A/N: This is a spoof on the Shikamaru/Temari pairing. I actually support it, Plum Bucket does not. So either way, there's no prejudice. And, if the mood grooves you, support our weird duo and review!
Disclaimer: All the characters used are property of Kishimoto Masashi. No money is made from this story and no copyright infringement is intended.
Shikamaru's Disastrous Rendezvous
Ever since Shikamaru woke up at noon, he had a feeling he should've stayed asleep. He probably got that feeling everyday. Just as he was coming down the stairs, the doorbell rang.
"Shikamaru! The door is for you," yelled his mom.
How troublesome, Shikamaru thought.
When he answered the door, he was quite taken back. He was expecting Chouji but it was Ino.
"Hi, Shikamaru! What do you have planned for tonight?" She asked with a big smile on her face.
"Uh..." responded Shikamaru. He didn't have anything planned except for sleeping.
"Then you won't mind going on a date!"
"With you?"
Ino just made a face of pure disgust. "Eww, no. You are going to take Temari out for a lovely night."
Shikamaru wasn't aware of this. "I wasn't aware of this."
"Well you had better do it or else!"
Sometimes he wished Ino would bug someone else. " Do I have to? Girls are so troublesome."
"Yes! So, meet her at the park at 8:00. Ta-ta, lover boy!" And with that, Ino skipped merrily away.
Shikamaru just depressingly went back to bed.
As the sun slowly set over Konoha, the energetically-challenged Shikamaru finally opened an eye. Resisting the urge to rollover and simply write off the entire day, his indolent gaze fell on his alarm clock. It read the dreadful numbers 7:45—fifteen minutes until his date with Temari. Before the words screw that could pass his lips, Ino's annoying voice resonated in his head. Well you had better do it or else!
Disheveled and unkempt, the youngest of the Nara slowly made his way towards the park. Taking his sweet time to make a few pit stops to buy random junk, he arrived at the rendezvous a solid twenty minutes into date-time.
"Dumbass! You're late!" Was the only greeting he got out of Temari. The Sand Nin was looking rather spiffy for the occasion. She had sported her prettiest ensemble; a short purple and blue dress with massive heels that made her twice the giraffe she usually is.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes as she gave him a scary come-hither look—the woman was obviously fishing for some sort of compliment. Damn it, this is too troublesome. Best to escape now…
Before he had the time to think up some clever excuse to ditch her, Temari got on his case faster than a duck on a June bug. "Yo, gutless wonder, where's my present?"
Her voice immediately jolted him from his shrewd escape plan. After careful consideration, women of her sort had a way of striking the fear of God into men and it was best not to provoke them. "Wah….present? This was a present-thing?"
"Flowers, chocolates, you know…"
"Uhhhh..."
"You. Forgot. My. Present." Temari stated matter-of-factly, smoothing her hair convulsively.
Although cool on the outside, Shikamaru could tell by the twitch in her brow that he better produce a gift soon or else…"Oh! That present," he suavely recuperated the situation as he reached in his pocket for a chocolate bar he bought earlier.
She held out her hand, a devious gleam in her eyes, like a greedy shylock collecting a resilient customer. "Hey! This was opened already!"
Turning the woman away from another annoying frenzy, Shikamaru quickly shifted the topic. "All this bothersome talking is making me hungry. Aren't we supposed to get some grub on these date things."
"Yeah…I hope you got some money…" the sand girl mumbled as she threw the remainders of the chocolate bar on some unsuspecting passer-by.
"Errrrr…"
Finally arriving at the restaurant—a shady pizza place—Shikamaru and Temari sat down in front of a menu. As they were about to order, a skittish Kankurou, calling out to his sister, suddenly interrupted the silent duo.
"Temari…Temari…this is an emergency!" He exclaimed, seemingly from behind a giant rubber-tree plant.
"Huh," the blonde girl queried. "Kankurou? You idiot, why are you hiding in a plant when you're supposed to keep an eye on Gaara?"
This was developing into a distinctly troublesome situation for our favorite slack artist as he furrowed his head in his hands, disturbed by the sudden sand-invasion. "You're making this date too arduous, go away."
"No way," Kankurou objected vehemently. "Gaara is out to get me. Temari, you got to do something or he's going to kill me."
"Did you sit on his crayon box again?"
"No," Kankurou sighed, recalling the last time he had accidentally put the kibosh in Gaara's activities. "I was cooking and…"
"Put a sock in it, tubby," Temari said exasperatedly. "This is my date!"
Cutting them short was the waitress, perplexed that some dude was camping out in the restaurant plants. "Sir…could you get out of the plant, please."
Fumbling towards the table from his inconspicuous hideout, Kankurou tried to ignore the hush-hush comments of the gawking population; 'Check the dude with the face paint' some said, while the others simply assumed the carnival was early this year. The Sand Nin rewarded them with a death-glare before taking place next to an irritated Shikamaru.
Taking it as his cue to go back to bed, Shikamaru stood to leave… only to be violently tackled by a panic-stricken Kankurou. "Oh-my God, duck! There's Gaara!"
"Get off me, you're heavy."
But it was too late. Gaara had seen them and was on his way. Slowly walking towards the strangely composed group, the youngest of the sand siblings' fixated his gaze on Kankurou and Shikamaru, both sprawled out on the floor. "Get off the floor, you idiot," he sneered in a creepy tone at Kankurou's attention. " Or I'm going to kill you."
Man, this one freaks me out…this could be troublesome, the leaf ninja thought to himself, carefully avoiding to look back at Gaara. As soon as the hefty Sand Genin managed to get back up, Shikamaru sat back next to Temari. Discouraged and tired, he kept his eyes on the exit.
"Kankurou's cooking disgusts me," Gaara stated placidly, as if he was expecting his sister to solve the problem.
"Errr…well, sit down G-Ga-Gaara," the girl stammered, trying to sound as normal as possible.
Acknowledging her, Gaara sat down, pushing his giant gourd on Shikamaru because he fancied having it close by. "I want coloring crayons," he demanded, a psychopathic flavor to his tone.
Tightly stuck between a smelly gourd and Temari, the disgruntled guy had no room to budge. "Uhh…I should leave," he whispered to the blonde girl beside him.
A devilish grin on her face, she answered her date. "Suuure you can leave, Shikamaru-kun. Just ask Gaara to move his gourd…"
Suddenly realizing where this was going, Shikamaru leaned over the table to look at Gaara, who was glaring right back at him, and instantly decided it was best to stay put.
After ordering, everyone seemed off edge. Temari incessantly talked, desperate to make conversation with her disabused date, who was already half-asleep. And, in the meantime, Kankurou greedily ate all the leftover bread while Gaara was too focused on coloring the images on the children's tablecloth to pay attention.
Soon enough the pizza arrived. The Sand Siblings immediately started to gobble down the food—who would've guessed they were messy eaters?
Shikamaru didn't. He just sat back a bit and figured he would wait for them to stop.
Eventually the other three pulled back. Shikamaru figured it was a good time to get the last piece. As he was just about to grab it, Gaara spoke.
"What do you think your doing?" he asked in that creepy, threatening voice that he achieves so well.
"Um… nothing?" claimed Shikamaru as he fell under the command of Gaara's piercing death glare. He put his arms back in the position it was before. Temari would've let Shikamaru have the piece but she is also afraid of her younger sibling.
Out of seemingly no-where, a perky waitress appeared and put their bill on the table. "Please bring your money to the front!" she said and skipped away.
The group just looked at the bill, excluding Kankurou who just continued to eat whatever was left and/or unfinished by the others.
"Oh, Shikamaru, I think it is time for you to pay now," Temari sweetly expressed.
Shikamaru sighed as if expressing this whole date was way too hard. He reached into his pocket and then exclaimed "I don't have any money."
"What!" screamed Temari. She knew Shikamaru hated ladies and all, but this was just disrespectful! He was practically insulting her with this crum-hole of a date. At least, she thought so.
Just as Temari was going to do something drastic, Gaara stood up. "I've had enough of you," he directed to Shikamaru.
"Wait, Gaara! Don't hurt him or anything!" Temari partly insisted and requested at the same time.
"… Why not?"
"Er, because! You never let anybody hang out with us! Wouldn't it be nice if I had just one friend who-"
"Since when did you matter?"
Even though she was probably used to this verbal harassment, it still takes a toll on Temari. She hung her head low.
Gaara paid no heed to her. He turned back to Shikamaru to find him gone. His gourd was also on the ground. This just caused the Sand Demon boy to be radiate hate and anger.
Luckily, Shikamaru was long gone by then. He escaped probably at record-breaking speed to his house.
From then on, the ninja we all know and love decided to never go out on a date with anybody ever again. It's too troublesome.