This is a little fic in three chapters, in first person, from three different pov. I guess they'll be pretty obvious since you start reading, so I won't spoil the "party" now.
The fic was written because I was sad, so no comfort here. Sorry. D:

ooOOoo

It would be easy enough to make Mary into a bad person, but it wasn't what I wanted. I'm assuming she is just a normal, intelligent woman who found a really great guy and wants to keep him. Who could blame her? I'd want a John Watson myself, wouldn't you?

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I obviously don't own a thing here.

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I. Even

The fist time I met you, I asked myself how could a man like you still be single. You are kind, smart and charming, and it was all I could want in a boyfriend. I gave myself to you very quickly because you seemed to want it, and you seemed to need it. I dare say that we found each other. I thought that we were meant to be. I did see that blur of sadness in your eyes, and I could imagine why, but I let you tell me on your own time. I wanted you to trust me.

I didn't mind the fact that you were the John Watson, the confirmed bachelor, as the papers used to say before. It never really mattered to me, it never made any difference. If you were any doctor, or the doctor, the partner of the famous Sherlock Holmes, it didn't seem to have any importance.

But then I met him.

He came back and I met him.

And he wasn't the only one I met then. I met him and I met you all over again. I met his John. And I saw that blur from your eyes just disappear.

I understood why you liked me. You liked me because I had nothing to do with Sherlock Holmes and the life you had buried inside your own heart. It was easy for you to trick me and to pretend everything was fine because I didn't have anything to compare to.

But when I saw you with him, I knew. I think I knew more than you did. I'll never tell you this, because it's not my job, but he was hurting. He can act, but I knew he was hurting. I knew because I have you, and I can imagine what it is not to have you anymore.

I'm lost, John, I am. I'm divided between the certainty that I'll never give you up, and the certainty that I'll never be quite enough. I don't know what to make of this. What can I make of this?

I know I can't ask you to stay away from him, I know this choice would never favour me. I can't just shout at you, argue, I can't. I love you way too much for this. I understand way too much and way too little at the same time to have the guts to ask for it.

I encouraged you to move back with him because I wanted you to be happy, and because I wanted to be around. He had to know. He had to know I wouldn't give up.

I know that my part in your life has to be built around you two, around him. I'll do this. I'll do it because I love you, and I won't lose you to him. He had his time to make his move, I won't give this up.

Maybe I shouldn't stay in the middle of you two. Maybe. If I were in my perfect senses, I'd run away and find me a nice, normal man. But I don't want anyone else, John, I want you. We were happy when we first met, weren't we? So I kept telling myself that it was just a period of adjustment, that everything is going to be fine.

I can't even explain exactly why I feel so threatened. You are not gay, you never gave me any reason to think otherwise. But then again, I know love is the most amazing thing. I think I know more about it than you. I keep telling myself that maybe I'm lucky because you don't seem to realize how you love him. But I know I am truly lucky because you don't realize how he loves you back. I can see it, I keep asking myself how can you not see it! My mum was right all along, you men are completely clueless.

Sometimes I envy what you two have without even realizing. He does, but I know you don't realize it, John. You two function like this perfect organism and it's so intense... I bet you never realized how you move around him. He is this imperious planet and you move around like a satellite. You respond to each other like magnets, I don't think even he realizes this. Being the arrogant man he is, he would never admit that he attached himself so much to someone that even his movements are compromised.

But I keep telling myself that I can make you happy.

Even if I can't give you what he gives you, I can give you other things. I can give you a proper life, a family, I can be by your side, I can take care of you, and I know he can't.

Thank God for small favours.

I shouldn't rely on this, I know, it's a poor reassurance, but I can't lose you... Why would I give you up if neither one of you had the courage to talk about any of this? Why should I be the one to lose you? He can lose you, he isn't my problem. You are.

He is a prick, John, he doesn't deserve you. I know I can't judge this, but he is. I am the one who loves you and takes care of you. I won't lose you!

When you asked me to marry you I couldn't believe it! It was the best day of my life. I was so happy, I pretended for a minute that we could be whole together, that I could be everything that you needed. I want to be, I have to.

You can make me happy, and it's so strange that even so, I'm always feeling this incomplete. Because I know you are. It's so clear that you can't be complete without him that I can only accept that this is going to be part of our life.

I hope you're happy, at least. I hope you're happy having the two people you love by your side. You are so modest and yet you're the one with people around you who could do anything for you. Sometimes I think about which one of us is going to give up first. Me or him? I won't give you up. And I know he just can't. He would probably be dead without you.

I often ask myself if you can see how much you hurt us. I bet you can't. I don't let you. I know you don't mean it, I know you're just a bit messy in relationships.

Did it ever occur to you that the only relationship in which you're perfect is the one you have with him? Of course it didn't. It probably never occurred to you that you two have a relationship at all. Anyway, It's not perfect anymore.

You're messy, John.

You're messy, and I love you so much. Because it's your only fault. Your only fault is that you were already a bit taken when we met.

But we're going to be happy. I know this.

We have to be.