Hello everyone! When me and my little brother were doing dishes one day, we thought up this really silly story. I loved it so much, I jus had to turn it into an online story. So…here you go. From the sick mind who brought you THE HEART OF THE IDIOTS and THE HEALTH CLASS FIC OF SCAR33 D00M comes back again, more insane than ever. And I plan to release another one shotnext Friday.
BUSINESS AS USUAL
Ah, The Doom Organization (trade mark)! One of the most modern, and upcoming soul-stealing organizations on the market today. The most ancient magic, with a whole new modern flare for good measure, Mr. Dartz of Atlantis and his group of four employees have been stealing souls for well over a year. It's a tough job, but these proud young individuals work their hardest every day to gather enough souls to release an ancient beast to destroy the world as we know it.
However, just a week ago, Dartz needed to go off to a convention of evil people to try to see if they had the new death ray model he'd been looking for, as well as a new Pampered Chief terra cotta oven pan. While he was out, he gave very specific orders to his henchmen; 'get me one hundred souls for the great Leviathan by the time I get back'.
So far, the Doom Bikers have successfully captured a total of…three…and a half.
So with Dartz returning any day, our biker friends are running out of options. The last time Dartz got mad, he took away an entire town's cable privileges…then burnt it to the ground. So, they try to brainstorm a way to get ninety six and a half souls in one go. So far, their main idea is-
"You want us to throw a block party?" Raphael ask.
"Yep!" said Valon, a brunette, shortish, muscular Auzie. "Everyone loves a block party!"
"And where are we going to have it?" Mai asked. She was a blond, tall, hot girl who's temper has killed more than one man before. "On our island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?"
"No! At our 'eadquarters!" said Valon.
"You idiot," said Raphael, the tallest, buffest blond of the gang, and, even though his name suggests otherwise, is NOT Italian. "It's a secret yet powerful financial headquarters! We can't just go around giving out where it is!"
"Yeah stupid Auzie," said Alister, who war a red head that I mistook for a girl when he appeared on the show.
"Oh shut it!" screamed Valon. "Yew all should be thankin' me, specially after I stole that deck-"
"YOU WHAT?" the other four cried.
"Stole a deck," said Valon.
"That's perfect!" said Alistar. "We can tell them where it is, and force them into a duel to steal their soul!"
"Who's deck is it?" Mai asked.
"Not sure," said Valon. "I think it's Pegasus'."
"This is perfect!" said Raphael. "If we steal souls of really good duelists like Pegasus, the maybe Dartz will go easier on us for not getting as many as he wanted!"
"OH MY GOD!" Alister cried.
"WHAT?" Mai shrieked back.
"Raphael had a good idea!" Alister cried.
"Jeez. Isn't this the first sign of the apocalypse?" Valon asked.
PEGASUS MANOR
As Pegasus sunbathed outside of his manor on the Southern Coast of France, indulging on wine, and other such things, he had no clue that he, Maxamillion 'Fancy Pants' J. Pegasus would be the first in a horrific string that would bring the entire dueling community to it's knees!
"Mr. Pegasus," said Croquet, carrying out a black phone to Pegasus' lawn chair. "threatening phone call on line one."
"YAY!" Pegasus cried, picking it up. "Hello threateners!"
"If you ever want to see your deck again," said a sinister voice through the speaker, "listen carefully to the rest of this call and ask no questions. This shall not be repea-"
"Raphael, why are you talking all stupid into the phone?" Valon's voice asked in the backround.
"IDIOT! HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO'S CALLING!" Raphael screamed.
"Well, I don't think you have to talk all stupid into the phone though," said Valon.
"YOU STUPID AUZIE! YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!" screamed Raphael. "Go play Bunny Bashers with Alister or something!"
"Oh, so you can just talk all stupid into the phone again?" Valon asked.
"YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE YOU TWIT!" screamed Raphael.
"I'LL KILL YOU FOR TH-"
Suddenly, the phone went dead.
"Any idea who it was?" asked Croquet.
"Oh, it's just the Doom Bikers again," said Pegasus. "They apparently have my deck."
"Should I call security to go with you sir?" asked Croquet.
"No, just fire up the helicopter."
AT THE SECRET HEADQUARTERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN A FEW MINUTES LATTER
"HA!" said Alister, playing a game on Playstation 2 with Valon, as both were sitting on a couch in front of a plasma TV, with Mai and Rafael watching behind them (Mai got to play winner). "My bunny's kicking you're bunny's sorry butt!"
"Oh yeah?" said Valon, as on television screen, Valon's bunny suddenly pulled out a huge plasma cannon and aimed it right at Alister's bunny, incinerating it.
"Player Two Loses," said the computer in a robotic voice as Alister slumped over his controller in defeat, and Valon began doing a little victory dance on the coffee table.
"Alright, I'm here!" said Pegasus, walking into the scene, wearing his usual red suit and white dress shoes. "Hand over my deck, so I can get on with my life."
"HA!" screamed Valon triumphantly, shoving the deck into Pegasus's hands, while cackling maniacally as Pegasus flipped through them. "Now we 'ave caught you in our trap mate! The only way you can possibly 'ope to get out of here alive is-"
"This isn't my deck," said Pegasus.
"What…" asked Alister.
"This isn't my deck!" said Pegasus again.
"We did all of this for nothing?" asked Rafael angrily, knocking over a cheep table lamp in anger.
"I think it may be Yugi's…" said Pegasus.
"FINE! Ring him up!" said Alister.
AT THE YUGI MOTOU RESIDENCE
"HEY GRANDPA! WHERE DO BABY'S COME FROM?" Yugi yelled down the stairs to Grandpa, who was sitting on the couch in the dark and dusty game shop, reading the wall street journal by candlelight.
"Target, duh," said Grandpa.
"Oh yeaaaaaaah," said Yugi, as the telephone rang besides Grandpa.
"Hello?" Yugi's Grandpa asked into the phone, after listening to it for a short period of time, held it out. "Yugi, a nice old lady is on the phone saying you got your order of fancy, imported socks."
"YAY!" screamed Yugi, jumping down the stairs and snatching up the phone. "Hello nice old lady!"
"If you ever want to see your deck again-" started the sinister voice on the phone.
"There you go, talking all stupid into the phone again!" said Valon angrily.
"I SAID DON'T BUG ME WHEN I'M TALKING ON THE PHONE!" screamed Rafael. "Who the heck taught you how to make threatening phone calls? You're grandma?"
"But I don't like it when people talk stupidly into the phone!" yelled Valon.
"DIE AUZIE!" screamed Rafael. "Look Yugi, just come down to the Tomb of the Great Leviathan in the middle of the ocean-STOP POKING ME WITH THAT!"
Click.
"Grandpa, do you have the number for rent-a-jet?" asked Yugi.
"Go look it up in the phone book," said Grandpa.
A FEW MINUTES LATER
"Ha!" said Mai, who had replaced Alister in the huge sofa chair while she and Valon were playing 'Bunny Bashers'. "Now my bunny's kicking your bunny's butt!"
"Oh yeah?" asked Valon, as his bunny pulled out the plasma cannon.
"Yeah!" said Mai, as her bunny pulled out the Gamma Ray cannon, using it to incinerate Valon's bunny in an ultrasonic blast.
"Player One loses," said the robotic voice again, as Mai straightened up in the chair with pride, and Valon sunk in his chair in defeat. At that moment, a huge jet crashed through the roof of the temple, thankfully not crushing any of our heroes and Pegasus, as the cockpit opened and Yugi hopped out of the plane.
"THANK YOU MISTER PLANE DRIVER!" Yugi called over his shoulder. "Okay! I'm here for my deck!"
"HA!" Valon said, shoving the deck into Yugi's hands. "Now we 'ave you! Prepare for a duel that will-"
"This isn't my deck," said Yugi.
"Oh, it isn't?" asked Pegasus.
"WHAT?" screamed the Doom Bikers.
"Nope! It smells like Cheez Whiz! My deck smells like Citrus Blast!" said Yugi. "It probably belongs to Joey. I think his smells like cheese!"
"Fine, I'll call him," said Raphael, reaching for the phone.
"NOPE! No need!" said Yugi, pulling out a pink cell phone with purple flowers and a little Dark Magician Girl chibi keychain. "I have him on speed dial!"
AT THE RESIDENCE OF MR. HATES-THE-WORLD
"I HATE EVERYTHING! GOD I HATE EVERYTHING!" screamed a man, who was wearing grey and was sitting on a gray sofa in a gray painted room, reading a black and white, so it's practically gray, newspaper. "THAT SUN IS TOO DARN HOT, THOSE STUPID BIRDS WONT STOP SINGING, AND THE PATHETIC, HIGH PITCHED LAUGHTER OF THOSE HAPPY CHILDREN SKIPPING DOWN THE LANE ARE GIVING ME A MIGRANE!"
Suddenly, the gray, boring phone rang on the blank, grey coffee table, with no other kind of adornment.
"HELLO? I HATE YOU!" screamed the man on the phone. "WHAT? YOU AGAIN! FOR THE LAST TIME, KNITTING LESSONS AREN'T TIL THURSDAY! GET INTO YOUR THICK HEAD!"
Slam!
---ooo---
"Whoops," said Yugi to the Doom Bikers. "Sorry, I pressed 2 instead of three…"
AT THE JOEY WHEELR RESIDENCE
"More tea Mrs. Duel Disk?" said Joey, pouring imaginary tea into the pink, flower covered tea cup in front of his duel disk, who was sitting in a pretty pink chair, as he and all of his stuffed animals also sat around. "Isn't it a lovely day? What do you think Mr. Cuddly-Snuggly-Dinglepants?"
Just then, Joey's pink flowery phone, which looked a lot like Yugi's except it was an actual phone and it had a Chibi Flame Swordsman instead of a Chibi Dark Magician Girl Key Chain.
"Hello? I'm not doing anything girly!" Joey said, holding his pretty pink teapot, while wearing a pink apron with frilly white lace.
"Hey Joey!" said Yugi. "Guess what? I'm trapped on an ancient island tomb thingit in the middle of the ocean, and a bunch of big, scary biker people and Pegasus, and they say that they have your deck! Wanna come over and make sure it isn't yours?"
"OKAY! I'll be right over once I get a ride!" said Joey, hanging up. "Oh man…where am I going to find someone to take me to the middle of the ocean?"
"Hello Joey!" said a magical, six foot tall, pink fairy that suddenly appeared at Joey's side. "I am the Good Fairy of Poorly Written Plot Devices, and I am here to grant you one wish."
"AWESOME!" said Joey. "Can I go to the middle of the ocean to that temple thingit then?"
BACK WITH THE OTHERS
"Don't worry, he'll be here any second now!" said Yugi.
"THANK YOU GOOD FAIRY!" said Joey, crashing through the ceiling, making a Joey-shaped whole in it, and landing right on Valon's lap. "WOOT! Where's my deck?"
"HA!" screamed Valon, once again shoving the deck away, this time into Joey's hands. "Now, all three of you oul trapped in our…TRAP! An' oul of you-"
"Dis isn't my deck," said Joey.
"Oh dear, bad luck!" said Pegasus.
"Wait, I thought you had the Fartinair!" said Yugi, pointing to one card in his deck, as all the Doom Bikers anime fell.
"Yes, but I don't have a Lady Psychotic Ax Woman!" said Joey. "Maybe…IT'S SERENITY'S DECK!"
"Does she have a deck?" Mai asked.
AT THE SERENITY WHEELER RESIDENCE
" 'A horrible tragedy now leaves Joey's Mom dead, and Joey and Serenity living on a fixed income with the threat of being split into two separate foster homes on the horizon, due to their father now being in prison'," said Serenity, reading off a story summery of a story on FF dot net. " 'However, they suddenly land an apartment just for the two of them from an unknown and kind stranger. Does that have anything to do with the mysterious CEO that Serenity seems to see more frequently? SetoXSerenity.'," she finished. "OH GOD, I HATE MY LIFE!"
Just then, Serenity's cell phone rang in her pocket, which she pulled out and flipped open.
"Hello?" she asked over the phone.
"HEY SERENITY! IT'S JOEY!" said Joey. "We're stuck on a big, creepy super market island temple thing in the middle of the ocean, and some circus freaks say they have your deck!"
"I have a deck?" Serenity asked.
"Can you come over here PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?" Joey begged and whined over the phone.
"ALRIGHT! I'm coming!" said Sernity. "Goodbye Joey."
Of course, there was the next problem. How was she going to get their.
"Hey Mom! Do you know how to drive yachts?" Serenity called downstairs.
WITH THE REST
"Wow, talk about a sore loser," said Mai, as a huge, smoldering pile of rubble lay in front of the TV of what used to be the PS2, which Rafael destroyed in a fit of rage after losing his title of all time Bunny Bashers Champion.
"Now…no one will ever beat me at that game again…" said Rafael. "I'm sorry my precious bunnies. I…I COULDN'T LET YOU LIVE YOUR LIVES IN THE HANDS OF ANOTHER! I had to put you out of your misery…I'm sorry!"
Raphael suddenly began crawling toward the rubble of the PS2 to pay tribute to the fallen electronic device, sobbing uncontrollably.
"FORGIVE ME! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" he screamed in anguished pain. "OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!"
All the others stood in silence.
"Um, you could just buy a new one," said Yugi.
"SILENCE!" screamed Raphael.
"Thanks Mom!" Serenity said, walking through the huge set of double doors that lead into the temple, closing them behind her. "Okay, why did you want me here again?"
"HA!" said Valon, rushing to Serenity, shoving the deck into her hands, and rushing back to his former place next to the others. "Now that we 'ave yoo Serenity, yeh'll be just another carving on our-"
"I don't have a deck you know," said Serenity.
"TOLDJA!" screamed Joey.
"Why the heck not?" Pegasus asked.
"Because if there's one thing I've learned, if you play cards, bad things happen to you, like getting your granpa's soul sucked into a TV, or getting your mind warped by a weirdo pharaoh, or getting forced into a duel tournament, or getting the snot beat out of you by prize hunters, or having your soul captured in a card, or being locked up in a big scary prison cell, or-"
"Are you done?" asked Valon.
"Nope," said Serenity. "Or getting your mind torn open and read, or having your spiritual energy drained in a deadly shadow game, or having to go through a freaky theme park of death, or having to dodge hit men, or having to run away from a chainsaw wielding maniac-"
"We're really running out of people to call," said Mai.
"Let's call Kaiba to annoy him!" said Joey.
"OKAY!" Yugi said, flipping out his pink cell phone. "You know his number, right Joey?"
AT KAIBA CORP
" 'Serenity Wheeler has recently ran away from home during a heated argument with her Mom about her thoughts on her brother Joey. She wants desperately to find him, but is too scared to go back to her abusive father. So she has no other choice but to sleep on a park bench one stormy, late autumn night, until a certain CEO crosses her path…SetoXSerenity'," Seto said, as he read a story summery on FF dot net. "God, I hate my life. And why do they always say 'a certain CEO'. CAN'T THEY JUST SAY MY NAME?"
Just then, his office phone rang. The caller ID said 'Blonde Loser in a Vegetative State'.
"Wheeler…" Seto said evily, pulling out the stress relieving hand axe that he kept in his desk, and was about to chop the phone in half.
"Seto, are you trying to destroy the phone again?" Mokuba asked, poking his head through Seto's office door.
"No," Seto said darkly, burying the hand axe in the edge of his desk and snatching up the phone. "Okay Monkey-Boy, I have an air horn in my desk, and unless you say what you need to say in the next thirty seconds, you're going to need to go on the market for an ear operation next."
"KAIBAWEHAVEYOURDECKONABIGSCARYISLANDTHINGITINTHEMIDDLEOFTHEOCEANCOMEHEARIFYOUEVERWANTTOSEEITAGAIN!"
Click.
"How did he manage to get past the walls of security guards, heat lasers, and walls of machine guns that fire at anything that moves?" asked Seto. "Oh well. Mokuba, go fire up the Blue Eyes White Dragon shaped air transportation vehicle."
WITH THE REST
"-or get trapped in a big warehouse, or become a sexy Egyptian's mind slave, or have your arm cut by an evil spirit that takes residence in your body, or get forced into a duel with your best friend, or have your mind zapped, or have your best friend tied to a chair under a huge, overhanging crate-" continued Serenity, reading from a huge book called All the Bad Stuff That's Happened On Yu-Gi-Oh.
"You know, at this point, I think we've got the idea," said Mai.
"I agree," said Raphael.
Just as Serenity continued to ramble, a huge, Blue Eyes White Dragon shaped Jet crashed through the roof, and landed right on Joey.
"Hm Hky," said Joey from under the jet.
"Good, I was really hoping I squashed something," said Seto, hopping out of the cockpit with Mokuba at his side. "Okay, now where's my deck?"
"HA!" Valon said, handing over the deck. "Now that Oi have yoo caught in moi gripp, it shall be easy too-"
"This isn't my deck, you band of mediocre minds," said Seto.
"JEEZ! NOT AGAIN!" screamed Alister.
And so the dramatic search for who the mysterious deck belonged to continued, as more and more characters from Yu-Gi-Oh were called to the ancient temple to try to find the owner of the deck Valon found. So, the Doom Bikers, digging out the phonebook, then proceeded to cal everyone that ever appeared in a Yu-Gi-Oh episode in the history of forever. As time passed, the characters became increasingly obscure!
"Name?" asked Alister, sitting at the head desk.
"Bully Number Two, Mokuba's Flashback, Episode Nineteen," said the guy standing in front of Alister.
"Very good. Next," said Alister, as he left, and a teenage girl took his place. "Name?"
"Girl Harassing Mime, Episode Sixty-five," said the girl.
"Very good. Next," said Alister, as a chainsaw wielding guy in a clown costume walked into the scene. "Name?"
"Chainsaw Wielding Clown, Homocidal Maniac Scene, Episode 312," said the clown.
"Wait…there was never an episode 312 in Yu-Gi-Oh!" said Alister.
"Uh, yeah," said the clown, running away from the desk, as he was being chased by two policemen that appeared out of nowhere.
And so, the ancient tomb was suddenly overflowing with all manors of characters from Yu-Gi-Oh, from Rex Raptor to Anubis, From Ironheart to Grandpa, from Rebeca to Tea, every single person ever seen on Yu-Gi-Oh now stood in the ancient tomb of the great Leviathan…and even a couple characters from Fruits Basket.
"So what do you make of all this?" asked Yuki.
"Very strange waves…" replied Hanajima.
"Dude, who invited them?" Weevil asked Rex, pointing to the Fruits Basket characters.
"-or sucked into a virtual world, or being forced into evil duels, or having your body stolen, or dueling a freaky penguin, or having darkened parts of your past played out for you in front of your very eyes, or get slammed into a robot monkey suit-" Serenity continued to read from her book.
"Okay, the good news is that we've got our ninety six and a half people," said Mai to the other Doom Bikers. "Now how are we going to suck out their souls all at once?"
"I have a cunning plan!" said Valon.
"Isn't that what got us here in the first place?" asked Raphael.
---ooo---
"Attention everyone! Listen up please!" said Valon, standing on top of a huge statue in the ancient temple, and talking into a megaphone. The second he did, with a wave of hushes and shushes, the entire tomb went quiet.
"Okay, thank you!" said Valon. "Okay, first of all, thank yoo fah comin' to this ancient tomb of the Great Leviathan! Now Oi'm sure you all ow wondrin' wot's gonna 'appen now. Basically, we're gonna suck out oll of yow souls, as to how…we're open to any suggestions…"
"Hey! That's not cool!" Yugi's Mom called from the crowd.
"I really feel we don't have a say in this!" said Tea.
"Hey! We got a bunch of people right?" said Tristan. "Let's start an angry mob!"
"Uh oh," Mai said.
A FEW MINUTES LATER
"THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR LISTENING TO A STUPID AUZIE!" screamed Alister, as he, Valon, Raphael, and Mai were clinging to the statues carved on the ceiling for dear life as a homicidal crowd of characters from Yu-Gi-Oh (and Fruit's Basket) assembled in an angry mob bellow, waving torches and throwing sticks, stones, pitchforks, and each other at the ceiling to try to knock down the trapped Doom Bikers. All hope seemed lost, until unfortunately-
"WHAT THE ABYSS OF DESPARE IS GOING ON HERE?" asked Dartz in the huge, double doorway of the temple, carrying a suitcase covered in stickers in one hand, and a bunch of death-ray brochures and a brand new terra-cotta cooking pan in the other.
"Um…it's kind of a long story…" said Alister, as Ryo Bakura's shoe just barely missed his head.
"Would you please tell me what they are doing here?" asked Dartz angrily, pointing at the homicidal crowd of Yu-Gi-Oh characters.
"JUST MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" screamed Mai.
"But-" Dartz started.
"PLEASE!" screamed the Doom Bikers.
"Go home," Dartz said to the crowd.
And so, with a brief period of silence, and then a bunch of 'yeah's and 'alright's and 'okay, see you's, all the Yu-Gi-Oh characters dropped their torches and pitchforks and other various items of pain causing, and they neatly filed out of the ancient tomb, a small buzz of conversation as they exited.
"Well, I hope you learned a lesson from all this," said Dartz, as the four Doom Bikers slowly climbed down to the ground.
"I didn't," said Raphael, but he was jabbed in the ribs by Valon, as all the other Doom Bikers enthusiastically nodded.
"Good," said Dartz.
"But I wonder," said Mai. "Who exactly did Valon steal that deck from?"
---ooo---
"SHIGURE-SAN!" screamed Tohru Honda up from her room back in 'Fruits Basket' Land. "HAVE YOU SEEN MY CARD DECK ANYWHERE?"
---ooo---
"-or have a weirdo flashback of ancient Egypt, or have your soul stolen for a hideous beast called the Great Leviathan, or have your best friend's soul stolen for a hideous beast called the Great Leviathan, or worst of all, getting written into a very bad fan fiction story," said Serenity, finishing up her book. "Well that's all the time we have for Business As Usual folks. We hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for coming, and don't forget to review. See you next Friday."
She walked out of the story line for good, and then, Joey walked in, wheeling in a table and swivel chair.
"And now, today on 'Joey's Day', were going to learn how to make Chocolate Chip Cookies the professional way!" he said.
THE END!