A/N: Follows the movie "Support Your Local Sheriff".
Unfinished Business
"Now don't go blaming me, we had a deal and I stuck to it!" Pa Danby half-yelled as he entered the office of the sheriff in Calendar. The old man still had fire in his belly and a notoriously hot temper even if he had been a staple in the area for more years than most had been alive.
"I didn't blame you, I was just asking for your help" said the younger man who followed him into the room. Jason McCullough, town sheriff and the person most responsible for the recent civilization of the gold mining town's anarchistic behavior spoke in a much more level voice. In actuality it wasn't the town that was uncivilized at all; it was the rabble of citizens that were mostly represented by the out-for-a-fortune miners and those who attempted to separate them from their hard-earned money.
"I done calmed down and agreed to allow townfolk to use the road through my property without asking for a toll."
"You mean hold them up at gunpoint."
"We never drew our guns."
"No, your reputation was enough with all the trouble you raised in and out of town" Jason went on. "You have to wonder where a town is heading when there are more people going in the graveyard than school."
"It worked for us until you showed up" the patriarch grumbled.
"But it didn't work for the town. Luckily you saw the error of your ways when you tried to break Joe out of jail."
"You mean when you strapped him to that canon? The one you used to destroy Madame Orr's House?"
Jason winced. It was supposed to have been a bluff, one that worked until the canon actually fired and knocked out the 'entertainment and hospitality center' for men seeking companionship charged by the hour. Although a few people thanked him privately for the errant shot, he got even more dirty looks from former patrons. "I didn't mean to do that. Some nice girls work there, and as long as everyone's happy I don't worry much about the place."
"Yeah, you interrupted the important council meeting that was going on inside at the time." Several councilmen had stumbled out of the smoking wreck of a building afterward.
"We can stand here and argue about the past all day, but as sheriff I have to find a solution for our problem now. Citizens can make it most of the way to Galena but there's a problem."
"I know. Me and my brothers Milt and Ira don't bother no one. It's not my fault my cousin Hank got released from prison when he and Joe helped save the warden's life."
"Hank was in prison for blowing up somebody for cheating at cards."
"Nope. The guy blew himself up when he was setting some mining charges and Hank just happened to be nearby."
"Mining charges? At midnight? Inside his house? I don't buy it, and the judge didn't either. But the way I hear it they saved the warden's life when they ran to make a break for freedom and crossed in front of the guy that was breaking 'em out of prison while he was aiming at the warden. It was an accident they saved him."
"Accident or no, the governor of the territory let 'em out for bravery. Joe's stupid but you got him straightened out after that canon trick. Hank ain't met you yet, so he thinks we still run the valley. He's a lot less reasonable than I am, and is still blocking the way through his place."
Jason chuckled. Pa Danby was one of the least reasonable men he had met, with the rest of his family running a close race behind him. "Maybe so, but he's more likely to listen to you since he won't listen to me. He does know English, doesn't he?"
"Of course! He done made it up to sixth grade so he learnt all that stuff. He's a smart one!" This last remark was accompanied by the sound of galloping horse hooves as a lit stick of dynamite sailed through the front door. Danby dove for cover under the sheriff's desk while Jason picked up the stick and calmly submerged the fuse end in the pot of coffee sitting on the stove. When no explosion was forthcoming Danby poked his head above the desk.
"I think I'll just judge how smart he is for myself" Jason sighed. "Can you at least set up a meeting at your place where I can talk to him?"
"My place? Why my place?"
"Because he'll probably think twice before blowing that one up. I swear, too much more of this and I'm going to head out to Australia for sure."
"Really?" Danby asked, brightening. The sheriff was always talking about going to Australia.
"Yes. I mean NO! Oh hell, just set up the meeting and let me know."
…
Hank Danby opened the door to Norman Danby's ranch house and walked in full of confidence. Confident he was right, confident he had more firepower and confident that he was still the only one that called Pa Danby 'Norman'. At the dining table sat the patriarch and his son Luke, Sheriff McCullough and his deputy Jake. Jason looked up and then continued pouring himself a cup of coffee. "Normally I wouldn't have another cup, but you make some darn good coffee Mr. Danby."
"Thanks, my wife taught me before the boys was even born. Estelle was the best cook this side of the Mississippi. Want a cup Hank?"
"I didn't come here for no damn tea party. Norman, you throwing in with this tin badge now?"
"It's coffee," Jason interrupted "there's a big difference. Have a seat Hank, and we can talk."
"The only talk is gonna be where you wanna be buried" he said as he pulled his gun and leveled it at the sheriff.
Jason sipped his coffee and stated "Needs a little sugar" as he casually dropped a lump in before stirring it. He tasted it and professed it perfect. "Now where were we? Oh yes, gravesites. Better put your order in too Hank, my deputy has you covered." From beneath the table the cocking of a gun could be heard in front of Jake, who grinned.
"Maybe, but Howard's got your deputy covered" Hank stated as a window to his left was broken and his son Howard appeared with a gun pointed into the room.
"That winder came all the way from Chicago!" Pa blurted.
"Sorry about that, Mr. Danby. Good thing your son Luke here has Howard covered." Luke reached under his napkin and revealed the end of a sawed-off shotgun pointed at the window.
"Yeah, but Bill has Luke covered" Hank grinned as a figure appeared in the kitchen doorway and leveled a rifle at Luke.
"Pity that Tom has Bill covered" Jason said between sips as a gun appeared at Bill's neck as Pa's youngest covered Hank's youngest.
"That's pretty good, but I'll just have Sam cover Tom" Hank bragged as his middle son stepped around him through the doorway to aim at Tom.
"But you obviously forgot about…er…what's Milt's youngest son called?" Jason asked.
"Milt Jr." Pa answered.
"Thank you. Milt Jr. has Sam covered unless I'm mistaken." A rifle barrel appeared through the bedroom door that was ajar. "We've got four more Danby's waiting for a target to cover. How are you fixed for people?"
Hank started to sweat. Math wasn't his strongest subject, and he didn't want to see them counting on his fingers to work out the problem. "Maybe you got more, but all I have to do is shoot me one sheriff and the problem's solved. If any man shoots me, everyone else opens fire."
In response to the ultimatum, a wooden board swung through the air and clubbed Hank on the back of the head, knocking him out cold in the doorway. Prudy Perkins appeared in the door and dusted her hands off with a job well done.
"Never met a handier woman with a 2x4" Jason beamed.
Bill, Howard and Sam looked at each other. Their father had left explicit instructions in case he got shot, but not if he got hit by a club. And it wasn't by a man either. They all dropped their guns.
"I'm glad that's over" Pa said as he sat back in his chair.
"Oh, I wouldn't say it's over yet" Jason countered. "You can't reason with a man that's knocked out cold. We're going to have to convince him another way."
…
Hank came to and groaned before rubbing the back of his head while rolling into a sitting position. He tried to stand but failed on the first attempt. Looking around, he found himself in a dark area with a dirt floor.
"Glad you could join us again, Hank" Jason called out from a narrow entrance about twenty feet away. A board made a solid low fence across the opening. "If I were you I'd stand up about now" he said as he hung on a pole that vanished above the roof.
"Why would I want to do that? And where am I?" Hank asked defiantly.
"Suit yourself, but the scorpions around here really like a warm body to cuddle up to" the sheriff smiled. "And to answer the second question, you'll somewhere up in the hills outside town. A few days ago I stumbled on a mention of this place while I was looking through the Rock Fjord files."
Hank scrambled up to stand in the middle of the small cave.
"You know, I've done a lot of reading about Australia" Jason went on. "You know, they have all kinds of deadly animals there. Spiders, snakes, toads, snakes and even something called a platypus."
"You said snakes twice."
"That's because they have a lot of poisonous snakes. We mostly just have the rattlesnake like the one coiled up here on the other side of the board."
Hank shrunk back a little. "What's a platty puss?"
"I've seen pictures, let me tell you. It's got a bill like a duck, and a tail like a beaver, and it can poison you."
"Aint no such thing."
"Not here, no. I think the rattlesnakes don't need the competition." At the mention of the snake Hank shrunk back a little more.
"Don't go back too far; I think you'll disturb the black-widow spiders back there. If you look close, you'll see 'em on the back wall." Hank couldn't see them in the dark of the cave, but he was starting to feel like they were there and he inched forward toward the entrance again. Jason kicked the board and the snake shook its rattle; Hank froze, stepped back a step and stopped unsure of where the safest place was in the cave.
"What do you want, Sheriff?"
"Nothing that every citizen of Calendar doesn't want as well. Basically, safe passage on the road through your property and a promise you'll leave 'em alone."
"What am I supposed to do for money then?"
"I don't know, you own a farm; figure it out."
"What if I just jump that board and tackle you? I can be out of here before you know it."
"Maybe; maybe not. See this pole I'm holding on to? Maybe you didn't notice it because you're a little distracted. But it's holding back some pretty big boulders above me; if I let go, you're sealed in with all your animal kingdom friends. If you're really fast, you might just get crushed trying to make it out."
Hank started to sit to think, then thought better of it as he saw something move along the ground. "So, eh, just leave everyone be and you won't bother me?"
"That's right, Hank, you sure catch on fast. Maybe all that school is paying off. And if you change your mind, I've got a nice new jail to hold you in until they take you back to prison."
"I ain't goin' back to prison, it's too hard to get out" Hank figured. "Deal. Can I get out now?"
"Sure, just walk towards me slowly." Jason carefully stuck the pole in the ground and moved the board, turning it to wall off the snake. Hank walked through and held out his hands.
"Nah Hank, you're not under arrest. Just behave and we'll be fine." The two men walked to a wagon where Jake and Prudy waited. Suddenly they heard a "Snap!" and turned in time to see the pole break under the weight of the boulders, which tumbled down the entrance. Several of the larger rocks bounced off and down the hill, where they landed on top of an isolated building below called "The Waystation". Several women and men in various stages of undress streamed from the front entrance before the weight of the boulders collapsed the building. Madame Orr looked around and saw Jason before shaking her fist at him.
"It was an accident!" he yelled, but the patrons were buzzing like mad hornets and didn't hear him. It was mutual as Jason was unable to hear the individual epithets being cast his way.
"You sure you aint running for governor?" Jake asked. "Some folks around here would be happy to get rid...er, support you."
"Now Jake, how can I be governor while I'm on my way to Australia?"
The End
A/N: A great parody of the Western movie, but I couldn't help but think that the Danby situation wasn't totally taken care of yet. Now that road should be free to travel for the citizens! And the movie said that Jason did become governor later...