Hiding
By: Julian Sidhe.
Baker, Baker, baking a cake
Make me a day, make me whole again
And I wonder what's in a day
What's in your cake this time?
I guess you heard he's gone to LA
He says that behind my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me
I pushed him away
That my heart's been hard to find.
Here, there must be something here
There must be something here…
Baker, Baker, can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing
And I wonder how mine could taste, maybe we could change his mind…
I know you're late for your next parade
You came to make sure, that I'm not running…
Well, I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time…
—Tori Amos.
I lit another cigarette, watching the mocking cursor blinking at the end of my last sentence. It was so quiet, now. So lonely….Shuichi's gone; gone, gone, gone. No more incessant chattering and babbling, no more whining, no more crying, no more laughing, no more smiling, and worst: no more sex. Well, it's not that bad, right? All of that will help me write better, I know it. A little grief in a writer's life is a good thing….only I've had more than my fair share of it. For once, I want him here, to pass the time between paragraphs and chapters, to scream and whine, to cry. I want to get angry at him again, and claim dominance over him. I want to kiss him again, too. He may have been bad in bed, but sex is sex.
I sigh and take my hands away from the keyboard, at the commencement of the dull pain in my wrists and flip up the two pictures on my desk. One is of Shuichi, the other is of Tohma, Tatsuha, Mika and myself. For probably the first time I notice how Tohma's smile is in reality a frown. For probably the first time, I see how absolutely miserable Mika and Tohma are together, just from the way they look in that one photo. Tohma stands off to the side a little, like he's been severed from us and has this very reluctant and obligatory smile, while Mika's lips are kind of puckered and her arms are crossed. Unfortunately, I can't remember when the picture was taken so I can't remember if they'd been fighting. But then, Mika and Tohma fight a lot—or, rather, Mika fights and Tohma feels guilty and buys her whatever she wants in apology. They don't love each other, I know this. Tohma told me one drunken night, he confessed everything. He was afraid of what Mika would do if he told her he wanted a divorce, he was even more afraid of telling her that he wasn't attracted to women. I felt sorry for him because I knew he would never escape, he didn't have the heart to, he was too nice. I also knew that Tohma loved me, more than a brother-in-law. He confessed that, too, but told me that he was happy only with my happiness. He said he didn't want anything to change between us, except he could barely look me in the eye without having to turn away looking insecure. I couldn't sort out my feelings for the eccentric man either…he was handsome, I knew that, and I know I really had a kind of desire for him…but he was my sister's husband. I mean, I guess I just couldn't get past the moral aspect, even knowing that Mika cheated on him all the time. Besides, I was with Shuichi then.
I closed my laptop and ground out my cigarette as I heard my doorbell ring. I slowly got up and walked to the door, opening it to see none other than Seguchi Tohma. He looked up quickly at my face and looked back down real quick.
"I'm sorry I didn't call, but I wanted—"
"To check up on me?" I laughed as he nodded.
"Yeah…I'm sorry." I smiled; I loved his voice, soft and gentle with a subtle hint of femininity.
"It's okay. I was just thinking about you." I said, and opened the door wider. "Come in."
He sat gracefully on the couch beside me and I poured him some tea. He thanked me and took a tiny sip.
"So, how have you been?" I asked as he smiled slightly, peeking at me over the rim of the mug with those trusting green eyes.
"Well enough, I suppose. I…I heard from Shindo-san today." He said quietly.
"Oh?" I said as he slid his finger around the circumference of the cup, staring into the tea.
"He said to wish you well." Tohma told me.
I shrugged and looked him up from toe to head. I loved the way he looked right now, black dress pants that elongated his thin but strong legs, a black V neck sweater and blazer and of course a black hat. He looked amazing as always.
I smiled as he asked me how I was.
"Fine, fine."
"How is the new book coming along?"
"Eh, okay."
I gently placed my hand on his knee, feeling the muscles there tense.
"Eiri-san…." He whispered as I lent forward a bit.
I'm usually quite direct when it comes to what I want, but…I felt like beating around the bush a little. I really needed to get laid…and Tohma was there, so therefore was my target. I moved my hand higher up his thigh on the inside and felt his hand cover mine, removing it from his leg. That damn patience and calmness, sometimes it pissed the hell out of me! I wanted to see him crack, to yell, scream, and rage, to actually show me what's going on inside his head! I suppose I was being cynical, wanting to break him, but it was becoming quite the temptation…the little voice in my head started to hiss…do it…
He gently cupped my face in his lithe hands and kissed me on the forehead, brushing my golden bangs out of the way.
He shook his head slightly. "Will you show me what you've worked on so far today?"
I sighed and stood up, backing off. "I guess." I mumbled as he smiled.
My laptop was in my bedroom now, on my desk. I opened the file and let him look. I smiled at the way his lips parted ever so gently while he read, his fingertip lightly tapping the down arrow as he progressed. His lips curved upward ever-so-slightly.
"It's lovely, Eiri-san." He stood and I approached him, backing him into the far wall.
"Not as much as you." I whispered into his ear, feeling his body shudder pleasurably, trepidation in his beautiful green eyes. I pressed my palm against his stomach, sliding up the soft sweater and feeling the warm skin beneath.
"Eiri-san, s-stop," he whispered, but I knew that his words had no real meaning.
I slid my hand farther up, rubbing one of my cold fingers over one of his nipples and continued to outline it on his warm flesh. My other hand worked my way lower, breaching the barrier of his belted slacks, moving around his waist. His breaths came slow and shaky as he tried to silence a moan. He groaned my name a few times, as I gently kissed his neck and shifted to his other nipple. Beneath my hands, I could feel his self-control cracking, shattering. I smiled into his throat. His head was angled back a bit, his lips parted moreso and his breaths more frenzied. I pressed my lips to his, kissing him brutally, watching his eyes snap open as he pulled away a little.
"Eiri-san…no…I-I can't, please don't—" He panted, trying to bypass me. "I'm sorry, Eiri-san, I am, please, don't do this—" I cut him off with another kiss. "Oh, god…" he whispered, gasped, shaking. Whatever of his willpower had rebuilt was soon to expire. I pushed him back onto the bed, straddling his thighs, while I pulled off his blazer. It fell to the floor, discarded.
I kissed him so hard until I could almost see bruises forming on his pale pink lips and his slim and delicate neck. His restraint was gone again, I knew, as he cried out. I undressed myself and fully stripped him, touching him with enjoyment, watching him throw his head back and bite on his lip to stifle himself.
I smiled and stroked his erection. It was just like when I was with Shuichi, only better and quieter. Tohma wasn't some stupid, inexperienced virgin like he was—screaming with every touch, whimpering, begging, complaining, wanting, and needing…
I teased and kissed behind his ear, crooning faintly to him before he clamped his arms around my neck, nuzzling his face into my neck. His lips just brushed my earring as he whispered.
"Eiri-san…please yamero! Stop— Uhhnh!" He inhaled sharply, jade eyes widening in ecstasy and fear as I tightened my grip around his cock.
I rolled his hips upward and guided my erection into his tight ass, his fingers clenching the sheets hard and holding in another cry. I lost myself in the moment and forgot all about being gentle with him, growing oblivious to the screams torn from his throat, telling me to stop and that it hurt him. I thrust into him selfishly and violently until I came and slowly withdrew from him.
He looked…broken to me when I regained my composure. He nearly screamed when he tried to move, grunting as he managed to shift to his side, pulling his knees up to his chest.
Seguchi Tohma lay curled up on my bed sobbing, all of his calm, cool and assertive demeanor gone, vanished. He was broken in many senses. I knelt over him, noticing a few spots of blood on the sheets.
I gently touched his shoulder. "Tohma? —"
"Don't touch me…" he whispered as I drew back a little, startled. He tried to steady his breaths again, then moved his arm that shielded his face. Those beautiful green eyes that were so trusting, inviting and kind were now filled with pain and acrimony and tears. "Eiri-san…. I tell you that I love you with more than every fiber of my being and this is what you do to me…? Use me…? How could you?"
My mouth opened slightly and my guilt turned to acidic smugness. "Like you didn't know what was on my mind when I kissed you."
Tears filled his eyes again. "I did, but I was hoping that you'd come to your senses."
"Or maybe you should stop being so naïve, Tohma. Stop believing I'm some immaculate little child— the one you couldn't save, Tohma." I spat as his eyes went wide and he swallowed hard. He trembled as he sat up slowly, grimacing at the pain. He dressed as swiftly as he could, not bothering with his jacket. "You weren't fighting either." I hissed as he glared at me.
"And you wonder why Shuichi left," he said quietly.
"And you wonder why I am like I am." I growled back as he pressed his lips into a thin line.
"That has nothing to do with it. You are nothing. You are vile. You are no different than Kitazawa!" His normally soft, low voice cracked as he slapped me. Open-handed, all palm, then the sting of his fingers and manicured nails. He lingered only a moment, obviously debating whether to drop to his knees and beg my forgiveness or to slap me again. He turned swiftly, covering his face with the same hand he used to slap me.
After I heard the door slam, the words I had said hit me…
My rage boiled inside of me as I touched my cheek. I am not Kitazawa! I am not Yuki--… I felt that slow, sinking feeling in my stomach as I exhaled gradually. Fuck him, fuck everyone. I hope he kills himself. I swallowed hard. I don't think I meant that. I really think that if not for what happened all that time ago, I could have loved him. I could have loved Tohma like I should have. But, it didn't work out that way.
I suppose we were destined for this.
It still hurt.
I pulled on my Pajamas and sat behind my laptop, smelling Tohma's jasmine-y fragrance that lingered behind.
My fingers touched the keys and typed…
"Norowarete sighed as he took a drag on his cigarette. The door slammed again, for the second time that month. Another man who loved him, he'd driven away with his brutality and insensitivity. But this one was different. This one was not a stupid fuck-toy. This one had spent his whole life protecting him, loving him, caring for him. This one would have done anything for him, and had. This one was beautiful, so full of love for him, too much for Norowarete to resist. His love's will and very existence was too much to withstand, he had to break him. He'd shattered this one's love in an instant, for one fuck. He'd broken his beloved, into thousands of shards. This one was gone, never to return. It was the dead end Norowarete hoped he'd never reach."
I stared at the blinking cursor again, the mocking flicker sending me over the edge. I rested my face in my hands, slumping over my desk and finally tried to let go.
[End.]
Wow. This has been in my archive for like…seriously? Almost a year. I started it in Apr. 2003. Crayzeeness.
I hope you enjoy.
On another note:
I'd like to invite you all to a neat Gravi RP called "Spicy Marmalade". It's a serious, but, fun and loose RP that really has super potential. And a great cast so far, in my humble opinion.
The link is: http:spicymarmalade (NO SPACES. it's not showing up)
It's just starting out and we're still getting things under control but, we've started threads already, because we're geeks and we can't wait. 3 Um, but I'd register and audition right away. The rules for auddies are plainly posted and Prodigy (admin) has even posted a sample auddie. (ain't she sweet 3) The cast so far is:
Tatsuha
Hiro
Noriko
Suguru
And we have a possible Shuichi.
And Original Characters are very welcome.
I am Toxic Lolita (a moderator) and will be very, very happy to assist you if you should ever need it.
Email me at or if you have any more questions
Or IM me at:
Aim: Pinkuspaida304
Yahoo: kochoutachigare304
Msn:
Well, I hope to see you there. Enjoy.
Xoxo
—-The Lovely Julian Sidhe.