Letters Left Unread

One Shot

In silent screams,
In wildest dreams
I never dreamed of this

Dear Austin,

Well, well, well. What could there possibly be to say? I'm the one who's suppose to be good with words, but now, staring at the blank, white, lined paper, I'm speechless. The words are circling around in my head but they don't sound quite right. Maybe because none of this is right.

Silence was never my strong suit, as you know from my babbling mouth. But, talking about feelings was never my strong suit either.

But, I miss you a lot. And it's Christmas time and that makes me miss you more. Last month was Thanksgiving and I had nothing to be thankful for. Weird, huh? The girl who used to be thankful for everything and anything. For the juiciest pickle, or the lyrics coming together perfectly. Nope, I had nothing to say at the dinner table. Everyone understood, but it still made me feel like a horrible person.

Remember when we first met? Let me refresh your memory in case you forgot. It was the first day of freshman year, you were wearing a plaid shirt, I was wearing a dress with a vest. We were in the same home room and had to sit next to each other in the back of the room. I was shy, you were loud. You were blond, I was brunette. We both had brown eyes that we used to look at each other from the corner of them. You carried a red binder while I'll carried my brown journal.

"Wanna know a secret?" You asked me. I responded with, "It depends, does it have anything to do with the French that I am trying to learn?" I pointed to the teacher who was standing at the front of the room passing out papers.

That shut you up. But not for long. "Ally, are you sure you don't wanna know a deep, dark, secret?" You tried me again the next week. The only thing I could think was, a, why is this boy talking to me when I'm trying to conjugate verbs, and, b, what secret could he possibly have to tell me?

I'm sure that you remember what you told me, Austin. But I feel like writing it down, just like I did when I got home from school in that October. "The french teacher is secretly a man." I remember laughing so hard that Mrs. Crunch turned to us, pointed her long finger and said, "Moon, Dawson, detention!"

The look on my face was pure horror, or so you told me when we sat in the desks after school that same day. "Well, Moon, I'm sorry that I've never, ever, been given detention before." I sat in the desk with my arms crossed over my chest.

"Come on, Dawson, you're not mad about that." You, my dear Austin, said while smirking.

"Excuse me, Moon?" I gave you a death glare, your smirk grew bigger.

"I said, Dawson, that you're not mad about having detention. You're mad because you have to be alone in a room with me."

You really messed up my mind, you know that Austin? And I'm still messed up. While you, well you're in peace. Living out the rest of your life in repeat. Meanwhile I'm left writing you letters that you will never read. Merry Christmas, Austin.

Dear Austin,

I'm writing you again on New Years. Another year, another lifeless party because you're not here. I wonder what kind of party you're at? Is it nice? Who'd you kiss at midnight? I kissed no one, in case you're wondering as well.

You remember our first kiss? It was sophomore year and we were on the way home from a concert. We weren't dating but we weren't just friends either. You drove since you were the only with a license. The radio was thumping and my heart was doing the same because of the way you looked at me during the last song of the night.

I'm gonna take a pause from the stroll down memory lane to tell you something that you probably don't know. I had liked you for longer than we both knew. If possible, I liked you before I even met you. My like for you grew as our time together got longer. Then, when you asked me May of tenth grade if I wanted to go to a random concert with you, I knew that I would never forget you as long as I lived. So, that's why I got in the car with you, on a school night, to go to see some band that I had never even heard of before. That's why when you asked me why I was being so quiet, I froze.

"Ally, look at me." You said after I realized that we were parked some where a long side the road. I couldn't look at you, I wouldn't. But I did when you touched my cheek to move it towards you. "Is there something you need to say?"

And that's when I let everything flow out of my mouth. "I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. Well, actually it's me, because of you." I had an unsure look on my face because I knew. I knew that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop. "I like you. And I mean really like you. I have for a really long time, but I just figured that you would never like me because I'm me. And you're you. And I just."

"Ally, stop talking." You had both hands resting on my cheeks as you said this. You were completely turned around in the drivers seat. You must have turned off the radio because all of sudden the only sound heard was two hearts beating fast.

"I'm sorry, I'll stop talking. I just, you know."

"Ally, can you just shhh." You put your finger over my mouth, and my heart stopped its thumping because you were so close. "Can I kiss you?" I could feel your breath on me. The boy that I had liked since I was 14 going on 15, was asking to kiss me. My 16 going on 17 mind was going crazy.

"Sure, yeah, of course." I smiled widely as Austin leaned in closer and closer. "We're really about to do this! Austin's about to kiss Ally. Moon's about to kiss Dawson. Brunette and blonde. Red lips mixing with pink ones. Brown eyes looking into brown eyes." I couldn't help but babble on because I was so nervous.

"Ally. I'm serious. Shut up, Dawson, so I can kiss you."

"Okay, Moon."

And you kissed me. Austin kissed Ally. Moon kissed Dawson. Brunette and blonde. Red lips mixed with pink ones. Brown eyes looked into brown eyes. I knew from that point on that I was stuck. Stuck on you and what you do me. Or, what you did to me.

I should end this letter here. If you read this, which I know you won't, I'm sure you could see my tears that mixed with ink, making small smudges. Happy New Year, Austin. And here's to many more, Moon.

Dear Austin,

Happy Valentines day! Yep, Valentines day has come upon the world again. Reds and pinks fill Miami, as do kissing couples. Me? Well at least I have an even bigger excuse to wear red lip stick and heart patterns. You? Well you probably was at some big party! You were probably the guest of honor and everyone who was any one was there. Elvis Presley, and Micheal Jackson, wearing red and sporting candy heart necklaces.

Any way, I don't have much to say in this letter.

Sometimes I find my self having one sided conversations for inanimate objects. I'll start talking to a chair until I realize that I'm not actually talking to Austin, no I'm talking to a chair. Trish caught me once. She then proceeded to give me a long lecture.

"Ally," she said, "I know that you miss him, we all do. But, maybe you need more help than we do. We've all been talking and we think that you should see a therapist."

Can you believe that? Trish, Dez, my mom and dad, your mom and dad, talking about how I'm so insane that I need to see a therapist! Crazy, huh?

I know that I've taken it all hard, and I have every right to, but, I've been thinking about it and maybe I should see a therapist. Plenty of people see therapists for the same reason as me. So, I'm starting to see one next week. She seems nice and hopefully won't think I'm too crazy.

On a more positive note, I found the Valentines day card you got me in our first year of college!

So, Ally, today is your favorite day of the year because you can wear red lipstick proudly and that skirt that's covered in little hearts. It's also a really cheesy day because of all the people confessing love and people responding to feelings of lust. By now, in our third year of being together, I'm sure that you know how I'm in love, and lust, with you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, look up!

There you were, standing in the middle of my apartment, holding roses and a box. A box that held a beautiful ring.

"I know that this is the most cliche day for me to do this, but I can't wait any longer. So, Ally Dawson, will you marry me?"

We both know what happened after that.

Austin, my love, I didn't find it cliche. My friends and parents did, but I didn't. I guess I just love that there is one day where every one appreciates love for how amazing it is. Love, love, love. It's a special kind of feeling.

The real reason I didn't find it cliche was because every day felt like Valentines day with you.

I guess I should go. Love you so much, Austin. Even if you will never tell me that again.

Dear Austin,

It's been awhile since I last wrote you. It's now Easter. And I have been seeing the therapist for two months. She says that maybe writing letters aren't helping. I told her that I would stop, but I didn't mean it.

How could I stop talking to the person who I'm married to. How could I stop dreaming of the person who was my first everything. How? Tell me how, therapist.

I miss you, Austin. Why did you leave? I know it wasn't your choice, but couldn't you of stopped it? Who am I kidding, if you could of, you would of. I couldn't of stopped it.

I wanna write more, but there's no way I can do that tonight. So, happy Easter, Austin.

Dear Austin,

Happy Thanksgiving! Are you hung over from turkey and stuffing? I know I am!

It truly has been awhile since I last wrote you the letters that you'll never read. And even longer since I last saw you.

I'm finally ready to talk about our last conversation.

"You swear you'll be back in time for the party?" I asked you on that Saturday morning. Trish was throwing a welcome back party for Dez, who had been away filming a movie. But you had to travel down to Orlando for a meeting with the new record label that just hired you.

"Yes, Ally I promise." You kissed me on the nose before putting on your shoes. "We will go to that party and dance the night away." Your blonde hair had just been cut and you were wearing a nice dress shirt. I wish now that I would've memorized the way you looked even more.

"Even though I can't dance?"

"Even though you are the worst dancer ever!"

I laughed while you shook your head at me.

"Hey, I wouldn't go that far, Moon."

"I would, Dawson."

"I'm pretty sure that this ring on my finger makes me a Moon now."

"My bad, Mrs. Moon."

We said another goodbye then you were off. Never to be seen again.

That was the worst phone call I had ever received. I can't hear the voices now. Austin Moon. Car accident. Lots of blood. I'm sorry Mrs. Moon but he didn't make it.

And you were just gone. You left your shirts in the closet and your socks in the drawer. Your scent was still on your pillow and that cologne was still beside my perfume. But you, you were gone. You lost control of the wheel trying to send a text to me and then you were in the ground.

The text was left unsent but they found your phone and somehow it had survived.

Ally, I love you! And I am forever grateful for

What are you forever grateful for? The flowers that I leave at your grave every month? The letters that I read to you when I'm feeling extra lonely? The conversations that I make up in my head to keep my self from going crazy? The fact that I am now a twenty six year old widow?

Any way, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents and we reminisced the good times. When asked what I was thankful for I had an answer this year.

Austin Moon and everything that went with it.

Dear Austin,

Merry Christmas! Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, and Santa Claus are all on repeat.

As is a memory that I have to share.

"Austin, you know I don't believe in mistletoe." I said to you in December of our senior year. We were standing in your room when you pulled out mistletoe, with a smirk plastered on your young face.

"This is coming from the girl who loves Valentine's day so she can break out that skirt with little hearts on it. Ally, you're a sucker for a cheesy, cliche, holiday tradition." I rolled my eyes as you held the mistletoe with one hand and put the other on your lips. "Now, kiss me right here, Dawson."

"I say no, Moon."

"I say yes, Dawson."

You then dropped the mistletoe to pull me in closer. "Please, Ally. All I want for Christmas is you."

"So now you're quoting a Maria Carey Christmas song? Will the cheesiness ever stop?"

"Again, this is coming from the girl who hosts an ugly Christmas sweater party every year and dresses up as Mrs. Claus to hand out presents."

The teasing and flirting lasted for a few more minutes until I came up with a solution.

"Austin, I think I have a proposition for you." Brown eyes looked up. "If you agree to wear the ugliest Christmas sweater," The sound of the groan you made sounded like you were in pain. "Hey, hey, I'm not done yet. And you have to dress up as Santa to hand out presents."

You pulled me in closer as I said this. "And if I do all this?"

"If you do, I will kiss you underneath the mistletoe every time we see it."

I knew that we had a deal when you kissed me.

So, that Christmas, you dressed up as the Santa to my Mrs. Claus and we wore matching Minnie and Mickey ugly sweaters.

I'm always gonna miss you, Austin. You are always gonna be on my mind. But, maybe I don't need to write to you to remind you things of the past because you are the past. I'm sure you're up there smirking and smiling. Laughing and loving. Even if you're not living. I don't need to write you letters that are going to be left unread. Because, this love is good, this love is bad. This love is alive, even when dead. Your love left a permanent mark. This love was set free, but will always come back to me.

Merry Christmas, Austin. I'll see you again and kiss you under the mistletoe.

Love always, Ally.

Merry Christmas Eve! I haven't worked on anything in a little while because of school. But I came up with this and figured I should just write it. Sorry if there's any grammar errors or something doesn't make sense, it's late and my eyes are blurring things together.

The song mentioned at the beginning is This love by Taylor Swift, and the last paragraph is quoting it. I do not own it.

I hope you enjoyed this and have a Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Holidays/Happy New Year! Reviews would be cool :)

I do not own Austin and Ally or any of the holidays.