WARNING: Crack!fic with lots of WTF moments, stereotyping, flying bricks, nose-bleed-causing yoai, inside jokes, horrible OOC-ness, Character selves/OCs, swearing, sex and more. What do you expect? I wrote it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS KATE!
RATED: MA15+
Quick intro of characters:
Sharnie – Myself.
Kate - DoubleOh / My awesome American friend~
Jo – MangaCrazy101/ Jb my awesome friend~
Emily – Kate's friend of whom I have spoken to once or twice.
Riku, Roxas, Sora, Axel & Heartless belong to Kingdom Hearts.
The Akatsuki, Sasuke, Karin & Sakura belong to Naruto.
Edward Elric & Roy Mustang belong to Fullmetal Alchemist.
Allen Walker, Yuu Kanda and Lavi Bookman belong to D Gray-Man.
Jacob belongs to Twilight. (Ew.)
–
Kate was beyond fucking pissed.
And when the dirty blonde stormed into the main room where everyone was hanging out and flung herself onto Sharnie's black bean bag in the dimly lit corner of the room, everyone knew something was up.
"Kate?" asked Jo timidly walking over to the angry girl; she was worried Kate might blow up. "Is everything okay?"
Kate turned to Jo and gave her the darkest glare she could muster. Jo shrunk back and let out a 'meep', cowering behind her precious Riku. And her glare darkened when Sharnie burst into the room with a massive smile on her face and yelled:
"MERRY CHRIS- Wait. Why is everyone so gloomy? Oh. Kate~ Are you pissed because of-"
And that's about as far as she got before Kate pounced on her and started strangling her. Yep. Kate was pissed and Sharnie definitely knew why.
"Sharnie! You tell anyone and I swear-"
Sharnie's eyes widened and she hurriedly lifted her hands and waved them in the air in front of her, signalling she wouldn't say anything. Kate got off of her slowly to make sure she didn't say anything and then went back to the emo corner covered in posters of Sharnie's favourite bands.
"Ah~ Kate! Cheer up!" Jo cried, walking over to the girl trying to cheer her up. One slip up and she knew she was done for - Kate would 'have her head on a chopstick' as Sharnie liked to say.
–
"Kate?" Roxas asked, slowly walking over to Kate. He was worried for the blonde – she had found Sharnie's iPod and was moving her head in time with the music playing on it.
Jo, Emily, Riku and Jacob – who was munching away on HIS cookie - watched quietly as Kate ignored poor Roxas and continued to listen to the music.
Sharnie had long left the room and gone to her own room where she was typing away furiously on her laptop while the stereo behind her belted out the same tunes Kate was listening to.
The older Elric had also left claiming he was off to the kitchen to get something to eat and Roy followed but even this didn't spark Kate's attention. Everyone was worried.
–
Jo sighed. She needed to pee, and trying to cheer Kate up from what ever was bothering her was not working. Jo got up and walked out of the room into the hallway. She stared at her feet as she slowly walked to the bathroom and opened the door. She heard a gasp and looked up to see she had walked in on Sora and Axel.
Jo covered her eyes and turned beet red. She went to scream but found a hand covering her mouth and pulling her out of the room.
"What are you doing baka?"
Jo uncovered her eyes and saw Sharnie standing there with her hands on her hips and a camera around her neck, angry she had interrupted.
–
"Kaaaaaaaaaate" Jacob whined. "I have no cookies left."
Kate's head turned around slowly, her hair shadowing her eyes before she looked up and gave him a death glare of doom that caused everyone to shudder.
"EMMMMILLLLLLLLY!" Jacob cried running behind the girl named Emily, "Kate still isn't responding and I want more cookies!"
Sharnie walked into the lounge room with a horribly freaked out Jo. After sending Jo another annoyed glance she looked over at Kate and sighed. Kate was in Sharnie's corner, Jacob was crying to Emily about his cookies and Roxas was trying to console Kate.
"Kaaaaaaaaaaate~!" Sharnie sang and waving a booklet around in her hand. "Look-y here! Your Christmas present! It took me a while but now it's finished! I hope this cheers you up somewhat!"
Sharnie bounced over to the girl and grinned excitedly. She plopped down next to Kate and passed Kate the booklet.
"KATE'S PHOTOS"
Kate although still pissed was curious now. She flipped open the book and gasped as Sharnie handed her a tissue.
"H-how?" Kate said grinning happily while wiping her nose. "Where did you get these?"
"Here and there" Sharnie replied with shifty eyes, pushing her camera behind her back.
Roxas walked over and tried to peer at the pictures but Kate growled and closed the book.
Jo looked over at the trio and sidled over to the two girls as Roxas walked back to his seat.
"What are the pictures of?" Jo asked suspiciously, looking at the bloody tissues.
'Everybody, shake your body! Lift your hands! Stop frontin' your just a puppet~'
Sharnie laughed and answered her mobile. "Sasuke! Ah!~ How is your fight with Danzo? Ah. Oh. Okay. Yes I understand. Alright. *sigh* Yes. Okay. Love you too. Bye..."
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1..
"AH THAT BASTARD AIN'T COMING TO VISIT ME FOR CHRISTMAS!" Sharnie yelled angrily before she stomped further into her emo corner.
Jo sighed and threw her arms up in the air. She gave up. Her friends were doomed to be emo.
"Sharnie ... " Jo began, "I have skittles?" No response. "O-Oh u-um I have a picture of Sasuke and Naruto?" Still nothing. "Oh god. She's not responding... eh... I caught Sakura and Karin and you can hurt them as much as you want?" Zip. "Chocolate?" Nope. "Cheesecake?" Nada. "*sigh* A picture of Allen, Lavi and Kanda? Doing naughty stuff?" Jo blushed at the thought of the picture she had for just this occasion.
"AH GIMME!" Sharnie yelled and glomped Jo, searching her jacket pockets for the beloved picture. Jo pulled it out of her pocket and handed it to Sharnie who proceeded to drool over the picture while holding a tissue to her nose.
Then the door opened. DUN DUN DUN! MUAHAHAHAHAH- Sharnie. Give the writer her keyboard back. NO! NEVER! But then- DELETE! NOHEU&G! YOU CANT DELETE ME!EUE(-...
Anyway, what was I up to? Ah that's right.
Then the door opened and Ed and Roy walked in. Everyone's eyes followed them as the walked to a near by lounge and both threw themselves out to the lounge exhausted. Sharnie smiled mischievously. A brick flew past.
"Was that a brick?" Kate asked looking around to see who threw it.
"Yes... it was." Jo said, thinking how weird it was.
"Ah! I get it!" Roxas said jumping up and down. "'As subtle as a flying brick'! It's the author's way of making a little crack joke that's not funny about how subtle these guys are!"
"Well why not saying something that is funny? Humph. If she won't then I will." Sharnie turned to the two guys sitting on the lounge sweat dropping. "You guys are about as subtle as a gynaecologist wearing a gas mask."
"Sharnie!" Jo exclaimed in horror while giggling a little. "Have you been googling weird sayings!"
"Maybe..." Shifty eyes.
Kate snickered at what Sharnie had said and blinked when Sharnie started dragging her through the door and down the hallway excitedly.
"Where are we going?" She asked.
Sharnie laughed and said, "My room! You should see what I've been up to."
Kate laughed and followed, curious as to what the older teen had been up to.
–
"Oh. My. God. Sharnie you're brilliant."
"Thank you! Thank you!" Sharnie said with a smile as Kate's eyes remained glued to the computer screen.
"Is there any sound?"
Sharnie flicked the volume on.
"R-roy! Ah! -gasp- S-Stop it! Nnngh...ah! Ah! W-What do y-you think you- ahh! Mnn hahh! AAAH! "
"Oh god!" Kate squealed. On the screen in case you haven't guessed already was Ed and Roy. In the kitchen. Smexing.
"I know right! It's just a bummer the bench is covering all the good bits" Sharnie said with a giggle.
"Ed, yo-you're -gasp so -pant- tight. Ngh. -moan-"
"R-roy, I-I think I-I'm gonna c- "
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING!"
Jo had broken down the door and smashed the monitor to the floor. The whole room was silent for a second as Sharnie stared at the smashed monitor and Kate just stared ahead at where it had been.
Suddenly both girls eyes locked on Jo and she began to – how did Sharnie put it? Ah yes, right. - And she began to sweat like a hooker in church. Hehe xD -ahem- Anyway. _
Jo gulped and dashed through the broken door, Kate and Sharnie chasing after her angrily.
"JO COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"
–
"Edward looks like a chicken!" Emily yelled racing into the room. Jo was unconscious on the floor after she'd been given a sound beating for ruining the best part of the video and destroying the monitor.
"Yeah well Mustang looks like a horse!" Kate yelled back waving her arms angrily.
Brick'd.
"HEY! That wasn't even supposed to be subtle!" Sharnie yelled annoyed as she watched the brick crash into the wall.
"Yeah well I'm the author I can do what I want!" said a booming voice of booming-ness.
"No you can't! Go away!"
"Fine." The voice sniffed before going quiet.
"Hey guys?" Sharnie asked turning to the two girls. The girls turned and glared at her for interrupting their fight.
"Ah well... um." She began nervously before suddenly smiling. "Do you think when Ed and Roy have sex, Ed yells 'Ye-haw horsie~' or 'Ride 'em cowboy!'"
Kate and Emily cracked up laughing and soon found themselves on the floor clutching their stomachs.
"Was it really that funny?"
–
"Uhhhhhhghh..."
Kate looked over at a badly beat up Jo lying on the floor near the lounge Emily was sitting on. The girls were all still sitting in the lounge room. They'd gotten bored waiting for a certain someone to wake and had started playing a game of scrabble. Sharnie was currently winning, mainly because she was cheating by using German and Japanese words. Emily was coming second using strange words that weren't real but everyone decided were allowed anyway. Kate was losing... and boy did she want to defenestrate the damn thing.
Jo let out another groan as she started to stir and move herself into a sitting position.
"Well that's what you get for destroying the monitor and right at the good part too!" Sharnie said, dramatically jabbing her finger at Jo.
"Well you two shouldn't have been watching po-"
"IT'S NOT PORN!"
The four girls watched as a brick flew over their heads.
"Oh come on!" Sharnie said waving her arms dramatically. "Enough with the bricks already you stupid author!"
"May I remind you that I am the author and capable of doing what ever I want? Like removing all yaoi content from this story and destroying your precious Sasuke?" The author's voiced boomed throughout the room.
"But you like Sasuke and yaoi just as much as I do! You'd never do it!" Sharnie yelled.
"Ah touche." The voice said before going quiet.
Kate and Sharnie turned to Jo and watched as she gave them a weird look before smiling at them innocently.
"What the-" Kate began, only to be cut off by Sharnie.
"Whoa~ I feel dizzy" She started to topple over and hit the ground with a 'thud'. Emily was next to drop and soon Kate's eyes began to droop and she found herself falling backwards onto the ground. Her eyes closed and darkness enclosed her mind.
–
"Uggghhhh where am I?" Sharnie groggily sat up and looked around at her surroundings and stopped dead. Why was the infamous group of mass murderers, the 'Akatsuki' dressed in frilly rainbow dresses and having a tea party?
"This has got to be a nine-point-oh on my weird-shit-o-meter." Sharnie muttered as Kate started waking up with a groan. Sharnie got up and dusted the dirt off the back of her dress and – wait what?
"WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IN A DRESS!" Sharnie yelled furiously. The Akatsuki members turned and looked at her. She was sitting in the corner of an open courtyard wearing a frilly canary yellow dress, her brown hair held back in a ponytail with a ribbon the same colour as the dress.
"Ughhhh..." Kate moaned as she sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Remind me to kill Jo later, but first where are we?"
Sharnie looked around, momentarily forgetting about her current clothing problem.
"Ummm why are we in a courtyard surrounded by weird looking people?" Kate asked as she turned to Sharnie, "Wait... WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS? Hah, you're in a dress."
"Well look at you!" Sharnie yelled annoyed. "You're wearing a dress too!"
Brick'd. Twitch.
"Enough with the fucking bricks! Wait... I'M IN A DRESS!" Kate cried, "Oh dear Jesus—GET IT OFFA ME! Dude I hate dresses. Hate 'em, hate 'em HATE HATE HATE!"
Kate went to rip the dress off but stopped when Sharnie reminded her:
"You seriously aren't going to strip in front of the world's most dangerous criminal ninja are you?"
Kate groaned. This was not happening!
"How exactly did we get kidnapped. Wait a minute..." Kate said pausing for a second, "Is Riku the horny mass murderer that kidnapped us? Because that would make so much sense. I always thought he was a lunatic."
Sharnie cracked up laughing and Kate soon joined her. Soon they stopped laughing and it grew silent. Kate and Sharnie turned to the table full of mass murderers wearing dresses and saw that they were staring at them.
"Ooooooookay." Kate said blinking before mumbling that the situation was about as awkward as a bastard on Fathers Day.
"Hey! Where's Emily?" Sharnie suddenly asked looking around for said girl. Kate blinked and looked around, noting there were no signs of the missing girl.
"Sharnie-chan, un." A voice that sounded like Axel called.
"Deidara-kun!" Sharnie called before dashing over to the table and glomping the blond bomber. Deidara smirked and hugged her back before releasing her so she could glomp the other members.
"Sharnie ." A monotone voice said in acknowledgement as the owner found themselves glomped by the brunette teen.
"Itachi." Sharnie grinned . Kate walked over to Sharnie to ask her something but when she saw Itachi's face she blinked.
'DAMN. He's pretty hot.' Kate shook her head to clear her thoughts.
"Em. Anyway," Kate said turning away from the smirking male and directing her attention towards Sharnie. "Okay. So how are we going to get ourselves out of this mess?"
Sharnie dead panned. "You're asking ME that?"
"Ehh yes?"
Sharnie sighed and then soon smiled at Kate.
"All well. Seeing as we're stuck here," Sharnie said motioning to Kate the lack of exits. "Why don't we have some tea? Or Fanta in my case; I fucking hate tea."
Kate nodded.
–
Suddenly there was a large 'BANG!' and smoke filled the room. Sharnie hid behind Itachi and Kate behind Zetsu – the plant dude.
As the smoke started to clear the two girls could just make out three silhouettes. The smoke cleared further and it revealed three guys in weird outfits.
"Who the fuck are you guys?" Kate yelled, pointing at the strangely dressed guys.
"We, my dear damsel, are the Bishonen Justice League!" Came an awfully familiar voice.
"DAMSEL! I'm not a- I'll show you!" Kate yelled furiously.
Sharnie just sat there with a sweat drop rolling down the side of her head. It was silent for a few minutes until a certain blond decided to speak.
"Who the hell are you guys, un?"
Kate looked over at Deidara as he said this and turned back to the three 'Bishonen Justice League' members and nodded to show she to, was curious. Who wouldn't be? Kate suddenly remembered who she was hiding behind and that fact that she had no weed killer so she carefully snuck over to Sharnie.
"I'm Lavi~ 3" Cried the tall red head. "And this is Allen," He gestured to a guy our age with white hair. "And this is Yu-"
"Kanda." The black haired guy said unsheathing his sword a little.
"Ehehehehehe. Yeah Kanda. Um... right, we're here to rescue you!" Lavi said happily.
Sharnie and Kate looked at each other before turning to Kanda and saying, "You'll help us?"
"'Cause quite frankly I don't trust Lavi." Sharnie said; silently pleading to Kanda to help them.
"And Allen's sense of direction is gay-er then Roy." Kate said joining her.
"Hah! Good one." Sharnie grinned.
"Hn. Fine." Kanda muttered.
"Eh! Be careful Sharnie! These guys are creepy and you don't know what you might find inside the castle on your way out, un." Deidara said giving her a hug. Itachi ruffled Sharnie's hair and nodded at Kate before he and the rest of the Akatsuki disappeared with a puff of smoke.
"ARGH!" Sharnie yelled. "Why didn't they take us with them, those bullies!"
–
"Um do either of you three know which way we are going?" Sharnie said annoyed as they stood at a fork in the hallway. "Because Kanda there is starting to look as desperate as a slut who hasn't had sex for a year. You, Lavi, are being that obnoxious that I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire and Allen looks as baffled as Adam on Mother's Day."
All three of them glared at her but Sharnie shrugged and turned to Kate.
"Which hallway?"
Kate sighed and mulled it over before saying, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe: Catch a tiger by the toe. If he squeals let him go; Eeny, meeny, miny, moe!"
Kate pointed to the hallway on the right.
"I thought it was 'nigger'?" Sharnie asked with a raised brow.
"Mm it was," Kate said, "But that could be deemed as racist so it was changed to tiger a few years ago."
"Oh." Sharnie said nodding. The five of them set off down the hallway.
The corridor grew darker as the group continued their trek UDHhgfhdaWGIN MUAHAHAHAHAH IM BACK YOU STUPID AUTHOR!~WOI~~~!fZ!1111111! MUAHAHAHAHAH FUCK YOU AUTHOR I DJ Ughe-
*puts away shovel*
Ahem.
The corridor grew darker as the group continued following it in hopes of escape and they soon found themselves in front of a huge wooden door.
Kanda grunted and he with the help of Lavi and Allen easily opened the door.
The five walked into the middle of the room and once they reached it, the room lit up revealing to the group that they were surround by sleeping heartless. Suddenly there was an evil chuckle that woke them up and the heartless directed their attention towards the group.
"Do you think they noticed?" Kate whispered.
"Do I think?" Sharnie whisper yelled, "Dude we stand out like two hookers in Sunday school!"
"You love that saying don't you?"
". . . yes."
"What's with you and all the hooker and religion sayings?"
"I dunno." Sharnie said with a shrug. Kate sighed.
"Now is not the time for a petty conversation ladies." Came a familiar voice from above.
"It's Riku!" Kate gasped as she pointed towards a small balcony about three stories up and sure as an hooker having an STD there he was! Riku chuckled again and waved to us smugly.
"Ah!" Kate cried suddenly, "Riku IS the horny mass murderer that kidnapped us! I KNEW he was a loony."
"HEY! Riku-kun is NOT a horny mass murderer! Nor is he a loony!"
"Eeeeeeeeeeeh?" Kate said pointing at a person standing next to Riku. "JO?"
"Maybe not a mass murderer but what do you mean NOT horny?" Sharnie cried pointing an accusing finger.
"He's not!" Jo protested while Riku stood there with a sweat drop and the Bishonen Justice League fought off the heartless trying to attack the two girls who were suddenly giggling.
"Then what's with those noises at night?" Sharnie managed to get out between laughs.
"Wha-What noises at night?" A flustered Jo said waving her hands in front of her innocently.
"Oh you know," Sharnie said smirking, "The 'Oooooh RIKU HARDER!' and '*moan* Ah faster faster!'. Can't forget the 'Ahh Riku! I think I'm gonna-'"
"I-I SO don't say that!" Jo stuttered, blushing madly. Riku looked away with a smirk and a slight blush tinting his cheeks.
"Uh-huh." Kate and Sharnie said at the same time.
"A-ah! Just shut up!" Jo yelled as she and Riku disappeared through the doorway.
"DAMN IT!" Kate yelled. "That evil woman and her creepy boyfriend!"
Sharnie ground her teeth together and pulled out a gun and starting shooting at the heartless.
"EH?" Kate yelled. "Where the hell did you get that?"
"Found it." Sharnie said innocently.
"Ah-hah. I don't suppose you found another?" Kate said with a raised eyebrow.
Sharnie smiled and tossed Kate another gun she 'found' and the two girls stood back to back shooting the creepy creatures of doom.
Suddenly they found themselves separated and Kate was pushed towards the guys as Sharnie was pushed away from them.
"Sharnie! Behind you!" Kate yelled, but the brown haired teen didn't have enough time to react as a heartless attacked her from behind. But just before it could land the blow somebody killed it.
"Ah! Sasuke you saved me?" Sharnie asked blinking at the raven haired teen that had rescued her. "A-and I thought you were fighting with Danzo?"
"Of course I did Sharnie, and I was but I put that on hold so I could spend Christmas with you."
"O-oh." Sharnie said with a small smile.
Everyone continued their attack and soon the last heartless had been killed. A staircase appeared and led to the balcony and presumably the way out but Sharnie turned to Sasuke.
"But why?" She asked, "Isn't your revenge more important?"
"Because that's what people do." He said smiling sweetly. "Sharnie, people leap, and they hope to God they can fly, because otherwise they just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down; 'Why in the hell did I jump?'. But here I am, Sharnie, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly is you."
"Sasuke" Sharnie called quietly.
"Yeah?" He asked hopefully.
"You SO stole that off Will Smith!" She yelled.
Kate and Sasuke sweat dropped, causing Sharnie to laugh. She smiled and pecked Sasuke on the lips before grabbing the two's hands and pulling them towards the way out, laughing and calling out a goodbye to the Bishonen Justice League.
–
"I'm bored!" Sharnie wailed later that day as her and Kate stood on the front of the corner store eating ice cream after their rather strange day.
"We," Kate began annoyed, "just escaped from a group of mass murderers! Barely escaped a perverted lunatic! Have been kidnapped and tied up. Were forced to wear dresses, fight numerous heartless and you tell me you're bored? ".
"I think I might dress up as the Grim Reaper." Sharnie said, not paying attention. "And go wave at the people in the nursing home. You want to come with?"
Kate sighed and shook her head before smiling at her friend.
"Sure, I'll come with you!" Kate said. She had so many good ideas that they could use.
"Hehe 'cum'" Sharnie giggled.
"You just had to, didn't you?" Kate sighed.
"Yeah!" Sharnie said with a smile. "Come on let's go! We need to get our costumes and supplies and get there by midnight!"
Kate nodded and the two girls started walking before Sharnie stopped and grinned at Kate.
"Oh yeah! Are you still angry because you found out you were a clueless uke?"
Kate growled and pounced on her friend, attempting to strangle her.
"YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T FREAKING SAY ANYTHING!" Kate yelled.
"Merry Christmas." Jo said giggling at the scene.
"Shuddup Jo! You're a clueless uke too! And don't think we aren't still pissed at you!" Kate growled, baring her teeth at the older girl.
"True! But mine suits me~! And Sharnie's does too! She really is just like a Chibi Seme. And 'sides, you guys love me!"
Kate huffed and turned away annoyed again.
"And we're back to square one." Emily sighed popping up out of nowhere. She had been happily reading fanfics and hanging out with Roy and Ed the whole time.
"Merry Christmas readers~" Sharnie said with a tiny wave, trying to get her breath back. "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year~ 3".
–
FUCKING FINISHED! HUZZAH! I can't believe I FINALLY finished this damn thing~ Hope you enjoyed it Kate and that you liked that little smut scene. ;D
Anyway I'd like to thank:
- Kate herself and allllll the random conversations we had on msn that helped fuel this crack!fic. Hehe, food sex. xD
- My iPod dock & iPod.
- Whoever created Skittles 'cause dude I think I've consumed about 15 packets of the bloody things while writing.
- The creator of 'LOL' drinks. Damn probably a twelve pack of them.
- I'd like to thank all the respective anime/manga characters in this crack!fic for letting me do such horrible things to them. (Oh and local bank for giving me a loan so I could get Kakuzu to agree. -_-;).
- I'd like to thank Sasuke for being an asshole... though a damn sexy one at that.
- semeuke dot com for their lovely quiz that told us if we were semes (Go me~) or ukes ( Haha Kate~).
And last and most importantly,
I'd like to thank you for reading it. :D
End. 3
(24th October 2010: Fixed grammar/spelling errors and fixed names.)