Santana wasn't sure when the change had occurred; she didn't know if it had been gradual or all at once. She didn't know where, why, or how it had happened either. What she did know was the "what" and the "who" of it all. When she thought about it, she was also able to pinpoint the exact moment she realized that she had changed.
Or maybe she hadn't changed at all. Maybe the "what" and the "who" had been there all along and she had just been denying herself the simple right of being true to herself the whole time.
The initial feeling started out warm then grew hot as it infiltrated her soul. It had ignited behind her ribcage, coiled down her spine, settled deep in her body, and took up residence in the very marrow of her bones – in the raw essence that made Santana - Santana.
She tried to define it, but she couldn't. How can something so enormous be defined? It was something new, something better, something right. It was not something as trivial as puppy love, nor was it merely unbridled sexual attraction. It was - more. Santana had never felt this way before – not with anyone, least of all a girl.
When Quinn had shown the Cheerios the new performance costumes she managed to scrounge up, all the girls had been eager to try them on. It was a nice change from the hideous skirts and boxy shirts Sue made them wear constantly. All the girls looked great in the new uniforms, but when Santana saw Brittany decked out in the form-fitting outfit, her heart fluttered out of her chest and bore into Brittany's, nestling there, like a butterfly bounding into a field of wildflowers. Santana had always thought Brittany was pretty and funny and so smart, but up until now she hadn't realized just how uniquely special the girl was. It was like she was really seeing Brittany S. Pierce – all of her, for the first time.
The white football tights and red cut off shirt hugged all of Brittany's curves in all the right places. The lack of fabric across her midsection showed off Brittany's abdomen in a way that Santana had never gotten to see before – not really. The missing fabric also revealed the delicate small of her back and if Santana was being honest, she really, really wanted to have a closer look, not necessarily with her eyes.
Santana wasn't used to feeling this way – or maybe she had never been in the right mindset to realize the feelings she was having, because all of a sudden they had hit her like a ton of bricks. She had definitely had her share of good times with boys, (just last weekend she and Puck had parked in the Kewpee Burger parking lot. The windows fogged up quickly and thoroughly as they made out for hours before going inside to order their usual), but aside from her and Brittany's platonic hand holding and chaste kisses on the cheek, she had never been with a woman. She had never had the urge to be with a woman - until now.
She wasn't even sure what that meant – to be with a woman. All she knew was that watching Brittany dance in those adorable striped socks and hi-top sneakers, with her ponytail bobbing, made her heart race and her cheeks blush. Santana Lopez was not in the habit of blushing.
When Brittany so effortlessly performed the floor choreography, thrusting her hips and splitting her legs in that way, it had made Santana's head dizzy and her hands clammy. It's not like she had never seen Brittany dance before, Sue made them dance plenty at every Cheerios rehearsal, but something about the entire ensemble and the way Brittany exuded so much confidence spoke directly to Santana's soul.
To Santana, it was terrifying.
Santana saw how Kurt's recent coming out had affected him. She wasn't sure that she was actually gay – at least not as gay as Lady Hummel – but regardless, she wasn't willing to sacrifice her popularity for the sake of a girl crush; because, maybe that's all it was.
Maybe she just needed to date more guys. Maybe being in the Cheerios was messing with her brain – seeing all those half naked girls in the locker room had to have an effect on a girl, didn't it? Being on Sue's squad was a little bit like being in prison sometimes, Santana thought, and everyone knows the things that happen in prison when the opposite sex is missing from the equation.
Her whole life Santana had grown up knowing that girls should be attracted to boys. Her parents had never really delved into the subject but her abuela sure had. Abuela Lopez had drilled heterosexuality into her granddaughter's head since the very first time Santana put on her vintage wedding veil. There were countless times throughout Santana's childhood when she pretended to be the blushing bride and walked down the makeshift aisle in her abuela's living room toward her imaginary Prince Charming, while her abuela hummed The Wedding March.
No, Santana would never be able to come out – if that is even what the feelings actually meant. Her abuela would disown her and the whole school - the whole town even (with the exception of Kurt) - would ridicule her.
It was just a stupid girl crush. It's because Britt is her best friend and they laugh together and hold hands; that has to make a person feel good, right? She would feel the same way if she was that close with a boy, wouldn't she?
But boys in football tights with the reflective dark smudges beneath their eyes really weren't doing it for her. When Brittany came out of the locker room wearing essentially the same things the boys did, including the dark smudges, Santana's heart did somersaults in her chest. Her mouth went dry and all she wanted to do was kiss the blonde beauty silly.
It had to be because Brittany is just so pretty and funny and smart. Anyone would be attracted to her. As a matter of fact, many are attracted to her. Boys give Brittany a lot of attention and Brittany has never been shy about reciprocating said affection. Even if Santana did make her feelings known, Brittany would not let her act on them – because Brittany likes boys. And a lot of boys like Brittany.
She would just end up making a fool of herself. In this school, in this town, and especially in Lima Heights Adjacent, Santana Lopez couldn't afford to be looked upon as a fool – or worse, as a lesbian. So she decided she just needed something – someone - to distract her from all of it, because now she was certain that it was just a stupid girl crush. It was just her mind playing games with her heart. That's all it was. That's all it could ever be.
As Santana leaned back against her locker and tried to shove all the thoughts of Brittany to the back of her mind and ignore all the new feelings she had in her heart, she saw Puck ambling down the hall…
"Hey Puckerman," she called, "are you free tonight? Wanna grab a burger?"