What I Ache For

By knoxqsays

I'm comforted by the broken clock; it'll help me sleep tonight. Emily has taken to wearing my silver watch. I know she's noticed the clock, but has refrained from asking the staff to replace it. Funny that. With her, I've tried my best to be guarded, but maybe the cancer has made me an open book instead. Emily's like a bloody mind reader these days.

Tonight, I feel more alive than usual. For a minute, I consider waking Emily up, she's once again curled into my lap, but tonight I want to properly think things through. It's been a while since I've felt sober despite all the drugs they've pumped in my system. I want to think about the future. I want to imagine what will happen. I don't want to imagine the what-if's, it'd hurt too much. So tonight, I'll focus on the truth.

I want Emily to be happy. For sure, it's going to take a while. She's going to be wildly successful, that I know. Unlike me, Emily doesn't like running away from the truth, doesn't even think about pretending they don't exist. She's going to live in America. Probably with Katie or something, she needs some support. I smile at the thought. My girlfriend is brilliant, one day the Fitch Twins are going to be amazing. I can picture them, grinning from ear to ear, standing on some stage or whatever, with people applauding all around them. Katie's going to be fucking ecstatic, and despite her joy, I'm sure Emily will think of me. She won't forget me that I'm sure of. There are two things I'm sure of in this world. One, I love Emily Fitch more than life itself, and the second one is that our love will forever live on.

My chest is starting to hurt, so I bite my lip and blink away the tears. It's not an effect of the cancer, just saying. My heart aches when I think of me without her. I'm fucking scared, okay? I get so fucking angry when I think about the future. She'll make somebody bloody happy someday, and it won't be me. I need to calm down, my chest is heaving, and I don't want her to see me cry. She's strong, but possibly not as strong as me. I knew that when Effy fetched her from the airport and she walked in the hospital room and sobbed on my lap.

Effy's in jail now. One day, she'll come out and I pray that if she hasn't changed yet, she'd find somebody who would break her. Ems and I thought we could do it, you know, if we became her friend or whatever. But it didn't work. I called her the other day, when Emily was talking to the doctors.

"Promise me you'll stay alive," I whispered to her, all the while making sure Ems couldn't see. I had Freda, the nurse covering for me because right now, Emily fucking hates Effy's guts. The mere mention of her name lights fires in her eyes, that's how much my girlfriend hates my best friend.

"Naomi, I promise." Her voice was still clear, I shouldn't have been surprised. After all, this was Effy Cold Bitch Stonem. "How's Emily holding up?" She asked after a beat.

"Trying to be strong as always," I replied. "Ef, there's one thing I want you to do for me." This was the reason why I called her.

"Anything." With that one word, I knew what she meant. Effy meant, 'I'm sorry for fucking up your girlfriend's life, for not being there for you, for being a shitty friend. If I could take back the months and redo them, I'd be a better friend not only to you, but to Emily as well.' I'm pretty sure she meant that.

I took a deep breath. "When you're okay," I told her, "come see Emily. You know how she hates you, but one day I want you to apologize, to try to win back her friendship. Ef, she needs to have a friend."

There was silence on the other end. "What makes you think I would be that friend?" was all Effy asked.

"Because she's the friend that you'd need," I answered, sure of it.

I watch as Emily shifts beside me and I stroke her hair. She starts smiling, even before she blinks opens her eyes. All I can think of is that she is so beautiful.

Apparently we had the same thought because she looks up at me and clenches the hand that's stroking her cheek. "You're beautiful," she tells me.

I just smile. The doctors told her it'd be a month, and it's been three. I examine her face and I can still see her beauty shine through the tears, the tiredness, the paleness, that zombie expression that's usually plastered on her face when she thinks no one is looking, and my chest starts to hurt once again, because my heart can't possibly hold all this love for her inside me. "Promise me you'll be okay."

She takes a deep breath before nodding.

I remove my ring, the gold band Mum gave me when I turned 12, when I got my period and she declared me a woman. It was also the year I met Emily. I smile sadly as I hand it to her. "You're already wearing a lot of my stuff, but this I want to be yours completely."

Emily's eyes widen as I put it on her. She softly touches my left hand, where I normally wear it. "But babe…" she tries to protest.

"No," I shush her. "Just leave me our ring, alright?" She knows what I'm referring to. The matching skull rings she got for us ages ago, back when we were still in college.

Emily blinks away tears as she kisses my hand.

"The ring will have to be resized, your fingers are tiny." I grin.

Her eyes sparkle as she says, "You love them."

"Cheeky," I tell her, as she leans in for a kiss.

I start coughing violently again, and Emily holds my hands through the fit. When I'm done, I whisper, "Come cuddle," and she willingly obeys. I bury my head in her hair and wonder if I'd be lucky to come back in the next life. If not, I'd be completely grateful to die this way, in the arms of the one I truly love.

"Naoms," Emily says.

I make a 'mmm' sound. She holds me tighter, but continues talking.

"I'll always love you."

I look up at her and she's about to cry. No, no, no… I reach out and try to wipe away her tears. Ems is trying to choke back a sob, but it's not working.

"Emily," my voice is strong. Despite the ache in my chest, I'm confident that I can do this. "If I had one wish, it would be that I could go back in time and not be a messed up bitch so that I could love you longer. You are my everything."

Then she finally voices out her fear. "I don't want to love anybody else but you."

I can't help it, we both cry for a few minutes. Honestly, I don't really want her to either. The idea of Emily being with someone else makes me want to vomit. But she will love again, of that I'm sure. She's going to find someone who will love her and will be stubborn enough not to leave her alone when she pushes them away. But one day, some lucky woman will make her happy, will fill the hole in her heart that I've left. This person will be strong for Emily, when she's terrified of everything. She will be there to provide everything I can't possibly give her now: a future, with joy, and kids and life. Emily will realize one day that after I'm gone, she'd been living in gray, until she meets this person. One who will bring her flowers, take her to the movies, hold her hand and kiss her in public, let her cry when she needs to. A woman who will fight for her, that's what she needs. One who will push her to her limit and give her new memories, but won't be insecure to let Emily keep the old ones. All this I tell her, all because I love her.

"Emily," I say through my tears. "The idea of you being with someone else is not nearly as bad as the idea of you being unhappy for the rest of your life because of me."

Emily blinks her eyes and bites her lip. "I won't forget you," she promised.

"Of course not," I scoff. "It would be wrong to forget one so deeply and fondly devoted to you, who can so thoroughly appreciate your excellencies, and sympathise with all your thoughts, as I can do, and it would be wrong in me to forget so excellent and divine a piece of God's creation as you, when I have once so truly loved and known you." I recite. We had to read The Tenant of Wildfell Hall back in college, and this had been Emily's favorite quote. I think for a minute that she was surprised that I still remembered, but I don't forget. If it has to do with Emily, it will be etched forever in my brain.

She's asleep now. I'm about to close my eyes too, and part of me hopes that it'll be for the last time. I'm falling apart; god knows how long it'll take me before I break down completely in front of her. But in the pain, she clutches my hand and it gives me strength.

For now, I'll hold on. For Emily.