Title: Restoration
Rating: PG-13
Genres: Angst, Romance, Smarm, Hurt/Comfort, AU
Summary: After a year of avoiding the Temple and his former Master, Obi-Wan must confront emotions he pushed aside.
Warnings: Slash, but nothing graphic.
Disclaimer: I hold no claim over these characters. I'm just playing a bit.
Author's Note: So this is the first fic I ever wrote. I found it on my computer after trying to reclaim several lost documents after a virus messed with several of my files. I think I may have posted this a long time ago under a different account, but I'm not certain and I can't seem to find it on the site. So I thought I'd post it again for kicks. It's complete, but I still have a bit of cleaning up to do on it, so I'll try and post a chapter a day for the next several days. Let me know what you think.
Obi-Wan Kenobi had been standing in the same position for about a quarter of an hour. The light from the view screen was bathing his features with an unnatural glow that sent shadows across his face. His stiff stance combined with the vacant look in his eyes made him look more like a statue than a human being. The only movement he made was the rising and falling of his chest. His breaths were slow and even, taken with a practiced care that all initiates learned during their first lessons in the crèche. It was a technique that was taught at an early age in order to instill calmness and ease. It was one of the attributes that made the Jedi seem so emotionally detached to those outside the order. The Jedi, though, took pride in their ability to remain calm in the most dismal situations. Obi- Wan had taken advantage of this trait many times throughout his training. He had faced war, famine, slaughter, torture, and many other dangerous situations during the numerous missions he had been on during his time at the temple. He had never needed that legendary Jedi calm, though, as much as he did at that moment. He could feel himself slipping toward the edge of panic. He took a single deep breath and closed his eyes. He held it until he could feel the pressure build up in his head and his lungs burned from the lack of oxygen. Then he let it out slowly and opened his eyes. He focused on the screen and read the words one more time.
Knight Kenobi:
In light of your last mission, the Council is requesting a full briefing on the status of the Khrinarian conflict and their current status with the Republic. While your briefings have recently been made through written reports and vid-conferences, we find that the complex nature of this mission requires your presence at the temple for a further evaluation of the situation by the Council. Since your last few missions have not required you to return to Coruscant, the Council has granted you a leave of duty so that you may have time to complete your briefing and spend time reacquainting yourself at the temple.
May the force be with you,
Master Mace Windu
He knew that it would happen eventually. In the back of his mind he knew that he would have to return one day. He just hoped that it didn't have to come so soon. He had spent nearly a year away from the Temple, going on one mission to the next with only short breaks between each. During those breaks he never returned to the temple. Un-paired Knights were not required to return to the Temple between missions, though most did in order to feel the serenity that only the Temple could offer. The large amount of Force sensitives in one area always made the Temple a place filled with an aura of warmth and companionship. Most lone knights felt the need to return in order to ground themselves after dangerous and stressful missions. Obi-Wan, though, was only filled with a sense of dread when he thought of returning to the Temple.
He had spent his rare time between missions on various planets. He would immerse himself in the culture of all the places he visited. Many times he would find himself in small dusty diners and bars, simply talking and drinking with the locals. He had to admit, though, that some of the indulgences he had allowed himself on these culture ventures were very un-Jedi like. It was his way of trying to be something else or someone else, just for a short while. He would simply pretend to be someone different, someone the Jedi would never allow him to be. He had been people that he thought to be the scum of the earth. He had been people that he admired. He had been everything in between. He was disgusted with himself when he thought back to all the things he had done over the past year. But he never regretted it. The masks he would put on at least allowed him a bit of freedom from the demons that haunted his soul. He would simply shed his life off like a dirt caked piece of clothing. It was how he lived his life when he didn't have a mission to focus on. Recently, though, the freedom of it had begun to wear off. He was now left with only feelings of emptiness, guilt, and extreme exhaustion. He wasn't sure he had anything left in him to form another one of his alternate selves.
While he wasn't sure he could handle another masquerade, the idea of returning to the temple was even more repulsing. He knew he would feel their distance the moment he stepped off the transport. They didn't do it on purpose, he knew that, but it pained him nonetheless. He knew what they were thinking when they saw him. He knew that they looked into his eyes and searched for the darkness that must be lurking there. They were all waiting for him to show a sign that he had been tainted. The worst thing was, though, that even though their minds were distanced from his, he could still hear the words that formed in their minds the moment they saw him. Sith killer. It had been thousands of years since any Jedi had faced a Sith and Obi-Wan had fought and killed one in sabre combat. His closest friends had stayed by him and tried not to show their uneasiness with his new label. While he appreciated their loyalty, he couldn't stand the detachment he felt when he walked among the Temple halls. He no longer felt like a part of a community that was fueled by the warmth of the Force.
After his first few weeks back from Naboo, he did not venture far from his quarters. He knew that his fellow Jedi were uncomfortable around him, so he thought it better to keep to himself. This also presented a problem, though, since he was still rooming with Qui-Gon. After his knighting he had requested a separate room in the east wing where most of the Knight's quarters were located. The rooms were being rewired, and the Resident Director told him that his room would not be ready for a few weeks. So he was forced to stay in the Master-Padawan suite with Qui-Gon and his former Master's newly appointed Padawan. While he still stayed in his old room, he was forced to watch as his master began to train his new Padawan. He treated Anakin as if he were the son he had always wished for. Qui-Gon's eyes would light up any time Anakin spoke. He would laugh with him, and freely give praise to the newly appointed Padawan. Obi-Wan watched this all in silence.
It wasn't the silent distance from other Jedi or his Master's new Padawan that made Obi-Wan dread returning to the Temple though. It was Master Qui-Gon himself that
Obi-Wan could not face. He knew that his former Master saw him as a failure. He saw Obi-Wan as an insult to his teaching. Obi- Wan knew that he would never live up to
Qui-Gon's standards. He simply was not good enough. He was decent enough in classes and in physical training, but he knew that he was lacking with his ability to sense the Living Force. Qui-Gon had told him many times that he needed to open himself up more to the life that surrounded him. He tried, and was just beginning to truly feel the Living Force surround and posses him when they left for Naboo.
After his battle with the Sith, Obi-Wan held his shields around him like a security blanket. He made certain that he was blocked off completely from any living creature. He knew that if his shields cracked even a little that he would feel the contempt and fear they held for him. He knew that his Master could not bear him any more. After his rejection in front of the Council, he held little hope that his Master would ever care for him again. It wasn't the rejection that caused him to shut down though.
After Qui-Gon's injuries were healed, Obi-Wan made a choice. He decided that his life meant very little without Qui-Gon and he was going to speak to his Master about his feelings. He was going to lower his shields and allow his Master to look into his mind. He would allow him to see all that he had been hiding, all the pain and the guilt he held. He thought that maybe this would make his Master look at him like he did when he first became his Padawan. He would smile and laugh so easily at Obi-Wan's jokes. But somewhere in his training, Obi-Wan had become a failure to his Master. He had caused the man to loose the only hope he had for a worthy student. The smile that Obi-Wan hoped to receive did not come. And Obi-Wan's life shattered to pieces.