"Because you lied to me?"
His voice echoed around the locker room as I wondered.
I was wondering the same. Why had I told Jane to take care of Allie claiming she was ill, omitting pregnancy? I didn't know. Omitting was not going to change anything. She would still be having that son, and within nine months or so Jane would know. Why did I omit that from her then? Now that I had stopped to think, it did not make the slightest sense.
"Sorry." It was the only thing that got out of my mouth.
But my head was a thousand with that. My head was a mess.
I would be a father. I was happy for that, but deep inside I was feeling so incomplete.
"You still have not answered my question." She said in a slow tone.
It was that moment when I looked at her.
"Honestly, I don't know. It doesn't change anything now." I replied pretending not to matter too much. I knew lying did not change anything either, anyway. That does not change the fact that my son's mother will not be the woman I had dreamed of holding a child for the first time, I thought to respond, but I kept the words to myself again. Jane could not know that I still loved her. Not now. I was still bleeding from all the lies she'd hidden from me. I was again all the walls that I had erected in the course of my life and in the course of so many disappointments. Or I tried to be.
I knew that to Jane these walls were nothing. It was just another talent hidden from her: crossing the walls of my heart. God, how I hated myself at that moment for still loving that woman.
I could ask why she had lied to me, it had been much more serious, but I also knew I did not want to argue. Showing the wound between us was not going to make her heal from day to night and arguing would only get us both down, and neither of us deserved that. Especially Jane.
It was time to heal those wounds that were between us in my chest, for my sake.
"Anyway …" she replied, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I think you'll be a good father. You deserve to be happy." She finished with a smile. It just finished killing me.
Happy? Maybe that was just a euphemism.
I had impregnated a friend with whom I had slept to forget that the woman I loved had crushed my heart.
"Thank you very much." I answered with a unhappy smile as she crossed the room.
"Jane," I called when she was near the door and she looked at me. "You deserve to be happy, too."
She responded with the same unhappy smile I had given earlier and left. I knew she could be happy, even if it meant not being with me.