Genesis 1
1 In
the beginning God created the heavens and the earth…and may more
things that he made while practicing, which were too shit-encrusted
to even remember. Most of them had tentacles.
2 And the earth was without form, and void, kind of like your mom; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. Light hadn't been created yet, for alas it wasn't necessary. There was not yet porno, and thus no light with which to look at it. So the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3 And God clapped and said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4 And God saw the light, which hurt his divine eyes after all that endless darkness, and found that clap lights were good for all of those too lazy to get up
to turn on the lights. And God divided the light from the darkness.
5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day, and they were honestly pretty boring.
6And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. He made up the word "firmament" on the spot, just because it sounded neat. He's God, he can do that sort of thing and get away with it.
7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day, and making God long to create strippers to cut the ever-loving boredom down a bit.
9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. But he failed, because alas this planet has many lakes, seas, oceans and rivers. So water wasn't exactly all in one place, but it was written as so into the Bible, and no one thought to question it.
10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it whooped even Batman's ass, though he still hadn't admitted to making the rivers and lakes. He was God, after all. He makes no mistakes.
11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth crab grass, marijuana, palm trees, and the those kinds of palm trees with coconuts, and pond scum crawling with amoebas, upon the earth: and it was so.
12And the earth brought forth crab grass, and marijuana in all different types, and the palm trees, and all sorts of other things, like Inflatable Friends and rubber chickens: and God saw that it actually sucked a lot of elephant cock, but that couldn't be written into the Bible. So God created the idea of politics, and smiled, declaring that all was good.
13 And the evening and the morning were the third day, which was a much better day than the first two, because now God had marijuana, palm trees, rubber chickens, and Inflatable Friends.
14 And God said, Let there be lights in that firmament thing of the heavens to divide the day from the night; and let there be signs, like road signs, such as "watch for moose", and let there be seasons, like bathing suit season on a beach frequented only by the naked obese, so all stomachs would spring forth the glory of all they had eaten, and for days, like Bring Your Chiggers To Work Day, and years, like 1972…:
15 And let them be for lights in that big firmament thingiemabob of the heavens to give lights upon the earth: and it was so that those neon lights in raves and strip clubs were created, because all that marijuana and those Inflatable Friends had to be used for SOMETHING.
16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day and burn out people's corneas and cause cancer, and the lesser light to rule the night and have different cultures later argue over what was on it: a man, or a rabbit, or a narwhal, or just a bunch of random rocks; he made the stars also, which were easier than making Earth because God knew that no one would EVER think that other species were living near them. Why not? Because the Bible says so, and that's that.
17 And God set them in the giant firmament thingie of the heaven to give light upon the earth and sunburns and plagues of darkness on its people, who would alternately obsessively apply sunscreen or walk randomly into trees.
And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light, which was the time of fat people in chicken suits, from the darkness, which was the time when the strip clubs would open: and God saw that it kicked more ass than George Bush in a sumo-wrestling suit.
19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day, which was about as interesting as someone with Ebola, because now there were raves, strip clubs, Inflatable Friends, and a barren rock with a man, a rabbit, a narwhal, and a bunch of random rocks on it.
20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly lots and lots of moving, living shit, and lots of annoying birds that may fly above the earth in the open firmament thingie of heaven while screeching and crapping on whatever they damned well felt like.
21 And so God created great whales, including narwhals, which are basically gigantic fish that can capsize large ships, and every living creature that moveth, screecheth, pisseth, and shitteth, which the waters somehow brought forth abundantly, meaning, lots and lots of mosquitoes, and every winged irritating bird and three more almost exactly like it: and God saw that it kicked as much monkey ass as a ninja in a bear suit.
22And God blessed them, saying, "Go get drunk and fuck," which was later translated into "Be fruitful and multiply", which sounds more Godlike and poetic, sort of like the New Testament quoting Jesus as saying, "Drink of my blood and eat of my body", which sounds a hell of a lot better than what he REALLY said, which was "Eat me…EAT ME!" while he repeatedly grabbed his balls. And God instructed for the seas to be filled with something besides fish shit and toxic waste, and to let the fowl multiply in the earth, which is why there are always so many birds willing to dive bomb your car or poop on your head.
23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day, which was cursed with birds, narwhals, and multitudes of mosquitoes that carried the plague.
24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth all sorts of living shit, like chiggers, buffaloes, and midgets in suitcases pretending to be bombs on airplanes, and creeping things, like politicians, and beasts of the earth, like giant, ground-dwelling octopi wearing bondage suits: and it pretty much went like that.
25 And God made more moving things on the earth, like jackalopes and rabid gophers, and every thing that creepeth and shitteth and danceth upon the earth, as well as toads, which would later conquer much of Florida: and God saw that it was as good as taking as fat shit after eating a large, mooing creature and several packages of pop rocks.
26 And God said, Let me make man in the image of myself: Fat, lazy, and craving sex, after my likeness, only not, and let them have dominion over the narwhals of the sea, and over the annoying birds of the air, over Cthulhu, and over toads, and over all the earth, and over every pooping thing that poopeth upon the earth, because man has the nukes and ozone-depleting chemicals to do so.
27 So God created man in his own image, only not, and God created them, male and female, created he them so someone could finally make porn for him to watch, so they could fill the earth with things even more annoying than birds and large toads, and God saw that it was as good as a road-kill carcass rotting on a hot day. And because roadkill appeals to only those blessed with necrophilia, it was on this day that God created the Playboy Channel.
28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, "Go get drunk and fuck, and have lots of kids with other creatures such as sheep and the gigantic cannibalistic lake carp, and subdue it by cutting down all the trees and destroying all of the natural resources, and lord yourselves over all of the parasite-ridden birds of the air and humans named Bob, the and over every living thing that you could possibly killeth on this earth."
29 And God said, "Behold, I have given you all sorts of random things to eat that you never should, such as oysters and pig hearts, so you can get sick and vomit, thus fueling the toilet-making economy.
30 "And I have given you every beast of the earth to kill at random, pre-determined periods during the year, and the blessings to start killing one another if you get bored… Just don't eat the corpses. That's just gross."
31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it kicked much large-pantyed granny ass. And so the evening and the morning were the sixth day, as God decided that yes, he needed to take a piss, because he'd been holding it in for most of eternity. And so he turned, unzipped his trousers, and let his blessings fall upon the earth…
32 And so God created beer, on that glorious, cannibalistic lake carp-infested sixth day.