A/N: So my best bud wanted me to write a comedy, and we brainstormed
together and came up with this! Enjoy!!!
Stuck
*~*~*~*
"Hey Bos, why are we going to Wal-Mart again?" Faith asked me with that note of sarcasm and annoyance in her voice. . . "Do I really have to go over this again?" I sighed and started from the beginning. "My landlord died and was all obsessed with his pet duck, Ralph. And you know who he left the duck to in his will? You wanna take a guess? Yeah, ME!" I spat out, pissed that I would be left with some stupid little ball of fuzz, quacking all the damn time. Faith just laughed at me. Yeah, she laughed. . . And she says that I'M insensitive!
"Oh, you think this is funny?" I asked, as I watched Faith cracking up. She nodded, not able to get any words out from her continuous lets-make-a-joke- about-Bosco's-problems laugh. "Well it's not! I have to spend money on getting food for it!" I stopped for a second, pondering what I could do. . . "Faith?" I softened my tone. "Any chance that you want a little pet. Maybe Charlie - "
"Bosco! Yeah right! This isn't my problem, it's yours!" She chuckled again.
"Damn."
* * *
I pulled into the parking lot of Wal-Mart, and we both got out of the RMP. "You don't have to come in, Faith. It'll just take me a second." I said. "Yeah well I need to use the restroom while we're here." She replied, catching up to me.
We stepped into the store, and I looked around, wondering where the hell duck food would be. "Bos, why don't you just ask someone where it is?" Faith said to me. Damn her, always reading my mind like that. "Yeah, Faith, what am I gunna say? 'Excuse me, I need duck food. I'm sure you get this a lot but could you tell me where it is?'"
"Sounds good." She said. That little smart ass.
After asking someone where it was, we walked over to get the food so that we could get the hell out of there. "Bos, you go pay for it; I'll be in the bathroom okay?" Faith trailed off to go find a bathroom to go crap in, while I stood in line and paid the five freaking bucks for a bag of 'specialized bird and duck food deluxe.' What a rip off.
* * *
"Faith!" I knocked on the outer door of the women's bathroom, getting impatient. "Hold your horses, Bosco! And get away from the door! I'd just hate to see you be escorted out of the store because some security guy thinks you're a perverted child molester or something." I heard her laugh again. God, how does she always manage to make an ass out of me? "You know what?" I said, "I'm not waiting out here anymore!" I pushed the door open, and walked inside the bathroom. "You guys have couches in here?!"
"Bosco! What the hell are you doing! Get out of here!" Faith yelled. Now was my turn to laugh. This was fun. "Oh, and what are you gunna do about it? Beat me with your crap?" I smirked. "Bosco, oh my God, if there is anyone else in here. . . "
"Oh chill Faith! It's not like I'm stealing tampons or something!" I stated. . . It's true though! I wasn't doing anything that bad. I just wanted to piss Faith off.
"Hey Bos, speaking of tampons, will you get me one? I forgot to get it out beforehand." I kicked the wall in frustration. This wasn't supposed to be her fun! "Faith!" I whined. "Stop being such a baby, Bos. Just get the money, and put it in the little box on the wall that says 'tampons'."
Her sarcasm really wasn't helping. "Oh yeah? And what if I don't?" I asked, gaining more power. "BOSCO!" She yelled, completely obliterating the 'power' I had before. I walked over to the box attached to the side of the wall, and put the money in. "Faith, nothing came out." I said, reaching my hand into the box, trying to get one out.
Faith sighed and told me to put another fifty cents in. "Uh. . . Faith?" I said as I realized my arm was immobile. "Faith, I think I'm stuck."
"What?!" Faith practically yelled back. "Oh my God, Bosco, you've got to be kidding me!" She said, flushing the toilet. She came out of the stall to see me attached to the wall of a women's bathroom. This would be a hard one to explain.
The second she caught sight of me, she burst out in hysterics. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY, FAITH!" I yelled, pulling at the metal box on the wall. "Yes it is!" She laughed out.
I pulled at the wall, twisted my arm, and tried everything for about ten minutes before Faith finally gave up. "Bos, I think we're going to have to call the fire department." She said. The fire department?! Like hell! "Faith, no! God, I could never live this down, I-"
I got cut off in the middle of my ranting when an elderly woman opened the door to the bathroom. I shut up, and smiled at her. "Hello ma'am. Nice day today." I politely said. Before I finished, the lady sharply turned and ran out of the bathroom, screaming. "What the hell was that?!" I asked Faith, who was, yes, once again, laughing. "I was just being nice!"
"Bosco!" Faith said back, "An elderly lady walks into the bathroom to see a thirty year old cop with his arm stuck in the tampon dispenser! Did you really think that she would smile and go about her business?!"
I shut my mouth, seeing the truth in Faith's point. "Yeah well, I was just trying to help you. . ." Faith laughed and whipped out her CBC. "No, Faith! Faith, you're not calling the house!" She just looked at me and rolled her eyes. "What are you gunna do about it, Bos? Run away? O WAIT! YOU CAN'T!"
I reached over to grab the CBC out of her hand, but she moved back, out of my reach and I practically ripped my arm off trying to grab it. "FAITH!" I yelled, pissed off that she was going to call the firehouse.
"5-5 David, requesting FD at the Wal-Mart on Drakes." She radioed in. This was going to be a long day.
* * *
The fire department got to us within five minutes, and I just stood there, pretending that none of it bothered me. FYI, I'm a really bad actor.
"Bosco, chill out." Faith demanded. She thinks she can tell me what to do. . . I would like to see HER stuck in a tampon dispenser! THEN she'd know what it feels like.
Jimmy Doherty walked into the bathroom with all his gear on. He thinks he's all macho. "Oh my God, Boscorelli!" He practically fell to the floor at the sight of me. . . Was I really that funny?!
"What the hell?-" Alex Taylor said as she walked into the room. She froze in her tracks when she saw me, and started to laugh too. "What the hell is with you guys?! This isn't funny! It hurts like hell!!"
"I'm sure it does! And what the hell are you doing in a women's bathroom? And fiddling around with the personal hygiene products?" Doherty laughed again, and turned around to Taylor. "I knew there was something odd about him, but this!"
"Hey I heard that!" I screamed. He actually had the nerve to make fun of me! "God Doherty, when I get out of here, I'm-"
"You're gunna what? Huh? If it were up to me, I would keep you in there!" The entire room was laughing except me. If that damn landlord hadn't died, I wouldn't even be in this situation! It's always the dead people's fault!
* * *
The bucket boys tried sliding my hand out for while before they realized that it wasn't working. "I think we're gunna have to cut it off" Doherty said. "WHAT?!" I shouted, like hell he was gunna cut my arm off! "The box, Boscorelli. Calm down, we don't want you breaking out in hot flashes or anything." He smirked. God what I would have done to just beat his face in right there.
Doherty called for Taylor to get some sort of "cutting device" or whatever. She went and got it, and when I saw that big-ass thing, man, I almost pissed myself. "Ooooh no. Oh, there is no way in hell you're comin' near me with that thing." I said, still staring at the sharp blades. "Bosco, come on." I heard Faith say. Why didn't SHE ever get into trouble? She just doesn't understand! "FINE!" I yelled, fed up with everybody.
Doherty started sawing at the box, and the minute he cut through the inside, tampons started flying everywhere. Yeah! Do you know how embarrassing that is?!
Everyone in the room was cracking up while we were experiencing "attack of the flying tampons", when one decided to come up and hit me right smack dab in my eye.
"God damnit!" I yelled, putting my free hand up to my recently pummeled eye. "Oh my God Bosco, are you okay?" Faith managed to choke out, while laughing harder than anyone in the room. "What do you think, Faith!"
* * *
The bucket boys finally got my hand out of the box, and I left that damn cursed bathroom as quick as I could.
"Bosco!" Faith yelled behind me. I started walking faster. "Bos, wait!" She ran up to me, and tried to start her little soft-talking bit. "Hey Bosco, I just wanted to say - "
"Faith, don't start with me! I can't believe that you would let them make fun of me like that! And you joined right in with the laughing and mocking! You're supposed to be my partner!" I yelled, pissed off that Faith would do something like that to me.
"But Bosco - " She tried to cut in.
"Don't 'but Bosco' me, Faith! That was the most embarrassing - "
"BOSCO!" She decided to cut me off this time. I stopped talking and looked at Faith. "You forgot your duck food."
"DAMN IT!"
*~*~*~*~*~*
THE END!
Stuck
*~*~*~*
"Hey Bos, why are we going to Wal-Mart again?" Faith asked me with that note of sarcasm and annoyance in her voice. . . "Do I really have to go over this again?" I sighed and started from the beginning. "My landlord died and was all obsessed with his pet duck, Ralph. And you know who he left the duck to in his will? You wanna take a guess? Yeah, ME!" I spat out, pissed that I would be left with some stupid little ball of fuzz, quacking all the damn time. Faith just laughed at me. Yeah, she laughed. . . And she says that I'M insensitive!
"Oh, you think this is funny?" I asked, as I watched Faith cracking up. She nodded, not able to get any words out from her continuous lets-make-a-joke- about-Bosco's-problems laugh. "Well it's not! I have to spend money on getting food for it!" I stopped for a second, pondering what I could do. . . "Faith?" I softened my tone. "Any chance that you want a little pet. Maybe Charlie - "
"Bosco! Yeah right! This isn't my problem, it's yours!" She chuckled again.
"Damn."
* * *
I pulled into the parking lot of Wal-Mart, and we both got out of the RMP. "You don't have to come in, Faith. It'll just take me a second." I said. "Yeah well I need to use the restroom while we're here." She replied, catching up to me.
We stepped into the store, and I looked around, wondering where the hell duck food would be. "Bos, why don't you just ask someone where it is?" Faith said to me. Damn her, always reading my mind like that. "Yeah, Faith, what am I gunna say? 'Excuse me, I need duck food. I'm sure you get this a lot but could you tell me where it is?'"
"Sounds good." She said. That little smart ass.
After asking someone where it was, we walked over to get the food so that we could get the hell out of there. "Bos, you go pay for it; I'll be in the bathroom okay?" Faith trailed off to go find a bathroom to go crap in, while I stood in line and paid the five freaking bucks for a bag of 'specialized bird and duck food deluxe.' What a rip off.
* * *
"Faith!" I knocked on the outer door of the women's bathroom, getting impatient. "Hold your horses, Bosco! And get away from the door! I'd just hate to see you be escorted out of the store because some security guy thinks you're a perverted child molester or something." I heard her laugh again. God, how does she always manage to make an ass out of me? "You know what?" I said, "I'm not waiting out here anymore!" I pushed the door open, and walked inside the bathroom. "You guys have couches in here?!"
"Bosco! What the hell are you doing! Get out of here!" Faith yelled. Now was my turn to laugh. This was fun. "Oh, and what are you gunna do about it? Beat me with your crap?" I smirked. "Bosco, oh my God, if there is anyone else in here. . . "
"Oh chill Faith! It's not like I'm stealing tampons or something!" I stated. . . It's true though! I wasn't doing anything that bad. I just wanted to piss Faith off.
"Hey Bos, speaking of tampons, will you get me one? I forgot to get it out beforehand." I kicked the wall in frustration. This wasn't supposed to be her fun! "Faith!" I whined. "Stop being such a baby, Bos. Just get the money, and put it in the little box on the wall that says 'tampons'."
Her sarcasm really wasn't helping. "Oh yeah? And what if I don't?" I asked, gaining more power. "BOSCO!" She yelled, completely obliterating the 'power' I had before. I walked over to the box attached to the side of the wall, and put the money in. "Faith, nothing came out." I said, reaching my hand into the box, trying to get one out.
Faith sighed and told me to put another fifty cents in. "Uh. . . Faith?" I said as I realized my arm was immobile. "Faith, I think I'm stuck."
"What?!" Faith practically yelled back. "Oh my God, Bosco, you've got to be kidding me!" She said, flushing the toilet. She came out of the stall to see me attached to the wall of a women's bathroom. This would be a hard one to explain.
The second she caught sight of me, she burst out in hysterics. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY, FAITH!" I yelled, pulling at the metal box on the wall. "Yes it is!" She laughed out.
I pulled at the wall, twisted my arm, and tried everything for about ten minutes before Faith finally gave up. "Bos, I think we're going to have to call the fire department." She said. The fire department?! Like hell! "Faith, no! God, I could never live this down, I-"
I got cut off in the middle of my ranting when an elderly woman opened the door to the bathroom. I shut up, and smiled at her. "Hello ma'am. Nice day today." I politely said. Before I finished, the lady sharply turned and ran out of the bathroom, screaming. "What the hell was that?!" I asked Faith, who was, yes, once again, laughing. "I was just being nice!"
"Bosco!" Faith said back, "An elderly lady walks into the bathroom to see a thirty year old cop with his arm stuck in the tampon dispenser! Did you really think that she would smile and go about her business?!"
I shut my mouth, seeing the truth in Faith's point. "Yeah well, I was just trying to help you. . ." Faith laughed and whipped out her CBC. "No, Faith! Faith, you're not calling the house!" She just looked at me and rolled her eyes. "What are you gunna do about it, Bos? Run away? O WAIT! YOU CAN'T!"
I reached over to grab the CBC out of her hand, but she moved back, out of my reach and I practically ripped my arm off trying to grab it. "FAITH!" I yelled, pissed off that she was going to call the firehouse.
"5-5 David, requesting FD at the Wal-Mart on Drakes." She radioed in. This was going to be a long day.
* * *
The fire department got to us within five minutes, and I just stood there, pretending that none of it bothered me. FYI, I'm a really bad actor.
"Bosco, chill out." Faith demanded. She thinks she can tell me what to do. . . I would like to see HER stuck in a tampon dispenser! THEN she'd know what it feels like.
Jimmy Doherty walked into the bathroom with all his gear on. He thinks he's all macho. "Oh my God, Boscorelli!" He practically fell to the floor at the sight of me. . . Was I really that funny?!
"What the hell?-" Alex Taylor said as she walked into the room. She froze in her tracks when she saw me, and started to laugh too. "What the hell is with you guys?! This isn't funny! It hurts like hell!!"
"I'm sure it does! And what the hell are you doing in a women's bathroom? And fiddling around with the personal hygiene products?" Doherty laughed again, and turned around to Taylor. "I knew there was something odd about him, but this!"
"Hey I heard that!" I screamed. He actually had the nerve to make fun of me! "God Doherty, when I get out of here, I'm-"
"You're gunna what? Huh? If it were up to me, I would keep you in there!" The entire room was laughing except me. If that damn landlord hadn't died, I wouldn't even be in this situation! It's always the dead people's fault!
* * *
The bucket boys tried sliding my hand out for while before they realized that it wasn't working. "I think we're gunna have to cut it off" Doherty said. "WHAT?!" I shouted, like hell he was gunna cut my arm off! "The box, Boscorelli. Calm down, we don't want you breaking out in hot flashes or anything." He smirked. God what I would have done to just beat his face in right there.
Doherty called for Taylor to get some sort of "cutting device" or whatever. She went and got it, and when I saw that big-ass thing, man, I almost pissed myself. "Ooooh no. Oh, there is no way in hell you're comin' near me with that thing." I said, still staring at the sharp blades. "Bosco, come on." I heard Faith say. Why didn't SHE ever get into trouble? She just doesn't understand! "FINE!" I yelled, fed up with everybody.
Doherty started sawing at the box, and the minute he cut through the inside, tampons started flying everywhere. Yeah! Do you know how embarrassing that is?!
Everyone in the room was cracking up while we were experiencing "attack of the flying tampons", when one decided to come up and hit me right smack dab in my eye.
"God damnit!" I yelled, putting my free hand up to my recently pummeled eye. "Oh my God Bosco, are you okay?" Faith managed to choke out, while laughing harder than anyone in the room. "What do you think, Faith!"
* * *
The bucket boys finally got my hand out of the box, and I left that damn cursed bathroom as quick as I could.
"Bosco!" Faith yelled behind me. I started walking faster. "Bos, wait!" She ran up to me, and tried to start her little soft-talking bit. "Hey Bosco, I just wanted to say - "
"Faith, don't start with me! I can't believe that you would let them make fun of me like that! And you joined right in with the laughing and mocking! You're supposed to be my partner!" I yelled, pissed off that Faith would do something like that to me.
"But Bosco - " She tried to cut in.
"Don't 'but Bosco' me, Faith! That was the most embarrassing - "
"BOSCO!" She decided to cut me off this time. I stopped talking and looked at Faith. "You forgot your duck food."
"DAMN IT!"
*~*~*~*~*~*
THE END!