This ties in to the wee!Strawhat verse, as begun over in Son of the Strawhat. It's a one shot I wrote sometime around Valentine's day, and has basically nothing to do with the rest of the verse. The only relevant thing to know is that it's few years after the present canon storyline, and Nami has a son, who's about two years old.

Three Hundred Percent

He found him leaning against a wall, his head back and eyes closed, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. He was trying to look cool and relaxed, instead of worn out and heartbroken. He didn't know why the other man bothered: there wasn't anyone on board who would be fooled by that act, not even the brat who, at two year old, had all the awareness and empathy of a cabbage.

"Get lost, shithead." As much as Sanji - inexplicably - appeared to like sulking, he didn't seem to like people to see him at it. It was like he was ashamed of it, except that anyone who had seen the cook's outrageous behavior around women knew he had no shame.

"You still can't talk to her, can you?" He could hear her around the corner, arguing with her demon offspring that the sun had set, so it was very definitely bedtime, even if no one else was going to bed. He leaned a shoulder against the wall, watching the other man. Sanji had too much control to flinch, but his perfect stillness was a giveaway just the same. "You think you're gonna get rejected or something?"

He was expecting some sort of denial, or at least a glare. Something to tell him that he'd guessed right. He didn't expect the other man to look away, radiating anger and hurt. He hadn't guessed wrong in, hell, years. Maybe he hadn't figured out the crazy bastard as well as he'd thought after all. "You're afraid of being accepted?" he chocked out, shocked. Who the hell ever heard of someone being afraid that the person they'd mooned over for years wouldn't turn them down?

"Go to hell." That was all the confirmation Zoro needed to know that the cook was, without a doubt, completely bat-shit crazy. He'd gotten used to the other man not making sense years ago, but this was nonsensical even by Sanji-standards.

The stupid dartboard brow was in a seriously pissy mood today. As far as Zoro could remember, he hadn't been like this since… oh. Since last year, when he'd kicked Zoro through a wall for touching the girls' valentines treats and then apologized. Yeah, it would be just like the crap cook to get all moody over some stupid pansy-assed holiday. Stupid girly bastard.

He heard the little brat stomp to the cabin and slam the door behind him. There was no one else around, now. Luffy and Usopp, who'd had early watches that morning, could be heard snoring below deck. He could see Chopper's antlers silhouetted against the window of the infirmary, from which drifted the sounds of Robin and Franky's voices. If he was going to do something stupid and pointless that was guaranteed to get him a kick to the head and probably one to the balls, he might as well do it now.

Nami was leaving the kitchen when he came around the corner. He grabbed her and dragged her back inside, one arm having no trouble circling her slim waist. Just like old times, he thought. He almost missed those days, when he hadn't had to deal with a whiney, neurotic bastard any time he wanted some. All he'd had to do was grab her and toss her into an empty room to get what he wanted. She'd done the same, slamming him into a wall or tripping him to the floor any time she was in the mood. There'd been none of this pansy emotional bullshit. He admired that about her.

He pushed her against a counter, leaning in to trap her between his arms. Her arms came up to his neck, ready to pull his face down, although whether to kiss him or to knee him in the face wasn't clear yet. It could go either way with her, and that was why she was the only woman he'd ever touched. "You're gonna owe me, with three hundred percent interest," she warned him, just like she always had one she realized how easily he could be manipulated by his debt.

"Don't worry, I'll pay." He pushed his hips against hers, and was gratified to see her eyes widen in surprise. After tonight, he'd probably be able to use that line to shut her up any time she mentioned his stupid debt. He really should have thought of this sooner. He kissed her, hard, and pulled back. "Trust me?" He could hear the stupid love cook approaching the kitchen, probably getting ready to drown his sorrows in soufflés and scones. Nami bit him in answer. Alright, it was a stupid question.

He spun away from her, offering his back. "Get on." She did as she was told, wrapping strong legs around his hips as just as the door opened. The crap cook stopped in the doorway, his mouth falling open as he was, for once, mercifully silent.

"Sanji-kun," Nami said. She bit Zoro again, hard this time. Probably for upsetting the crap cook, knowing her. Nami had never cared when one of the crew walked in on them, although she hadn't been so pleased that one time Luffy tried to join in.

Sanji was still trying to work out what to say. "'What are you doing to my lovely Nami-san, shithead?' would be a good start," Zoro told him helpfully before he grabbed the chef, just as he had the navigator. He spun the other man around and pulled him close to his chest, wrapping his arms around him. Sanji could probably still kick him, even like this, but he'd have to come out of his state of shock first.

The feel of Sanji's back against his chest was familiar, and oddly comforting. It made him think that, even if he was insane to try this, he might not be wrong. Nami had shifted her legs to circle Sanji too, so that her feet wouldn't get crushed between the two men. He moved, taking the pair of them with him, to lean back against the open door. He heard Nami's muffled protest behind him; he'd pushed her up against doors before, but he'd always been making it worth her while. Trust me, he thought at her, even though he knew she did. He felt her relax her hold on him slightly. He spun, dragging Sanji with him, quickly enough that she didn't have time to fall.

With his hands planted on the door, Zoro was able to survey his handiwork. Nami was still up against the door, pinned there by the combined weight of the cook and the swordsman. The navigator raised an eyebrow at him over Sanji's shoulder. "Told ya I'd pay," he said. He pushed forward with his hips, forcing Sanji's against Nami. She grinned back at him, apparently pleased with the direction things were going.

The movement seemed to have woken Sanji up. "You bastard, what do you think you're doing?" It would have been more convincing if he hadn't sounded so breathless. Zoro could feel a tenseness in the other man's muscles that let him know Sanji was more than a bit distracted by something going on down below.

"Mommy?"

"I told you it's bedtime. No arguments."

"But…" The sound of little bare feet on the deck was getting closer.

"No allowance for a month, remember?" Sanji was trying to get away. As much as he didn't want to get caught by the little brat, there was no way Zoro was going to let that happen. He put more weight against the other man's back. Nami, having the same thought, tightened her legs around the cook's hips. Hearing the whimper it brought from Sanji, Zoro decided that, whatever the other two thought, they were going to do this more often.

The little one was standing just outside the kitchen. At that angle, he wouldn't be able to see exactly what they were up to, but he could still see more than enough. "Mommy? Daddies?"

"Sweetheart, what happens to little boys when they refuse to take a bath?" Nami asked.

"They get punched in'a head and chucked in'a bath," the tot answered promptly. "You shouldn't fight, Daddy. Mommy gets really mad if you don't take a bath when you're supposed to," he warned Sanji severely.

"You…" Zoro whispered, shocked.

"Luffy wouldn't take a bath after he fell in the tar pits last week," Nami whispered back. "Don't be an idiot."

"Goodnight, kiddo," Zoro said.

The child rubbed his eye sleepily and waved goodbye. "Night night." He wandered slowly back towards the cabin.

"Well," Zoro said, once the door was closed behind the kid, "I guess we'll have to give Daddy Sanji a bath so's we haven't lied to the kid."

"Bastard," Sanji said, not sounding angry at all.