Title: Getting Better
Author: Erika
Rating: PG
Summary: Remus has forgiven Sirius for the Prank…but has Moony?
Timeframe: Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter are sixth-years.
Spoilers: For PoA
Category: Angst, POV
Disclaimers: Hogwarts and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed 0). I'm making no money from this and this is written for entertainment purposes only.
Feedback: Both positive feedback and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated and will be cherished!
Archive: Please ask first. )
Author's Note: This is a sequel to "Absolution" and "Not Going to Ask." I would recommend reading them first. They can be found on my website. Technically, it's also a sequel to "Shared Uncertainty" but it's not at all necessary to read that one to understand this story.
Sirius:
The tree was beautiful. It was strange that I had never noticed before. The way the leaves were clustered and angled, how each one reflected the starlight in a slightly different manner, made for an array of color that had somehow previously eluded me. The deep, rich tones of green, the reddish shades of brown, it was all so…incomprehensible, so breathtaking.
But it wasn't soothing. It should have been, but it wasn't. Somehow, it only made me feel worse. It was as if burnt bark and decaying leaves would have been more comforting. At least then it would have mirrored something inside me. Something I couldn't quite define but seemed to haunt my thoughts.
This fear that I would somehow push all my friends – everyone I cared for – away. I had already done it to Remus. He was trying. I was trying. We were both trying. It wasn't that we weren't getting anywhere. We were. It just…wasn't the same. I was always so cautious around him. So afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and ruining what progress we had made. Even giving him a Christmas present had become a complicated dilemma of indecision, with me worrying that he wouldn't want or open it.
Of course, it was exactly what I had coming to me. Exactly what I deserved.
Then there was James. We were still best mates but I felt as if I hardly saw him anymore. Due to detention and being confined to the Gryffindor common room or our dorm room every night, I was spending a great deal of time indoors. James found that too…boring. He was always outside for Quidditch practice, Quidditch games, Hogsmeade, pulling pranks…basically everything.
And it was my fault that I couldn't join him. It was my punishment for having told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow.
Peter, given the option of either following James around or staying inside with me, invariably chose the former. I didn't blame him. I would have done the same thing in his position.
And that was it. I had no one else. Since halfway through first year it had been the four of us. The Marauders. Now…did the Marauders even exist anymore? Had I destroyed them? What if I had? How could I have done that? They were all I had. My friends were the only people in my life that I cared about and that cared about me in return. The only ones. Because my 'family' had certainly made it clear that I had disgraced them, that they wanted nothing more to do with me, that the only reason they ever spoke to me was to cause me pain. I didn't have my family. And now, it seemed, I didn't even have my friends.
I just felt so alone and I hated it. Perhaps it would have been easier if I wasn't still hounded by guilt over what I had done. The remorse was fading but not quickly enough. I wasn't having nearly as many nightmares and I didn't feel quite so horrible but…I was still in the range of horrible. I just wished that there was something I could do, some… punishment I could bear that would rid me of this guilt and help me regain Remus' trust.
I shivered. It was bloody cold. I had left the dorm room so quickly, with no clear purpose in mind, that I hadn't thought to bring a jacket. I had just been so…disappointed. James and Peter had left without saying anything and Remus was already gone. Despite my best efforts, everything had just…seeped out of me with the sound of the shutting door.
He had only said that maybe I could come with them next full moon. He hadn't made any promises. Nor had he mentioned it since then. Still, even with the word 'maybe' wringing in my mind, I had spent the last month thinking that Padfoot would run with Moony again tonight. Only he wouldn't. Obviously, Remus still didn't feel comfortable including me. Obviously, he still didn't trust me.
The thought had just…depressed me. I had needed to get out. I couldn't stay cooped up in that room any longer. It just seemed to magnify my dejection. So I had used a secret passage to leave the common room unnoticed. In a daze, I had walked through the corridors and then away from the castle. Now I was here, staring at a random tree on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
I needed to go back. If someone saw me out here – a professor or Snape, who would all too gladly tell a professor – I would be in serious trouble. When I had run out of class upon hearing what was done to werewolves who killed or converted people, Dumbledore had forgiven me. He had seen my guilt and let the transgression pass. I doubted he would do the same now. I was simply feeling sorry for myself.
I needed to go back. I didn't move though. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to care. What would they do to me? Expel me? If Dumbledore hadn't done that for the Prank, he certainly wouldn't do it now. And I didn't feel like laying there in bed, unable to sleep because I knew that Remus was going through hell.
A branch cracked behind me. Someone was here. I didn't turn around.
"Sirius."
I responded with a noncommittal grunt.
"Sirius?" This time I recognized Remus' worried, questioning voice.
Startled, I shifted to look at my friend. Remus was standing just behind me, a concerned frown furrowing his brow. He had James' invisibility cloak draped over his right arm and was holding the Marauder's Map in his left hand. Why did he have the cloak? James and Peter would have taken it with them when they left for the Shrieking Shack. Without it, they'd risk being seen during their transformations.
Wait. Who cared about the cloak? What was Remus doing here? He needed to be in the shack, where it was safe. If he transformed here he'd run the risk of hurting someone. Confused, I let my eyes roam the sky. I was taken aback to notice that moonrise was probably still a good fifteen to twenty minutes away. It was earlier than I had thought.
"Where are James and Peter?" I asked. When they left the room I had simply assumed that it was because of moonrise. I had been so disillusioned that I hadn't noticed it wasn't time yet.
"In the library, studying," he smiled.
What? "They're leaving you alone for the moon?" I demanded, incredulous. How could they? What could possibly be so important that they would spend the night in the library instead of with Moony?
"I asked them not to come with me," he paused. "Sirius…? Are you quite well?"
"You asked them not to stay with you?" I repeated, ignoring his question altogether. "Why would you do that? Your full moons are…horrible when you're alone."
He shook his head. His gaze was still worried but there was an amused glint there as well. "Here, take this," he handed me the cloak. "Wait by the Whomping Willow until Madam Pomfrey and I come. Then follow us in."
I stared at him in disbelief, almost not comprehending his words. I had been waiting for this since the Prank, waiting for Remus to trust me enough to let me join him during the full moon. Now that he was standing here, effectively telling me that that time was now, I couldn't quite believe it. "Are you sure, Remus?"
His face softened. He seemed pleased that I had asked. "Yes, I'm sure. I would like you to be there."
I released a deep breath of pent-up stress, feeling relieved and hopeful. Maybe I had been overreacting earlier. Maybe things weren't the same between Remus and I yet but maybe they would be soon. Spending a full moon with him could serve as a landmark, something that helped us regain what I had almost thrown away.
I would also be able to help Remus again. I would be able to comfort him during the pain, make his transformations not quite so torturous. I had missed that. I had missed knowing that things were easier for him because he wasn't alone, because I was there.
"Why aren't Prongs and Wormtail coming with us?" Why had Remus asked them to stay behind?
"I want it to be just the two of us tonight," he explained diffidently.
"But then we won't be able to leave the shack," I pointed out, not exactly protesting. It always made me feel…special when the others didn't come with us. After all, it was never just Moony and Prongs or just Moony and Wormtail. That he would arrange for it to be just Padfoot and Moony now, after what I had done, showed that he really wanted things to improve between us. He really wanted us to be friends like before.
At least, that's what I took it to mean.
"I know," he whispered. "I think it would be better for us, though."
I nodded, smiling.
"You'd better take this too," he held out the folded up Marauder's Map.
Sending him a curious look, I took it and tucked it into the inside pocket of my robes.
"When I went back to the dorm room you weren't there." He cocked his head; the worry was back. "You weren't in the common room either. I used the map to find you." I read the silent question in his words: was I all right?
"I'm fine." I paused and amended my statement. "I'm better now. I was just–" Becoming an even bigger expert on self-pity? Worrying about losing all of my friends? Feeling sorry for myself because I had betrayed him and then mistakenly thought that he wasn't going to let me go with him tonight? "It doesn't even matter anymore."
The concern did not vanish from his eyes. Obviously, he didn't believe me. "I'm going go meet Madam Pomfrey now. You should go too."
Grateful that he wasn't going to press me, I smiled. "Thank you, Remus." Thank you for giving me this second chance even though I don't deserve it.
After making sure that no one was in sight, I draped the invisibility cloak over myself and made for the Whomping Willow. "You're welcome, Sirius," I heard him call after me as I left the Forbidden Forest behind.
I stepped out from under the cloak as soon as Madam Pomfrey left the shack. Remus was undressing. If he didn't, his clothes would be ruined by the transformation. When he was finished, I took the neatly folded garments and locked them – and the invisibility cloak – safely inside the cupboard, where they'd be protected from Moony's madness.
Turning around, I saw that Remus was sitting in the corner, hugging his legs to his chest and resting his chin on his knees. His eyes were wide and unblinking. His gaze was almost hollow, as if he was trying not to think, trying not to feel. Despite his best efforts, there was still a flicker of uncontrollable fear in those emerald orbs. I could tell that he was shaking slightly, not from the cold but from his dread of what was to come.
It was always like this, just before moonrise. Remus would always sink into a morose silence as he tried to prepare himself for a night spent in madness. Prongs, Wormtail, and I could make things better for him but we couldn't stop the wolf from claiming his mind and body. We couldn't give Remus the control he desperately wanted, the control to push away the mind of the monster. Nothing could.
Sadly, I sat down next to him, leaning back against the wall.
Remus didn't say anything. He didn't even look at me. I hadn't expected him to.
Tentatively, I placed my hand on his head and ran my fingers through his hair. After all these months of tension between us, I wasn't sure how he would take the comforting gesture. When he didn't protest, I continued to smooth back the slightly unkempt shoulder-length locks.
My friend's eyes drifted shut but minute tremors still wracked his slender frame. His face had gone pale and his scalp was cold against my fingers. It wouldn't be long now.
I felt Remus tense suddenly under my touch. When he turned his head to look at me I found myself staring into the golden eyes of a wolf that was moments away from being unleashed for the night.
"Change!" Remus hissed desperately.
Immediately, I did as he asked. As soon as my transformation was complete, Remus turned towards me and frantically sunk his fingers into the thick fur of my back. Shifting closer, he clung to me as the agony hit him. Then, when the crunching and grinding of rearranging bones and muscles assaulted my ears, he began to convulse in earnest.
I whined pitifully as blunt fingers turned to sharp claws that sunk deep into my flesh.
"Sirius…" I heard him gasp in a mutilated voice that was closer to a growl than it was to human speech. Even with him clutching and keeping me so close that I couldn't see him, I knew that that had been it, the last fragment of humanity being stripped away. He was very nearly fully wolf now, any moment he would howl.
Almost just as the thought crossed my mind, the claws that were imbedded in my skin were painfully ripped away and a keening bay resounded in the shack. Soon, it was replaced by a sinister growl that flooded my veins with needles of ice. I could feel that something was…different.
When I looked up, the frigidity invaded my heart. The wolf was crouching directly in front of me, fur puffed out and fangs bared. This, taken by itself, was normal. On the full moons when it was just Moony and me, we would spend the night darting around the shack, playing. However, Moony was always vicious in the way he played. When he knocked me to the ground he would rip me open with teeth and claws. He would often snarl, just as he was doing now, right before a pounce. It was never meant to be an attack though.
This – whatever followed – was going to be an attack. I could tell by glint in his eyes. It wasn't just madness or wild brutality that glimmered there. It was anger. And why was he angry? Because Moony was feeling something I never would have thought possible. Betrayed. By me. This was the first time Padfoot had run with him since the Prank and while Remus had forgiven me, I now knew that Moony hadn't.
The wolf sprung forward, easily pinning me to the floor. Within seconds he made me realize how wrong I had been about the previous moons I had spent with Remus in dog form. Moony had never been tearing me apart while playing. He had scratched and bit at me. He had given me some pretty serious gashes and made me bleed quite a bit. He had never, ever, torn me apart, though.
That was what he was doing now.
And God, it hurt. It hurt so much.
Before I could even react, I was bleeding everywhere. His claws were shredding me, his teeth were splitting me open, and it was clear he had no intention of stopping until he had extracted my penance. Remus would never have taken me as a physical outlet for his sense of hurt and betrayal but the wolf would. The wolf was.
That was why I couldn't fight back. It had been over a year since I had spent my first full moon as Padfoot. While then I would have been helpless to defend myself against an assault such as this, I had learned much about being a dog in the interim. With a little force and a little trouble, I could push the wolf off of me. Only I wouldn't.
Moony's fury was not unjustified. I had done something for which I did not merit forgiveness. If the wolf wanted to see me suffer for my mistake, I would give him that. Just as I would have let Remus punch me into unconsciousness, if he had wanted. That wasn't like Remus, though. And Remus had never been angry with me. Moony was, though. Because he was a vicious beast and that was what he knew best.
The wolf sank his teeth so deeply into one of my paws that I thought he meant to tear it from my leg. I yelped loudly but didn't so much as move. Something flashed through me. It wasn't fear. It was a single thought. Finally, someone's making me pay. Dumbledore had let me off so easily and then Remus himself had forgiven me upon seeing my remorse when I realized that he would have been executed for killing Snape. Now though, I was enduring something that would assuage my guilt.
So I didn't defend myself or even squirm away to ease the pain of the onslaught. After all, I deserved it.
Oh, sweet Merlin. My entire body ached. I was so stiff that I could barely move. I felt like…well, like I had been split in two by a wolf. I was not in nearly as much pain as I had been before I blacked out but my head was pounding and I was finding it slightly difficult to concentrate.
Where… Where was I?
Dazedly, I opened my eyes. Everything beyond a radius of two feet was blurry. I was…I was curled up in a large basket that had been filled with comfortable, fluffy pillows. Confused, I tried to focus on something further away. At first my vision darkened ominously but it cleared after I blinked several times. My headache also released some of its hold on me.
The hospital wing. I was in the hospital wing. Now everything made sense. Madam Pomfrey had obviously found me just after moonset, in what must have been pretty bad condition. She had brought me back here to take care of me. No doubt she was nearby. I would have to wait until I was sure I could slip away unnoticed. Then I'd hide somewhere and safely transform back.
The quiet shuffling of robes drew my eyes to Remus, who was sitting in a chair just next to my basket. His head was bowed and his hands were folded over his face. I could feel the tension and guilt radiating off of him. His back was hunched forward and his shoulders were tightly drawn together. He was shaking.
Ignoring the pain and tautness, I forced myself to stand up and silently pad around to the front of Remus' chair. Then I pushed myself up on my back legs and raised my front paws until they were resting on my friend's knees. Leaning forward, I pressed my nose against his fingers and whimpered softly.
Remus stiffened and lowered his hands. His eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles. There were several partially healed scratches on his cheeks and his features were drawn tight with anxiety and remorse. His gaze was full of misery, transforming his face into a mask of sorrow.
"Padfoot," he choked on my nickname.
Oh, Remus. No, no, no. It wasn't his fault. He didn't have to tear himself up like this. No. I hated the desolation and self-loathing that marred his face. He hadn't done this to me. The wolf had done this to me. He hadn't had control over it. Regardless of whether he could remember it or not, it hadn't been him. It had been the wolf, the wolf's anger and the wolf's claws. He didn't need to blame himself. He didn't need to hate himself for the monster he couldn't control.
God, why did we have to be in the hospital wing? I needed to transform back and tell him all of this. I needed to make him feel better. As a dog, I was helpless to do anything except watch him.
In a jerking movement, Remus reached towards me. I thought he was going to ruffle my fur but his hand froze just over my snout. He shook his head and let his arm drop. "Can you walk?" he asked gruffly.
I barked and wagged my tail. I could walk. It wouldn't be very much fun, but I could walk.
"Good. Let's go back to the dorm room," he suggested.
I barked again and brought my front paws down to the floor. Remus stood up and slowly strode from the room. He was obviously tired but also being considerate of the fact that I had, up until quite recently, been unconscious. Grateful for the opportunity to take my time, I trailed after him.
"Sirius!" Remus cried out in alarm, rushing forward to catch me before I tumbled to the floor. "Come on," he said, slipping an arm around my waist so that he could help me to my bed.
"Thanks, Remus," I whispered, "Guess I'm a little worse off than I thought." I had transformed back as soon as we had made sure that no one was in the dorm room. At first, I had felt no more pain than I had as a dog. That had changed as soon as I tried to stand, though. A great wave of dizziness had nearly knocked me from my feet.
Tiredly, I sunk down onto my bed and stretched out. Thanks to Madam Pomfrey, my wounds were well on their way to healing. They still, however, stung and burned. Many of them, I could already tell, would scar.
The bed dipped as Remus settled himself onto the mattress. Hesitantly, he touched my shoulder. "Sirius, I…I'm sorry."
I placed my hand over his. "It's not your fault," I tried to convince him.
Remus snatched his hand away. "Don't tell me it's not my fault," he hissed, losing the calm composure his voice usually contained. "My claws did this to you," he gestured at the cuts that covered my body. "Come moonset, I found myself covered in blood. I thought it was mine but then I saw you…"
"Remus…"
He wouldn't even meet my gaze. "You were lying motionless in the middle of the room, your fur more red than black," his voice broke. "There were cuts all over your body, clumps of black fur and smears of blood on the floor surrounding you… For a moment…I thought I had killed you. Just like I have in so many of my nightmares. Do you realize what that would mean?"
How could he even ask me that? "Of course I realize!" I snapped angrily. "I wouldn't forget something like that. You'd be executed."
"What?" his face was incredulous, "That's not what I meant! Sirius," he quieted down, "It would mean that…that I'd be responsible for killing my best friend."
Oh. I didn't know what to say. I was caught somewhere between shock and joy. "Best friend?" I echoed vaguely.
"Surely you realized?" he asked demurely.
"I knew that I was before the Prank. I just didn't think…" I shook my head, "I didn't think that you'd feel the same…after."
"Well I do. Do you think that I'd be trying so hard to fix things between us if I didn't?" He lowered his gaze. "Do you think I'd have been so scared about nearly killing you?"
"Remus," I drew his eyes back to my face but still couldn't get him to look directly at me. "You have no control over what you do as a wolf. I know that and I don't blame you for what happened. Don't blame yourself."
"How can I not?" he rubbed a hand over his face. For a moment I thought he had started crying but when he looked at me his eyes were dry. "The wolf is a part of me, Sirius. He's not just something I turn into once a month. I should have realized that–"
"That the wolf would be angry with me?" I interrupted.
"Yes!" he exclaimed, "I should have known that in wolf form my…hurt would turn into something far more dangerous. I should have waited longer before letting you come back to the shack."
"Why?" I pressed, even though I knew it was useless. Remus had made up his mind to feel remorseful for this. I wanted to make him see his guilt was baseless but it was futile, as always. "What difference would that have made? The wolf would still have been furious, no matter how long you waited."
"I shouldn't have told James and Peter not to come. If Prongs had been there he'd have been able to help you," he continued, virtually ignoring my words. "You wouldn't have been hurt so badly."
"I wanted to be hurt like that," I mumbled under my breath.
"Things would have been better outside, instead of cooped up in–" He suddenly gave me a very strange look as my words registered in his mind. "You what? What do you mean you wanted to be hurt like this?"
"I could have defended myself if I wanted. I…I deserved it, Remus. I deserved what happened."
"Don't say that, Sirius," he admonished. "No one deserves that. Why do you think that–" His eyes went wide. "Oh, Sirius. Not because of the Prank. Don't tell me it was because of the Prank."
I closed my eyes. "Why else?"
"You…you're still feeling that guilty?" He was worried again. I seemed to make him do that a lot.
"Yeah," I breathed, barely audible. It hadn't helped. Moony hurting me. It hadn't helped. I had thought it would, but it hadn't. I still felt guilty. I sighed. That was because there was no shortcut, no cop out. I had to let my emotions run their course. I couldn't go and get myself beat up and expect that to solve everything, even if I had deserved it.
I felt his hand against my shoulder again. "Sirius..." I heard him sigh. "It was a thoughtless mistake. We have to deal with its aftermath, not live in the past."
I let myself look at him again. His eyes were studying me. This time they didn't shift away. "I know that. I just…can't help it. Just like you can't help feeling guilty for this," I gestured at my torn and bruised skin.
He smiled ruefully, acknowledging the truth of my statement. "What are we going to do with each other?"
I chuckled. "I suppose we'll muddle through somehow."
His bearing lightened somewhat. "At least we both care enough to try."
"Hmm," I grunted my agreement.
A somewhat comfortable silence fell between us. I was nearly on the verge of drifting off to sleep when Remus spoke again. "I don't think you should come with us during the next full moon."
Suddenly, I was fully alert again. "No!" I exclaimed, much more forcefully than I had meant to. "If you tell me not to come because you've realized that you can't really trust me then I'll respect that," my throat was tight but I forced the words out. "But don't you dare tell me to stay away because you might hurt me again. That's my choice to make, not yours."
"And what would your choice be?" his eyes never left mine.
I swallowed, feeling a sudden pang of dread in my heart. "To be there with you. To help you… I just want to help you." I paused. "Do you want me there, Remus? If you weren't worried about what you might do to me, would you want me there?" Hopefully he still did. Hopefully, whatever had made him ask me to accompany him last night hadn't faded.
He nodded.
"Then I'll be there," I couldn't hide the relief from my voice. "Nothing you say is going to change that." I left no room for argument.
"I just…don't think I could live with myself if I…killed you." He sounded heartbreakingly helpless.
"You won't kill me."
"How do you know that?" he demanded, "I could have killed you last night!"
I sat up so that our eyes would be level. "That's right, Remus. You could have. But you didn't. I lost consciousness well before moonset. Why, in all the time that I was out, didn't the wolf end me?" I didn't give Remus time to answer. "Because even when you're in wolf form, some part of you recognizes me. And don't argue," I ordered, knowing he was about to do just that. "You know it's true because last night proved that. If Moony hadn't recognized me, he wouldn't have been angry with me."
"All right, Sirius," he conceded defeat, "All right. But…you can't let this happen again. If I… If I try to hurt you this badly next time, you have to… I need you to stop me. You might believe that I won't kill you but I–"
"Don't," I finished for him. "You don't believe that. You're not a monster, Remus."
He shook his head. "I know. You showed me that. Sometimes…it's just hard to not doubt…to not think that I am. Please, Sirius. Promise me you'll be more careful."
Biting my lip, I nodded. This hadn't turned out at all like I had hoped. I had wanted the wolf to take his anger out on me so that I would feel better, feel like I had paid for my misdeed. I had never wanted to make Remus feel worse about himself.
Why couldn't anything ever be simple?
Feeling my headache threatening to return, I lay down again.
"It's well into lunch. Do you want me to go to the Great Hall and snag you something?" Remus asked after a while.
I smiled wearily. "That'd be brilliant. Thanks."
"Good. It'll give me a chance to tell Prongs and Wormtail that you'll be all right. They were worried about you when they left for class this morning. I'll be back soon," he said, getting up to leave.
So, Padfoot had spent his first full moon with Moony since the Prank. Perhaps it hadn't gone quite as I had expected or wanted but it was something at least. After all, it had to be important that Moony hadn't killed me, that Remus felt so horrible for hurting me, and that he still wanted me to come with him during the full moons. Remus still considering me his best friend and not wanting me to feel guilty had to mean something. Right?
"Remus?" I stopped him just as he would have left the room.
He turned back to look at me, brow furrowing slightly. "Yeah, Sirius?"
"We…we're getting better, aren't we?" I needed to hear him say it. I needed to know if he still thought our friendship could work out.
He smiled. For the first time since my waking up in the hospital wing, it touched his eyes. "Yeah, Sirius. We're getting better."
THE END