HEY EVERYBODY! Sorry I haven't updated in really long. Take this one shot as an apology?
NOTE-All the sentences in bold italics are from Grey's Anatomy.
Disclaimer: All the characters in this story belong to Stephanie Meyer, I just play with them. No copyright infringement intended.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
"I'm home!"
Bella announced as she entered her apartment, latching the door behind, her hands reaching for her 4 inches as she carelessly tossed them in a corner, followed by her coat and the keys. Edward stepped out from the kitchenette, his face torn between confusion and bewilderment, and Bella laughed out loud.
"Cooking again?" She stepped in front of him and he just wearily pointed at the mess, making her follow his gaze and Bella gasped then gave out another laugh. "What in the God's name you did here?"
"Chopped and then fried a chicken?"
Bella sighed, her eyes dancing with humor and she spoke again. "Edward, we are not a freaking episode of Master Chef, YOU are not the high hotshot Master Chef, stop playing Gordon Ramsay." She folded her arms.
"Oh, YOU thank God for that, don't you? I'm so much better looking." He winked as he waved the spatula in front of her face, and then took off the hideous apron. Bella's jaw dropped, halting him mid-air and then catching her hilarious expression, he snapped, "What?"
"Are you trying to act all wifey and carey, Mr. Cullen?"
"No, I'm saving the food being wasted. People die hungry, and they actually care about eating, you know." He tossed the apron aside and walked back into the kitchenette. Bella giggled, "But you even don't know how to cook." She walked towards him and whispered coyly, "Stop all this, it doesn't suit you. Besides, food is not what I'm craving for right now."
He smirked at her insinuation when the phone rang in the back ground while Bella rolled her eyes at the interruption and walked towards the fridge.
"Besides," She uncapped the water bottle, her back to his and started taking large, thirsty gulps. "You have to marinate the chicken first." The phone continued to ring and she didn't care, thankful to the man who invented answering machine, and to Edward, who had a bad habit of answering every call. "But of course you don't know how to. " She grinned. Capping the bottle, she put it back in the fridge and picked an apple from the bowl.
"What's with not picking up the phone, Edward?" She snapped, turning around.
But he wasn't there.
The piled up dirty dishes, the tossed apron, the unattended phone-they all were a part of the still picture.
Her lonely picture.
Walking towards the stove, she tied the apron around her, picked up the dishes, stacked them in the dishwasher, then reached for the remote controller and turning on the music, she busied herself in chopping the raw chicken. The phone rang once again, and slamming the knife frustratingly on the granite, she marched towards her annoyance and snapped into it. "What? Oh hi Sue. Nothing..just cooking you know..Yeah I'm good..Perfect."
She slammed the phone down just in time to cover the solitary sob that choked out as it proceeded to wrack her body with tears.
It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
"So how are you feeling today, Bella?"
"The usual."
Dr. Ainsley smiled affectionately, clasping her hands on the table, encouraging Bella to continue. Bella rolled her eyes and then gestured with her hands, "The day passed like it does every day. The sun came out, the sun went down, the moon came up and the moon went down."
"A perfectly balanced Nature." Dr. Ainsley played along.
"Yes. Everything's perfect."
"Can you define 'usual'?"
Bella sighed and spoke as if explaining to a small child, "I woke up, I went to work, then came back, did some laundry, cleaned Edward's closet…" She chuckled off and then leaned back into the chair. "Though he was quite adamant and admonishing, but I was successful anyway."
Dr. Ainsley didn't return her triumphant grin. "And what else?"
"And then we slept."
"We?"
"Yes, we. Edward and I." Bella emphasized with a quiet tone. "Though with his deep snores, I really don't know how I manage to fall asleep." She bit her lip, her lips forming into a small smile, turning to look at the empty chair next to her.
A long pause and Dr. Ainsley questioned. "Is he here now? Right in my office?"
Bella narrowed her eyes, her temper snapping and she struggled to answer in a polite, calm tone. "You think I'm hallucinating, Doctor? You think I'm crazy?"
"No, Bella. I don't think that. I just want to remind you and you should do it yourself too that Edward is-"
"Alright that's enough. I've a meeting to catch." She bluntly got up and picked up her purse. "I hope you don't mind." And the doctor just politely shook her head. "Though, I thought we could catch up with you some more, go through some of your..usuals, but your choice."
Bella ambled towards the door when her hand froze on the handle and she turned around, the unshed tears sparkling in her eyes, her voice laced with confidence. "I'm not hallucinating or crazy, doctor. He is here. Like he had promised. Maybe it's all in my head but if being with him means leaving behind reality, then I'm much happier in my bubble."
Alice pushed the couch to the opposite end. "This shall do it." She talked to herself and straightening up, she rubbed her sweaty palm on her sweat pants and turned around at the opening of the door.
"Oh hi." She grinned at her sister in law but Bella had frozen in her doorway and was ghastly taking in the surroundings. "Do you like it?" Alice continued tentatively, her wide smile wavering. Finally meeting her eyes, Bella croaked out, "What have you done?" Taking a step forward, she let the door swing on its hinges till it hit its frame and she staggered to her breathless sister. "Why..what...how?" She managed to speak, her eyes widely taking in the altered sitting arrangement of her lounge.
"Because that couch looked fugly there." Alice pointed with her hands. "Besides, you guys bought it for that spot, right? But you ended up in changing your mind, so taking some mercy I pushed it towards the crowd, rather from its lonely corner."
Bella met her best friend's eyes, full of humor that were snubbing the undaunted concern, the same grin that had always reassured her from day one. She blinked and then leaning against the far wall, Bella crossed her ankles and observed her living room for a few seconds.
Alice chewed her bottom lip, the helplessness for her friend getting better of her but she mentally dissipated it. And to her relief, Bella slowly smiled in return. "Yes..you are right. It's looking good..changed the look of the room." And then further grinned, shaking her head at some inside joke but alice didn't ask her. "Would you like a drink?" Bella walked in the kitchenette, smiling at the mess scattered in there. "Bring it on, baby!" Alice jumped down on the couch and putting on 'The Avengers', as she waited for Bella to join her, clamping down the surge of relief that formed at the pit of her stomach.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
Bella pushed the trolley as her eyes scanned the various canned food items. Stopping on dry pasta, she tossed it in the trolley and further glided on.
"Why are you buying it?"
"Because you like it. That's what you eat, eight times a week."
Edward rolled his eyes and drummed his thumbs in his pockets. They reached the frozen goods section and Bella lazily looked around.
"Pick up the pizza dough."
Her head snapped up to him, and she frowned. "Why?"
"Because you like it."
"But I don't know how to make it. Besides, last time you said the day I'll try the disaster again, we-"
"Just pick up the dough, Bella." He smiled wistfully. Leaning down, she also tossed the dough inside and giving out a mock growl she continued her gliding while Edward smiled behind. "And before you forget where cheese is, it's in aisle 2."
"Yes, I very well know." She lied airily. He grinned and then stepping in front of her, he whispered mischievously, "I'll race you there." Her expressions faltered and she blinked dumbly at him. "Okay who are you and what have you done to my husband?" Serious, overprotective Edward was all she'd ever known.
"Just saying." He casually shrugged and walked lazily in the direction of the aisle and Bella grinned, spinning her trolley she briskly walked off in the other direction, glancing at her shoulder to see him speeding up too. Reaching the empty aisle, she laughed in exhilaration and placing the cheese in the trolley, she looked at the end of the aisle where he challenged to be there.
But he didn't come.
Glancing behind her and finding the aisle still empty, she again stared at that end. Seconds ticked by and the edibles with their colorful packing, sharp odors surrounded her, choked her, making her feel like a small child lost in the crowd. Tightening her grip on the gliding rod, she slowly made her way towards that end, before completely stepping out and walked to the cash counter where she placed her goods one by one.
"Bella, open the door! Bella!"
Charlie frantically knocked the door where his daughter had locked herself inside; regretting his conversation with her, the meeting with Blacks and the consequences that followed. "Bella, honey, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry but please open the door!"
Bella cried, pressing her damp cheek against her pulled up knees, shrinking into the corner of her vast bathroom while the plea in her father's voice drove her to the edge, flooded her brain with other memories, spilled the choking tears from her eyes.
"Bella, they are gone. I won't do anything without your consent. That's a promise from a father to his daughter."
Standing up on her shaky knees, she opened the door and stepped back when Charlie tried to hug her. "I can't do this Dad-"
"I know, I'm sorry-"
"I cannot marry another man-"
"I'm sorry, angel." Charlie tried to reach for her face but she pushed it away.
"He's going to get so angry..Edward's going to get so angry, you haven't seen that side of him, the jealous side, he'll go wild..he won't talk to me..wh-what will I do then?"
Charlie stopped for a fraction of a second and then softly patted her shoulders, and with a soft whimper she collapsed in her father's arms, falling down on the floor with him while he supported her in his embrace. "Please don't make me do this, Dad. I-I-I can't do this. Not to me, not to him." She sobbed in his chest while he only nodded in return, the state of his daughter completely leaving him speechless. Sue paused at the door before she composed her face and wrapped her arms around a sobbing Bella, a silent Charlie.
Bella swirled the paste around the dough and licking it off from the spatula, she shredded cheese on it. Warmth tingled her fingertips and she involuntarily smiled.
"That looks good."
"And so will it taste too." She grinned confidently. "By the way, you mentioned a really good use of the paste, show me please?" She innocently battled her eyelashes up to him. He grinned and she went back to the shredding.
"Bella?" Her back stilled at the change in his tone, the sadness laced in it.
"Yeah, I'm listening."
"Why didn't you meet the Blacks, Bella?" Her hands stopped and she gaped at him. Silence stretched for miles between them until he broke it. "I just want you to be happy and...to move on."
Her mouth set in a thin line, she took the pizza platter and turned towards the oven. "I have a pizza to bake, Edward."
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
His fingers threaded in her hair, and he softly pushed them back, revealing her smooth nape, tasting it with his thirsty lips, further moving onto her blade where he buried his head, kissing the perfect lean while she writhed with pleasure beneath him. Turning her over her back, he gazed down at her beautiful face, kissing her fore-head and then her closed eyes, to her blushing cheeks, that adorned his favorite color and finally reaching his favorite spot, he gently took the plump lips in his mouth and she fervently responded in return. Breaking the kiss, he lowered onto the valley between her breasts where he worshipped them, making her moan with ecstasy.
"Cape Islands, it is then?"
"Yes." She breathed out. Though how he was talking about their marriage at this moment, her mind failed to respond. He picked up her left hand and kissed the ring finger where a diamond sparkled in the dark. He slowly buried his head in between her legs, making her moan, taking her high, making her beg, finally meeting her plea and she exploded under him again and again, till they both descended down with equal force, equal passion.
"I love you, Edward."
He turned his bronze head upwards to cup her face, his eyes twinkling with emotion. "I love you more."
Bella tossed on the bed, her drowsy hand reaching to his side of the bed and catching warmth, she smiled in her sleep. Slowly opening her eyes, she gazed into the piercing green ones that were even shining under the darkness.
She stared into his, while he only smiled back, the moonlight cascading its light through the small slits, the only sound of night creatures in some distance; but nothing that could disturb her or interrupt her moment where she could look into his eyes, for endless period of time.
"I miss you."
"I miss you more."
Bella opened the faucet, filling the tub with warm water, squeezing the shower gel in it till a froth formed. Turning around she shrugged off her clothes, and stepping into the tub, she sat in between his legs.
"I like how you rake your wet hair back and it sticks there." She grinned up to him.
"And so I have been told countless times."
Taking a handful of her water, she turned to splash onto him but the water splattered on the back wall, spreading till its droplets trickled back down in the tub. She silently turned back, her hands circling in the water, drawing a random pattern. "Don't hide from me, Edward. Please." She whispered into the quiet atmosphere.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
"How are you feeling today, Bella?"
Bella rested her temple on her fist, her arm flexed on the arm-rest. "Good." She smiled. Dr. Ainsley stared at her for a few seconds. "Tell me about it."
"I made my boss proud. We went for a celebration." She grinned. "And then I finally made a perfect pizza, my practice really bore fruit. Then I did a movie marathon with Alice and her daughter, and then we went out for ice cream with Jasper.
"Sounds like quite a busy day. What about the void in your chest?"
"You are quiet rude, doctor." Bella chuckled. "Don't beat much around the bush, do you, now? But Edward is not a void in my chest. He's out there. With me. And before you ask, I've been taking my tranquilizers and anti-depressants regularly. So you can see, he's not a hallucination."
"Then how do you define his...visits?"
"He does not visit me." Bella scoffed staring passively at the clock flicking away time like rotten flies. "You make him sound like an alien or something. He's there, doctor. Like, like the air! Like the sun, moon and everything that constantly surrounds us... He's just there. A perfectly balanced Nature."
The doctor ruefully smiled and leaning back, she tapped her chin. "Have you ever thought why him only? Why not your...deceased Mom? Or any other loved one?"
Her words hung in the air as the implication behind the words clicked in her mind and Bella visibly froze. "You mean like my lost baby?"
"I didn't mean that, Bella. I just want to make you feel better…see better."
Bella rubbed her nose, before she placed her chin on her palm and squeezed her eyes shut; as if she was traveling back in the past, to those moments, those memories that she had so looked forward to hold onto but life had been cruel, and had snatched them right away, made her stand in front of them, made her dread her own reflection until she learned to walk beside them.
"It was only twelve days old." Her voice shook and she pressed the bridge of her nose. "E-Edward was returning back after three weeks, and I had decided to surprise him, but the...it all caught me off guard and I rolled down the steps." Sniffing, she opened her eyes and stared at the doctor's concern ones. "I lost two people at the same time. One, that I had hold of, other, whom even I hadn't seen, let alone touch. I don't have any picture or memory of my baby that I could...talk about! I didn't even know its gender! I have memories with my husband, not with my baby... I know my husband's every stroke, every inch but I don't know the feel of my baby! So no, I don't get to see my lost child."
In the first time during her sessions with her, Dr. Ainsley saw Bella crying, opening up to her and she gently passed the tissue paper box towards her. After a few seconds of pounding, agonizing silence, she quietly spoke.
"So let's try it again, Bella. How are you feeling?"
Bella stared at her empty lap, her hand reaching to her flat, empty stomach, flattening against its shape until the vacancy replaced the blood in her veins.
"Alone." She sobbed out.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
- Denial.
"Bella, whom are you talking to?"
Alice curiously stepped inside her friend's room where she was picking up the scattered clothes. Bella turned towards her and scowled at her. "It's Edward, Alice. He does it deliberately. Throws his jeans carelessly, despite the laundry basket here. Look, here. He should really take a lesson or two from you about cleanliness. She turned to her right, and finding the spot empty, she spoke loudly in the room. "This is called a laundry basket, Edward Anthony Cullen. And you curl up your jeans like this, and throw it here, like this. Understood?" Bella demonstrated it before she looked up to her rooted sister.
"Bella, he's not here."
"He was. Until you interrupted." Bella winked. Alice stiflingly gulped and her eyes darted to the over-flowing laundry basket where the clothes had been piling up ever since the day...that day. Bella walked towards the door and Alice blocked her path, cupped her face and beseeched. "Why don't you see, Bella? He's dead! He's not coming back!Stop acting around as if he's there because he's not! And you very well know that! Please Bella, I beg you, please snap out of it!"
"Stop it!" Bella harshly pried the hands away. "He'll come back! He promised that he'll never leave me, have you forgotten his vow at our wedding! He told you that he'll never leave me despite your being-a-protective-best friend threats. How can you forget that, Alice?"
Bella bitterly smiled and walked past her to the kitchen, and Alice stared into the space, till she scrambled down on the bed, burying her head in her palms, and she pleaded, prayed, begged to every God out there for a better life for her best friend.
- Anger
Bella put on the music, Coldplay blasted out and she danced to the kitchen, taking out the dough and placed it on the shelf.
'And it was all yellow!' She sang along. 'Look how they shine for you!'
Warmth tingled her waist and she spun around, till they were both dancing around the room, her grin matching his wide smile and they both circled around the decor of their apartment.
'For you I'd bleed myself dry. It's true.' Edwardmouthed and Bella chuckled. "What? It is true!" He scowled mockingly. "And so I have been told countless times." She grinned back and they both slowly stopped while he looked down at her and she met his gaze steadily, their bodies now swaying tunelessly.
"Bella, do something for me?"
"Anything."
He leaned down, reaching her ear, the warmth sending shivers down her spine. "Move on. Please."
Her face lost her sunny smile, a stony facade of indifference taking its place as she immediately stepped back. He stared at her grimly while she frowned. "All I'm saying is, move the way world is going. Be the part of the crowd and I'll be there, I promise. But you need to give life another chance. Be someone's reason of existence, someone's day to look forward to." He pleaded.
Her chin wobbled, and she threw the remote onto the wall in front till it thrashed hard against it and splintered down.
"And what do you say?"
"I say he's gone mad! He always was a thick skull when it came to decisions and he proved he will continue to be!" Bella announced defiantly.
"You were his decision too." Dr. Ainsley spoke quietly.
Bella stared at her dumb fondly, her eyes wide as saucers.
"And now letting you go is also his decision."
-Bargain
"You said that he's not real, and so he's not!" Bella accusingly pointed at the calm doctor. "He's in my head and thus he's speaking my jumbled up mind!"
"Maybe he's your speaking sub-conscious."
"My subconscious won't tell me to leave him behind." Bella slumped down as she brokenly looked at the doctor. "I wouldn't leave him for anything in the world."
"He said he would be there, Bella."
"How can he be when I'll be busy with the…world?"
"You were busy when you met him, right? And you still were when you got married." Dr. Ainsley clicked her pen on the note-pad. "He's keeping his promise Bella. He's not going anywhere."
-Depression
Bella completely broke down, her knees giving way and she slumped down on the floor, her hand clutching her chest where she tried to keep the hole, the void from expanding. "He's not there...He's gone..Just like that day...the flames are there! I can see them! The plane crash and how they took my Edward away..the baby is gone, I cannot feel it! Just like that day when I heard about his death..a-a-and I lost my balance and killed my baby! They all are gone! "
Dr. Ainsley got up, sitting beside her, she patted her shoulder, letting her sobs wail out, letting the pain, the depression, the longing-letting her to let it all out.
- Acceptance
Bella walked out of her apartment, locking it and jingling the keys around her finger, she skipped down the stairs. The sun shined brightly, making her cover her eyes as she smiled at a mother running with her two small daughters towards the pedestrian stop.
Bella stopped in the middle of the road, looking at the lonely end and then to the crowded one where people were crossing the zebra line, moving to the opposite side, laughing, talking , enjoying the morning coffee along. Biting her lip she took a step towards them, and another, further, till her legs picked up a momentum, taking her along with them, not giving her a chance to stop. She grinned and stole a glance at the lonely end where a figure loomed by, his face hidden by the dancing rays. The shine reflected and she could tell he was smiling, his figure moving further away, disappearing and the voice softly reached her ears.
"I love you more."
There is an appointed time for everything. A time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together. And finally, a time to embrace.
PLEASE, please review. They make me very happy.