Pairings: Pearl/Amethyst, past Rose/Pearl, past Greg/Rose
Warnings: grief, mourning, death mentions, food/eating mentions.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Rebecca Sugar and Cartoon Network do.
A/N: Dedicated to Shiloh. Happy (Early) Birthday! Got carried away with and it isn't 100% what you wanted, I'm sorry for that, but I got sidetracked halfway through. Hope you still like it, though, and that it cheers up during this bad times.
Up until now, Pearl had been able to hide it rather well. Even when her eyes would fill with tears, if Steven was up or around, or Amethyst and Garnet, she would manage to keep them in until they were gone. It was a talent of sorts for her. She had long learned how to suppress her emotions somewhat decently, she knew how the others had been annoyed by her mourning Rose. But she hadn't been able to help it; Rose had been the greatest thing in her life and for her to suddenly be gone? Unthinkable. Logically, she knew Rose wasn't really gone, not completely. The Rose she had loved and fused with, was, however. It had been the hardest moment of her life, to say good-bye and know that the next time she saw 'her', she'd be Steven. She had stayed in her room afterwards, locked up and refusing to leave for what was possibly over five years. When she had emerged she had found Amethyst walking out of her room, casually eating what appeared to be, in the following: a tire, an apple, ketchup, and a block of cheese. Gross, she had thought, wrinkling her nose, but cheered up slightly.
Over the years, after meeting Steven, the pain had subsided slightly. Still there but not the focus of her every thought. That was until he insisted on seeing his father even after moving in. Why did he want to interact with Greg so much? The logical side of her brain said "Humans sometimes have strong bonds with their parental figures." she often ignored that part, thinking of how Rose had left her often when Greg was around. She knew they mainly just goofed around and made the silliest jokes she had ever heard, but still. Why didn't he want to spend more time with her? Was she boring? It was something she didn't like to think about, and thus, often shoved aside and simply stored it up until she could sing it and cry when alone.
That was until today. Steven had left early that morning, (not even eating breakfast!) shouting a cheerful "Bye Pearl, be back later!" to her and was out the door before she fully had responded. Now with the house and the temple presumably empty, Pearl sat on the sofa. All the happiness was out of her, the happiness that Steven had made possible for her to feel again. There was no Garnet around to make her feel like her existence was justified or worthwhile. No Amethyst, either, to make one of her crass jokes and Pearl play fight with her. No, she was alone. At the thought of that, she couldn't hold back the feelings she had been boarding up lately. Tears began to burn in her eyes and she felt her chest tighten and her breath hitch. Yes, she was alone.
No Rose, no Steven... no purpose... just alone. Until Rose, she never known what loneliness truly was. How horrible, how sad it was... how it left you empty and just walking through life. When Rose had had Steven, she had wanted to be shattered. But now with Steven, she could not leave him... he needed a teacher... a friend. Or maybe she did. She let out a choked sob and placed a hand over her face, ashamed of how she was acting. She was a Crystal Gem, she represented the ways and dream of Rose Quartz now. She had to be strong for her. It was so hard, she wasn't as tough as Rose, had never been. She had been cocky back when she had Rose (oh, how naive she had been and not sure how to communicate) or when she had Garnet. But that was all fake esteem.
Now she was just a pathetic, crying and singing to herself, broken Pearl. She sobbed harder at that and hugged her knees to her chest. It was too much. She needed Rose. She was too disassociated to notice or hear Amethysts' temple door open.
Amethyst started to talk loudly.
"Yo, P, we still got any of those giant eggs? I'm gonna cram them in mouth to see how many I can fit in there! Ooh, I should eat some of that cheese with it." she said, in her usual, cool and carefree voice.
Pearl still did not notice her, her thoughts full of Rose and the past. Amethyst sighed in annoyance when Pearl didn't answer. She walked over to the couch and was about to kick it or go "Boo!" to scare her, until she saw Pearl was crying. Amethyst stopped and put her foot back down, a sudden sense of that familiar helplessness washing over her. She hated to feel like this, not knowing what to say or do. This was what Garnet was best at. But Garnet was on a mission. She cleared her throat as loudly as possible and finally Pearl's head snapped up and she looked around wildly until her eye managed to focus on Amethyst. Her cheeks turned a bright blue, and along with her mussed up pink hair and tear stained face, Amethyst had to admit that despite the seriousness of the situation, she looked adorable.
She decided to speak again, to break the silence. "Um... P, are you okay?"
"No!" Pearl burst out, her eyes screwed shut. "No! I'm not okay. I haven't been for a long time!"
To her surprise Pearl turned and wrapped her arms around Amethyst, pulling her tightly against her. Amethyst stood still, shocked at what was happening. Pearl had not hugged her in such a long, long time. Not since Rose had been alive and Pearl had been different. They had laughed and played together, sang together, and Pearl had hugged her. Amethyst had played it off, acted like she was embarrassed whilst secretly wishing Pearl would kiss her like she kissed Rose. If only those days would come back and they could be happy, But then there would be no Steven and Amethyst would never wish him gone, so she knew she had to accept those days were over. Then it occurred to her that she should maybe recorcipiate the hug, if she wanted this to happen.
She blinked and slowly she wrapped her arms around Pearl. It felt strange. Amethyst patted her on the back, a bit too hard, as Pearl gasped. Amethyst muttered a low apology and rubbed her back. She secretly thought how smooth her skin was, how it wasn't marred or rough, not like how her skin felt. She was suddenly aware of how Pearl's face was on her head, her cheek pressed against her, the hair her cheek was against feel wet, her chest mere inches from Amethysts' face. Amethyst blushed and looked away.
"P, you need to talk. What's wrong?" she finally ventured again.
"It's just Steven and Rose, it's too much... he's so much like her and like her, he chose him!" she said, flushing blue when she realized how childish her last words had sounded. But they were true, it was true, he had.
Amethyst frowned and then just as she was about to make a comical remark, it dawned on her what Pearl really meant. She thought Greg would take Steven from her and them. Which was nonsense. Greg knew how Steven needed to train so he'd never do such a thing. Plus, the poor dude didn't have a house. Pearl most likely thought Steven loved Greg more as well. Bullcrap as well. Steven loved everyone, as he frequently proclaimed "I love you!" to her and the other gems, Greg, and people in Beach City.
When she looked up, she saw that Pearl was embarrassed and knew she had to be careful, as she didn't want to hurt her.
"Pearl, that's not true. Steven loves you equally, and you know, Rose never left you. Not really. She loved both of you and you know that. You... you knew her better than me." she faltered, saddened when she remembered that Rose had never entrusted her with her secrets or the same amount of trust,
Pearl stiffened for a moment and then pulled back, "Amethyst... " she began, unsure of what to say, her eyebrows furrowed.
Amethyst shook her head, "Nah, let me finish. I'm not fool, I know you two were together, how much you both shared. I also know how close she was to Greg. Lemme tell you, she wouldn't want you to think she loved you less. I know it's hard and how you feel, blah blah blah, all that jazz, and like, sometimes... I feel like you guys don't even want me around most of the time." she bowed her head, unable to look at Pearl, her guilt stricken face.
Great, just great. She wanted to comfort Pearl, not hurt her. But like always, she had screwed it up with her thoughtless comment. Did she ever learn? No.
She hated this. "Sorry, Pearl, shouldn't have tried... messed it up, huh?"
With that, she quickly untangled herself from Pearl and made her way to the temple door. However, before she could open her door, she heard a panicked "W-wait!" from behind her and a scrambling noise. She turned around with a sigh and came face to face with Pearl, who was running towards her. Shocked, she stepped backwards, just as Pearl lounged at her. Caught off guard, she fell over with an "oomph!", Pearl landing on her, her face touching Amethysts'.
Amethyst swallowed loudly, her face flushing as she realized she was eye to eye with Pearl, their noses touching, their mouths mere inches apart. She could feel Pearl's breath, hesitant, as Pearl sometimes didn't bother to breathe.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to knock you over, I... " she averted her eyes to Amethysts' lips and her face turned a darker shade of blue. "I, uhm, I just wanted you to to stop."
"Pearl?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
Pearl was taken aback, having thought she had heard her wrong at first. Amethyst? Amethyst wanted her, a pearl who e cried constantly, who sang to herself in the dark of her room, who rocked back and forth whilst she did so? But, but, why? Her mind raced, trying to find the answer, a logical one. One that was so simple and plain, one could see it without effort. Pearl couldn't see it. Amethyst and her had had fun together when Rose was alive, Amethyst distracting her while Rose was out with Greg. Doing puzzles with her (which Amethyst hated, she hated sitting still, concentrating on something that had a planned end), reading books, the boring, manuel kind. Amethyst holding her hand as they walked on the beach, Amethyst shapeshifting into silly animals to make her laugh when she frowned when she realized how late it was and Rose hadn't returned.
It struck her then. Had, all these years, Amethyst done those things out of love? Did... Amethyst love her? Does Amethyst love me, her mind corrected, her eyes widened, and she opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was gibberish. Amethyst rolled her eyes and said,
"Man, P, I gotta do all the work myself, you owe me for this, you know. I just came out to eat and now this."
Then Amethyst kissed her.
Pearl had never looked more forward to repaying a debt in her life.
All her sorrows were temporarily out of her mind, as she kissed Amethyst back gently, one hand cupping the back of Amethyst's head, the other on her lower back. Even though she knew they would come back, she had Amethyst with her now and maybe, just maybe, she could find some healing and let the wounds of the past gradually heal.