Confession is Good for the Soul
Missing Scene from Rory Faller's Seeing the Light, Chapter 30: Will Carter's Awful Day
A/N: Special thanks to RoryFaller for the use of her OC characters from Seeing the Light and for her encouragement.
Disclaimer: Terra Nova owned by 20th Century Fox. I own nothing, although I really, really, REALLY wish I did!
What the hell am I doing here? Sergeant Will Carter thought to himself as he nervously paced the length of the rectory sitting room. Oh, God, now I'm swearing in a church rectory. Not good. Base Chaplain Father Michael Flanagan had found Will aimlessly wandering the streets of Terra Nova on what was arguably the worst day of Will Carter's life—and he had seen some pretty dark days. The priest invited the soldier in to his home with the offer of bad coffee and comfort, two things Will was desperately in need of at the moment.
Abby, Jess and Jay Porter were missing and there wasn't a damn thing that Will could do about it. Commander Taylor and Lieutenant Washington told him to wait, which was akin to telling him to stop breathing. Visions of the three most important people in the world to him dead or dying tormented him. Left with his own guilty thoughts and self-recriminations, Will was slowly but surely losing his mind.
It's all my fault, Will thought. The events of the previous night haunted him: Sleeping pills removed his inhibitions and in a drug-fueled haze he knew he had forced himself on Abby, his angel. He was positive that he had hurt and frightened her with his wanton and lustful behavior, the total opposite of what he wanted for their first time. Complicating things further, in the midst of the act it became apparent that Abby had been a virgin. Now I've ruined everything, he bitterly mused.
And here I am in a rectory, next to a church, he thought. The Big Guy sure has one hell of a sense of humor. The sitting room was small and sparsely furnished, yet comfortable. As he looked at the two brown leather armchairs, he recalled the dozens of funerals he and Father Mike had planned here. Death was no stranger to Will Carter or Terra Nova. Loss was something Will thought he was immune to at this point, but he learned otherwise today. The idea of losing Abby and the kids scared him worse than anything Terra Nova had every thrown at him.
While Will genuinely liked Father Mike, he wasn't comfortable talking with the priest about this area of his life. He won't understand, he'll think I'm getting exactly what I deserve, he thought. I can't do this. For the first time in his life, Will's nerves got the better of him. Just as he was preparing to slip out the side door, Father Mike returned to the room.
"As promised, bad coffee and some worse biscuits," the priest said, jovially. Caught with his hand on the door switch, Will sheepishly turned and faced Father Mike. Like a child caught trying to sneak out of the house at night, Will slunk back to the sitting room and melted into the chair. This man bore little resemblance to the one who almost singlehandedly slew the Carnotaurus whose hide covered the two pieces of furniture in the room and dozens of others. Will's posture was bowed, his red-rimmed eyes downcast. Even his clothing was disheveled.
Father Mike had known Will Carter for almost five years, worked with him under miserable circumstances, yet he had never seen him this way. Everything about Will conveyed his defeat, his hopelessness, his fear. Will Carter doesn't run away from anything or anybody, he thought. This was a broken man if he ever saw one.
In his 30 years as a priest, he had seen many men in varying levels of spiritual crisis. Will was low, lower than Father Mike had ever seen him, and it frightened the older man. If ever there was a man who needed his help, Father Mike was hard pressed to think of one. As he sat in the armchair next to Will, Father Mike said a silent prayer that he would be the man for the job.
Initially, they sipped their coffee in an awkward silence.
Will's nerves were starting to get the better of him. "Um what's the saying? 'Confession is good for the soul,' right Father?" he said.
"Actually, that's not even in the Bible, did you know that?" Father Mike said.
"I know," Will said, suddenly leaning forward. "It comes from a Scottish proverb 'Open confession is good for the soul,'" Will said.
The priest was already aware of this, but he let the soldier continue. "Really? You surprise me, William," he said.
"Yeah. The closest thing is found in The Book of James that is an instruction to confess our sins to one another," Will said. "I remember the quote—'Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.'" He stopped suddenly. "I have a photographic memory and I like to read," he mumbled.
"I'm learning more and more about you every day, William," the priest said. "Tell me, do you agree with the last part? Do you believe in the value of prayer?" he asked.
The silence was deafening and, for once, Will was without words. Father Mike sipped his coffee and nodded. "I think I'm beyond that now, Father," Will said, sadly.
"I don't believe that for a minute, William," the priest said emphatically. "And honestly I don't think you do either."
Finally, Will exhaled a massive breath and made halting eye contact with the priest. "I screwed up-big time," he said, his pain was palpable. Grateful that the small talk was over, the older man smiled at Will, leaning forward and placing his weathered hand on Will's shoulder. "William, I've known you long enough to realize that this is big," Father Mike began. "What's going on?"
What do I have to lose? Will thought. Tentatively, at first, he began to tell the priest about the events of the previous night. He spared no detail, his shame and self recrimination were that great. However, Will's fear lessoned as he realized that Father Mike wasn't judging him. As Will's comfort level increased, so did the speed in which he relayed the story. He thought of the Ornithomimids, the fastest dinosaur and slowed himself down. "I would never hurt Abby" he said. Tears threatened as he was assaulted with images of Abby's beautiful face twisted in pain, the blood on the sheets. "I don't remember much except that I know I hurt her."
He stared at the floor as he ended "Now she's missing, along with the kids."
The priest silently sipped his coffee for a moment. "I haven't had the pleasure of meeting the Porter family yet," he said. "Been remiss in my duties to the civilians, but you boys do keep me fairly busy. The children are her niece and nephew, correct?"
Will looked up from the floor. "Jess and Jay. They just turned nine. Twins."
"Ah, my sister had a set of twins. Double trouble, I used to call them..." Father Mike chuckled. "The Porter twins must be holy terrors," Father Mike chuckled.
"Oh, no, Father! They're good kids," Will said, "Jay wants to be a scientist and Jess wants to be a soldier. They're both smart-scary smart." For a few minutes, Will went on about each child's accomplishments and personality quirks. The soldier smiled for the first time in hours thinking about the kids and he suddenly realized that he was sounding like a proud parent. "Abby raised them, practically by herself. Their father—if you can call him that—is worthless piece of sh—I mean…." Suddenly, Will was flummoxed.
"You mean he's a worthless piece of shit? Believe me, I know the type," Father Mike said, succinctly.
Will was floored—in five years he had never heard the priest say a bad word about anyone, much less swear. I'm rubbing off on him, Will thought. That seals it. I'm officially going to straight to Hell. I've corrupted a man of the cloth.
"Tell me about Abby. What makes her so special?" Father Mike prodded.
Will silently nodded, his eyes misting over when he thought of his Abby, his angel. If he didn't know her, he would swear she was a figment of his imagination. "I never thought I would find somebody like her, or that someone like her would even give me the time of day," he said, quietly. "Abby is beautiful, inside and out. I've never met anyone like her and I never will again."
For a moment, Will was lost in his memories. Falling off her front porch after their first kiss; crashing his rover after their second. The fire in her eyes when she was annoyed with him. The determined look she had when she was trying to figure something out. Her total devotion to Jay and Jess. Her bravery when she valiantly tried to push through a panic attack.
"She's way stronger than she gives herself credit for," Will said, thoughtfully. "She'll do anything for the kids," he added. "She was terrified when we started, but I taught her to drive the rover and she's a natural." His pride was evident as he recalled her first driving lesson.
"Abby is funny too. Did I mention that?" Will said. He was babbling now, but he didn't care at this point. He loved to hear her laugh and he lived to see her smile. "I actually like talking to her—I've never liked talking to women, but Abby's different." Will himself was surprised at this statement. "She doesn't take my crap, either. She keeps me in line better than Wash ever could," he added.
"She sounds like a remarkable woman, William," the priest said.
"She is, padre, she really is," he whispered.
It's now or never, Father Mike thought. Here goes. "You love her, don't you?" he said, quietly.
Without hesitation, Will said the words that had terrified him for years; "Yeah, I do."
In for a penny, in for a pound. "Do you think that she would give up on you so easily, William?" the priest asked.
Will sat up straighter. "Give up? I'm not giving up!" he said, indignantly. "I'm being realistic. She won't want to see me again once we find her. God knows she can do better than a bum like me."
Once again, Father Mike touched Will's shoulder. His gentle blue eyes looked straight until Will's sad brown ones. "Isn't that for her to decide, Will? And as far as 'doing better,' the Big Guy knows what is in your heart. He knows the good man you are and I think Abby does too. Don't give up on her just yet."
-FIN-