Warning: Contains slash-if-you-squint (later chapters will contain actual slash)
Pairing: Ford/Arthur
Words: 377
Disclaimer: Is it really necessary to point out that I am not Douglas Adams? Is that what people really need? (I'm not even English and I don't even look like a Douglas.)
A warm round of applause to TheRimmerConnection, who continues to be awesome.
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Zen & the Art
Chapter One: Of Going to the Lavatory
Arthur Dent stood in a bathroom cubicle in Milliways, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and glared at the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Multi-Species Lavatory Attendant.
It stood in the doorway of the cubicle and beeped at him expectantly.
"Thank you," Arthur repeated, hoping that it would get the idea this time if he said it slower. "You can leave now."
"Please enjoy your use of this carbon-based male biped-suited lavatory. My presence here is meant to ensure your personal satisfaction should any additional assistance be required," the robot recited, completely untroubled by any sort of understanding regarding what Arthur was trying to communicate.
Arthur closed his eyes briefly, feeling the weight of a long day plaguing his consciousness in the form of a headache. His voice automatically assumed the firm but reasonable tone he usually reserved for pushy car salesmen and particularly slow-witted bank tellers.
"Now look," he said. "You have helped me find the appropriate facilities and I am grateful for that, but I've had a very trying day and I'm not prepared to extend that gratitude to letting you watch me go about my business."
The robot seemed poised on the very cusp of another cheerful and unhelpful reply when it paused and beeped again. Arthur could barely hear something that sounded like muffled radio static buzzing and popping somewhere in its shiny metal casing, and suddenly the whirring of its servos seemed decidedly less upbeat.
"Pardon me," it said, "but my assistance is required in the car park lavatories. Share and enjoy."
"Oh yes, I'll be sure to do that," Arthur grumbled as he closed the door on its retreating back. He sat on the closed toilet seat lid and put his head in his hands, not bothering to wonder at the robot's abrupt departure or even to note that this happened to be the cleanest bathroom he had ever been in, including his own. But since his bathroom, his whole house, and moreover his entire planet had only recently ceased to exist, this was precisely the sort of thing that he was trying to avoid thinking about.
Setting aside the fact that admittedly bathrooms were the least of his worries, in this he could not honestly be said to be very successful.