Knowledge
Author: Heaven's Flying Fish
Summary: I never knew you very well, I realised. [Remus, Lily/James
Author's Note: Third entry in LJ Community The Red and the Wolf challenge: Tales of Whiskey and Regret.
These prompts were ... 'Said something', 'Blood replenishing potion', and lyrics to 'February' by Joan Baez.
o:o:o
Then we forgot that we'd planted at all
Then we forgot what plants are altogether
And I blamed you for my freezing and forgetting and
The nights were long and cold and scary
Can we live through February?
- February, by Joan Baez
I didn't know you very well. I'd seen you a few times – how could I not? You were so tall and … different. You were much better suited to Ravenclaw, some people said. I didn't know; I hadn't talked to you very much. You didn't seem like a Ravenclaw to me.
Ravenclaws always seemed so pushy and snobbish. They expected to be right. They expected to win and be clever, and be rewarded for being clever and winning. You … you didn't seem like that to me. You seemed calm and reasonable. You came across as undeniably intelligent, extraordinarily clever, but you also seemed to have a different type of intelligence. You seemed … I don't know.
I didn't know you very well.
In fifth year we became Prefects together and we spoke a little. You had to reorganise some schedules – your mother was so poorly you were allowed monthly escapes to visit her. That was when I realised that you were quite suited to Hufflepuff. You were lovely and loyal and friendly and selfless and kind and, and, and. The list I made in my mind trailed on and on, chapter after chapter: a detailed catalogue of everything you seemed and were and could be.
Yet, I couldn't really tell. You smiled gently at me; you raised your eyebrows at Sirius to bring him down a peg or two; you furrowed your brow and James backed down from his next crazy stunt; you spoke quietly and Peter learned. You seemed the perfect friend. You seemed the perfect human being.
Sixth year came and went. We shared a few clumsy kisses in that secret corridor on the fourth floor, we took a little longer on our Prefect rounds than was expected of us, but no one said anything because they assumed we were merely doing a thorough job of it.
That was that year that I realised that I didn't really know you. It was that year that I realised that, well, no one really knew you.
The moment it hit me, I was wandering back from the library, dreamily thinking about you and … I was trying to remember something – anything – about you. When your birthday was, what illness your mother suffered from, why I had never noticed that you left every month.
And when the thought struck me, I kept saying to myself, 'Don't be silly … don't be so stupid. Of course I know him. Of – of course I know him …' But I knew it wasn't true. And when the thought struck me, it made me … it made me sad. It put everything into perspective for me. Because you, the perfect human being; you, the person everyone adored; you … were an … enigma. But no one seemed to care enough to untangle your web of secrets and delve into the mystery around you. And when that thought struck me, it made me weep.
I ran to our secret corridor, that turns out is not as secret as we first thought, and I fell into an alcove and I cried and cried and cried and cried.
Seventh year was a shock. You weren't Head Boy, and James Potter was instead. None of the other Prefects – those intelligent Ravenclaw Prefects and those loyal Hufflepuff Prefects – thought it should have been him, but no one said it should have been you.
That year I wanted to know you, so I asked you how you felt about it.
You just smiled your gentle smile, a wry and bitter twist to it, quickly hidden as your hand swept past your face into your hair, and said that it was "what you expected".
I didn't know what that meant, but I was seventeen and busy and seventeen. My duties were not with you any more, and I neglected you for James. You said nothing, as I then knew you wouldn't, and smiled your kind smile at Kitty Laurence, the new Gryffindor Prefect.
We left school and with a crash I realised just how much I still didn't know you. I didn't know where you were, what you were doing, and I continued to have no idea who you were. It irked me, and I vented my frustration on you, snapping and snarling when you dodged a question with one of your beautiful expressions.
James dragged you home one night, to our new apartment. You were bleeding, heavily, all over. James kept asking you, Who did this? What happened? Where were you? and as you answered, No one. Nothing. Order business, I realised just how little James knew you as well. I poured Blood Replenishing Potion down your throat, dosage after dosage.
You fell asleep and left in the morning, a kind 'Thank you' and a little grin, all our consolation.
A year later it hit me again how little we knew you.
We rejected you.
I saw your life fall apart. Quickly.
Bam.
Bam.
Bam.
Lily and James are dead – Bam.
They thought you were the traitor – Bam.
Sirius betrayed them – Bam.
Peter Pettigrew's dead – Bam.
Sirius is in Azkaban for life – Bam.
You were left with a worn suitcase and a heavily guarded secret. You were left with a bottle of my Blood Replenisher and a patched robe. You were left with so little, and I realised, suddenly, how little you'd always had.
I realised, as you went from Muggle town to Muggle village, smiling gently at shop owners and helping them out for food and board, how little you needed to be happy and content.
I realised, as you turned into a hideous creature every full moon, how much you hid away and how much you sacrificed to protect your secret.
I realised, as you returned to Hogwarts, grey and old; worn out, slightly bitter, still smarting from the hurts you'd borne …
I realised that you weren't as hard to figure out as I thought. I realised that you had one secret: that secret that was your life.
I realised, as you helped Harry defend himself, that you'd taught us all how to defend ourselves.
I realised, as you smiled kindly at Nymphadora Tonks, just how much I had missed in that little toothless grin.
I realised everything.
And.
And.
And.
That list is still writing itself.
But, I wish I had tried a little harder. I wish I had asked you whether you needed help with anything.
But, most of all, I wish – oh, how I wish …
I wish that we had all said, 'Thank you', too.
o:o:o