measured step towards Jessie. Then another. And another. Now it seemed Jessie showed no sign of fear or hesitance. They were no more than five inches away from each other, the single lamp in the adjacent room reflecting on their faces. Rick was prepared to make up the space that was between them, but Jessie shocked him by leaning forward and pressing her lips against his.
In an instant, Rick had her against the wall, his lips pressed tightly with hers, his hands on her waist, her hands in his hair. This seemed to be pure bliss, Rick had yet to experience attention of this sort in such a long time. And although it was something he had yearned for and had been on his conscience for the past few days, there was now only one thing that occupied his mind: Lori.
It had been well over a year since Lori's death. Long gone were the nights of stifling sobs into his hands and seeing her ghost in the field. Rick liked to think, when he left the prison, he left Lori behind with it. Her memory often escaped him as new threats and conflicts arose daily. She had not been on Rick's mind in a good while. Yet, now as he had Jessie in his arms, her memory had come back to haunt him. Rick had considered her to be a part of the man he used to be. But his heart wasn't keeping up with the lies his mind was telling. He couldn't shake her from his mind, couldn't get past her. It became a contest, a game of compare and contrast. Were her lips as soft as Lori's? Did she touch him like Lori used to? The thoughts consumed him, her name on his mind until they finally came out on his lips.
"Lori,…"
Jessie pulled away, her eyes alarmed but with an expected caution.
"What?"
He swallowed heavily, not even able to look at her. "Her name was Lori."
Jessie's eyes, instead of growing angry, became understanding. She sighed heavily, removing her hands from Rick's shoulders as he took a step away from her. It was too soon. Jessie knew from the moment Rick opened his mouth that it was too soon for this. While Rick would've denied his devotion to his wife, it was apparent now that he didn't know what he wanted either.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, his eyes now glued to the floor. How could he bring himself to look at her after what he'd done? Kill her husband, make a move on her, then moan his wife's name. It left him ridden with shame.
"I get it, Rick. We don't just move on because…someone dies. Or because the world ends," she said the last bit with a chuckle. "We like to forget who we used to be because it serves no use anymore, or because we're ashamed of it, or just because it's easier that way. But we can't just change who we were or who we used to love. Sure, things have conditioned us. But they haven't erased what we used to be."
Rick nodded in agreement with her statements. He had no quarrels with what she had said, in fact he was relieved that she had seen it from such a point of view.
"Thank you," he said to her, his voice barely above a whisper. Now, able to look her in the eyes again, he reached out and took her hand in his. Rick liked to think that he was done with missing Lori. Maybe even done with loving her. But, as he realized from the recent event, he would never be done with Lori. She was a piece of him now, always would be.
Rick gave Jessie's hand a gentle squeeze before letting go of it and directing himself back to the front door from which he entered. "Goodnight, Jessie."
And, with that, Rick took to the paved roads of Alexandria once again. And, even though the walkers still lurked outside the city walls and the world was no better of a place than it had been that afternoon, Rick couldn't help but feel free. Not free from Lori nor from his feelings for Jessie. But from the lie he had been telling himself. Life did go on. But it didn't have to.